First Love Lost
by Oracle Vas
Summary: An unfortunate truth is that the things we want most can come at the wrong time. If we're lucky, we find them again a second time. If not, we live with the past and hope for a brighter future. My name is Bella, and my first love was Jasper Whitlock.
1. Chapter 1 Sheep

**Author's note: Characters are all human and OOC. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing related to Twilight. **

**Any future author's notes will be updated on my profile with each chapter.**

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**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 1 - Sheep

As I entered my new school, I couldn't help but feel anxious. Everyone I walked by in the hall stared at me and would then whisper to the person next to them. I was well known in this town though I had lived here only two months. Considering the recent events in my life, I expected to be a subject of even more gossip. What I didn't expect was for people to be so rude about it.

My father and brother moved to Forks, Washington, five years ago. Word quickly spread that the new police chief was recently divorced from my flighty mother. I went to live with her while my twin brother, Emmett, stayed with my father, Charlie. The divorce created a war in our family that left my brother and I as divided as our parents. The war continued unabated until my mother and stepfather died just eight weeks ago.

Charlie took a certain amount of pleasure in my mother's death. He would deny it, but I knew better. My mother, Renee, was killed in a car accident along with my stepfather, Phil. They had just left my ex-boyfriend's house where they had been embroiled in a huge fight. I knew that Charlie felt that her death was justice for the pain she brought him. He didn't care that it brought me pain as well. I stopped being a concern for him when I left with her after they separated.

After our mother died, Emmett went on with his life as if nothing happened. He made no secret of the fact that he simply didn't care. Renee dying meant no more to him than a stranger passing on. At first, I questioned this lack of emotion from him but grew to realize that it was the truth. Five years of Charlie bad mouthing our mother had left Emmett feeling that she was no great loss. Somehow his lack of feeling hurt me more than anything. It felt like a betrayal. Our mother may have been scatterbrained and unreliable in the extreme, but she loved Emmett and me very much. His not loving her felt like another death to me.

Emmett showed only slightly more interest in me than he did in our mother's death. For example, it would have been nice of my brother to offer to show me around my new school, but he refused to even come near me in public. He had spent the last couple of months missing in action. I knew as much about his life today as I did before I moved here.

Emmett left in his truck this morning without so much as a wave. The only sign that he was aware of my existence came when he glanced over at my car which was a sore subject with him. He hated that he was stuck with a truck from the 80's while I drove a brand new mustang that Renee had bought me just a few weeks before her death. It was obvious that she picked it out. I would have much preferred a car that would keep attention away from me. At least, she went with a pewter color instead of red.

The bell for first period shook me out of my thoughts. I looked at the schedule in my hand and saw that I had English as my first class. I opened the school handbook the receptionist had given me along with my schedule and turned to the map on the second page. As luck would have it, my class was just around the corner. It gave me hope that maybe the day wouldn't be as bad as I thought.

When I entered the class, I was relieved to see that it was still mostly empty. I smiled at the teacher, a balding gentleman with coke bottle glasses, who introduced himself as Mr. Mason. I chose a seat in the back of the class relieved that I wouldn't have to be worried about taking someone's desk since it was the first day of school for everyone.

The hour went by slowly. Mr. Mason went over his expectations for the semester and then gave the students leave to spend the rest of class catching up after a summer spent apart. It was an absurd idea considering most of them probably saw each other at least a few times a week throughout the previous three months.

I sat in the back and watched as one by one everyone would glance back at me and then whisper to their neighbor. Knowing I was a subject of gossip and having to watch it are two very different things. It was irritating to realize that I was their entertainment. I felt like an animal in the zoo. The only thing that made it acceptable was the thought that I, at least, wasn't behind bars watching the spectators trail by my cage. I grinned at the thought and pictured myself as a predator watching and waiting for someone to get too close. Nothing would protect them from my claws. I particularly liked the idea of using those claws on the blond in the seat in front of me. For the last five minutes, she had talked about me as if I wasn't sitting just a few feet behind her.

"Oh my god. Can you imagine her being related to Emmett Swan? She's not even cute," she said in a whisper designed to be just loud enough for me to hear.

A girl with pigtails and a bad complexion nodded in agreement. I ignored them. What they thought of me held no importance. Besides, them finding me attractive wouldn't exactly be the highlight of my day.

Looking up at the clock, I realized that class would end in a few minutes. I glanced at my schedule and found my next class on the map. Government with Mrs. Jefferson was located just down the hall. At least, I didn't have to fear getting lost.

The bell rang, and I left quickly having already prepared to make my escape. The hall filled up fast with students loitering in the too cramped space. I am jostled from behind and stumbled into the person in front of me. Unfortunately, it was the blond from English. She turned to look at me, and a predatory grin formed on her face. I could tell that she expected to enjoy the next few minutes of confrontation.

"Watch where you're going, loser," she spat.

I decided then and there that I was tired of her crap. If I let her think she could walk all over me, I would turn into her favorite rug. I regained my footing and dusted my jeans off with my free hand. The hall had gone quiet after her words, and people were watching us with anticipation.

I looked up at her and grinned. "Sorry, but in the event of a fall my body has been trained to search out the nearest soft landing. Judging from the size of your ass, you qualify.

"What did you say to me?"

"Oh, I think you heard what I said."

A speck of uncertainty flashed in her eyes. She was unaccustomed to people standing up to her. Her face turned red with embarrassment. "Apologize," she demanded.

"I didn't eat those twinkies," I said with a challenging look on my face.

Nervous laughter went through our audience. The blond took a quick glance around before turning back towards me. She dropped her books to the side and took a step forward. The crowd came in closer. I heard someone in the distance yell, "Fight."

Backing down wasn't an option for me. I knew that I was already at a disadvantage here because I was the new girl. The fact that my brother would offer me no protection from bullies only made things worse. If word got around that I was a pushover, I would find myself in similar situations for the rest of the year. I dropped my books to the side and took my own step forward.

"Keep coming at me, Blondie, and you'll be grateful for the size of your ass when it breaks your fall," I promised.

Before Lauren could respond, a short, thin girl with black, spiky hair skipped into the space between us. She gave me a beaming smile and looped our arms together like we were the best of friends. "I've been looking for you, Bella," the girl sang out in a trilling voice.

Lauren looked like a predator who had just run into an even scarier beast, which was an odd reaction considering the girl was a such a tiny thing. Lauren went white as a sheet and backed up a few feet. She seemed genuinely frightened of this tiny girl with the sweet smile and musical voice. "Alice, I didn't know you and Bella were friends," Lauren stammered.

I looked down at Alice and saw a flash of satisfaction cross her face. She was not surprised by Lauren's reaction to her. For that matter, everyone around us seemed to look upon this girl with respect. Whoever she was, she was important in this school. That much was clear.

"Bella and I go way back. She is Emmett's sister. Or, did you forget that?" Alice asked with a hard look in her eyes.

Lauren nodded slightly. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'll just head to class now." Seconds later, she reached down for her books and then left abruptly.

The confrontation was over, and the crowd thinned quickly. Alice let go of my arm and skipped on down the hall. The whole thing was over as quickly as it had begun, and I wasn't even sure of what just happened. With questions running through my head, I bent over and collected my books before finally making my way to Government.

I walked into class as the bell rang. The door slammed loudly behind me, and everyone turned around to look at me. Great. I should have just stapled a sign to my forehead asking for attention. I took a seat in one of only three desks left available. Luckily, they were at the back of the class.

In a repeat of English, Mrs. Jefferson talked for a few minutes and then let everyone chat for the rest of class. I was disappointed. What ever happened to good, old fashioned teaching? The thought of watching everyone talk about me for another hour didn't exactly hold any appeal for me.

I put my head down on the desk and groaned in frustration. The door to the room banged closed again and got my attention. Little Alice walked in late for class and took the seat directly in front of me. Mrs. Jefferson didn't say one word about the girl's tardiness.

Alice turned in her desk and tilted her head sideways looking at me. "You know if you keep making friends like Lauren Mallory you won't last the day."

I stared at her blankly. With her delicate features and short, black haircut, she made me think of an impish pixie. It was odd, but I felt like I had known her for years.

"Thank you for helping me, but you really shouldn't have bothered. My name is Mud in this town."

"Don't be silly. Your name is Bella, but I could start calling you Sam. It would make a nice nickname," she answered with her trilling voice.

I laughed at her unexpected reference to Dr. Samuel Mudd. "Poor Sam. I wonder if he spins in his grave every time someone falsely credits him as being the origin of that saying," I said with false solemnity.

I was rewarded with a tinkle of laughter from my new acquaintance. "If you're not careful, useless knowledge about the Civil War era will earn you unwanted attention from a certain undesirable. Don't let your brother hear you tempting the devil," she said with a wink.

Okay, the pixie was obviously a nice girl, but she appeared to be a few clowns short of a circus. It figured that the only nice person in this school was crazy.

She turned her head sideways and gave me a gentle smile. "You don't know what I am talking about do you," she said with a hint of laughter in her voice. "Didn't Emmett tell you anything about his friends?" she asked.

"No. Emmett doesn't talk to me." I answered not bothering to hide the hurt in my voice.

She furrowed her brow in frustration. I watched as she appeared to fight some internal battle. She seemed to want to say something but didn't quite know if she should.

Finally after a minute of hesitation, she appeared to have made up her mind. "Your brother has talked to me several times about you. I just assumed that he spoke of us as well."

The bell signaling the end of class rang and interrupted Alice before she could say anything else. After a quick, "See ya," she was out the door. I was frustrated at finding myself so close to information and then being denied. I was eager to find out anything about my brother. With a groan of frustration, I collected my books and made my way to my next class.

Fortunately, I managed to get to Calculus without a picking a fight. My relief was short lived, however, when Mr. Varner asked me to stand in front of the class and introduce myself. You would think someone smart enough to teach Calculus would have realized that everyone knew who I was by now. Alas, it appeared he was socially dumb. Fortunately, the class was mostly empty. I was one of only a dozen or so students. I introduced myself and took the closest available desk in an attempt to get out of the spotlight as quick as possible.

Mr. Varner saw no point in letting a day pass without giving a lesson. I listened with glee as the rest of the class groaned when he immediately asked us to open our new books to the first page. Calculus just replaced English as my favorite subject. He allowed no idle chitchat and was all business. At the end of the class, we all left with homework. It was like Christmas to me.

For fourth period, I was scheduled to work in the library as an aide. I had been looking forward to this since I first got my schedule. The library was easy to find as it was in its own building next to the cafeteria. I looked around when I entered and smiled with satisfaction. This library and I would get along famously. For being a relatively small school, Forks High had a large library that was open and airy in its layout. It didn't make me feel like I needed to whisper and tiptoe through the rows of books. There was a relaxed atmosphere that seemed designed to counteract the intimidation factor some libraries have. Private sections with cushy chairs and low tables were spaced throughout the large open room providing excellent study spots.

As I looked around, I realized for the first time since coming to Forks that I felt at home. I knew that this space would become my sanctuary at school. I turned towards the desk located on the south wall and found a beautiful woman with caramel colored hair watching me. I knew her at once.

Mrs. Cullen had been my elementary school librarian several years ago. I could tell that she recognized me immediately. When she stood up and opened her arms, I dropped my books on the nearest table and ran towards her. As she hugged me, I felt all the stress and pain of the last few months melt away. She was the reason I felt at home. I had somehow sensed her presence in this wonderful space. Years ago she had taken a special interest in my brother and me showing us just how valuable reading was as an escape from the real world. We spent every afternoon with her while we waited for Renee to come pick us up from school. Seeing her here was like a dream come true. I was now certain I would survive this school and anything it threw at me.

"Bella, dear I have been waiting anxiously for you to enter that door," she exclaimed.

I pulled away from her embrace and smiled brightly. "Had I of known you were waiting, I would have skipped class," I told her honestly.

"Young lady, I better not hear of you skipping class. I will tan your hide," promised Mrs. Cullen.

I laughed loudly at her empty threat and went back to the table to collect my books. When I returned to her, she beckoned me to follow her. She gave me a tour of the back rooms of the library while we caught up on the years we were apart.

Mrs. Cullen and her husband had moved to Forks four years ago after growing tired of life in Seattle. The change to small town living agreed with them from the start. Her husband was a surgeon at the local hospital while she put her degree in library science to good use by working at Forks High. In this school, she felt she could actually make a difference in the lives of the students. In typical Mrs. Cullen fashion, she had a group of students who met once a week to study and discuss literature. When she invited me to join them, I accepted gladly after making her promise to provide me with her special double chocolate chip cookies. It had been five long years since I had enjoyed them, and I wasn't about to miss them now. She had given me the recipe, but I quickly discovered that her good company was the special ingredient that set them apart.

I filled her in on my life and found that she was actually pretty up to date on it. Taking a chance, I asked her if her knowledge on Emmett was as thorough. She frowned at my question. I thought for a second that I had overstepped my bounds but was relieved when she decided to answer me.

"When I first came to this school four years ago, Emmett found me immediately. He was so different from the boy I once knew. It was so sad to see this boy who had been filled with laughter and mischief approach me with such trepidation. At first, I didn't understand it, but then I realized that he expected me to not remember him or reject him out of hand if I did remember him," Mrs. Cullen explained with sadness in her eyes.

I started to interrupt, but she put her hand up to stop me.

"Something made him feel unworthy. I spent the better part of my first year in this town trying to gain his trust. It was painful to watch at first, but then he began to show signs of returning to the boy I used to know. He came to talk to me a few times a week and slowly began to relax his defenses. As much as I would like to, I can't take credit for his change. That belongs to his friends. They are a blessing and a curse to him. A more wild bunch I have never seen. Not a week goes by without one of them getting into some kind of trouble. Emmett joins in their schemes with a flourish that worries me. I swear that group will be the death of me. The only thing working in their favor is the loyalty they show one another. With these people, Emmett never need fear that he will be turned away. They are all thick as thieves, but most importantly they provided him with the family he needed."

Following her explanation, I didn't say anything for several minutes. My mind focused on the struggle my brother had lived through, and I wondered at its source. Though our parents were divorced, Emmett was never been given a reason to fill unwanted. After the first year when my brother kept his distance from us, my mother was able to wear him down and get him to talk to her. She made it a point to speak with him weekly and would have done so more often had he allowed it. Not a single holiday or birthday went unrecognized. Unfortunately, Emmett was less than interested in maintaining a relationship with us. He refused to visit us, and my mother reluctantly agreed hoping he would change his mind. Over time, the distance between all of us widened to the point where my mother and I were strangers to him. I had my suspicions that Charlie contributed to this estrangement. He had never once shown me the interest that Renee showed my brother. It stands to reason that he would encourage Emmett to have nothing to do with us. I felt certain that somehow Charlie had convinced Emmett that our mother didn't love him.

The bell rang announcing the end of fourth period and the beginning of lunch. I said my goodbyes to Mrs. Cullen and made my way to my locker. After depositing my books inside, I left for the cafeteria. Of all the things I dreaded, lunch was at the top of the list. Being in a class with twenty or so people staring at me would not compare to a cafeteria with a couple hundred. I said a silent prayer in my head hoping that people's interest in me had waned.

When I walked inside, I was relieved to find that no one paid me any attention. I grabbed a few things to eat and claimed one of only two empty tables. All around me laughter rang out as the rest of the student population enjoyed being out of class. I kept my head down and ate my lunch quickly.

Moments later, the atmosphere in the room shifted suddenly. I looked up to see why everything suddenly felt different. Everyone was still joking and talking, but it was obvious that the mood had changed. People were looking at the front doors with barely concealed interest. I glanced over in curiosity and then I understood immediately.

These were the people who ran this school. Forget teachers and administrators, this group controlled the student population. They set the trends that the others would follow. It was pretty disgusting to think that teenagers were so susceptible to the opinions of a group clearly in the minority. Very few people could compare favorably to these four people who were obviously a step above the rest of us mere mortals.

I looked them over and recognized Alice immediately. I hadn't realized earlier, but she really stood out from other girls our age. She possessed a vibrancy that made me think of her as a barely contained ball of energy. Her good looks appeared to be lit from within and enhanced by her positive energy.

A tall blond girl with stunning good looks stood next to Alice. She had a haughtiness about her that could easily intimidate lesser beings. It was obvious that she knew she was beautiful and relished in the effect she had on others. If possible, her beauty was amplified when she began to laugh at something Alice whispered to her. With a smile on her face and a twinkle in her eyes, the blond girl was transformed from supermodel to girl next door. It was a welcome change that hinted at hidden depths lying just behind her beauty.

Behind Alice stood a tall boy with wild, bronze hair and a crooked smile on his face. He was easily as handsome as the blond girl was beautiful. His clothes were more refined than those around him and gave off a slightly preppy vibe. It made me wonder about the contradictions between his conservative clothes and his disheveled hair. When I looked closer, I realized that his clothes may be conservative, but they were wrinkled and ill matched. In spite his poor grooming, he had a certain charm about him. I could just picture him using his crooked grin as a secret weapon in a privately held battle against the ladies of the world.

I let my eyes wonder to the person next to him and was momentarily struck dumb. Here was a person who could hold my interest. Where the bronze boy was classically beautiful, this man was ruggedly handsome. Whoever he was, he was certainly no ordinary boy. He looked at least a couple of years older than your typical high school student. His honey blond hair hung too long and framed a tanned face with eyes I somehow knew would be blue. With his relaxed stance and cool demeanor, he practically oozed sex appeal. He wore an unbuttoned, black western shirt over a tightly fitted white tee that showed off his chiseled chest. His jeans were faded and paired with worn converse shoes. This last observation surprised me. I expected boots and was slightly disappointed.

I watched as the girls made their way to the empty table while the guys went to grab trays full of food. The bronze haired boy sat next to Alice who gave him a quick peck on the cheek before diving into the food he brought her. I was surprised when the blond cowboy didn't sit next to the blond girl. He sat on Alice's other side in the seat that gave him the best view of the cafeteria. He set one of his trays in front of the blond and kept the other for himself.

It was fascinating to watch the interactions of these four people and the response of everyone around them. They joked and laughed with an ease that made the behavior of other people look forced. I could understand the awe with which everyone watched them. Their table paid no attention to the rest of the world. It was this lack of interest that set them apart. Strangely, there seemed to be some unnatural pull to this group of people that made the room seem to revolve around them. When they laughed, other people laughed as well. When they talked, the room quieted slightly as if people were hoping to hear what they said.

When I turned my eyes back to the blond cowboy, I noticed he was staring at me. Our eyes locked for several seconds. I wanted to look away, but my eyes weren't cooperating. They liked what they were seeing and refused to budge. I knew I should have been embarrassed, but I wasn't. Looking at him felt like the most normal thing in the world to me. I wasn't about to fight against that feeling. After a minute or so, he turned to talk to Alice. I watched her glance up at me and guessed that he was asking her about me. When he turned back to look at me, he had a scowl on his face.

Seconds later, the door to the cafeteria slammed loudly against the wall making the whole room jerk in response. I looked over as my brother, Emmett, walked in with a look of fury on his face. He scanned the room slowly, nodding slightly to the four people I had been watching, before he continued with his scan. When his eyes found mine, he stopped. I wondered briefly what I had done this time to make him mad. The harsh look on his face softened slightly, and he appeared to relax. Without so much as a nod in my direction, he turned away from me. Emmett then made his way over to Alice's table and sat next to the blond girl. I should have known that they would be the crowd he hung out with.

Curiosity got the better of me, and I decided to watch my brother as he interacted with his friends. The attention of the whole table was on him. Alice looked up at me again and frowned before looking back at Emmett. I got the distinct impression that he was talking about me. When he was done, the bronze haired boy leaned forward and put in his two cents. Emmett apparently didn't like what his friend had to say because he slammed his fist into the table. Alice narrowed her eyes at my brother's outburst. The blond cowboy then started talking, and Emmett lowered his head in response. Whatever was said ended my brother's argument.

With the show over, the rest of the cafeteria went back to the laughter and talking from earlier. It was surreal to watch the effect five people could have on a whole room. I rolled my eyes at the ridiculousness of the situation. Forks High School was populated by mindless sheep. I had seen similar cliques in other schools, but nothing I had ever witnessed compared to the interest everyone showed in these people. Who knew the world actually revolved around five snotty teens?


	2. Chapter 2 Stubborn Silence

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 2 - Stubborn Silence

The luck I had all morning ran out when I went to find my fifth period class. The map led me completely astray. The class that I expected to be Chemistry turned out to be Spanish. Yeah. That wasn't embarrassing at all. It turns out the science building was mislabeled on the map as the auditorium. Go figure.

I walked into Chemistry a good five minutes late. The teacher, Mr. Banner, laughed at the note the Spanish teacher had been kind enough to write to explain my tardiness. It got even worse when he had me introduce myself to the class. As I stated my name to the already informed, I noticed that the only available seat in class would put me partnered with my brother's bronze haired friend. To make matters worse, he was looking at me like I had two heads. Apparently, sitting next to Emmett's sister was the equivalent of being given the death penalty.

I sat down and listened as Mr. Banner followed the examples of my first two classes. Blah, Blah, Blah. Talk for the rest of class.

What does a person have to do to get an education around here? I drummed my fingers on the table in frustration. To my surprise, the bronze boy took offense to my noise and put his hand over mine to stop the drumming.

"Do you mind?" he asked rudely before pulling his hand away from mine.

I started to drum the fingers of my other hand on the table and answered, "No, I don't mind."

For the first time, I noticed his bloodshot eyes. When coupled with his messy hair and haphazard grooming, I realized that he was hungover. His eyes roamed from my face to my fingers. It was funny to see that I was annoying him by doing so little. He curled his left hand into a fist. I could tell he was tempted to reach over and stop me.

"Do it. I dare you," I challenged him. I knew he wouldn't, but it was fun to watch him think about it.

His green eyes narrowed. Who would have thought I would be so good at making people in this school mad at me with so little effort? It was like I had developed a superpower overnight. Super Bella, she can piss off the best of you without even trying. I decided to offer him an olive branch. After all, it wouldn't do me any good to upset my brother's friends.

"If you ask nicely, I'll stop," I offered with a smile.

He surprised me by giving in easily. "Please stop."

"Do you have a name?"

"Edward Cullen."

Okay, that I wasn't expecting. Edward Cullen was Mrs. Cullen's son. I had never met him but had listened to her talk about him many times. Years earlier, he had attended a private school instead of public school with Emmett and me. Seeing him now as this hungover, teen rebel kind of broke my heart. It added a new dimension to the talk I had this morning with his mother. I would never have guessed that her son would turn out to be one of my brother's wild friends. It just didn't add up.

"I know your mother."

"Yeah, I know," he answered with anger in his voice before standing up and walking out of the classroom.

I watched in shock as Mr. Banner didn't even react to this rude boy who left without so much as a glance in his direction. Not for the first time, I wondered just what the heck kind of school it was that I had transferred into. It was as if I had walked into a zoo run by the animals.

The other students sure noticed. They grinned like banshees at Edward's audacity. It was then that I realized just why him and the others were looked upon as such gods. They did whatever they wanted and got away with it. No wonder everyone envied them. The thought made my stomach twist into a knot. This behavior hinted at deeper problems than I expected, and my brother was smack dab in the middle of it.

Thirty minutes later I looked down at my map and found the location of my next class, if you could call Study Hall a class. It was in the same building as the Spanish class I had accidentally interrupted earlier. When I walked in, I noticed that I was the first student to arrive. For that matter, I was the only person to arrive. There wasn't even a teacher, which made me wonder if I had ended up in the wrong place again. The door behind me opened, and I turned to see if this was the teacher. No such luck.

A tall, dark haired boy with pale gray eyes entered the room. He smiled at me, which for some odd reason put me on guard. It seemed like he was just a little too happy to see me. I shook off the feeling and wondered if my bad day was making me paranoid.

"Is this Study Hall?" I asked him.

Though I wouldn't have thought it possible, his smile widened. "Yes, this is Study Hall. Is that where you're supposed to be?"

I breathed a sigh of relief and answered, "Yes."

I went to sit down at a desk on the far left side of the room. He followed and sat directly in front of me.

He turned in his desk and stuck out his hand. "I'm James Witherdale."

"Bella Swan," I offered as I shook his outstretched hand.

"Oh, I know. We have Calculus together," he informed me with a wink.

He still had a hold of my hand and seemed disinclined to release it. When I moved to pull away, he held it tighter and began rubbing circles on the top with his thumb.

"Are you going to give me that hand back?" I asked nervously. This guy was seriously making me uncomfortable.

"No, I think I will just keep it for awhile," he answered with a mischievous smile.

Inexplicably, I felt my body tense up. It wasn't in response to this overeager boy who held my hand. My body seemed to know something that I was as yet unaware of. The answer came to me in the next moment.

"How 'bout you give her that hand back, or you'll be losing one of your own," said an angry voice from the front of the room.

I turned towards the voice and saw Emmett's blond cowboy friend standing just inside the door. He looked beyond angry. His eyes were narrowed with a glare meant to intimidate James into releasing my hand. I felt a shock of electricity run through me as he turned his attention to me.

James kept a hold of my hand in obvious defiance. "You really think you can take me on all by yourself, Whitlock," he challenged.

"Oh, we both know that I can, but I won't need to. Emmett is about to walk in the door, and you and I both know that he won't like you touching his sister," the blond guy warned with satisfaction.

At the mention of my brother, James dropped my hand and turned back around in his desk. I used the opportunity to move to a spot a few rows away from the overly friendly James. Emmett's friend took the desk directly to my left providing me with further separation from the hand grabber. His posture was stiff and in direct contrast to his laid back manner at lunch. He kept his eyes to the front of the room and didn't even glance once at me. I was shaken by his sudden lack of interest. It felt like all of the warmth inside me had turned to ice.

The room was alive with tension. I didn't believe for a second that I was the real cause of their tiff. These two would have exchanged words whether I was here or not. I looked at both and wondered who would have managed to come out on top. Both were tall and muscular though they were much leaner in build compared to Emmett, who looked like a Mr. Olympia contestant. James looked liked he might be the stronger of the two, but something in the way the blond carried himself said that he would be more than capable of handling himself in a fight. If I had to put money on it, I would have to go with Emmett's friend. He had a rough edge to him that James lacked.

The door opened and in walked my brother and the blond girl he sat next to at lunch. Emmett frowned when he noticed me. I rolled my eyes at him and wished he would get over his little attitude problem. He walked past me and sat behind his friend while the blond girl sat behind me.

Moments later, Alice walked in with Edward. She greeted me before sitting down in the desk to my right. Edward sat behind her and leaned forward to play with the collar of her shirt. Apparently, he was over his mood from Chemistry class. It was actually kind of cute seeing them together. She giggled while playfully knocking his hand away. He then moved his hand up to ruffle her hair. It was nice to see that the rude boy from earlier was replaced with this playful boy. I wouldn't have thought he had it in him.

The teacher was the last to arrive. He introduced himself as Mr. Thomas and then told us that he would see us tomorrow. My jaw just about dropped to the floor as he left the room. What the hell? I had thought I couldn't be shocked anymore, but this just took the cake. I knew that this was Study Hall, but weren't we entitled to some level of supervision?

I figured my brother and his friends would leave, but they didn't. Edward started talking to Emmett about football. The Prom Queen twirled her fingers in her hair while looking at my brother in adoration. Cowboy strangely enough remained stiff in his chair while ignoring everything around him. Little Alice just looked around at her friends in annoyance.

I hadn't felt more alone all day than I did at this moment surrounded by these people who were so tight with each other. I could tell that had I not been in the room they would have been acting different. They were putting on an act for me. It was weird. James would occasionally look over at me, and I started to wish that I hadn't moved away from him. He may have an odd hand grabbing fetish, but at least, he was friendly.

Alice must have sensed my mood because she broke from the pack and started talking to me. "Have you meet everybody?" she asked kindly.

I shook my head no.

She pointed to the blond girl telling me, "This is Emmett's girlfriend, Rosalie Hale. More importantly, she is my official shopping buddy and best friend."

She nodded her head in Edward's direction saying, "You already met this punk in Chemistry from what I hear."

"The hottie to your left is Jasper Whitlock. He would be the devil that I referred to in Government class this morning," she explained.

I flashed back to our earlier conversation and remembered her warning me about useless knowledge attracting a certain undesirable. I shook my head at the thought of Jasper Whitlock and undesirable coexisting in her little universe. The sheer stupidity of that idea left me certain of my earlier thoughts regarding her circus problems. Someone should really help this girl find a few extra clowns.

I looked around at my brother's friends and noticed that none of them seem particularly happy about Alice introducing me. Jasper continued staring at the front of the room. He looked like he was still angry from his spat with James. Rosalie appeared bored. Edward rolled his eyes and continued talking to Emmett.

"So, have you decided if I should call you Sam, or just stick with Bella?" Alice asked.

"How about we stick with Bella. My ex-boyfriend's best friend is named Sam."

At the mention of my ex-boyfriend, Jasper whipped his head around and glared at me. I began to wonder just what his problem was. Or, maybe I was the one with the problem. I managed to irritate all of Emmett's friends without even trying. Every one of them had frowned at me except for Rosalie, and she was too focused on my brother to even notice me.

Of all of them, Jasper's glare upset me the most. It felt like a sharp knife in my heart. I couldn't explain why this horrible person had such an effect on me. All I knew was that it hurt in ways that the others didn't. Even my brother's rejection of me didn't hurt this bad. This new pain burned me from the inside out.

I looked at the clock on the wall and realized I had forty-five more minutes with these people. It was too much for too long. I gathered my books and left the room. If Edward could get away with leaving an actual class, surely I could get away with ditching Study Hall.

Hearing someone come out behind me, I turned around to see Alice looking at me with concern. I started to tell her to just go back in the classroom, but she put her index finger up to her lips signaling me to be quiet. She then grabbed my hand and began leading me through the hall. We entered an unused classroom and sat down.

"What's wrong, Bella?" she asked sincerely.

I folded my arms across my chest and just looked at her blankly. She might be the nicest person I had met all day but that didn't mean I was going to just bare my soul to her. Besides, I wasn't even sure why I was so upset. I just knew that I was.

"You know, your brother has spent so much time talking about you that I feel like I already know you," she offered in hopes that it would crack my shell.

I rolled my eyes and looked away after hearing her comment about my brother. He knew so little about me that I couldn't imagine what he would even tell this girl. Plus, he didn't even like me, so everything he said had to be bad.

Alice was undeterred by my silence. "Fine. I will just chat while you listen. Let's see. I know that you love Mrs. Cullen's baking skills. You have nightmares after watching scary movies but insist on watching them anyway. I know that you learned to swim after almost drowning when you were ten. Emmett says that the time it took to revive you was the longest minute of his life. Oh, I also know that you are clumsy almost to the point of being disabled. You have an irrational fear of blue butterflies. When you are stressed, you rub the tip of your nose. What else? You don't own any makeup. Lasagna is one of your favorite meals. And, you talk in your sleep."

She left me speechless.

Taking advantage of my silence, she continued her chat. "I meet Emmett five years ago when he moved here with Charlie. I was the first person to talk to him and kept at him for months until he finally talked to me. We've been each other's confidants from that day on. It took him another year to start talking to anyone else. But, even that wouldn't have happened if him and Jasper hadn't of gotten into a fight. I locked the two of them in my family's basement until they agreed to get along. Rosalie is Jasper's cousin, which pretty much makes them a package deal. A few months later, Edward was the last to join our little group."

I didn't understand why Alice was telling me all of this. With my stubbornness still in full force, I continued to remain silent. She stared at me for several minutes. I started to feel bad about ignoring her, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything. After several minutes of silence, she finally got fed up with me. She gathered her stuff up and left the room without uttering another word.

I turned my attention to my calculus homework and finished just as the bell rang. The math work successfully took my mind off of the conversation I shared with Alice. I was almost scared by my ability to push the negative things in my life to the back of my mind. I knew that someday all of these feelings that I suppressed would come charging to the forefront, and most likely, it would happen at the least opportune time.

My final class of the day was a nightmare. Girl's Athletics was my least favorite part of the day. Making things worse was the fact that Rosalie and Alice were there and made a point of ignoring me. The tension between us was palpable. I had little doubt that everyone in class was aware of it. I ignored the whispers surrounding me and focused on the short lady with the whistle. She was trying to get everyone's attention but failing miserably.

Coach Clair handed out our gym clothes and went over the different activities we would be doing this semester. I cringed at each new sport she mentioned. My clumsiness was sure to send me to the emergency room at least twice, and the nurse's office a good deal more than that. I didn't know what was worse, the prospect of me playing volleyball or the possibility of me breaking my neck while doing so. Breaking my neck would be bad, but at least, it would give me an excuse not to play. The thought cheered me only slightly.

Coach Clair dismissed the class a few minutes early. Rather than leave, I opted to hang back to talk to the Coach. It seemed only fair to give her fair warning regarding my alarming ability to fall down at the drop of a hat. She laughed off my concerns, and I left the building more worried than when I walked into it. I knew it was never good for my health when people brushed off my clumsiness as a simple lack of self-confidence.

I rounded a corner heading to the parking lot and came face to face with Rosalie. She was all alone, and I got the impression that she had been waiting for me. I knew from the harsh look on her face that I was due for my second blond confrontation of the day. Only this time, I was facing an entirely different opponent. Rosalie Hale was no Lauren Mallory. Rosalie would give as good as she got and never back down. I glanced around and saw that we were alone. I was grateful that no one was going to hear whatever she had to say.

She set her books down on a nearby picnic table and turned to glare at me. From her stance, I guessed that the Prom Queen meant business, and I blindly hoped that this little meeting would not lead to violence.

"Alice may have been willing to give you a chance, but I won't be so generous," she spat at me angrily.

Generous was one of the last words I would have applied to her so it didn't exactly surprise me. What did catch me off guard was the amount of venom behind her statement. I couldn't think of one single thing that I had done to earn the hatred she was throwing at me. Rosalie looked ready to kill me if I so much as looked at her funny.

This was just terrific. The blond bombshell I thought had been ignoring me was actually plotting my demise while she filed her nails and flipped her hair. Life couldn't get any better than this. I decided that if I was going down that I might as well know what it was for.

"What the hell is your problem, Rosalie? Did the five seconds I spent in your company completely ruin your day?" I questioned. "Did I accidentally block the wind fan from blowing your perfect locks around? Oh, I know. You're pissed about the premature wrinkling you're going to get from scowling at me. My, its tough to be you."

Her eyes narrowed in anger at my questions and sarcasm. She took a step forward, and I berated myself for poking the bear.

"Don't play dumb, Bella. You know why we all don't like you. I'm just the only one pissed enough to call you on it," Rosalie countered.

"Again, you have me at a disadvantage. I have no clue why you and everyone else in this school treats me like a leper. I've never done anything to anyone."

"Bullshit. You go years without talking to your brother and act like it's no big deal. You are just the same hateful bitch that your mother was. So, I've got a simple warning for you. Stay away from Emmett and everyone else. I will end your pitiful existence if you so much as breathe in our direction," she promised before turning and walking away from me.

I now had the answer I wanted. Emmett had lied to all of his friends about our mother and me. It was no wonder they hated me. How could he tell them that we hadn't talked in years? We may not have talked everyday, but it was him that started that. I made a point of calling him a few times a week. Our conversations were always a mixed bag. One day, he would chat like nothing was wrong. The next he would be too busy to say more than a quick greeting before hanging up the phone. Other times, he would ask me question after question about my life. Most of his questions were about things he already knew, which was confusing, but I didn't complain. I was just happy that he talked at all.

If this was how he decided to play his games, I was out. With everything that had happened in the last few months, I couldn't allow myself to be hurt by him. I would simply follow Emmett's lead and ignore him. All of my efforts would have to go to just surviving this year so I could start my own life. Anything less would cause all of the pain that I was hiding inside of my heart to burst out of me. I didn't think I could survive if it did.


	3. Chapter 3 Puppet Master

**First Love Lost  
**Chapter 3 - Puppet Master

I arrived back home and was relieved to find the house empty. If Charlie and Emmett kept to their usual patterns, I wouldn't see either of them for the rest of the day. When I first moved here, I was hurt that they took so little interest in me. After a couple of weeks, the uncomfortable silences had become old hat, and I could ignore them for the most part.

After depositing my books upstairs in my room, I moved to the living room to watch television. Not much was on, and I spent several minutes flipping through channels. I finally settled on a home decorating show when I heard a knock at the front door.

I answered the door to find James from study hall waiting anxiously on the front step. Not wanting to invite him in my house, I stepped outside to see what he wanted. He looked nervous and was sweating bullets.

"Bella, I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted earlier. I know I made you uncomfortable, and I am sorry. I wanted to be friendly and tried too hard. When Jasper came in, the animosity between him and I made the situation worse. I must have come across as some strange stalker type," he rushed out in one big jumble of words.

Before James could continue his little speech, I stopped him. "Don't worry about it. After the day I had, I might just take any friend I can get. Stalkers and all."

He closed his eyes and ducked his head. I was a little worried that I offended him but that worry vanished in the next second when he started chuckling. When he looked back up at me, I realized for the first time that he was actually quite handsome. A combination of black hair, light gray eyes, and pale skin gave him an otherworldly appearance. Stalking was definitely not in his repertoire. If anything, he would be the object of someone else's obsession.

"Tell ya what. You and I are going to start over." I offered with a big smile while sticking out my hand. "I'm Bella Swan."

"James Witherdale," he said with a smile. He grabbed my hand and shook it. This time he released it after an appropriate amount of time. It was good to see he had learned from earlier.

"Would you like to stay and talk for a bit?" I asked while indicating we could sit on the front step.

"Sure," James agreed before sitting down with me.

There was an awkward silence between us that stretched over several minutes. For some reason, neither one of us could find anything to say.

"This is stupid," I said. "How about we each get two questions, and whatever you ask you also have to answer?"

I started us off with an easy one, "What's your favorite quote?"

"'Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past,'" he answered without hesitation.

The quote was familiar, but I couldn't place its origins. Rather than admit my ignorance I decided to look it up later. Something about his answer brought back my earlier concerns about James. It was like I was missing something that was staring me in the face. I just couldn't quite figure out what it was. Or, it could be that I was just looking for a reason to not make friends after the day of glares and whispers I had experienced.

James interrupted my thoughts by reminding me that I hadn't given my quote. I didn't really have a favorite quote, but I knew a few memorable ones that were at least interesting. I opted to go with one that I always found entertaining.

"'By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes,'" I offered.

"I love that I throw George Orwell at you, and you counter with Shakespeare. You, Bella Swan, are a delightful creature," he said with a wide grin and a twinkle in his eyes.

"Creature. You just called me a creature. Why does that make me think of little green goblins and crazy imps?" I said with a frown.

James laughed at my frown. "If we are going to go with creatures, how about comparing yourself to a siren?"

"Oh, so now I lure sailors to their deaths. I really am special," I said with a laugh.

"Alright, it's my turn to ask a question. The world is in black and white. You have the opportunity to add three colors. Which do you choose and why? And no generic answer like blue. I need specifics."

I took a minute to think of some good colors. I closed my eyes and thought about the way color made me feel. My answers would probably sound random, but the question was random so it didn't matter. Finally, I decided on my three.

"Russet Brown because it makes me feel warm just by looking at it. Corn Yellow because it always makes me smile. And Cobalt Blue because it relaxes me."

He seemed to like my answers and immediately followed with his own. "Burnt Orange, Fire Red, and Indigo. They are the colors from the most beautiful sunset that I have ever seen. Something about that day was magical," he answered wistfully.

His answer left me curious, but it seemed like a very private memory for him. I decided to pencil in my questions about it for a later date.

"What is something about you that is in contrast to your nature?" I asked wondering if the question made any sense to him.

"Oh, that's easy. I like to think I'm a calm natured intellectual, but I'm also one of the best outside linebackers in the state." James answered with the utmost confidence.

I smile at his answer. It was obvious that he wanted me to think of him as both smart and athletic. I had no idea what a linebacker was, but it sure sounded good. Maybe if I were fluent in _Sports Illustrated_, it would actually mean something.

Rather than focus on his answer, James moved the topic along and asked for my answer. "What about you, Bella?"

"I like to think of myself as a caretaker, but I can't keep my own self out of trouble," I admitted before pushing him to ask the final question. "Your turn."

"What's your favorite animal and why?" James asked.

I was relieved to hear the easy question and answered quickly. "I'm going to cheat a little and go with a bird. I like owls. My mother used to tell me that they were the keepers of our secrets. They could see into our souls and reflect what they saw back to us in their eyes. Every time I see one, I wonder what they see in me."

James liked my answer. "Owls. I wasn't expecting that. Mine is kind of lame. My grandmother had a pet raccoon named Liar. I always liked the little guy."

Liar. What an odd name. I smiled at the cuteness of it.

"So, how was your first day?" James asked changing the subject.

Before I could answer, we were interrupted by the slamming of car doors. Emmett had arrived with Rosalie, and the rest of his gang was getting out of a silver Volvo that pulled up behind him. I heard James mumble a couple of expletives under his breath. We both stood up and watched as everyone approached.

"James, maybe you should head home," I suggested. The study hall encounter was fresh in my mind, and I really didn't want a repeat of it, especially with Jasper backed up by my brother and Edward. Judging from the looks on all three of their faces, James was equally despised by each of them.

Before James could respond, Emmett yelled, "What the hell are you doing talking to my sister? And, why the hell are you at my house? I told you not to come back here."

"I just came over to talk to sweet, little Bella. I figured she was worth the risk of running into your ugly face," James growled.

"You don't get to talk to my sister," Emmett stated coldly.

I was not going to let him dictate who could talk to me. Why he would even care, I could not imagine. If Emmett didn't talk to me, he sure wasn't going to make rules about who could. I grabbed James' hand and pulled him in the direction of my car. Leaving was utmost in my mind, and having him accompany me would make everyone mad. In short, it was a brilliant plan.

"Where do you think you're going, Bella?" my brother yelled as I pushed past him.

James quickly figured out my intentions and started leading me in the direction of my car. He seemed more than willing to escape alongside me. We almost made it when my free arm was grabbed from behind. I turned back and realized with shock that it was Jasper who had a hold of me.

"You're not leaving with him, Bella. You don't know him," Jasper stated firmly. "I know you're mad, but just trust me. You want no part of this guy."

Emmett telling me what to do was bad enough, but this guy I didn't even know was now joining in the fun. His words only made me more determined. James must have felt my increasing anger, because he squeezed my hand in support. I returned the gentle pressure, and he tried to pull me closer to him. It didn't work. Jasper had a tight hold on my arm, and I wasn't moving.

I looked up at him and glared. "Don't pretend you people care about what I do or don't do. From everything I've heard, it's all of you that I should be worried about," I hissed.

"I meant what I said. You're not leaving with him," Jasper said harshly.

"Why don't you let her decide for herself, Whitlock." James suggested with a sneer.

I was suddenly tired of the whole thing. Jasper and Emmett were idiots, and James wasn't exactly helping matters with his attitude. Looking around, I realized that I had gotten myself stuck in some kind of sick tug of war between two guys that I barely knew. I was holding onto James with my left hand, and Jasper still had a hold of my right arm.

"You're right. I am not leaving with James. I'm going off on my own. You guys enjoy your little party," I yelled at them both.

I released James' hand and tried to shake off Jasper's hold on me. He responded by pulling me into his chest roughly causing me to gasp. I felt an electric shock run through my body, and my breath caught as our eyes locked.

Jasper tightened his hold on me, and my heart began to race. I watched as his gaze drifted down to my lips. I hated that he was getting a reaction out of me, but I couldn't help it. It had been too long since I had been held by someone, and I needed this contact desperately. Like a predator he could sense my weakness.

Jasper smiled wickedly and slowly trailed a finger along my jaw line causing me to shudder in response. He stopped at my chin and began softly brushing my lower lip with his thumb. I released an involuntary moan that made his eyes flash with need. He knew full well the reaction he was having on me, and it seemed I was having an affect on him as well. I took a ragged breath to try to calm myself.

"It's time for you to leave. Bella and I have things we need to go do," he said with meaning.

I blushed at the thought of what his words implied. From the corner of my eye, I watched as James stomped off with his shoulders slumped in defeat. Between Jasper's words and my obvious reaction to being held by him, we had managed to send out a clear message. Anger welled up inside of me, and I narrowed my eyes at him. All of my feelings from a moment ago left in an instant. This jerk had some nerve.

Before I could tell him just what I thought of him, my brother stepped forward. "You can stop pretending you want to jump my sister. The guy is gone."

Emmett's words brought me back to reality. I glanced around and saw that Edward and Rosalie were watching us with amusement. They had clearly enjoyed the show. Alice on the other hand looked like she was as angry as me. For some reason, her reaction left me worried.

I looked back at Jasper who was watching me with a confusing mix of desire and fear. I pushed away from him and stormed into the house. I didn't trust myself to drive, which left going to my room as my only means of escape.

After slamming my bedroom door closed, I look around for something to throw. My eyes settled on a baseball bat that I kept near my bed in case of intruders. I grabbed it up and gave my bed several good hard whacks. It may have looked stupid, but I knew from experience that it would relieve my anger. Plus, it had the added bonus of not destroying anything.

When I was done with my little temper tantrum, I threw myself on the bed and screamed into my pillow. It was official. This day sucked. Emmett was still ignoring me. Everyone in school looked at me like used toilet paper. My brother's friends hated me, and the only person who had been friendly to me had left my house thinking that I was interested in Jasper Whitlock, which I was. Things couldn't possibly get any worse.

I was wrong. My door squeaked open and in walked Alice, who perched her petite body on my bed like she owned the place.

"What do you want?" I groaned.

"To talk to you, silly," she answered with her trilling voice.

Her chipperness was so annoying that it could make a saint kill puppies.

"Go away, Alice."

"Nope. I think I will just stay for a bit. Bonding with Bella is the new extreme sport in this town," she joked.

I turned my head and looked at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Like you don't know," Alice said with a wink.

"Really. I don't."

"Lauren Mallory wants to eat you for lunch. Rosalie is ready to murder you in your sleep. Edward is willing to offer her an alibi. Jasper wants to rip James apart for talking to you, and Emmett wants to beat Jasper unconscious for possibly having impure thoughts about his sister. So you see, Bonding with Bella is like jumping out of a plane without a parachute."

I frowned at her before turning my face back into my pillow.

"Look. You had a bad day. Just get over it, and come downstairs," she pleaded.

"No," I grumbled into my pillow.

"Why not?"

I turned over onto my back and glanced at the girl on my bed. Alice was without a doubt either the most clueless person on the planet or the craziest.

"Is it the thing with Rosalie?" Alice asked.

"No," I grumbled.

"Edward?"

"Not hardly."

"Emmett?"

"No," I shouted in frustration.

Her smiling face fell into a frown. "Jasper?"

"Maybe," I admitted reluctantly.

"Oh, Bella that's not good," Alice said with all seriousness. "Jasper is someone you need to stay far away from if at all possible. You are completely off limits for him and that makes you all the more tempting. And from what I saw a minute ago, he is already very tempted. I just hope that Emmett keeps putting it off as some kind of act to make James mad."

I couldn't doubt the sincerity in her eyes. Alice was trying to help me by warning me away from the bad influence that was her friend.

"Bella, outside of his friends, the only thing in this world Jasper cares about is finding new ways to amuse himself. He is easily bored and has extremely poor impulse control. If he decides you're his new favorite toy, I don't think he will be able to deny himself. And don't think for a minute you will have a choice in the matter. Jasper will charm you until you give in. You won't even know it until it's too late. He will then use you for a while before suddenly losing interest and moving onto someone new. Once he is done with you, he is done. It will be as if he never even knew you," she explained in a sad voice.

"If he's so bad, why are you even friends with him?" I asked.

Alice took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She then laid down next to me on the bed. I watched as she closed her eyes and appeared to think about my question. It suddenly hit me. She loved Jasper. Maybe not today, but sometime in past she had loved him. I was suddenly sad for her. I could only guess at their story and hoped it didn't include a version of what she had just described.

"Jasper is complicated," she began. "He is the best friend a person can ask for. When he cares about someone, he will do anything for them. He is loyal and generous to a fault. Unfortunately, he only cares about a very few people. If you are not one of those lucky few, your feelings don't matter to him. He won't go out of his way to hurt a person's feelings, but he is completely unaffected by it if he does."

"Why is he like this?" I wondered.

"Part of it is the way things come so easily to him. Jasper has never had to work hard for anything, and when you don't have to work hard for something, you don't appreciate it. People flock to him because he is so naturally charismatic. He is a born leader who can take charge in any situation. For example, our group is made up of people with very strong personalities, but we all defer to him. Earlier when James was here, Emmett may have voiced the first objections about you leaving, but it was Jasper who kept you here. It was a situation that Emmett should have handled, but he let Jasper do it."

"You make him sound like some kind of puppet master," I commented.

Alice laughed at the comparison. "He is in a way I guess. We all pretty much dance to his tune while he pulls the strings. The trick is that he lets us think we are in charge of ourselves when we're really not. All of this must sound pretty crazy to you," she said in a return to her earlier cheerfulness.

I sat up on the bed and looked down at her. "I still don't understand why you are friends with him. The good points seem to be far outweighed by the bad."

"I guess it's because he is so good to all of us. No matter what goes wrong in our lives, he finds a way to fix it. Jasper is the glue that holds our little family together. It may not sound like it, but he needs us as much, or more, than we need him. As pieces of his little puzzle, we are fine on our own but become much stronger when we are united. On his own, Jasper is just glue. He needs us to survive," Alice explained with an almost religious fervor.

She then looked at me with speculation in her eyes. I was left wondering if maybe she thought I hadn't gotten her message about Jasper. I did. He was not a good guy, and I should stay away at all cost. It was pretty easy to understand. I smiled at her and tried to convey that I had gotten the point of her little talk.

My smile brought about a reaction I wasn't expecting. Alice sat up quickly. Her face suddenly switched to a look of hard determination. Her posture even changed. She held herself more stiffly, and her eyes were focused intently on mine. Throughout our whole conversation about Jasper, she maintained a cheerful though slightly guarded demeanor. She now looked fierce. The change left me feeling like a tornado had swept through and dropped a different girl in my room.

Alice's voice took on a hard tone. "Emmett may not act like it, but he loves you very much. He is intensely protective of you. Whenever he mentions you, his voice always betrays his emotions. Your brother would do anything for you. If push comes to shove, Emmett would choose you over anything and everything in this world. Even Rosalie doesn't stand a chance. Why do you think she hates you so much? You need to be very careful about the choices you make, Bella."

"Why are you telling me all this?" I asked with curiosity. Her change in topic left me confused, and her change in attitude left me slightly scared. I couldn't understand her motives.

Alice looked at me with a Machiavellian grin. "Because like it or not, you are going to be one of us. Unless, you make the mistake of falling for Jasper. If that happens, you will destroy my little family, and I can't allow that to happen," she said with cold deliberation.

Her words were filled with a deadly promise that sent a nervous tremor through my system. I had no doubt that Alice would do whatever it took to protect her family. For most of the day, she had played the good guy, but the last few minutes showed that she could play the bad guy with equal skill. It made me wonder, which was the real her.

Earlier, Rosalie had come at me like a blunt weapon. She sent her message clearly and without guile. Alice, on the other hand, used her sunny disposition and openness to manipulate me into laying down my defenses. It made her not so subtly disguised threat all the more powerful. This petite girl had managed to succeed where Rosalie and countless other people in my life had failed. Alice frightened me.


	4. Chapter 4 Friends

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 4 - Friends

I woke up a half hour before my alarm was set to go off to wake me up for school. It was my second day, and I was not looking forward to it. Try as I might, I was unable to go back to sleep. With a groan, I rolled out of bed and gathered up some clothes and toiletries to go take my shower.

Thirty minutes later, I was dressed and sitting in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. My thoughts were focused on the previous afternoon. After talking to me about Jasper, Alice had left abruptly and took her crew of friends with her. I spent the rest of the day alone thinking about my bad day. I was determined to improve on it, but my expectations were low.

Heavy footsteps on the staircase alerted me to Emmett's presence. I looked up and told him good morning. To my surprise, he actually responded instead of ignoring me.

"Morning," he said.

My jaw just about hit the floor. It may have been just a simple word, but it made me feel hopeful. I searched my head for a subject that could get him talking since he seemed less reticent today. A few minutes past before I came up with a subject that I was sure he couldn't resist.

"Emmett, can I ask you something?" I asked nervously.

He grunted in response. I wasn't sure if it was meant as a yes or no. Sensing my confusion, he looked over at me and raised an eyebrow. I took it as an invitation to speak.

"What's the deal with James?" I asked picking the only thing that had managed to get a reaction out of him in the two months I had lived with him.

Emmett frowned and continued eating what was now his second bowl of cereal. A few minutes went by, and I realized with disappointment that I must have misread his signals. I got up to put my bowl in the sink and started to leave the room.

"Bella," he said, which stopped me in my tracks.

"Yes," I answered.

He turned to look behind us before continuing in a whisper. "I can't explain this here. It will have to wait until there isn't a chance of someone listening," he said with his index finger pointing up to the second floor where I could hear Charlie moving around.

It wasn't the answer I was expecting and left me confused. Why would Emmett not want Charlie to hear us? What connection did James have to our dad? Nothing about this made any sense.

"Please promise me you will be careful around James," Emmett implored with a serious look on his face. "You don't have to stop talking to him, but just be aware that he may not be as nice as you think he is."

"Of course, I'll do what ever you think is best," I promised.

He relaxed immediately and gave me a small smile. I returned it with one of my own. For a few minutes, it felt like I had my brother back. The thought made me well up with emotion. I knew I needed to leave, or I would start crying. After telling him I would see him at school, I turned and left before I could give in to my emotions. Once I was out of the house and couldn't see him, I calmed down immediately. Crying was something I was doing all to often these days, and I didn't want to do it today.

* * *

I arrived at school on my second day a good thirty minutes early. Sitting in my car during that time, I watched as cars slowly began to fill the parking lot. I recognized a few of the students from the day before, but not many. I had been so focused on just getting through my first day that I hadn't really paid attention to anyone that was around me. It was hard to complain about not making friends when I didn't exactly give anyone a chance. My body language and silence had no doubt made me appear unapproachable. Today, I would smile and talk to people.

I got out of my car and walked slowly up to the school. To my relief, less people turned to watch me today. I was suddenly grateful for the poor attention span in most people my age. I was yesterday's news to many of them, which was perfectly fine to me.

Smiling at people around me seemed to do the trick. A few people smiled back and said hello. These little things gave me confidence, and I felt more optimistic about my future here at this school. Ordinarily, I was shy and reserved, but I really wanted to make some friends. My mom had been my best friend, but when she died, I realized just how isolated I had made myself from the rest of the world. Other than my ex-boyfriend, Jacob, I had few friends. Most of them had been his friends. I didn't want to drift through life alone. Renee's death had shown me the value of having connections to the world, and I was determined to make those connections as soon as I could.

My confidence was cut short when I walked into first period English. Lauren Mallory practically whimpered as I took my seat behind her. She then abruptly stood up and switched to a desk across the room. For the next hour, she sent me worried glances. This girl, who the day before had challenged me so openly, was acting as if she was scared of me. She never once talked to anyone in class, and I realized that no one else seemed to whisper about me as they had done just the previous day. In fact, the whole class seemed to go out of their way to avoid making eye contact with me. Making friends was going to be hard with people treating me like a recently paroled convict.

Second period went much better. Alice greeted me with a friendly hug that threw me off. It had been a while since anyone had done that, and I was momentarily stunned by her actions. She must have sensed my reaction because she sent me a reassuring smile before taking her seat.

"Having a better day so far?" she asked.

"Sure. Instead of everyone looking at me like a zoo animal, they now look at me like an escaped convict," I answered wryly.

Her distinct trilling laughter rang out like a bell. "They're just afraid that they offended you yesterday. Now that they think you are close with my group, they will be more careful around you. Being Emmett's baby sister comes with certain privileges."

"Yeah, the sheep ask for permission before grazing on my land."

Alice's eyes sparkled with mischief. "Ah, Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep, And can't tell where to find them. Leave them alone, And they'll come home, Wagging their tails behind them," she rhymed with a laugh. "I think I'll use that as inspiration for your Halloween costume."

"That's all I need. Just leave off the shepherd's crook. I already have an easy enough time tripping."

"Tripping can be good. It gives someone of the male persuasion the chance to catch you," she said with a grin.

I snorted at that comment. "The only thing that ever catches me is the ground."

A scheming glint replaced the mischief in Alice's eyes. "We'll have to fix that."

Great. Now, she'd be trying to fix me up with guys. I would need to keep far away from this girl. She would be the type to never let up until she got what she wanted, and me dating was something she wasn't going to get.

The first few minutes of Calculus were uncomfortable. James was the first person I saw when I walked into class. He looked at me and smiled in greeting. I wanted to go over and explain what had happened yesterday, but my promise to Emmett stopped me. James noticed my hesitation and frowned in response.

Ten minutes later, Mr. Varner's lesson was interrupted when Jasper and Alice walked into the room. They each handed him a slip from the office and explained that their original third period class was full, which required them to change up their schedules.

They sat down at desks that put them directly between James and me. Alice smiled at me with mischief, but Jasper didn't so much as turn his head in my direction. When I glanced over at James, I noticed that he looked infuriated. Sensing my gaze, he turned to look at me and caught me staring at him. The anger on his face faded in an instant to a neutral expression. The chameleon like change in his countenance made me think of someone putting on a mask. For the second time in two days, I was left wondering about the true nature of a person. Before, it had been Alice who went from good to bad in a flash. Now, it was James.

My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed James watching me with triumph in his eyes. I realized that I was still staring at him and turned away in embarrassment. Judging by the look in his eyes, he must have gotten the impression that I was interested in him. Had it not been for Jasper, I might have been.

Lunch was an improvement over yesterday. James joined me and was accompanied by a girl he introduced as Angela Webber. I liked her right away. She was a nice girl who I could actually see becoming friends with. We all chatted for the majority of lunch. It turned out that Angela and I shared English and Government classes. I felt a bit ashamed that I hadn't even noticed her. She was shy and reserved, but the girl was six feet tall. How could I have missed her?

Most of our conversations lingered over our shared love of reading. All of us loved the classics. Angela and James were reading _Pride and Prejudice_ for Mrs. Cullen's group that met after school. Their first meeting of this school year wasn't until next Tuesday. I made a mental note to reread the book for the millionth time in preparation for the meeting.

When the bell rang, we said our goodbyes. I gathered my books up and walked to Chemistry. For the second time in two days, I was jostled from behind. This time was rougher, and I completely lost my balance. My right arm shot out to catch myself, but it was unnecessary. Strong arms caught me by the waist and pulled me into a hard chest.

The voice of my rescuer was in my ear as he leaned down and whispered, "Careful, sunshine. We can't have you getting hurt."

Chills went through me from the warm breath on my neck. I turned my head up slowly to see who had caught me and found myself staring into the blue eyes of Jasper Whitlock.

I forced myself to keep my cool and stepped away from him. "Thank you, Jasper," I said softly.

His jaw clinched when I spoke, and his eyes flashed with an emotion I couldn't interpret. He quickly snapped out of whatever it was, and his eyes trailed slowly up and down my body causing me to stiffen in response.

Jasper saw my reaction and smiled mockingly. "Don't worry. I'm just inspecting the safety of the goods. You appear gloriously intact."

"Goods? Why don't you just visit the butcher if you want meat. You arrogant ass," I growled before walking away.

Like the jerk that I knew he was, he whistled as I stomped off in the direction of the science building. Chemistry never sounded so good. It was just the escape I needed from the thoughts I couldn't seem to control. I enjoyed him touching me just a little too much.

* * *

The next two weeks passed by quickly. I grew closer to the three friends I had made my first week. Alice was the liveliest of the bunch and conversation with her was always fun. She had a playfulness about her that added a shot of levity to my boring life. I found myself looking forward to our shared classes. No matter my mood she would make me laugh.

James was a different story. It was growing increasing difficult to enjoy my time with him. He was not the problem at all. The problem was Emmett and Jasper. They were constantly directing cutting remarks at James and then adding a few hard stares as a bonus. It was obvious that they didn't like him, but none of them ever offered up a reason to explain why they felt that way. After a few days of it, James distanced himself from me and returned to eating lunch with his friends from before. He continued to come by the house when he knew my brother wouldn't be around to bother us.

On the other hand, Angela and I were getting along famously. We spent everyday at lunch together and spent many of our afternoons together studying at my house. It was nice to finally have someone who shared my interests. Angela was good company, and I really appreciated how easy she was to spend time with. Today, we were talking about her new favorite subject. Jasper.

She nudged my leg under the cafeteria table to get my attention. "He's staring at you again."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't care, Ang. You bringing it up only makes it harder for me to ignore him."

Angela smiled slowly. "Uh oh."

"What?" I asked tempted to look.

"A group of freshmen just stepping into his line of sight," she explained. She held up her hand to cover her mouth as she started laughing. "He's getting up and walking over to them."

I kept my eyes glued to the table refusing to take a peek. "Don't be ridiculous. He's probably just leaving."

"No, he just walked up to them. I don't know what he said, but they just took off at a run. Poor kids. I think he frightened them."

"This is stupid."

"Nooo, this is funny," she laughed. "He's back at the table. Alice is talking to him. She doesn't look happy."

I let out a frustrated groan. "The play-by-play is unnecessary. I really don't care what he does."

"Liar. You like him. Even if you don't watch him, you are still aware of him. It's written all over your face."

"Well, you like Ben Cheney," I mentioned trying to divert Angela's attention.

She laughed at my attempt. "Yes, I do, but your plan won't work. Your man is the topic of the day."

"He's not my man. Jasper is just some guy with bad manners and an eye affliction that causes him to look in directions he can't help."

"You're right he has Bellaucoma. A disorder of the eye resulting in inappropriate attention directed at innocent females. While marijuana provides relief from the symptoms, it has unfortunate side effects that result in slowed reaction speed and a loss of coordination. Poor guy, to be so afflicted must wear on him terribly."

"Funny," I responded sarcastically. "How about we turn the focus to Ben? When are you going to ask him out?"

Angela blushed. "I'm not."

"Why? You two would make a cute couple. Besides, he's crazy about you."

"I'm five inches taller than him. How is that cute?"

She had a point, but I wasn't going to admit it. "Don't be so shallow. You would make a cute couple because you both like each other so much."

"It will never happen," Angela said with a sad look in her eyes.

I didn't agree with her. It would happen. All that was needed was a proper push in the right direction. I would have to keep my eyes peeled for the right opportunity to shove them both into fate's path.

* * *

The funny thing about fate is that you always forget it is leading you along the path it has chosen for you. My path took a sharp turn to the left after school when I answered a knock at the front door. I expected it to be James and was surprised to find Jasper standing on my porch instead. He was drenched from head to toe. I looked behind him and didn't see a vehicle.

"Did you walk here?" I asked standing in the entrance while he continued to get wet from the heavy rain.

Jasper smirked at me. "Yeah. Now, how 'bout you let me in."

I stood in the door and continued looking at him. Inviting him inside was the very last of my plans. The jerk wouldn't melt, and the rain might wash off part of his attitude. Besides, a wet Jasper was kinda hot. His shirt was plastered to his chest and showed off his muscles to perfection. Beads of water dripped down his face and neck making wet trails along his skin. No, he didn't need to come in the house. He could just stand out there all day and give me a show.

After a minute of us staring at each other, he pushed past me and walked in the house. "Nice manners you got there. Can I have a towel at least?"

I was tempted to tell him no but opted for the nice route figuring it might make him leave sooner. I walked down the hall and retrieved two large towels for him. When I returned to the living room, he grabbed the towels from me and started drying off. I had to force myself to turn away and sit on the couch.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

He draped one of the towels around his shoulders and sat on the floor. "I wanted to talk to you."

"You walked here in the rain so you could talk to me. Don't you have a car or a phone?"

Jasper gave me an angry glare. "Yes, I have a car, but I didn't drive it to school. I usually ride with Edward and Alice. I didn't call because I wanted to see you."

It wasn't like we were friends. "Why? It's not like you and I have a reason to see each other."

He looked down at the floor, and his shoulders slumped. "Look. I'm just going to leave. I shouldn't have come here," he said before standing up and heading to the door.

"Wait," I called out to him when his hand touched the doorknob.

"What?" Jasper asked.

"I'll give you a ride," I offered.

Minutes later, we were driving through the town of Forks. We weren't talking, but the silence between us wasn't uncomfortable. It was just quiet. The odd thing was that he wasn't giving me any directions to his house. We were just driving in circles.

Finally, I asked, "Jasper, do you not want to go home?"

He tensed in response to my question before shaking his head slightly. "No. Can't we just keep driving? Neither one of us have anywhere we need to be."

We took highway 101 and headed south out of town. After driving about thirty minutes, I turned onto a gravel road and drove for another mile before pulling over. The rain had stopped, and I rolled our windows down to enjoy the fresh air. I then leaned my seat back and closed my eyes to relax. Jasper didn't say anything. He copied my movements and relaxed into his seat as well.

After several minutes had past, I turned my head sideways and looked over at him. He was staring at me. "Why are you always watching me?" I asked.

He gave me a small smile. "I like looking at you. You don't try to be like everyone else. I know that when I look at you I am actually seeing you."

I smiled at his answer. It was sweet, but I doubt he realized that.

"Are you dating James?" he asked.

His question surprised me. "No. Would it matter if I was?"

He closed his eyes. "Yeah, I think it would."

Silence took over again. I closed my eyes and tried to focus my thoughts that were getting scrambled by his words. I had no clue what was going on with him today, but I knew that tomorrow he would be back to normal. It would be as if today never happened. The thought made me sad. I could like this Jasper.

He reached over and grabbed my right hand that was lying at my side. I opened my eyes at his touch. "Why did you really come to see me?" I asked.

"I was in a bad mood after school and hoped that you could help me get over it."

"Did I?"

Jasper flashed with a big smile that seemed to answer my question. "I'm surprised you didn't ask what put me in a bad mood."

I shrugged my shoulders. "If you wanted to tell me, you would."

"My dad came to watch our football practice today. He wasn't happy with what he saw so he pulled me aside and lectured me on the importance of meeting his expectations."

"I didn't know you played football."

He took my hand and brought it up to his mouth for a quick kiss. "I didn't figure you would. You don't seem like the type to care about the same bullshit everyone else does."

"Why do you play if you think feel that way?" I asked curiously.

"I used to play because I enjoyed it. I play now because it gets me what I want."

"How long ago did you stop enjoying it?"

Jasper started laughing when he heard my question. "Again. You step around the obvious question and move on to another. Don't you want to know what it is that I want?"

I wrinkled my nose and shook my head. "I doubt I know you well enough to understand your answer."

He eyed me curiously. "You don't think like anyone I've ever met."

"You didn't answer my question," I reminded him with a smile.

"Freshman year," he answered finally.

"You haven't enjoyed it for three years, yet you still play. That doesn't make any sense."

"Like I said. It gets me what I want. Beyond that, there are people that depend on me to play. Stopping isn't really an option."

Jasper's explanation left me with more questions than answers. "Which is the main reason? Is it getting what you want or pleasing everyone else?"

He paused to think about my question before answering. "I'm not trying to please everyone else. My playing helps Emmett and Edward. They are the main reason I do it. Everything else is just a bonus."

"Playing to make your friends happy isn't very fair to you."

"I've only found one thing I won't do for my friends. Playing football isn't it," he said with a smirk.

I wanted to ask him what that one thing was but held my tongue. Too much information was sometimes a bad thing.

An hour later, I dropped him off at his house and returned home. The moment he stepped out of the car my anxiety picked up immediately. It was odd, but I felt so calm just sitting with him. I will admit that I had my moments where looking at him and thinking about him would fill me with tension, but for the most part, I was relaxed around him. The truth was that Jasper made me feel good, and it worried me.


	5. Chapter 5 Jasper 101

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 5 - Jasper 101

I watched the minutes on the clock countdown slowly to the end of Government. When the bell finally rang, I jumped at the sound even though I was expecting it. My anxiety was all due to my next class. Calculus would bring with it my first contact with Jasper since yesterday afternoon. After spending the previous evening thinking about him constantly, I did not want to see him. I knew he would act as if he hadn't seen me yesterday, and it would bother me.

Alice walked up behind me and rubbed my shoulder. "Are you okay? You seem out of it today."

No, I wasn't okay. My brain was starting to agree with my hormones and was telling me that I liked Jasper Whitlock. "I'm fine. I just had too much coffee this morning. It's making me antsy."

"You don't drink coffee," Alice said with a worried expression on her face.

She was right. I hated the stuff and never drank it. "Uh. Coffee. Did I say coffee? I meant chocolate milk."

_Chocolate milk. Nice excuse, dumb ass. _I mentally slapped myself. Where was my brain? Well, that was a dumb question. I knew where my brain was.

We walked into class, and I was relieved to see that Jasper was not there. The relief only lasted the minute it took for him to arrive. He nodded at Alice and ignored me completely like I figured he would. I hated being right about that last part. James followed him in and instead of taking his seat he stopped by my desk.

"Hey, Bella. Are we still on for this afternoon?" he asked.

I flashed back to Monday when I agreed to meet him and Angela for dinner at the new pizza place that opened. If he hadn't reminded me, I would have completely forgotten about it. "Of course, I've been looking forward to it," I lied.

Jasper turned in his chair and sent me a hard look. I remembered him asking if I was seeing James and cringed at the memory. I hadn't mentioned Angela's involvement in my plans, which made it sound like a date. I was about to say something to James that would clear up the misunderstanding when Mr. Varner began today's lecture. My luck was on short supply today.

For the first time, I was completely incapable of ignoring Jasper. My awareness of him was something I felt all the way down to my toes. I found that my breathing had paced itself to match his own. The slight rise of his shoulders provided a signal to my body to inhale in perfect time with him. When he would take notes, my right hand would twitch in response to the movement. I would bet money that my heart rate instinctively aligned itself with Jasper's in a rapid thump.

Somehow, I knew that he was just as aware of me as I was of him. Though I sensed his anger, it was overridden by our mutual attraction that radiated off both of us in waves. Our bodies seemed to share an innate connection that caused us to sometimes tense up the moment we shared physical space. It would come out of nowhere and make me forget about the calmness he also made me feel. The contrasting feelings were like riding a roller coaster blindfolded. The twists and turns came out of nowhere.

Today our feelings were magnified. It was not just our close proximity, but also, the fact that our reactions to each other grew in intensity every time I felt that charge develop between us. By the end of the week, I would probably spontaneously combust from living in the same zip code as him. It was weird to think that we didn't have this pull between us yesterday afternoon because it was certainly not missing today.

My attention was diverted when I heard Mr. Varner call my name.

"Y-yes," I answered with a stutter in my voice.

"Do you know the answer, Miss Swan?" he asked with doubt in his voice.

"I'm sorry. What was the question?" I asked with embarrassment staining my cheeks bright red.

"Please pay attention. If you don't get the basics, you won't fair very well in this class," he stated smugly. "Though from the attention you are paying Mr. Whitlock, I am sure you will pass Jasper 101."

A chorus of laughter tittered around the room. Everyone was looking at me, and I wanted to die. Please, God, let a meteorite strike me dead. A lightening bolt would be great as well. Just don't hit me with a ceiling tile, because I really don't want to walk away from this.

My eyes meet Jasper's. I expected him to be laughing as well, but he appeared to be angrier than he was before. He stood up and gave Mr. Varner a look filled with hate. He then gathered up his books and stepped around his desk coming closer to me.

"Come on, Bella. Let's get out of here," Jasper said with his free hand outstretched in invitation.

Without a single moment's hesitation, I closed my book and gathered my things. He then took my hand and led me out of class. Nothing was impossible for him, and it sent a thrill through me. All thoughts of the rest of the world faded. I had no idea where we were going, and I didn't care. In that moment, I would have followed him to the moon. He earned my complete trust by saving me from the embarrassment brought on by Mr. Varner's words.

Jasper led me through the halls and out to my car. He held his right hand out, and I handed him my keys as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He opened my door, and I got in as if in a daze. After circling around to the driver's side, he got in and started my car. The roar of the engine relaxed me, and I absently noted that we were leaving.

When we reached the open road of the highway, he took his hand off of the clutch and grabbed my own. He pulled away only to shift gears and would then return his hand to mine. Not a word was shared between us. We didn't need to speak. All we needed was to be together. I don't know how long we drove or where we went. Minutes or hours could have elapsed before I felt him bring my car to a slow stop.

We were parked on the side of a dirt road that I didn't remember us turning onto. Jasper opened his door and stepped out. I exited the car and circled around to join him. He again grabbed my hand and began leading me into the surrounding trees.

As we trekked through the forest, Jasper kept close to me. The few times I stumbled he pulled me closer and stopped me from falling. We took our time and kept up the silence from earlier. It dawned on me that we hadn't spoken since he asked me to leave class with him, and even then I didn't speak.

I was probably a fool for going off with him again. After all, I didn't know him. The few things I did know about him should have prevented me from being around him at all. But like a fool, I allowed myself to forget Alice's careful words and subtle warnings. Strangely, I didn't feel a drop of worry or fear. I couldn't explain it, but I trusted Jasper. I knew that with him near me I would come to no harm.

We walked through the forest until we came to a clearing with several fallen trees. He released my hand, and I walked around taking in this new place. In the center, there were remnants of a recent campfire surrounded by a few tree trunks that provided places to sit. The trees acted as a screen from the rest of world giving the area a sense of isolation. The setting was beautiful in its simplicity. I could stay here for years and never get tired of the sense of peace it brought me.

Looking around I saw that there were several trails meandering throughout the clearing and into the woods. They didn't detract from the beauty at all. In fact, they added to the atmosphere. They hinted at secret adventures and hidden moments. I realized that this place belonged to Jasper and his friends. They came here to get away from the world. The thought made me feel like an interloper in their private world.

I glanced over and found Jasper watching me carefully. "I thought you weren't seeing James," he said in a cold voice.

"I'm not. Angela was going to meet us as well. It wasn't a date. Just three friends getting together," I explained.

He didn't say anything in reply. We were yards apart but could have been touching from the intimate look he was giving me. Warmth spread through me as we continued to hold each other's gaze. A twitch of his hand brought my attention down, and I watched as he flexed his hand. It was as if he was trying to stop himself from touching something. I shuddered at the realization that it was me that he wanted to touch.

I allowed my eyes to roam over him. He was dressed similar to the first day I saw him with an unbuttoned, long sleeved shirt and a white t-shirt hugging his chest. It was unfair that Jasper could be so attractive with so little effort. Even his hair was a testament to beauty. Honey blond strands hung in wild disarray. It made me want to push them out of his eyes. Of course, that would require me to touch him, and right now, I knew that would be a very bad idea.

Jasper's rigid posture was in stark contrast to his casual appearance. He looked as if he was struggling to maintain tight control over himself. It made him look like a predator willing himself not to attack. The word dangerous played on repeat in my head. My brain, however, was in denial and left me unafraid. If anything, I wanted to ask him to please touch me. Please put an end to this tension that is starting to make me ache.

In answer to my silent prayers, he took a step towards me. I backed up in response and cursed my lack of control over my body. The last thing I wanted to do was put myself farther away from him, but my legs wouldn't cooperate. When he took another step, I backed up again. Jasper's response was to move faster in my direction. I took a few more steps back but was not fast enough. He reached me quickly and pulled me into his chest. There would be no escape now.

With his right hand, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and used it to pull my head back so that I was looking up at him. He had a hard, determined look in his eyes that sent a shiver through me. Before I could make a sound in protest, his mouth was on mine. It was a hard, punishing kiss that should have frightened me, but I was too lost to care. My legs buckled and his hold tightened. I moaned in response and began to kiss him back with equal measure. Our lips moved together in an uninhibited display of our need for one another, his with a demanding pressure and mine with a submissive need to let him control me. It was reckless and good. So, good.

Then suddenly, it ended as quickly as it had begun. With an abruptness that left me stumbling, Jasper pushed himself away from me. I put out my right hand and used a nearby fallen tree to catch my balance. When I glanced up, he was several feet away breathing hard. His eyes were not on mine, however. He was looking in the direction of where we had walked into the clearing.

Alice's familiar trilling laughter was accompanied by the deeper laugh of my brother. Comprehension flooded through me. My hands flew to my hair, and I ran my fingers through it trying to comb out some of the tangles. I then looked down and was relieved that my clothes were just where they should be. Shamefully, I realized that had we been given a little more time that might not have been the case.

I had been so lost in him that I would have gladly given him whatever he asked of me. With the spell broken, I was full of regret. Having the real world slowly advancing towards us in the form of Emmett and his friends, I was instantly reminded of Alice's words from the first day of school. Jasper had done just what she said he would do. He had lured me in before I even knew what was happening. My downfall was that I had expected him to flirt and charm me. Instead, he earned my trust in a grand, reckless gesture before putting us in a situation that would capitalize on our mutual attraction.

I won't say that he took advantage of me. If anything, we took advantage of each other. The desperate need we had for one another had been impossible to contain. In the future, I would have to insure that I was never alone with him. It would be the only thing that might save me. I had no doubt that if given the opportunity we would end up just as we had today. Something about us seemed inevitable. I feared that eventually we would come together, and it would be right and wrong in ways that made me shiver with anticipation.

Like a coward, I refused to let myself look over at him. I could feel his eyes on me, but I kept mine squarely ahead as I awaited the arrival of Emmett and the rest of the gang. All I could do was sit here and hope that I didn't look like someone who had just been kissed thoroughly.

Alice had given me a clear warning of what would happen if I became involved with Jasper. Emmett would not sit back and watch as his sister became a victim to his friend's need to amuse himself. It could lead to a collapse of a friendship that had helped heal my brother and a domino effect that would hurt everyone. I couldn't allow that to happen. If I did, I would be just like my mother. I may have loved her, but I could not deny that her willingness to give into her passions had led to the destruction of my family. Being with Jasper would turn me into Renee, and I wouldn't let that happen.

"Hey, guys. You should have told us that Senior Skip Day came early," Alice said with laughter as she walked out of the trees with the others close behind.

"We figured you guys would be smart enough to pick up on it when we didn't show up for lunch," Jasper offered as an excuse.

If his excuse sounded as weak to their ears as it did mine, we were screwed. Then it dawned on me, it wasn't an excuse, just words put out there to gauge the wind speed of a coming storm. Hurricane Emmett approached.

"Bells, you okay?" Emmett asked with suspicion in his eyes. He was watching me closely, and I had to start thinking of something fast. My story would need to be good if it was going to get me out of this mess.

I offered up what had to be the lamest answer possible. "Yeah, I got upset in Calculus, and Jasper was kind enough to whisk me away. He told me about this place and took me here to distract me."

The look of suspicion in his eyes remained as he came closer and joined me on the tree trunk that I didn't even notice I had sat down on. I cringed at the thought that the first real conversation we were going to have would be a web of lies. My eyes started to fill with tears brought on by my guilt. I brushed them aside quickly.

Seeing my tears, Emmett draped a heavy arm across my shoulders and pulled me closer. My guilt went into overdrive and more tears started to fall. I hated myself in that moment. I realized that I would take advantage of my tears and use them to convince my brother to believe my story.

"What got you so upset you had to leave class?" Emmett asked gently.

"It's so stupid, Emmett. I don't even want to talk about it," I answered.

"Tell me. I won't think its stupid."

I looked around and saw that everyone else was sitting down leaning against the tree trunks listening to our conversation. Rosalie and Alice were watching me with knowing eyes, and Edward looked bored by the whole thing. Jasper was looking at me like I was no more interesting than a rack of yard tools. The transformation from earlier was so complete that it was as if he had turned into a completely different person. If my words didn't convince Emmett, Jasper surely would with his superior acting skills. It gave me the confidence I needed to continue.

"Well you see, I was sitting there in class, and I noticed Mr. Varner's sweater. Do you remember that green sweater we bought mom for Christmas when we were eight?"

"The reindeer sweater," Emmett said with a laugh.

"Yeah, well Mr. Varner's sweater is the same green color, and it reminded me of that Christmas. Once I started thinking about it, I couldn't stop."

"Okay, but why were you staring at Jasper?" Emmett asked with doubt in his voice.

Emmett's question made Edward start laughing. I scowled at him, which only made him laugh louder. The idiot was going to ruin everything. I glanced over at Jasper and gave him a pleading look. He caught on quickly and threw a rock at his idiot friend. Edward choked back his laughter.

"Jasper was sitting one desk up and to the right. Since I was still mad at him, I used him as a distraction. I would rather be mad than sad," I explained carefully. I looked up into Emmett's eyes and tried to appear innocent.

"Jasper, you got anything you want to add?" Emmett asked.

My eyes shifted to look at Jasper who had a sinful smile on his face. My stomach twisted with fear. This couldn't be good.

"Yeah, I do have something to add," Jasper answered with a seductive drawl in his voice. "I brought your sister here to make out with her and am kind of pissed that you guys interrupted."


	6. Chapter 6 Slippery Slope

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 6 - Slippery Slope

I jumped up and ran at Jasper with a rush of anger overwhelming my senses. When I went to push him, he grabbed my arms and forced them down to my sides. I couldn't believe that he had ruined my carefully constructed lies. Okay, they weren't exactly carefully constructed, but they were working, which is all that mattered.

"You idiot," I yelled in fury.

He laughed in my face, and I saw red. I kicked him hard in the shin, which put an end to his amusement. His eyes narrowed with anger, and I wished suddenly that he would let go of my arms so I could punch him.

"Easy, Bella. Emmett knows I'm kidding," Jasper explained.

Laughter broke out around us. Everyone seemed to enjoy what was becoming a daily showing of the Jasper and Bella Hour. We provided lust, laughter, and violence. All that was needed was popcorn, and we could charge admission. It was all so ridiculous that I had to laugh. Seeing my change in attitude, Jasper let go of my arms. I used the opportunity to punch him lightly in the shoulder. This made Emmett grab me from behind and pull me back.

"Bells, don't hit him in his throwing arm. We're going to be needing it on Friday," Emmett said with a laugh.

Of course, he would be the quarterback. No other position made sense for Forks High School's resident golden boy. Some of what Jasper told me the day before now made more sense.

Emmett then informed me that he played tackle both ways and that Edward was a wide receiver and a cornerback. I was reminded of my conversation with James. He must have been talking about football as well. Outside of the quarterback position, my knowledge of football was pretty limited. I did notice one thing. Emmett, Edward, and James all had two positions they played.

I decided to ask about it and turned to Jasper. "Why does everyone else have two positions but you only play one?"

The guys all laughed at me again. Edward spoke up. "Jasper is just not a good enough player to handle two roles. We let him have quarterback because he cried."

More laughter rang out as Jasper ran at Edward and tackled him. It was funny to watch them play around. I was glad they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Edward looked like he needed to laugh more.

"So, are you guys any good?" I asked.

"We're the best, love," Jasper answered full of confidence.

I had no reason to doubt his words. It would actually explain a lot of what I had seen. Star athletes always seemed to be treated with kid gloves in the other schools I attended. It was pretty frustrating to watch as they were allowed to do pretty much as they pleased. Schools loved the recognition that came with having a successful team. They used the boys to fulfill their dreams of a championship and then tossed them aside when their reign was over. No one bothered to consider the consequences.

I looked at the three boys and felt sick for them. They had the world at their feet right now but would be forgotten the minute they were no longer of any use. I didn't want to think of the longterm ramifications of their being given no boundaries. It was like sitting near a train track and waiting for the wreck that you knew would be coming just around the corner. It was a sick joke, and I hoped that they were in on it. If so, then they would be fine. If not, then they were in for a rude awakening someday.

The whole thing made me look at them through new eyes. Edward seemed so lost, but I didn't doubt that Alice kept him grounded. Whatever his problems were, they weren't related to football. They ran much deeper, but I felt sure though that with Alice by his side he would come through just fine.

I knew better than to fear for Emmett. He could survive anything. History had already tested his resilience, and he passed with flying colors. In addition, he had Rosalie. She would see him through anything.

Jasper was a different story. He was either going to crash and burn or succeed beyond anyone's wildest dreams. There would be no middle ground with him. I feared for him the most but knew that I was the last person who could help him. The risks for him would increase exponentially with me in his life. The barriers between us were a mile high and mile wide. It made me sad. I just prayed that he was as in control as he liked to make everyone think. He would need to be.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Jasper asked breaking me out of my depressing train of thought.

"It's nothing. Don't worry about it," I answered with a sad smile. It was my biggest lie of the day. It was the biggest lie of my life. I wanted to save him, but he could only save himself.

* * *

The ride back to Forks was anything but quiet. Alice rode back with me while Jasper and Edward took the Volvo. Emmett and Rosalie took off in my brother's truck. Not a second after the doors were closed, Alice started in on me.

"Bella. Bella. Bella. You just don't learn do you," she said with disdain.

Wonderful. Alice flipped the switch over to bad guy, again. This should be a great ride home. I wondered briefly if she kept a shovel hidden somewhere on her person. It would make hiding my body so much easier. I would hate to be an inconvenience to her.

"Alice, it wasn't like that," I tried to explain weakly.

"Stop. I'm not Emmett. You can't lie to me, Bella. Besides, I was in class with you," Alice reminded me.

My shoulders slumped in defeat. She had me there. All my thoughts had been so focused on Jasper that I forgot Alice had been sitting right next to me. With her keen eyes, she would have seen me watching him and known the reasons why.

"If it weren't for our rules, Emmett wouldn't have believed you either," she added.

"Rules. What rules?"

Alice tapped her index finger on her lips before continuing. "Rule number one: that clearing belongs to all of us. It is the only place around here where we can guarantee people won't find us. No outsiders are allowed, which leads us into rule two. Jasper isn't allowed to bring his girls out there, and believe me he has plenty."

Her last words made my chest tighten. Of course, Jasper would have tons of girls just waiting for him to crook his finger in their direction. Working his way through the female population of Forks was probably how he spent his free time.

It was stupid to let such thoughts bother me. Jasper and I hadn't said more than a couple dozen words to each other. Heck, we hadn't even had a real conversation. I didn't know him, and he certainly didn't know me. Infatuation was a dangerous thing that led a person to think that they felt more than they really did. I was guilty of that like everyone else. This whole thing was just absurd.

"You don't have to worry. I understand what's going on, and I'll stay away from him," I told her honestly.

"I like you, Bella. It's too bad we won't get to be friends for awhile."

I understood what she meant. I couldn't be in their group. It would put me in too close a proximity to Jasper. Until I got over my little crush, I would have to keep my distance. It was sad because I really liked Alice when she was playing the good guy. I even liked her when she played the bad guy. Her motives were pure, and I couldn't blame her for wanting to preserve the bonds of friendship that were probably the center of her world.

We sat in silence for most of the rest of the ride into Forks. She planned on watching the guys at football practice so I offered to drop her off at the high school. When we pulled up, I expected her to get out immediately, but she stayed in the car to tell me one last thing before joining her friends.

"You are not as alone here as you think you are. It may not make any sense to you, but you are one of us even when you are not among us. If you need anything, all you have to do is ask. We will all be there for you. Oh, and don't worry about missing your classes today. You're as untouchable as we are now," Alice explained before leaving my car.

Where the first part of her statement left me feeling reassured, her last sentence left me cold. Alice wasn't as grounded in reality as I thought she was. No one is untouchable. I felt certain that tomorrow would prove that true.

* * *

The next day I walked up to the front of the school with a knot in my stomach. I had no clue as to what homework I would have been assigned the previous day. It was really only calculus and chemistry I needed to worry about since they were the only classes I missed that involved actual schoolwork. But, the thought of those two classes worried me. I had never been one to miss class and didn't know what to expect.

As I approached the buildings, I noticed a change in the way people were behaving around me. Several of them said hello and others nodded at me in acknowledgment. It was a drastic change from the previous day. People even moved aside as I walked through the crowd. It was like the parting of the Red Sea. One thing was for sure, I was no longer invisible like yesterday, and I didn't like it.

When I walked into English, I was practically attacked by a short girl with curly, brown hair. She introduced herself as Jessica and talked my ear off until the teacher began roll call. As soon as the bell rang to let us out of class, I tried to escape, but Jessica put herself directly in my path. She made sure to tell me that she would see me at lunch before leaving for her next class.

Government was the same. Alice chatted with me as we waited for class to start and again just before class was let out. The only change came when she walked with me to Calculus. I was relieved that she and I shared this next class. It was the one that was worrying me the most. I was sure that Mr. Varner would comment on my having left with Jasper the previous day. There was also the matter of my having failed to complete whatever homework he must have assigned.

When we walked in the class, I was greeted with a frown from James. Yesterday, I had bailed on the plans I had with him and Angela. I felt guilty about it, but the truth was I didn't want to go after my adventure skipping school. Angela understood after I explained what had happened, but I couldn't really offer the same explanation to James, which probably made him mad. His seeing me leaving school with Jasper certainly didn't help matters.

I looked around the room and saw that no one was even looking at me. It helped to relieve part of my worry, but I knew the real challenge would arrive in the form of Mr. Varner. I kept my head down and wished I could make myself smaller. If he couldn't see me, he couldn't say anything.

The class suddenly went quiet. Figuring it was the moment of reckoning, I had to force myself to look up. It was Jasper. I cursed my slow mind for not considering the awkwardness of seeing him again. His eyes were focused on me as he approached my desk.

"You forgot this at my house, love," he said as he dropped a folder on my desk. He then turned away and sat down at his desk.

I opened the folder with nervous hands. Inside was completed Calculus homework and what looked to be a Chemistry assignment. I was floored. All my worries dropped away in an instant. It was just like Alice described. When something went wrong, Jasper fixed it. I knew that no one would question the contents of the folder. The work would be accepted even though I didn't do it.

My mind struggled with the dilemma of claiming the work as my own. If I did, it would be cheating. Worse than cheating, I would be taking another step that put me dangerously close to the slippery slope that was Jasper Whitlock. Each step I took would make it harder to come back. On the other hand, I would receive a big fat zero for not having anything to turn in to the teacher. Not to mention, I hadn't turned in my homework from the previous day. I was looking at two zeros. It all came down to integrity. Would I allow myself to be corrupted?

A slamming door alerted me to the arrival of Mr. Varner. He took roll quickly and began his lecture. I made certain I paid close attention to everything he said. I did not want a repeat of yesterday's debacle. It pained me to see that he would not make even the slightest glance in my direction. I knew it was a result of Jasper's inexplicable influence. Even star athletes didn't hold the power that he seemed to wield. Something else was going on behind the scenes that I was missing.

With two minutes left in class, Mr. Varner asked us to hand in the previous day's assignment. As he walked through the room collecting each assignment, my heart plummeted. I grabbed the folder with the work in it and held it tightly. All I needed to do was take the paper out and hand it over. It was simple. I could do this. I watched as each student handed over their work. My desk was the last one he approached.

I looked up as Mr. Varner moved to my desk. He held his hand out, and I started to open the folder. With a sweaty hand, I reached in and pulled out the paper. He extended his arm and took a hold of the corner of this single sheet of paper. As I felt him take it from me, I looked up into his eyes. He looked so sad. He knew what I was doing but was going to let me. It was not just my honor in question but his own. Somehow I knew that this sad man had been forced to live out similar moments over and over. I hated myself in that moment but not as much as I hated Jasper Whitlock.

Before Mr. Varner could even blink, I snatched the paper back with a flourish. I was not going to give into this. I would not become one of them. My integrity was not going to be lost over a couple of zeros and a wicked boy who could tempt the devil. I refused to let someone fix my problems. Jasper was going to have to find someone else's strings to pull. Mine were now out of his reach.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Varner, but I was unable to complete the assignment. I am sure you understand why that is," I explained honestly.

"I would like to see you after class, Miss Swan," he replied simply before returning to his desk at the front of the room.

When he moved, I found myself staring directly into the eyes of my new nemesis. Jasper looked at me like I slapped him. My not turning in the paper was a very public rejection of what he offered. He knew it, and I knew it. If the shocked looks on the surrounding faces were any indication, the rest of the class knew it as well.

Jasper narrowed his eyes in anger, and I responded by tilting my chin up in defiance. My actions must have come as a complete surprise to him. It wasn't until after I had taken the paper back that I realized just how it would be construed. A normal person would not have cared, but Jasper took it as a challenge. I was standing against him and everything he represented. In no way would I blindly follow where he led.

The bell rang and everyone made their way out of class. Jasper was the last to leave. I wondered about Alice's response. My eyes had been so focused on him that I had completely forgotten her. She would no doubt be angry as well.

With everyone gone, I approached Mr. Varner's desk. I was no longer worried. My actions from before had left me ready to accept any consequences. Besides, Mr. Varner was the least of my worries now. All he could do was fail me. I wasn't exactly sure what Jasper could do.

"Miss Swan that was a very brave thing you did. If more students and teachers around here displayed your mettle, this school would be a far better place," he explained with eyes full of appreciation.

He looked very pleased with me. It wasn't the reaction I expected, but I sure wasn't going to complain. Truly, I needed all the help I could get. If he wanted to congratulate me on my newfound courage, who was I to stop him.

"This school has been run by those punks for too long. I can't wait to watch you run roughshod over them. You are really the only one that can do it. Emmett will grant you a level of protection no one else could enjoy. You've just made an old man very happy," he explained with satisfaction dripping from every word.

With a wave of his hand, he dismissed me from class. I turned away feeling shock and confusion. He seemed to think that I had declared some kind of war on Jasper and his friends. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I realized that that might be just what I had done. I fired the first shot in what could become a very interesting battle. I walked away feeling anxious. Just as I reached the door, Mr. Varner spoke up one last time.

"Miss Swan, tomorrow, I will be expecting you to turn in today's assignment as well as the previous two. This is a one time deal, but you have more than earned it."

I laughed as I walked away thinking that is was nice of him to offer a dying girl a cookie. It was weird to think that when I left this same class yesterday I was clearly on Team Jasper. Today when I left, I was on Team Mr. Varner. Tomorrow, I hoped to switch to Team Bella. It would serve me far better than any other side. At least I no longer had to worry about failing calculus. Now, I just had to worry about a whole slew of other problems.

The first of those problems presented itself in the form of a very disappointed Mrs. Cullen. The moment I walked into the library, she pulled me into her office. To say I was worried would be an understatement. I was frightened of this woman who was one of only two people in my world who cared about me. My leaving yesterday would not go unnoticed by her of all people.

I didn't know what to say as I sat in front of her. Mrs. Cullen didn't seem to know either, because for several minutes, she just sat behind her desk looking at me. With the sternest look on her face that I had ever seen, she left me too intimidated to even offer up an excuse.

Finally, she broke the silence. "I thought better of you, Bella. You not only left school, but you foolishly took off with a boy whose character you know nothing about. I cringe at the thought of what could have occurred had it been anyone other than a friend of your brother's. Most boys are good boys, but some are not. You need to develop some sense before you find yourself in a situation you can't get out of."

Her words shocked me. I expected her to be angry with me for skipping school, but instead, she lectures me on trusting boys. It made no sense.

I surprised myself by saying, "I think you're blowing this a little out of proportion."

At my words, Mrs. Cullen's eyes turned sharp with increased anger. She was extremely serious about what she was saying. She was too serious about what she was saying. Something was hidden just below the surface that could explain her reaction. I got my answer just moments later.

"Eighteen years ago, I would have thought the same thing. I made careless choices and was completely unaware of the darker side of human nature. The reward for my naivety was a week long visit in a hospital and an unwanted pregnancy," she explained with intense sadness in her eyes.

Mrs. Cullen's words left me stunned. I wasn't expecting this abrupt change in topic and knew that it wasn't a story she wanted to tell. But, it was a story she would tell, because she would do anything to prevent me from experiencing the same pain she experienced.

With a faraway look, she continued her story. "I went on a date with a boy from school. We shared a few classes, and I thought he was nice. I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say, he was not nice at all. Afterward, I found out I was pregnant. I could have ended the pregnancy, but I didn't. My parents were shamed by my decision and blamed me for what happened. I would have been lost if not for Carlisle. He was my best friend and was the only person who stood by me. We got married, and he claimed the child as his own."

"Edward," I said in a whisper.

"Yes," she said sadly. "You should know I never once regretted my decision. Once I decided to keep him, I wanted him and loved him. I was a hard decision, but the right one for me."

I didn't know what to say. Her words struck a cord in me. A person's life can change in an instant, and she was proof of that. I would never have guessed that this caring, gentle woman had suffered through such a terrible experience. My heart broke for the pain she must have suffered and the difficulty of the decision she was forced to make.

She finished off her story by telling me that she and Carlisle had explained things to Edward the previous year. He took the news very badly. In his eyes, his parents had betrayed him. Knowing the story helped to explain the haunted look in his eyes and his drinking. He was afraid that when he looked in the mirror a monster would stare back.

Mrs. Cullen then explained that Edward's friends were his only saving grace. They offered him the support he needed. He had even shown recent signs of forgiving them. She credited that to Alice and Jasper encouraging Edward to try to understand his parent's side of things. Mrs. Cullen was finally getting her son back after a year of watching him suffer. His drinking was still an issue, but it was something they would work through as well. Edward was on his way back home, and it was his friends who showed him the path.


	7. Chapter 7 Cheating

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 7 - Cheating

I left the library in a much different mood than when I arrived. Mrs. Cullen's story made me look at Jasper's clique in a new light. Without his group of friends to support him, Edward would be in much worse shape than he was.

An hour earlier, I had left calculus filled with righteous indignation. I firmly believed that Jasper and his friend's were awful people who took advantage of their influence and ruined the lives of those around them. I had decided that they all lacked character and based this decision on their willingness to cheat and manipulate others. An hour later I had made a complete turn around. They were loyal and honest people who showed each other kindness and understanding. Anyone would be crazy to not want to be their friend. I really needed to pick a side and stick with it, but I knew that by this time tomorrow my feelings would probably have changed again.

My mind was spinning from the inconsistencies in the behavior of this group. How could they be so good yet so bad? And who was I to judge them? I was no one. A no one who had absolutely zero right to criticize them. I wasn't perfect by any means. Why should I expect them to be?

As I walked into the cafeteria, I felt a huge weight on my shoulders. A weight I put there with my own feelings of self-importance. I had an absurd need to consider myself above others. I jumped on any weakness I saw in people and used it to make myself feel better. Most times it didn't matter, but today it did. I wanted Jasper to like me. I wanted a friend like him who would be a constant in my life. For the first time, I realized that what other people envied most about him and the others was their friendship. The bond between them appeared to be unbreakable. It was something that only the luckiest of us would ever find.

The noise of the cafeteria was thunderous and brought me out of my thoughts. I wondered at what could have happened to make everyone so rowdy. My answer came in the form of the curly haired ball of energy named Jessica. She ran up to me and greeted me like we were old friends.

"Bella," she shouted even though she was standing right next to me. "Oh my god, did you really turn down Jasper Whitlock after going off with him yesterday. Like, no one does that. He's a god."

"W-w-what," I sputtered in shock.

"Everybody's talking about it. He wants you, and you said no. I can't believe you threw your homework in his face. That's so cool," she continued in a rush.

Where the hell did this girl get her facts? She had to be wrong about everyone talking about this. A quick glance around the room confirmed her words. There wasn't a single face in the room that wasn't turned in my direction. This was really bad. I had to find out just what everyone was saying.

I led Jessica over to my table. My previous annoyance with her was completely forgotten in my need for information.

"Jessica, what are you talking about?" I asked.

"You and Jasper," she explained likeI was the idiot here and not her.

Obviously, I would have to talk slowly to get anything useful out of this girl. She clearly needed help getting to the point. I wished that Angela would hurry up and get here so she could help me make sense of the whole situation.

"Okay, I went off with Jasper yesterday. Right?" I asked to make sure she was following.

"Right," Jessica answered with childlike eagerness.

"The end," I said.

Her face fell in confusion. "What do 'ya mean?" she asked.

"We left school. We talked for a bit. I went home. He doesn't want me. I didn't turn him down. No homework was thrown. Nothing. That's it. End of story, " I explained in short bursts.

"Oh my god. You are such a good liar," Jessica responded with awe.

I put my head in my hands and groaned in frustration. This girl was beyond dumb. Why would I lie? What would be the purpose in it? This was all just stupid. I hated this school with its dumb kids and strange hierarchy.

"Oh, god. He just walked in," she exclaimed with excitement.

My head shot up, and I looked for him at the front of the cafeteria. Jasper stood there like an angry king surveying his kingdom. The room went quiet. His eyes searched the room and found mine in an instant. I flinched from the harsh look that he sent my way. It was the same look that he had given James that day at my house. Being on the receiving end left me scared. I had to get out of here.

I stood up so quickly my chair fell backwards. The noise it made was the only sound in the room and everyone turned their attention back to me. I watched as Jasper made his way across the room in my direction. Running would be embarrassing so I decided to hold my ground. Cowardice was yesterday's plan. Today I was operating on blind and stupid courage.

Next to me, Jessica's eyes were huge circles as she just kept repeating over and over again, "Oh my god. Oh, my god."

I wanted to kick her but figured I should reserve my energy for today's edition of the Jasper and Bella Hour. After all, twenty-four hours had passed, and we couldn't let a day go by without some kind of scene.

Jasper approached like a panther stalking his prey. He stride was confidant and smooth but with a hint of danger. His blues eyes were hooded and gave nothing away. I was mesmerized. Jasper angry was the hottest thing I had ever seen, and being the object of such intensity left me feeling hungry. I may have been his prey, but I wanted to be caught. I was dying to be caught. I hated that he could excite me so easily. Why did I have to feel this way every time I looked at him?

He stopped just inches from me, and my body automatically leaned into his. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. He smelled so good. Everything about him was just intoxicating, and I couldn't get enough. When he leaned down, I felt his warm breath on my neck and gasped. Raw need flooded my body, and I knew that I was as lost today as I was yesterday at the clearing. I looked up into his eyes and saw my attraction mirrored back at me. The connection we felt today was stronger than it had been at any point before. Time had only heightened the tension between us.

"We need to talk," Jasper whispered close to my ear.

His voice sent a tremor through me. Like that moment in Calculus, I was powerless to resist. He grabbed my hand and pulled me quickly out of the cafeteria. He walked through the school at a fast pace, and I rushed alongside him. We needed to get somewhere and fast.

Rather than go to my car he took me to the same unused classroom that Alice had brought me to on my first day of school. Unlike her, he locked the door behind us. The simple click sent a shot of awareness into my brain. It woke me up to what I was doing and where I was. I tried to move away, but his grip on my hand tightened.

"Where do you think you're going, Bella?" he asked softly.

Anywhere but here my mind answered. I had to get away from him. This was the exact wrong place to be with the exact wrong person. Nothing was right about this situation for him or me. I would never understand why I couldn't see these things until it was too late.

Jasper must have sensed my change in attitude because he dropped my hand and walked across the room. When he reached the far wall, he sat down and leaned back. His eyes were closed, and his breathing was uneven. I could have used this opportunity to leave, but I didn't. We needed to talk, and now with him across the room, it was as good a time as any.

I decided to start us off. There were things I needed him to know. "Thank you for giving me the folder with the homework. I know I didn't use it, but I appreciated the thought."

His eyes opened, and he looked at me with wonder. It was so different than every other look he had given me. I didn't know how to feel about it. It was as if Jasper was looking at me like I was a new species of animal. I was an unknown quantity to him. Something that went against all of his previously held beliefs.

"I don't understand you. You never do or say what I expect. Why can't you be like everyone else?" he asked.

"Why would I want to be like everyone else?"

"Well, it would make my life a hell of a lot easier. I would at least have some clue as to what you're thinking or what you're going to do next."

I smiled at his words. I liked the thought of being a mystery to the all powerful Jasper Whitlock. Maybe it would bring him down a peg or two.

I winked at him flirtatiously. "Isn't life more fun when it's a challenge?"

"I haven't had a challenge in so long that I wouldn't recognize one if it bit me on the ass," he commented wryly.

I rubbed my tongue over my bottom lip. "Uhmm, are you offering me a nibble?"

He laughed seductively. "There is nothing I would like better than to offer you a nibble and then take one for myself."

I just had to ask. "What do you think I would taste like?"

"I already know what you taste like." He reminded me with gleaming eyes.

This isn't the conversation I intended on having. Something about him just brought out the bad in me. The sexual imagery needed to stop if we were going to get anywhere.

"I'm sorry for what people are saying about us," I said changing the subject abruptly. "I don't know where these people get their information."

Jasper chuckled softly. "People can say what they want. It matters little." He then grinned at me before continuing. "And, I am positive that you will figure out their source." He finished that last sentence with a wink.

I melted. Again.

I just couldn't seem to think clearly when he was in the same room as me. With a grin and a wink, he turned me back into the silly, infatuated girl from before. I shook my head trying to clear it.

Use your brain, Bella, I told myself. Ignore the blond god with the ocean eyes. _Oh, his eyes are so pretty._ The thought made me groan in defeat. What is wrong with me? I had to gain some control.

I threw a random question out. "How long has Emmett and Rosalie been a couple?"

"Three years or so I guess. Why?" he answered with a frown.

"It's just weird that in all the times I talked to him he never mentioned her. For that matter, he never mentioned any of you."

"You say that like you spent so much time talking to him when I know for a fact that you didn't," Jasper angrily replied. The playfulness from before was completely wiped away.

"Rosalie implied the same thing, and it's just not true. I called Emmett a few times a week for the last four years. Sure, our conversations were mostly short, but I never stopped talking to him."

Jasper had no reply to that. The subject was a sore one, and I decided to change it before we got into an argument. If I wouldn't confront Emmett about it, why would I discuss it with Jasper?

I moved the topic back to calculus. "Were you mad when I didn't turn in the paper you gave me?"

"No, I was mad because I couldn't figure out why you didn't turn it in. It made no sense to me, and it still doesn't."

"I just don't like the thought of cheating," I answered honestly. "It's wrong."

Jasper shook his head. "There's a lot wrong in this world. Cheating should be the least of your worries."

I needed him to understand how I felt about this. For some reason, it was imperative that I get my point across. "When a person cheats, nothing they gain really belongs to them. I prefer to know that everything I have, I earned."

Jasper shot me a penetrating look. "What if a person cheats so that they can't claim what they are given?"

His question held the answers I sought. All of his behavior was a slap in the face to the people who were using him. The school cheated him so he would cheat it. He wanted to be able to say that he gave the school more than it ever gave him. It made me sad that he felt the need to fight against a system that should have been looking after him but instead treated him like a commodity.

While his question provided me with answers, it was also a question inside of a question. He needed to know if I understood his motives. He needed to know if I could accept him for who he was. I had to be very careful with my answer. The next few minutes held the potential to change us both.

I walked across the room and sat down next to him. Jasper put an arm around me and pulled me into his side. I laid my head down on his shoulder.

"I think a person who does that must have a very good reason for doing so. But, I think there are other ways to accomplish their goals." I hoped he could see that my answer was heartfelt. I needed him to know that I didn't think less of him.

He squeezed my shoulder in response. "What way would you suggest?"

I sat up and turned towards him. I wanted to send him a message that rang loud and clear. There was no room for confusion. My words would be simple but full of meaning.

"Defy their expectations, just like you do mine."

Hope flashed in his eyes. I was in more danger from that look than any other he had ever given me. My words had changed something between us. We were no longer just two people who shared a powerful attraction, but you couldn't call us friends either. Our bond went beyond friendship. I knew of no word that I could use to describe exactly what we had just become to one another.

I leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. Jasper closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them, I gave him a small smile. He pulled me to his side and draped his arm around me again. I laid my head on his shoulder like before. Nothing had ever felt more right than sitting here with him in this classroom.

We sat in silence until the bell rang announcing the end of lunch. Neither of us wanted to leave this room and the bubble that it had helped form around us. Here we were protected from the influences of the world. Here we were Jasper and Bella, two people who seemed to have an intrinsic understanding of one another. We would change with the opening of the door just like we changed when I dropped him off at his house two days ago. I didn't want to change, and I didn't want him to change either.

* * *

I left first and made my way to Chemistry. As I walked by the people in the halls, I was greeted with the same stares and whispers from my first day. This time I didn't care. Jasper was right about the gossip mattering little. In truth, it didn't matter at all, not to me anyway.

When I entered Chemistry, I saw that Edward was already there. As I joined him at our shared table, I noted that his appearance was much improved today. Gone was the bloodshot eyes and haphazard dress. He was well put together, and it highlighted his good looks. Serious student was a much better look for him than drunken youth. For the first time, I could see how this boy could be Mrs. Cullen's son.

Edward looked over at me and smiled in greeting. I smiled back and took my seat. We didn't chat. He actually seemed a little distracted. His back was stiff, and he glanced around nervously. Every opening of the door caught his attention. It looked as if he were waiting for someone.

The second bell rang, and I sat waiting for class to start. My nerves started to pick up as I remembered that I wasn't going to have an assignment to turn in today. It made little sense to take a stand in Calculus and not continue to do so here.

The minutes ticked by slowly, and Mr. Banner failed to show. As more time passed, Edward visibly relaxed. It made me suspicious. He had something to do with Mr. Banner's absence.

I turned to ask him what was going on but stopped when the door suddenly opened. The receptionist from the office walked up to the front of the class. She explained that Mr. Banner had to leave suddenly and would not return until tomorrow. We were to read our books and review the material we covered the previous day. Any homework we had from yesterday could be turned in the next day.

As she explained the last part, Edward slid me a folder. My guard went up instantly. I opened it and was surprised to discover the same Chemistry assignment as the folder Jasper gave me. Only this time, the lines were blank. I looked up at Edward who had a shit-eating grin on his face.

Those cheeky bastards. They had somehow managed to get Mr. Banner out of school. Then, they had the nerve to give me a blank paper so that I wouldn't be cheating. They wanted me to know that this was their doing. If I didn't accept their help one way, I would accept it another way. I knew this was all Jasper's doing.

I glared at Edward. "I hate you guys."

He laughed loudly drawing the attention of the whole class. With eyes full of mischief, he leaned over and whispered, "No you don't."

"How did you do it?" I asked quietly.

He looked around to check for eavesdroppers before continuing in a whisper, "Easy. We set up a distraction. A couple of us left school and broke into his house. A 'concerned' neighbor called the police and reported it. Mr. Banner had to go home to check for anything stolen or damaged, of which he will find nothing."

I was in shock. "You have got to be kidding me. What is wrong with you guys?"

"What? It was all in good fun." Edward looked so satisfied with himself. Like he hadn't just admitted to breaking and entering to keep me from getting a zero in class.

Then, it hit me. He said distraction. My mind flashed to the sudden gossip about Jasper and me. The way he had pulled me out of the cafeteria, which probably set off even more gossip. I thought over our conversation in the classroom and remembered his sly wink when he said I would figure out the source of the gossip. It infuriated me when I realized that while I had thought we were bonding he sat there, smug as a bug, thinking about his little plan. Jasper Whitlock was the biggest jerk on the planet.

"I'm going to kill him," I promised.

Edward laughed again. "Now, Bella. You started this little war."

His words provided the confirmation I needed. It was all a game. Nothing Jasper and I said to each other meant anything. It was all just part of some bigger plan to manipulate me. Jasper had probably been laughing at me the whole time. It made me feel stupid. It made me feel like I had been used. It hurt my feelings. Worst of all, it wounded my heart.


	8. Chapter 8 Study Hall

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 8 - Study Hall

I walked into study hall feeling like a shadow of myself. I was there but not really. I cracked my calculus book open and started working on the two days of work that I had to get done. I planned on keeping my head down and ignoring everyone.

My plan went awry almost immediately. James took the desk in front of me and turned around to talk. I had forgotten about him and now wished that I had taken a different seat. It probably wouldn't have mattered. He would have just switched to a different place as well.

"I missed you yesterday," James said referring to our plans and his being alone in Study Hall.

I closed my book and set my work aside. I was going to talk to this boy and everyone else was going to have to just get over it. "Yeah, yesterday was a bad day, and today isn't much better."

"Sorry to hear that. But, you know what they say about the company you keep," James said in a not so subtle dig.

A puckered my lips in a sign of distaste. "Exactly. I need to find much better friends."

"Well, if you're taking volunteers," he offered slyly.

"I don't know if you meet all the requirements needed to fill the position," I replied with a sharp laugh.

James grinned like a rogue. "Try me."

"Do you skip class and lie with abandon?" I asked seriously.

"Nope."

"That's too bad," I responded gravely before giving him my most innocent look and asking, "Do the peasants throw gold coins at your feet in supplication?"

James burst out laughing. I could tell that my mocking of Jasper and his friends had earned me back a few extra points in his book. Here was a guy who was tired of watching the few override the many. It was refreshing to see that someone in this school didn't bow down to the whims of that unruly group.

"I much prefer rose petals. They hurt less when people throw them at you," he answered with a chuckle.

A slamming of the door announced that we were no longer alone. Jasper walked in with his usual swagger but stopped short when he saw me laughing with James. My laughter stopped abruptly upon his arrival. Nothing seemed the least bit humorous with him here. Judging from the angry look on his face, Jasper wasn't amused either. He quickly hid whatever he was feeling and switched to casual disinterest before taking a seat in the same desk as the first day.

It hurt to think that just a little over an hour ago I had sat with him in an empty classroom feeling so right with him by my side. Jasper had let me see a little piece of who he was, but it was all just part of keeping me busy while his friends carried out his little scheme. It was easier to look over the last part. The first part, however, teased me. I wanted to see more of those little pieces of him. He seemed to say so much despite speaking so little, or maybe I just gave him more credit than he deserved.

When I asked him to defy the expectations of others just as he did mine, my statement was based off of a question he asked and assumptions I made after hearing it. Maybe, he wasn't the person I thought he was. Maybe, Jasper was the person everyone else saw. If so, it was a sad waste of so much potential.

I gave James a sad smile and returned to my calculus homework. I didn't want to talk anymore now that Jasper was here. Any words I might have said were lost.

Emmett and the others arrived a few short minutes later. They seemed immune to the atmosphere in the room. I listened as they laughed and joked with one another. Jasper joined in after a bit. I knew they were gloating over the day's events. Their amusement at my expense increased my hurt from earlier.

Not only was Jasper playing a mean game, but my brother was going along with it. Any inclinations I had to repair our relationship left me. Emmett lied to his friends about me, and now he was letting them use me as a player in their little pranks. I had thought that time could fix the problems between us, but I was wrong. The only hope we had was communication, and I didn't want to talk to him. Why should I when he cared so little for me? The simple truth was that I was starting to think he wasn't worth the effort.

The next hour went by quicker than I expected. I managed to get through my calculus homework in record time and moved onto chemistry. All of my attention was on work as I tried to ignore the laughter filling the room. I was so focused that when the bell rang I jumped.

I walked out of the room and headed towards the gym. Alice caught up to me quickly with Rosalie hot on her heels. I wasn't happy to see them. My anger over Chemistry was still fresh in my mind.

"What do you want, Alice? Was the last hour not enough gloating for you? Trust me, the laughter at my expense was more than enough to get your point across."

She ignored my questions and the hurt in my voice. Alice was just as chipper as her good girl personality usually was. It was annoying.

"Just walking my little buddy to class," Alice responded in an ironic twist. She was easily the shortest person in our class.

I smirked at her. "Funny. Does this make me the Gilligan to your Skipper? Personally, I would have pegged you for Mary Ann."

Rosalie snorted behind me. I turned to look at her and asked, "Ginger, you mind moving up here with us. I don't like the thought of you walking behind me."

"Just so you know, stab wounds can be just as fatal from the side. It's all in the technique you use," Rosalie commented with open hostility.

Nice. The girl who hated me the most was familiar with fatal knife wounds. How lucky am I? Better yet, how stupid am I? My next comment was another irrational poking of the Barbie Bear.

"So, do you prefer a fixed blade or a folding knife?" I asked in a goading tone.

Rosalie's eyes flashed with appreciation. I don't know if it was from finally having someone who stood up to her or the implied knowledge in my question. Either way, she answered.

"You can't overlook the ease with which you can conceal a folding knife, but they lack the strength of a fixed blade. Which is to say, my preference is relative to what I plan on doing."

It was really too bad she hated me, because I could seriously love this girl. She wasn't your typical blond Barbie, and I liked that. Beyond that, her bark had bite. She wouldn't take anything off of anyone. My brother couldn't have found a girl more compatible with him. They were both wonderful and awful at the same time.

* * *

The afternoon flew by in a flash. Athletics was a nightmare of badminton rackets and head injuries, none of which were mine. Though, I did kind of cause the damage with my alarming clumsiness. Fortunately, Coach Clair took pity on the others and allowed me to sit out most of the class. Angela joined me a few minutes later when she proved herself to be just as clumsy as me.

I filled her in on everything that had happened since seeing her earlier in the day. She sat with her mouth open in shock as I explained how Jasper's and his friends broke into Mr. Banner's house.

"You're kidding," she gasped.

"No, I'm not."

Angela gave me an encouraging smile. "At least, you didn't cheat. I'm proud of you. Surprised, but proud. I don't know if I could have thrown Jasper's help in his face like that. It had to have made him mad."

"I think it just made him determined to find a way around my refusal to cheat. Who breaks into someone's house to make a point? That's all it was to him. Jasper wanted to prove that if I didn't accept his help one way, he would make me accept it another. The nerve of that guy infuriates me," I explained forcefully while banging my right fist into my left palm.

"Ease up, Bella. I know you're mad, but you're starting to look a little rabid."

I looked at her and frowned. "You don't understand. I was completely convinced that he was this nice misunderstood guy. Jasper had me completely fooled. He acted all sensitive two days ago when he came to see. Yesterday, he saves me in Calculus class, but today took the cake. Today, he had me thinking we were bonding when he was just using me as a distraction for his grand plan. I feel like an idiot."

"You're not an idiot. I can understand how you're feeling, but I think you're wrong about him. I don't think he was pretending with you. I think he really likes you and doesn't know what to do about it," Angela explained carefully.

Her words didn't make me feel better. If anything, they made me feel worse. Not because I didn't believed them, but because I didn't want her to be right. I didn't want him to like me. Jasper brought too many complications with him that I didn't need. I could really start to care for him and knew that it would only hurt me in the end. He was a brand of trouble I couldn't handle.

When the bell rang, we said our goodbyes. After leaving the gym, I made my way slowly through the school heading to the parking lot. I was looking forward to going home and being alone. The drama from the day had left me exhausted. I was now more of a subject of gossip than ever. I meet an annoying chatterbox by the name of Jessica, and finally, I was conned by Jasper Whitlock. The last thing trumped everything else.

I was now determined to ignore him at all cost. He was too clever and charming for his own good. With him, I would never know where I stood. I would always be wondering if he was manipulating me. I would never know if what he said was sincere. Jasper was an enigma to me and would just have to remain so.

* * *

The week went by in a blur. Fortunately, they lacked the drama of my first three days. I put all of my energy into ignoring the blond pain in my butt and focused on school.

Jessica lost interest in me when it became clear that she wouldn't get any gossip out of me about Jasper and his friends. I was only valuable to her if I could improve her social standing. It was a relief not to hear her constant chatter in my ear.

I was now on the right track in all my classes. Mr. Banner accepted my chemistry homework without a second of hesitation. I felt guilty about taking advantage of his having left on Wednesday, but I couldn't very well say anything without implicating Emmett in the scheme. I may have been hurt by his actions, but I didn't want him to get in trouble. My sense of family loyalty never seemed to die, but in this case, it probably should have.

James kept his distance for the most part. He would stop by my table at lunch before joining his own friends. During Study Hall, we would talk for the first few minutes of class, but our conversations always came to a halt when the others would arrive.

My relationship with Emmett was mostly the same. We had yet to sit down and have a real conversation, but he would at least acknowledge me now. My anger at him was slowly dissipating, but I still lacked the urge to work things out. He was so unapproachable, and I was too much of a coward. I was, however, curious about what he did with his time. He was hardly ever at home and would occasionally not even come home at all. There were several mornings I would wake up and find that my brother had been out all night. Charlie never said anything about it. Of course, he never said anything to me at all so it wasn't exactly a shock.

Edward and Rose started treating me like a pariah. Edward ignored me except for the few times he was reminded of my existence, which caused him to glare at me. Rosalie kept sending snippy little comments my way that I ignored for the most part. Having her dislike me was fine, but I couldn't help but feel disappointed in Edward. He was not the person he pretended to be with this group. How could he be when he was raised by such kind parents? I knew that inside of him was someone better, but he seemed disinclined to let that person shine.

Alice took a different approach than the others. She made a point of checking in with me. Our conversations felt like a checklist she ran through to reassure herself that I was staying out of trouble. As long as I limited my contact with James and Jasper, she was satisfied. I found her interference annoying. Who was she to declare who I could be friends with and who I couldn't? It made me start to question her motives.

What did it matter to her if I was friends with James? I could understand the Jasper issue, but I had yet to hear one thing that would explain why James was off-limits. I had even asked Angela, but she knew of nothing that would cause the group to have such a poor opinion of him. I should have asked Emmett, but I was too much of a chicken shit to initiate a conversation with him. I would just have to ask James.

Jasper couldn't decide how to treat me. He never talked to me but would spend half of his lunch staring at me. It was frustrating and exhilarating at the same time. The awareness between us only increased. I knew the minute he stepped into a room. I felt the second his eyes were on me.

My day didn't officially start until I saw him. It was as if I existed in a fog until Jasper would make an appearance. Where before I had to wait until Calculus to see him, he started appearing earlier and earlier in my day. It began as random meetings in the hall between first and second period. Then, it turned into casual sightings before school where he would be hanging around outside until I drove into the parking lot. As soon as we made eye contact, he would disappear into the sea of students who always seemed to surround him.

Part of me was glad for the distance he maintained between us. It was much easier to feign disinterest when I didn't have to talk to him. Another part of me was left feeling deprived by his missing company. A painful hole was starting to grow in my chest from the lack of contact between us. Every day it grew in size and would only stop hurting in the few moments that I saw him. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep myself from talking to him or touching him. Jasper was quickly becoming the center of my world, and I hated him for it.

* * *

My weeks would probably have continued in much the same way if I hadn't talked to James about football. It began on a day when Jasper and his friends left school after second period. This was their first time skipping since that second day of school. James took advantage of it throughout the remainder of the day.

He walked me to each of my classes and spent all of fourth period in the library with me. When lunch came around, he sat at my table instead of joining his friends, but it was during Study Hall that James and I really got to chat.

Our conversation started with a discussion on football. I knew that it was important to Emmett and hoped to find out more about my brother, even if it was through a source he didn't approve of.

"So, your second game is this Friday. Are you excited?" I asked.

James perked up at the mention of football. "Yeah, we've all been working hard. This week we have a stronger opponent so it should be more of a challenge."

"What position do you play? I know you told me once, but I don't remember."

"Linebacker and fullback."

James didn't strike me as the football type so I was kind of curious as to what exactly he did. "And what do they do?"

"As the strongside linebacker, my main job is to stop the run but things vary depending on the play called. As fullback, I block for the quarterback and the running back. I also run the ball."

"Sounds like you hit people a lot," I observed.

James smiled at my comment. "I do."

"Emmett told me what position he played, but I don't remember what it was." I mentioned hoping he wouldn't mind.

"He plays tackle on both sides. Defensively, he helps clog up the middle so the run is forced to the outside. On offense, he plays right tackle and blocks the run. We kind of work together. Without him, I wouldn't be able to do my job."

"How do you manage to play together if you dislike each other so much?" I asked.

James shrugged his shoulders. "It's different on the field. Any animosity we have is put aside so that we can achieve our goal. We understand that we need each other to be successful. Besides, I don't really have much of a problem with Emmett. Jasper is the one that I can't stand. He roams these halls like they are his own personal kingdom."

The Jasper/James conflict was not a surprise. One had been handed the world and didn't appreciate it. The other worked hard and existed completely in the background.

James interrupted my thoughts. "You should come to the game. I bet you would be surprised by how well we all work together, and I know Emmett would love for you to come."

I thought back on the strife that existed between him and Emmett's group of friends. I couldn't come up with one good reason why they didn't like him. I hadn't gotten any kind of weird vibe from the guy, at least not since the first day of school. James seemed nice and well mannered. He was certainly easy to talk to.

I finally asked the question that I really wanted answered. "So, why does Emmett not like you?"

He didn't say anything for several seconds. It was like he was trying to think of an answer. You wouldn't think it would be too complicated. It wasn't like I asked him anything he didn't know.

"I think he's just jealous. Several years ago, I started spending a lot of time with Charlie. I would come over to the house, and we would watch whatever game was playing. Sometimes, we would go fishing. He treated me like a son. Emmett was spending most of his time with his friends and was hardly around. Charlie enjoyed the company, and I enjoyed having a father figure. Emmett was okay with it at first but then suddenly had a problem with it. It eventually got uncomfortable to visit, so I stopped coming to the house."

"How did you meet Charlie?" I asked noticing that he had glossed over that part.

"I got into some trouble after he first moved to town. Charlie kind of took me under his wing and helped me out. My dad had left home so it was just my mom and me," James explained.

"Do you still get to see Charlie?"

"Yeah, he comes to watch our practices a few times a week. I usually talk to him afterwards," he answered with a smile. "That's the only time I see him now. He's a nice guy. I miss him."

I didn't really agree with the nice guy part, but I guess Charlie could be nice if he ever bothered to speak to you. It's pretty bad when your father is more interested in other kid's lives than his own daughter's.

"What did you get into trouble for?" I asked.

James ducked his head, and I saw that his face had suddenly turned bright red. "I was accused of something I didn't do. If it wasn't for your dad, the situation would have been worse. If you don't mind, I would rather not talk about it."

Somehow, I knew that he was telling me the truth. Whatever it was that he had gotten into trouble for, he was innocent. I immediately felt bad for him. It was obvious that the problem was a source of embarrassment for him.

"So, do you mind if I ask you some questions?" James asked with hesitation in his voice.

I looked up at him warily. "No, go ahead," I answered with a cringe.

I knew that he was trying to change the subject, but I also didn't really want to answer any questions, which was unfair considering what all he had just told me.

He laughed at my nervousness. "I'm not the dentist, Bella. You can relax. If there's something you don't want to answer, I won't make you."

I rolled my eyes at him and smiled. "Fine."

"Here, I'll give you an easy one. What's your favorite class?"

"Calculus," I answered without thinking.

James looked surprised. To be honest, I was too. I hated math, but it was the only class besides Study Hall that I shared with Jasper. It was frustrating to realize that I was so stuck on him that he could make me enjoy Calculus. I had to be the most pathetic person on the planet. I really needed to find something to get me over this obsession.

"Favorite kind of movie?" he asked continuing the questions.

I thought for a second and came up empty. "It really depends on my mood."

He smiled at me shyly. "What mood do you think you will be in this Saturday?"

"W-what?" I asked in a stutter.

James groaned in frustration. "Come on, Bella. You're a smart girl. Do you want to go see a movie with me on Saturday?"

I blushed wildly. I had been hoping that I misunderstood his question, but there was no denying it now. "I don't know, James. It's complicated. Emmett doesn't really like you, and he's just now starting to talk to me again. If I go out with you, I think it would really set us back."

He gave me a serious look before answering. "Look, Bella. Forget about Emmett and his friends. Forget about anything in your past that is holding you back. Focus on you for a minute. What do you want to do? If you don't want to go out with me, that's fine, but don't say no for any other reason than that. Don't let other people run you life."

This made it so much more difficult to answer. I wanted too many things that contradicted each other. I wanted to make Emmett happy, but he didn't seem to care whether I was happy. My brother wasn't my only issue. Heck, he was barely a blip on my radar. My biggest problem was that my brain kept telling me to forget about Jasper, but my heart kept saying his name.

That decided it. "Yes, I'd like to go to a movie with you on Saturday."


	9. Chapter 9 Football Friday

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 9 - Football Friday

Drama returned to my life on Friday. It was two days after I agreed to a date with James. There was an unspoken agreement between us that we would not mention it to anyone. I didn't want to hear anything from Emmett or Alice, and James didn't want me to have any reason to change my mind. He returned to sitting with his friends and only spoke to me a little in Study Hall. I thought we were being pretty sly, but I was wrong. James was now watching me as much as Jasper, and the little pixie picked up on it.

Alice and Rosalie cornered me after school on Friday, and Alice immediately bombarded me with questions. "What's going on with you and James? Has he been bothering you? Why is he staring at you? Did something happen while we were out on Wednesday? Are you sneaking around?"

After two weeks of her checking up on me but offering little else in the way of friendship, I was pissed. My patience lasted about five seconds before I blew my top. I shouted the answers in her face. "Nothing. No. I don't know. No. And, no."

In the face of my sudden anger, Alice backed up. I could tell that she was not accustomed to people losing their temper with her. Maybe if a few more people did, she wouldn't be such a little dictator.

Rosalie automatically stepped up to defend her friend. "Don't yell at her," she said in a threatening tone.

She moved towards me in one big step. It instantly set off my temper. We were inches apart, and neither of us were interested in backing down. I was tired of her attitude, and she was looking for any reason to fight with me.

Alice stepped between us and pushed us apart. "Rose, stop it. Bella didn't mean to yell at me."

Yeah I did, but I wasn't interested in Alice anymore. My focus was entirely on Rosalie. It would be stupid to goad her. This girl was so pissed off all the time that messing up her hair would no doubt send her into a blind rage. I also knew in the back of my head that with my clumsiness I was more apt to kick my own ass, but I wasn't going to let her know that.

"What are you going to do, Rosalie? Is Barbie Bear going to eat me? Because she can sure bite me?"

She looked at me with hate. "Oh, I'll do a lot more than bite you," Rosalie promised.

I loathed this girl. "I'm new at this, but isn't this where you start trying to kick my ass?"

Rosalie and I stepped around Alice and came at each other. We didn't get far. A big wall of a person stepped between us, and I was grabbed from behind by someone much stronger than me. I clawed at their arms and yelled at them, but they would not release me.

A familiar voice whispered in my ear, "Bella, calm down."

It was Jasper. The realization only made me fight harder. It didn't work. He forced my arms down to my sides and held me still. I wanted to kill him.

Emmett had a similar hold on Rosalie who actually looked relatively calm. He was whispering things in her ear, and she was visibly relaxing. How could this be the same girl who seconds ago was at my throat? It had to be medication. No normal person had mood swings that severe, but then again, it was probably just the benefit of being held by someone she loved.

My feelings for Jasper were so far from love at this point that he couldn't have calmed me down with a tranquilizer.

Emmett finally released Rosalie and turned to look at me. "What the hell is going on?"

I ignored him.

"Rose," he asked turning towards his girlfriend.

She rolled her eyes and answered, "Bella yelled at Alice."

"And?"

"That's it," Rosalie answered sheepishly.

Emmett's face turned beet red. "Bullshit."

"I swear. That's all that happened. I just lost my temper. You know how I am," Rosalie admitted.

"Bella," he asked turning back to look at me.

I looked at Emmett coldly. "I'm not saying anything until Jasper let's go of me."

Jasper released me so quickly I stumbled. He grabbed at my arms to steady me, but I slapped away his help. Once I was stabilized, I moved several feet away from him and the others. I needed the distance. Being with these people brought out the worst in me. I looked around at all of them. Alice and Edward were holding hands and standing next to Rosalie who now looked bored with everything around her. Emmett stood with his arms folded across chest glaring at me, and Jasper was watching me with cold eyes.

"So, talk," Emmett ordered bringing my attention back to him.

I narrowed my eyes at his command. I hated being ordered around. Why should I tell him anything? He wasn't exactly forthcoming about anything I wanted to know.

"You're not leaving until I get an answer," he growled.

I was tempted to challenge that statement, but I knew he meant every word. I decided to stop prolonging the inevitable and just explain. It would at least get me away from these people. "I yelled at Alice. Rosalie told me not to, and I goaded her into a fight."

Emmett paused for a second. "You started this," he asked with shock in his voice.

"Yeah, I did."

"Why?" Emmett questioned.

I decided to just tell him the truth. I had nothing to lose. "Because I'm tired of all of you, and it's making me crazy. Emmett, you talk to me, but then you ignore me. Alice tries to manage my life but without the benefit of being my friend. Edward looks at me like I killed his dog, and Rosalie snaps at me anytime I am within five feet of her. And Jasper just pisses me off by being Jasper."

No one said anything for several minutes. I was hoping for an explanation or an apology but got neither. I decided I was done with these people.

I took turns looking at each one of them. They all peered back at me with blank looks on their faces except for Jasper who wouldn't meet my eyes. Who were these people that they could be so cold to me?

I shook my head in disgust. "I don't know what I did to you people to make you all dislike me so much. Whatever it is I am sorry, but from now on, just leave me alone. I've had a bad enough year without all of you playing your little games. Don't look at me. Don't talk to me. Just pretend I don't exist."

With that said, I turned around and walked away.

* * *

Friday night football. This was my first time attending a game, and I was excited. The game hadn't started, and the boys were not on the field yet. Angela sat next to me, and she was explaining the game to me. She was surprisingly knowledgeable about the subject.

When our team came out on the field, our side of the stands stood up and began cheering loudly. It was uplifting to see them show so much support for the team. I searched for Emmett. He was easy to spot since he was the tallest player on the team. Now that the game was starting soon, I was getting nervous. Thoughts of him and the others getting hurt ran through my head and made my stomach twist. I may have been mad at them, but I was still worried sick.

As the players walked onto the field, I spotted Edward and James but no Jasper. I glanced through everyone again but still didn't see him. As I was looking, I absently noted that the cheers died down, and everyone stood silent.

"Angela, where's Jasper?" I asked.

"Oh, he comes out last. His dad makes him follow everyone else out," Angela explained.

"Who's his dad, and why does he make him come out last?"

She looked at me in surprise. "Mr. Whitlock is the superintendent of the school. How do you think Jasper gets away with so much? As long as he leads the team to victory, his dad lets him do what he wants."

Angela then pointed in the direction the other players had just come from. "Here he comes. Now you'll find out why he's last."

Jasper was walking with his helmet in his hand and had his head hung low. He hated this. I could feel it. It embarrassed him to not come out with his team. The only person with him was someone who looked like one of the coaches.

When he passed through the open gate of the fence that surrounded the field, our stands erupted into cheers and screams. Feet started stomping and the stands shook. If possible, his head hung lower. He was dying inside.

As he reached the other players, the noise died down. It was a relief. I watched as Edward and Emmett came up to him and tried to talk to him. After a few minutes, Jasper seemed to relax, but he never once smiled. I had not until this moment considered the pressure he was under, but it glared at me now. This school put the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it was wrong.

Angela spoke up when she saw where my eyes were focused. "It's so sweet that Jasper prays while he's on the way to the field."

I couldn't believe that she thought he was praying. How could these people be so clueless? Even Angela didn't see his pain. The people in the stands surely couldn't see it, or they wouldn't have cheered. It was disturbing.

Everyone finally started sitting down, and Angela and I joined them. My eyes were glued to Jasper as they so often were. He seemed to be loosening up and was talking to all of his teammates. Their reactions showed the respect they had for him. They all listened to his words with such concentration. I even saw him talk to James. You would never guess that off the field these two guys hated each other. Jasper treated him the same as everyone else, and James followed suit.

Watching him tonight was like finding another piece of the puzzle that was Jasper Whitlock. I found a couple of pieces two weeks ago and would like nothing more than to find some more. I was in serious trouble. My feelings for this guy change from one second to the next. A few hours ago, I was sure that I hated him, but I was now back to leading his fan club. The constant flip-flop was killing me. I really needed to get a handle on my emotions before I went crazy.

After talking to his teammates, Jasper looked up into the crowd. I followed his eyes and saw that he was looking at Rosalie and Alice. They were waving at him like crazy and cheering. He nodded in response before turning his attention to one of the coaches. While they were talking, his head suddenly snapped up. He turned slightly and looked directly at me.

My breath caught in the back of my throat. I exhaled slowly, and then gave him a small smile. For the first time that night, Jasper smiled as well. His lips formed my name, and I instantly felt myself relax. All of the anger I had felt for him melted away. I mouthed, _Be safe_. In response, he said, _I will_. We maintained our eye contact until someone tugged at his jersey to get his attention. He gave me one last smile before turning away. It was time for him to go to work.

The game took forever. Every play seemed to take an hour. My eyes danced from player to player with my main focus being on Emmett and Jasper. I flinched every time one of them got hit or hit someone else. I was in agony. How anyone could consider this entertainment was beyond me? Maybe if I wasn't so scared for them, it would be different.

The game was actually pretty good according to Angela. We were only up by 7 points and still had one quarter to go. A costly fumble at the beginning of the fourth quarter tied the game up. Soon though, things took a turn for the better when we scored two unanswered touchdowns in the final minutes of the game. The final score ended up being 21-7, but all that mattered to me was that no one was hurt.

When the game clock ran out, Jasper looked up at me for the first time since coming back after the half. He sent me a huge smile, which I returned with one of my own. I was so glad this game was over. I couldn't imagine doing this every Friday for the next few months. Now that I had come once, missing a game was no longer an option.

I left the game and headed straight for home. Angela told me not to expect to see Emmett for a while. Apparently, there was a huge party after every home game. I walked into an empty house. Charlie was not home from the game yet, and I doubted he would be for several hours. Here lately, he hadn't been coming home until well after midnight. Game nights would probably make that worse. I locked up the house and went to take a shower. It had been unseasonably warm tonight, and I felt sticky.

An hour later, I was lying in bed with a book as I tried to shut off the day. A knock on the front door made me jump out of my skin. I looked through the window and didn't see any other cars parked in front of the house. I figured it was kids just playing around and ignored it. Thirty seconds later another loud banging sounded on the door. I groaned and pulled myself out of bed.

I tiptoed down the stairs and approached the door with caution. A quick glance out the window told me it was someone I knew. The question was should I answer the door. He had no business being here at this hour. Another round of knocking convinced me to give in.

"What do you want, Jasper? Shouldn't you be off somewhere getting drunk right about now?" I asked as I swung the door open.

He gave me a weak smile. "I'd rather talk to you."

Like the fool that I was, I melted. I waved him in the door and closed it silently before turning to look at him.

"You can't be here. Charlie will be home soon and Emmett, too, probably."

"Trust me. They won't be home until the morning or later," he explained with a wicked smile on his face.

"Don't look at me that way," I ordered.

"What way is that?" he drawled seductively.

I sent him a rude glare. "You know what way. Look, just say what you want to say and then leave."

"Oh, Bella. Now that I'm here, there's no way that I'm leaving. I never get you all to myself."

I rolled my eyes at that. "You hardly want me all to yourself."

Jasper's eyes narrowed dangerously as he took two steps forward and backed me into the front door. I gasped sharply and lowered my eyes. If I looked at him, I wouldn't be able to hold myself together. His left hand went to my hip, and he brought his right hand up to my neck grazing my skin lightly with his fingertips. When he wedged his right leg between my thighs pinning me to the door, I groaned from the pressure. I was now anchored against his lean body.

"Oh, I want you to myself all right, and you want me just as bad," he whispered in my ear.

He then lowered his mouth to the spot just below my ear and kissed me softly. The touch of his lips and the feel of his hot breath on my neck sparked a shot of need that ran the length of me. When he brushed his tongue lightly across my skin, I moaned his name. Jasper whispered mine in response and continued assaulting my neck with his mouth. He then rose up slightly and pressed his nose into my hair breathing deeply. My blood rushed through my body like fire as my heart raced. Him touching me was pure, exquisite torture.

"You smell so good," he said after taking another deep breath.

His name was a whisper on my tongue, "Jasper."

I felt his left hand grip my hip harder before slowly making its way under my shirt as he placed his hand on the small of my back. That simple touch made me tremble. When he felt my reaction, Jasper pulled away slightly and used his right hand to raise my chin up so that I was looking up at him. With a chuckle, he kissed me softly on my forehead before stepping back away from me.

Jasper watched me with hooded eyes. In a voice raw with need, he murmured, "God, you're dangerous."

He walked away from me and began pacing the floor like a caged animal. Jasper looked like he was readying himself for a fight. His posture was stiff and his expression controlled. Finally, he stopped and looked over at me. With a groan, he ran his fingers through his hair and threw himself on the couch.

"How can you doubt that I want you all to myself?" Jasper asked in a rough voice. "I have never wanted anything more in my life. You've been a constant pain in my ass since the first day of school. I can't seem to think right until I see you. Every moment of my day is a waiting game until I can see you again. The only thing that keeps me away from you is your damn brother. I'm starting to realize that I need you in my life a hell of a lot more than I need him."

His words pounded at my heart like a battering ram, but I couldn't let them take hold. I had to ignore them. I had to pretend that I didn't hear them and that I didn't need them.

I shook my head at him. "Jasper you're just keyed up from the game. It's making you think things you wouldn't normally be thinking. What do you usually do after a game? What do Emmett and Edward do? How can you relax?" I asked making excuses for his wild behavior.

His eyes meet mine and appeared to grow darker. "You really don't want to know what I usually do after a game. But like the bastard that I am, I'll give you a hint. It's exactly what Edward and Emmett are probably doing right now, and it's what you and I would be doing if I hadn't backed away from you."

I hated knowing that he was right. I wouldn't have stopped him. He stopped himself.

"Oh. So, uhmm. Why aren't you?" I asked awkwardly. When the words were out, I could have smacked myself. My poorly worded question had unintended implications. I just couldn't get my tongue and my brain to cooperate.

Jasper's mouth twisted into a sinful grin, and he raised an eyebrow, "Are you offering?"

"N-no," I stuttered.

Hope died in his eyes. "I didn't think so."

My heart twisted painfully at the look on his face. Great job, Bella. Way to be a tease. I wanted to die where I stood.

"I meant why aren't you out with someone else. We both know you could be with any girl you want, and your being here is a bad idea."

Jasper ducked his head in shame. "Yeah, I know. Everything about you is a bad idea."

I pushed away from the door and joined him on the couch. He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into his side. Like that day in the classroom, I laid my head on his shoulder. He grabbed my right hand with his left and began drawing circles on the palm of my hand with his thumb. We sat like that for several minutes. I slowly began to relax and felt the tension leave him as well.

Jasper broke the silence. "That first day of school, I talked to Alice about you. She told me what a disaster this would be."

"Yeah, she told me that, too."

"So, what should we do?" he asked. "I'm so damned tired of staying away from you, Bella."

What could we do? I didn't even know what this was between us, but I knew that whatever it was wouldn't last. Jasper was eventually going to get tired of me. My attraction was rooted in my being off limits. Once we were together, he would lose interest fast. He sure as hell wouldn't fall in love with me, and I didn't want to fall in love with him. We couldn't have been more wrong for each other.

"We don't do anything," I answered sadly.

Jasper stood up quickly and moved to where he was standing in front of me. His eyes shoot daggers at me. "Wrong answer, Bells."

I closed my eyes and looked away from his pain filled expression. "Jasper, I don't know what you're asking me to do."

Jasper sat down on the floor in front of me and put his hands on my knees. "I know what it sounds like, but that isn't it. I just want to be with you. I want to be able to talk to you. Being near you is the only thing that brings me peace. You never ask me for anything. You never pretend with me. You're just Bella and when I am with you, I can be me."

I rubbed my hands over my face in frustration. He had me. I was going to offer him whatever he wanted. It was wrong and would end up hurting me in the end, but I couldn't deny him. All I could do was try to prevent as much damage as possible.

I looked down at him. "They can't know. No Alice, no Edward, no Rosalie and definitely no Emmett. I don't like your friends. Heck, I don't even like you half the time. And I'm not sleeping with you so don't even try it."

Jasper smiled in relief. He then pulled me up off the couch and sat me on his lap. "It's a deal. I'll take whatever I can get."

I closed my eyes and enjoyed our embrace. It felt so good to be held by him. He ran his fingers through my hair and played with the ends. Little details like that sent my heart into overdrive.

"This is silly. You'll never find the time to be alone with me," I told him quietly.

"Don't worry. I'll figure it out. What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked hopefully.

My eyes snapped open. Oh, shit. This wasn't going to go over very well. I pulled away from him and looked up slowly. I bit my bottom lip in concentration. How was I going to explain my date with James? I couldn't lie. Jasper would find out and be furious.

"Uhmm. About that. I have plans," I explained slowly.

"With Angela," he assumed.

"Not quite."

Jasper's eyes flashed with anger. "Who?"

I wrinkled up my nose and looked away. "James."

"Like hell you do. Cancel," he growled.

"I can't just cancel on him. Besides, he could be the perfect distraction. Surely, you of all people can appreciate that," I explained in a moment of pure brilliance.

Jasper was not impressed, "No. Cancel the date. Tell him your sick. Tell him you died. Tell him anything. He's not touching you."

I glared up at him. "Do you think I let everyone manhandle me the way you do? He won't lay a finger on me."

"He better not," he stated coldly. "What happened to you not seeing him?"

"I only agreed because I was mad at you. It's just a one time thing, and it will throw everyone off the scent and make things easier for us."

He wasn't giving in at all. "I said no."

I looked up at him mischievously. "You know, Jasper. There's not really anything you can do about it."

"Don't push me on this, Bella," he said in warning.

I was starting to get frustrated. It was ridiculous that he couldn't see the merit of my plan. I pulled away from him and sat back on the couch. "Why won't you agree to this?"

Jasper stood up swiftly and threw his arms up in frustrated anger. He started pacing the room again. I couldn't believe that he was so resistant to my idea. How could something so simple make him so angry?

"I don't trust him," Jasper finally answered.

I smiled at him in understanding. "The only thing that matters, Jasper, is that you trust me. Can you do that? I'll even give you a heads up on where we're going to be. You can even follow us around for the whole date. I don't care."

He stopped pacing and looked at me. I could tell he was wavering. "Where did you plan on going?"

Victory. "Just to the movies. He's picking me up at six. We're not even going to dinner. It's really not a big deal."

"Fine," he agreed. "But I'll be sitting two rows up with Emmett and the others."

I yawned and nodded my head in agreement. "Sounds good. But, I feel kind of bad for James. I'm basically just using him. He's a nice guy and doesn't deserve that."

Jasper just shook his head. "No, he's not, and yes, he does. But I don't want to talk about it anymore. Let's get you to bed. You're dead on your feet."

We walked up to my bedroom hand in hand. I laid down with another yawn while pulling my covers up around me. I hadn't realized just how tired I felt until I was snuggled up in bed. Jasper turned off the lights, and a minute later, I felt the bed give a little as he climbed in next to me.

"What are you doing?" I asked groggily.

Jasper wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. "I told you I wasn't leaving. Now, stop yapping. I'm tired."

My last coherent thought before sleep took me was that if there was a heaven it had to feel like this.


	10. Chapter 10 Perfection

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 10 - Perfection

I woke up hot. I was sweaty and sticky and not alone. An arm was wrapped around my waist, and a leg was lying in between my own. The intimate position woke me up in an instant. I lifted my head and turned to look over my shoulder.

A deep voice mumbled, "Morning."

I scrambled into a sitting position and looked over at Jasper. If possible, he looked more beautiful having just woke up than he did at any other time of the day. His hair was a wild mess, and he had a small smile on his face. With his half open eyes, he still looked sleepy, but it put an innocence on his face that I hadn't seen before. He was gorgeous.

He held his right index finger up to his lips. "Shush. Emmett and Charlie got home about an hour ago."

I felt my eyes turn into saucers as I looked at him. "What are you still doing in my bed then? Have you lost your mind? Go hide."

Jasper sat up and looked at me without even a hint of worry in his eyes. "Stop worrying. They're going to be gone in a little bit. Besides, they won't come in your room, and I locked the door in case they tried."

The nerve of this guy was unbelievable. Was he so used to problems just magically working themselves out that he was left with no fear? Or, did he have a death wish? Either way, it was insanity for him to be sitting on my bed without a care in the world. He was so nonchalant about it that I was starting to get pissed.

"Don't you think it might be a little suspicious that my door is locked? And, how do you know they're leaving soon?" I asked in an angry whisper.

"Every Saturday after a game, Charlie takes Emmett to Port Angeles for breakfast. It's a tradition. As for the door, I didn't think about that. I don't usually have to . . . never mind," Jasper answered stumbling over his last words.

I glared at him. "Jesus, how often do you do this?" I punctuated every word by hitting him with my pillow.

He grabbed onto the pillow and scowled. "Dammit, Bella. Stop hitting me."

A knock on my bedroom door stopped us both. We looked at each other in wide-eyed panic.

"Bells, you awake?" Emmett called through my door.

All traces of Jasper's previous lack of concern were wiped away in an instant. He looked like he was about to die.

I took a calming breath and hoped my voice wouldn't give away my fear. "Yeah, I'm just getting dressed. Did you need me?"

"No, I just wanted to let you know that dad and I are leaving. I also wanted to thank you for coming to my game last night. It meant a lot. Anyway, I'll see ya later," Emmett said in his sweetest voice.

If it wasn't for the half dressed Jasper in my room, I would have jumped for joy at the simple act of talking to my brother. I don't know what caused the turn around in him, but this was the first morning he had voluntarily said anything to me.

"Bye, Emmett. You played good, Big Brother. I was proud," I said with meaning.

"Bye, Bells."

Jasper and I held our breath until we heard the front door slam and the roar of my brother's truck. When I was certain they were gone, I hit Jasper with my pillow again.

He scowled at me. "What the hell were you thinking?"

I sent him a withering look. "Well if you hadn't made it so abundantly clear that this is an everyday thing for you, I wouldn't have gotten so mad. You Stupid Ass."

He grabbed the pillow away from me and threw it across the room. "This is not an everyday thing for me. I've never stayed the night with a girl."

I knew immediately that he was telling the truth, but I had to be sure. "Really?" I asked.

"I swear and let me tell you that if I had I would have done a hell of a lot more than sleep next to her. So, yeah. This is completely new to me."

For some reason, my eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry," I offered lamely.

When he saw my tears, Jasper pulled me over so that we were sitting on the bed facing each other. He then wrapped his arms around me. "Bella, everything with you is new and different. Nothing you and I ever do will compare to what I have done in my past."

He pulled away and put both of his hands on either side of my face. He wiped my tears away gently and kissed my forehead. I wrapped my arms around his back, and we held each other for several minutes. It felt perfect.

I finally pulled away and looked at him. I liked this Jasper. Everyday it seemed like I met a new version of him. He was always so different from one day to another. Heck, Jasper was different from one second to the next. I never knew which side of him to expect. It made things exciting and frustrating all at once.

"So what do you want to do today until your date shows up?" he said with a frown.

Jealous Jasper was so cute. I laughed at his frown and watched as it deepened. "I have no plans outside of a shower. Sleeping with you makes me hot and sticky."

He smiled wickedly.

I thought back on my words and turned red in embarrassment. Stupid Bella. With a groan, I got off the bed and went to my closet to find some clothes. When I turned around, Jasper was staring at me.

"What?" I asked self-consciously. I looked down at my clothes and couldn't figure out what he was looking at.

Jasper's eyes trailed over my body slowly. "You have no idea how good you look. We need to get you something else to wear if I'm going to be spending some of my nights here. Another night of this, and you'll kill me."

I looked down at my clothes and snorted. It was shorts and an old t-shirt. What the hell did he want me to wear? A snowsuit.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked genuinely shocked.

He closed his eyes and groaned. "Stop talking. You're making it worse."

"Are you feeling all right, Jasper?"

"Bella, there is nothing sexier than a girl who doesn't know she's sexy. So, stop talking. Get dressed. And, for the love of God, don't say my name."

I started walking forward and held my hand out to touch his forehead. He must be running a temperature. When I was just inches away, Jasper opened his eyes and grabbed my arm. "Seriously, Bells. Go get your shower."

Thirty minutes later, we were sitting in the kitchen eating waffles. I kept looking over at him expecting him to disappear. Now that I was fully awake and the shock of waking up next to him had worn off, I couldn't believe he was here. It was just surreal. I had spent so much of my time thinking about him that my brain wouldn't accept the reality of his presence.

Strangely enough, Jasper kept looking at me like I was some kind of miracle. We were exchanging so many odd looks that we finally broke into laughter. While I was laughing, he took his index finger and smudged my cheek with syrup. I laughed off his attempt to rile me.

"Tell me what you're thinking." he begged.

I smiled warmly. "I just can't believe that you're here with me. I keep expecting you to disappear."

"Funny. I was thinking the same thing," Jasper answered returning my smile.

He then stood up and walked to the sink in the kitchen. He wet a dishcloth and walked back over to me. With gentle strokes, he wiped at the stripe of syrup on my face. His movements were so tender. I was completely fascinated with everything he did. It was so weird watching him as he cleaned my face. He was biting his bottom lip in concentration. Something about it made me start feeling that familiar knot in my stomach. I looked up at him and our eyes met. His then lowered a fraction to focus on my lips causing my heart to skip a beat. He leaned down slowly and stopped with just inches separating us. My breath caught sharply.

"Bella," he said my name in a whisper. "Can I kiss you?"

I nodded slightly. His lips pressed against mine softly. It was a gentle kiss and lasted just a few short seconds. When he pulled away, I was in a daze. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead into mine. He looked like he was in pain.

"Jasper," I whispered. "Are you okay?"

He opened his eyes and looked at me with regret. "Bella. You need to know I won't always be like this. I don't know what's wrong with me when I am around you, but I'm not acting like myself. When you're near me, I don't know who I am."

I raised my right hand and caressed his cheek. "Just be you. I like you anyway that I can get you."

And I meant it. I would take rude, manipulative Jasper. I would take angry, glaring Jasper. I would take any form of him that he presented me with just so long as we were together. My current two favorites were sweet, gentle Jasper and sinfully, seductive Jasper. Both of which would crush my soul, but I was quickly reevaluating the value of that little piece of me. He was more than welcome to steal mine completely. I would hand it over with a smile if he were to only ask. The lure of the devil was just too tempting to resist. I was a goner, and I knew it.

He grabbed my right hand and squeezed it gently before bringing it up to his mouth for a kiss. "So, how are we going to do this?" he asked.

I brushed my troubling thoughts aside. "I don't know, but if you keep staring at me like you've been doing at lunch, people will figure it out pretty quick. You're not exactly subtle."

Jasper chuckled softly. "You're one to talk. There were some days when I wondered if you were thinking of eating me for lunch."

His comment annoyed me. I hated that my attraction to him was so obvious. Of course, he was just as bad, but it still bugged me. We were too aware of each other. Anyone with half a brain would be able to figure out that we were up to something. We would have to be very careful for however long it took our odd relationship to run its course.

"Alright. Enough already. Back to planning. I think I can get Angela to help. If you need to tell me something, you can give her a note, and vice versa. Do you have any classes with her?"

For the first time since I meet him, Jasper looked embarrassed. His face was red, and he looked very hesitant to speak. "Home economics," he muttered.

I let out a bark of laughter. "Seriously."

He just nodded his head. He couldn't even look me in the eye. My laughter caused his blush to deepen, which sent me into giggles. Big, strong Jasper in front of a sewing machine was just too funny.

"I'll take pity on you and give you a pass on the sewing jokes," I offered kindly.

Jasper looked relieved. Anxious to change the subject, he provided us with another plan. "I always know when Emmett is going to be staying with Rose. I figure on those nights I can come over here. All things considered, it seems only fair."

"That's what he's been doing."

"Yeah, Emmett comes over when my dad is going to be out. It's been happening more and more. It's pretty stupid because my dad doesn't care. Emmett can come over every night as far as he is concerned."

I was shocked. "Wait, Rosalie lives with you."

"Since we were both twelve. She's more like my sister than my cousin. Her parents died in a plane crash. My dad took her in since we were her only family. Plus, he wanted the money from the settlement. The guy's a real bastard."

"I kind of picked up on that," I admitted.

Jasper steered the subject away from his father quickly. "I have another place we can meet that you might like. It's sort of like that place I took you the day we left school, but the rest of my group doesn't go there. You might like it."

"Sounds good. Where is it?" I asked.

"I can show you."

If I had to be honest, I was dying to go. "Will you behave?" I asked pointedly.

He flashed me a wicked grin. "I'll be a good boy. I promise."

As usual, Jasper lured me in with his smile and his charm. The slight drawl in his speech didn't hurt either. He was more tempting than anyone had a right to be, and I was more susceptible than I should be. Together we were a disaster waiting to happen.

* * *

After cleaning up from breakfast, we escaped from my house. It was a rare sunny day, and I looked forward to enjoying it. Driving through Forks made me nervous. I expected us to be spotted right away. Jasper laughed off my concerns and even drove slower just to get under my skin. After receiving a punch in the arm, he speed up but not without more laughter at my expense. I still couldn't get over his lack of fear.

"Do you fear nothing?"

Jasper glanced over at me and smiled wryly. "Do you not remember this morning? I thought I was going to get my ass kicked by your brother."

"You weren't afraid until he heard me and then knocked on the door. Until that happened, you didn't care that my dad and brother were just down the hall. Do you have a death wish or something?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "No, I just knew we weren't going to get caught, and Emmett wouldn't have even knocked if you had just stayed quiet."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I never get caught," he boasted with supreme confidence.

I shook my head in irritation. His complete lack of concern for his own well-being was beyond understanding. Jasper's luck would wear out eventually and then what. He would likely get caught in a situation he couldn't get out off. He was woefully unprepared for the real world.

We drove along in silence. I could have voiced my concerns, but it would have done no good. Jasper would never learn this lesson with words. Something would have to go wrong to teach him what he needed to know. I just hoped it wasn't under painful circumstances.

Jasper cleared his throat and glanced at me. He looked like he wanted to ask me something but didn't know if he should. It made me curious. He never hesitated.

"What?" I finally asked.

"I want to ask about your ex-boyfriend, but I don't know if I should," he answered.

That was a surprise. I hadn't thought about Jake in weeks. It was strange how my thoughts seemed to change about him after I met Jasper. My memories of our time together had been crystal clear, but they were now faded around the edges. Jasper had so completely taken over my thoughts that everything else in my mind paled in comparison to him. His was the only face I could bring to mind with absolute clarity. His voice was seared into my brain, and the smell of him branded into my senses. Jake had never held that kind of power over me, and I doubted anyone else ever would.

"What do you want to know?" I asked.

Jasper immediately popped off a ton of questions. "How long were you together? Why did you split up? How close were you? Do you still call him? Do you miss him? What does he look like?"

He only stopped because I interrupted. "Whoa, slow down. One question at a time. What do you want to know first?"

His grip on the steering wheel tightened. If the thought of Jacob made him mad, why did he even bother to bring him up?

"How long were you together?"

I decided just to start talking about him. Jacob was a sore subject with me, and I just wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. I would cover most of his questions and see if he had any left. After taking a deep breath, I started my story.

"Jake and I dated for about six months. My mom actually introduced us. She knew his dad and wanted us to become friends. After a while, we kind of slipped into dating. We were more friends than anything. I don't usually allow people to get close to me, but I somehow just sort of joined his little group. His friends became mine, and it helped bring me out of my shell. All of that ended on the night of the accident."

I stopped at that point. I hadn't talked about that night with anyone. No one knew the real story about what happened. No one knew what my mother and Phil had argued about so fiercely that caused him to lose focus and crash. People had their suspicions and a few were spot on, but no one knew for sure.

Jasper squeezed my hand gently. "Bells, you don't have to talk about this."

I didn't have to, but I wanted to. I knew I could talk to Jasper about this. He would simply listen to what I had to say and make no conclusions or judgments. The key point was that he would listen. No one wanted to listen. They just wanted to put their spin on things and gossip.

"My mother and I were over at Jacob's watching a movie. I never really thought much about her going over there. Phil was gone a lot, and I thought she was just hanging out with us to have some company. That night Phil came home early from a business trip and found the house empty. He drove over to Jake's and stormed into the house. It turns out Renee, my mother, was having an affair with Jake's dad. Phil finally confronted her about it, and they got in a huge argument. It all came as a huge shock to me. She had been using me to provide an alibi for her. I yelled at her and told her that I hated her."

Jasper pulled over to the side of the highway and turned towards me. He wiped the tears away from my face that I hadn't even known had fallen. His touch calmed me. I closed my eyes and let some of the emotions that were starting to overwhelm me slide away. I hadn't even realized I was starting to get upset.

A gave him small smile and continued where I left off. "Phil and her left the house after I lost my temper. On the way home, the accident occurred. He died instantly, but my mom didn't die until she was brought to the hospital. There wasn't much they could do for her. I was numb when I found out. The only thing I could focus on was that my last words were that I hated her. I didn't cry or breakdown. I just sat there replaying my words in my head and seeing her face as she cried. It was the only time I ever saw her cry. I pushed my grief to the back of my mind and made myself hold everything in. Tears made me think of her. My own would have pushed me over the edge."

I looked up at Jasper and smiled. "I know you must think that sounds crazy. I seem to cry all the time now over the stupidest thing. Green reindeer sweaters. You saying that everything is completely new to you when it comes to me. And now here I am crying again."

His eyes were gentle as they peered into mine. "I don't think it's stupid. I think you've been through a lot, and sometimes you get upset. There's nothing wrong with it. Hell, I cried like a baby when my mom left me. I'll admit it."

Jasper's words gave me the confidence I needed to continue. "I found out on the day of the funeral that Jake had known all along about Renee and his dad. Everyone knew except me. It made me feel so dumb at first. How could I possibly miss something so obvious? Then, I got mad. My mind became convinced that I could have prevented everything if they had just told me the truth. I blamed him for their deaths. We broke up, and I haven't talked to him since that day. When I arrived in Forks and moved in with Charlie and Emmett, I was hoping for a new start. I was excited to finally see my brother after so long. He hadn't gone to the funeral, but I attributed it to him being too upset to go. Instead, it was that he didn't care. That is what finally made me breakdown. I haven't seemed to stop crying since that day."

Jasper looked at me sadly before starting to speak. "I know you may not want to hear this now, but Emmett was devastated when he heard about Renee. We all had trouble controlling him. He would destroy anything he touched. He drank constantly and hid himself away in Rose's room. Seeing Charlie made him worse so he came to my house. It took three days for him to finally talk to one of us. He locked himself in a room with Alice for hours. None of us know what was said between them, but when he came out, he was better. He still isn't quite the same, but I don't think he will be for awhile."

His words shocked me. Emmett had not been unaffected by our mother's death. It changed so much about what I thought about my brother. He wasn't the cold statue that I thought he was. I felt guilty.

After Jasper's revelation, I went quiet. I needed to allow myself time to digest his words and form my own conclusions. Sensing my need to be left to my own thoughts, Jasper started the car and continued our drive.

* * *

After twenty minutes of silent driving, we turned onto an old dirt road. Unlike the other road leading to the clearing, this one was rougher and the surrounding foliage thicker. Trees hugged the side of the road, which I now realized was more of a private drive than anything else.

We had only driven a couple of miles when the greenery became thinner, and I saw that we approached a cabin hidden in the woods. It was not large, and I doubted that it contained more than a few rooms. I was drawn to its simplicity and how it seemed to fit its surroundings perfectly. The rich brown of the wooden structure gave it a warmth that made me think of curling in front of a fireplace. It felt like a real home. I loved it.

"What is this place?" I asked with wonder coating my words.

Jasper smiled at my obvious appreciation for his little hideout. "It belonged to my grandfather."

He pulled to a stop, and we got out of my car. I took in the surroundings slowly. The woods were thick here and added to the hidden feel of the cabin. I felt like I had walked into a secret. The thought made me feel a twinge of guilt. I didn't like the idea of sneaking around, but if I was going to, it might as well be in a place as beautiful as this.

Being here made me relax after the tough conversation from before. I didn't want our day to have a cloud hanging over us so I pushed my thoughts about Emmett to the back of my head. This day was ours, and I was going to keep it that way.

My thoughts were interrupted when Jasper came up beside me and started playing with my hair. "Do you want to explore?" he asked.

"Sure."

He smiled at me, and my problems slipped away. It was easy to feel good with him around. Something about him just made me feel right. I blindly followed where he led and knew that I would probably continue to do so for as long as would he let me.

I was surprised when he walked me around to the back of the cabin. My assumption was that we were going inside. Instead, he held my hand and guided me along a rough path that trailed through the trees.

"So, how come the others don't come here? I would think it would make the perfect hangout for you guys."

Jasper didn't say anything for several seconds. I started to regret my question. It didn't seem to be one that he wanted to answer.

"Edward is destructive when he drinks. I didn't want him to tear anything up," he explained.

The answer felt forced. I knew there was more to it than that but didn't pursue it. Jasper was entitled to his secrets. I for one had my fair share.

We walked quietly along the trail until suddenly the trees opened up to reveal a small lake. The water was glassy and clear without a single ripple marring its perfection. A small dock began at the end of the trail and jutted out into the water. It looked like it would provide the perfect fishing spot. The scenery made me think of warm, summer days and picnics. It was love at first sight, and I never wanted to leave.

Jasper released my hand, and I walked forward onto the narrow bridge of the dock. When I reached the middle of the large platform that was at the end, I closed my eyes and lifted my face up into the sun. This was my idea of perfection, a beautiful day and the warm feeling I got from the rays of light. All that was missing was a light breeze, but I could overlook that small detail.

My definition of perfection changed irreparably in the next moment. Jasper's arms wrapped around my chest as he held me from behind. His head hung down as he again breathed in the smell of my hair. I intertwined my arms with his and felt him tighten his hold on me. The world fell away, and a new feeling came over me that I was unprepared for. It was intense and warm but beyond that indescribable. Never before had I felt the way I did in this moment. I never wanted this feeling to leave. It made me feel complete, and I didn't want to ever live without it.


	11. Chapter 11 Barracuda

**First Love Lost  
**Chapter 11 - Barracuda

Six o'clock came too quickly. I dreaded my date with James. The last day and night with Jasper had been so perfect, and I didn't want it to end. We laid on the dock for hours sharing stories as we enjoyed the warmth of the sun. I learned so much about him in those few short hours. It was one of the best days of my life.

We left at four, which was really pushing it. It left me with only two hours to get back to Forks and get ready for my date. I dropped Jasper off in front of the grocery store in town. His plan was to call Rosalie and have her take him home so he could get ready for his evening of spying.

I showered quickly and noted with irritation that I was sunburned from my afternoon at the lake. It was not bad, but it could lead to questions. I dressed casually as I always do. My style of jeans and a t-shirt wasn't going to change for anyone. Makeup wasn't an issue since I didn't own any. My hair was another story. I usually left it down, but I decided I had to put it up in a ponytail. I knew that Jasper liked it down so he could play with the ends, and the thought of James doing the same thing left me cold.

At six o'clock on the dot, my date knocked on the front door. I greeted him warmly, and we headed out to his car. Like a gentleman, he opened the door for me. It was a nice touch that would have impressed me before I met Jasper. He always opened my door and made it look natural. With James, I could tell that it was an act he put on to impress me. If we made a habit of dating, he would grow comfortable with me and such niceties would stop. Jasper would continue to do it as long as we were together, be that five days or five lifetimes.

James took his right hand off the steering wheel and patted my leg. I really hoped he wouldn't do anything like that with Jasper around. It would not be good. His tolerance for James touching me would only go so far. A certain amount of contact would be expected on any date, but I knew that some things would push my secret friend over the edge. If James touched my neck or tried to kiss me, all bets were off.

"What kind of movie are you in the mood to watch?" James asked.

My mind raced through the possibilities. Romantic comedy was out. It would be too uncomfortable. Action seemed like a bad idea depending on the level of physical violence. Why tempt fate? Horror might prove difficult for the same reason.

My mind finally settled on an option. "Sci-fi sounds good."

James seemed to like the idea. "There's a time travel movie out. It's received some good reviews."

"Sounds perfect," I answered with a smile.

"So, did you enjoy the game last night?" he asked changing the subject.

I shook my head. "No, it's too hard watching you guys get hit. I spent the whole game worried that one of you would get hurt."

"Injuries happen. You worrying about it won't change things. Next week, try to let yourself enjoy just watching the game. I think you could really get into it if you let yourself."

"I don't know about that," I responded honestly.

"I think as the season starts picking up you will. When we make the playoffs, the excitement will keep building. By the end of the season, I'm willing to bet that you'll be obsessed with football."

I had my doubts but kept them to myself. "How many games are we talking about here?"

"We'll play at least ten, which leaves us with at least seven more games, but I have no doubt it will be more than that. We played fifteen last year, but we won state so that's why."

My jaw dropped. "Wait. What? You won state. How did I not know this?"

"Bella, we're the number one team in the state. Some of us are even being scouted by Division 1 schools."

"What does that mean?" I asked completely lost.

"It's your big football schools like Notre Dame and USC. Emmett and Jasper are both being watched very carefully. They've received several offers. It's just a question of where they choose to go."

I felt sick, not for Emmett but for Jasper. I was finally starting to understand just how big this football thing was for him. It was such a huge deal, and he had only talked about it that one time. How could he have not said anything?

James glanced over at me with worry. "Are you okay, Bella?"

"I'm fine. I just didn't know how big this football thing was around here."

"That's why your brother and his friends run that school. They get anything and everything they want. Emmett isn't so bad, but Jasper is like a king around here. You should see the line of girls at practice. It's ridiculous. The guy is such an ass, and he has every female within an hour's drive panting over him. Every week he has a new girl, but you won't see a hint of it at school. They are good for a night of fun, but he won't even acknowledge them afterwards. It's disgusting."

_Please, please, please shut up._ My mind was screaming with rage.

James couldn't have done more damage if he had kicked me in the stomach. I physically hurt from his words. Countless images ran through my head of Jasper with girl after girl. It was too much for me to handle. I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out.

I tried to refocus my mind. I pictured Jasper's face and the way his smile made me feel warm inside. I imagined his voice and how it sounded when he said my name. I remembered the feel of his arms and how they held me close. My Jasper was not the guy James was talking about. I wouldn't allow James to change how I felt. I would judge Jasper on his actions with me, not his past mistakes.

We pulled into the theater parking lot, and the devil appeared as if by magic. Jasper and his friends stood leaning against a black SUV. They all looked relaxed as they talked and joked around. Edward was playfully tickling Alice's ribs as she tried to talk to Rosalie. Emmett was yelling across the parking lot to a boy I recognized from school while Jasper looked on in amusement.

The parking lot of the theater looked like a popular hang out. More people were standing outside chatting than there were people going inside. Groups of teens hung out in different sections talking and listening to music. I watched with irritation as several of the girls stood giggling and staring at Jasper. He was ignoring them, but it still got under my skin.

We got out of the car and were noticed immediately. Edward saw us first. He hit Emmett's arm and pointed in our direction. Jasper jerked his head up and looked at me. I didn't want to get caught staring so I turned my head away and looked at James who had walked up to my side.

He had a worried expression on his face. "Are you ready for this?" he asked.

"Sure," I lied. I glanced over at Emmett and saw Rosalie rubbing his arm. It looked like she was trying to convince him to not come over to us.

James placed his right hand on the small of my back and guided me forward. My eyes flashed over to Jasper who was frowning with disapproval. He quickly hid his emotions and turned to say something to Emmett.

We reached the ticket counter and bought tickets for the 6:45 showing. That left us with thirty minutes before the movie started. Rather than go inside, we walked over and stood against the wall of the theater.

James seemed relieved. "Emmett is reacting much better to this than I expected."

"Well, I kind of got into a argument with Rosalie yesterday. After that, I told all of them to stay away from me."

"It doesn't look like they listened. They're on their way over here," he explained before stepping closer and wrapping an arm around my waist.

I had a brief flashback to that first day in Study Hall when he wouldn't let go of my hand. I should have realized James would be the touchy-feely type. Call me crazy, but I preferred a little more distance on a first date, unless my date's name happened to be Jasper Whitlock. Asking him not to touch me would be like asking pigs to grow wings. It wasn't going to happen.

Everyone in the group except for Jasper, who was purchasing tickets, walked over to us. Emmett didn't appear to be mad about my being with James. It was a disappointment considering my plan for distraction was riding on his being upset. I needed this to work, and knew that Jasper would never let me hear the end of it if it failed.

My brother stopped about five feet away and folded his arms across his chest. "Bells, did you suffer a concussion today to go along with that sunburn?"

I laughed at his strange question. "What?"

"A concussion. Cause it's the only way I can explain you being with this fool," Emmett answered.

Good. He was mad. My plan might just work after all.

"That's funny coming from the guy whose dating the world's only blond barracuda," I smirked.

James laughed and pulled me closer into his side. He then leaned his head down and whispered in my ear. "Nice. Now every time I hear the song _Barracuda_ I'll picture a blond haired fish chasing me while it tries to bite me on the ass."

I started giggling. Unfortunately, Jasper walked up at just that moment, and he was pissed. I could only imagine how things must look to him. James had his arm around me and was leaning down next to my face as I giggled like a schoolgirl. This was just terrific. I was screwed.

Jasper looked ready to commit murder. "Bella, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked through gritted teeth.

"Um, yeah," I answered hesitantly.

I stepped away from James and went over to Jasper who grabbed me by the elbow. His grip was tight as we walked a good fifty feet away. I turned back once to look at James and saw that my brother's friends had surrounded him. They looked like they were trying to put the fear of God into him. No one was paying us any attention. When we finally stopped walking, I glanced up at Jasper who was not doing anything to disguise his anger.

"Are you okay?" I asked him.

He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "No."

"I'm sorry. What do you want me to do?"

"Oh, I don't know, Bella," he said angrily. "You could stop letting that jackass put his arm around you, and you could stop giggling at him like a groupie watching a rock star. Either of those would be real fuckin' nice right about now."

I ducked my head in shame. "I know it looked bad, but it wasn't like that."

"You know what would look bad. Me breaking off his arm and beating him with it. That would look real damn bad."

"You're overreacting."

"Yeah, well. What would you do if I snuggled up to some girl right in front of you?"

That was the wrong thing to say. After having just heard James' version of Jasper's very active sex life, images of it were fresh in my mind. Having the man himself taunt me with another one wasn't the best idea.

I stomped up to him and punched my index finger into his chest. "You know what, I've had just about enough of your bullshit for one night. If you want to grab some cheap girl and snuggle up with her, go ahead. You'll get to see exactly what I would do, but if you're smart, you'll shut your mouth and not put any more pictures into my head. James has already provided me with plenty."

After saying my peace, I left a very shocked and worried Jasper standing all by himself. Everyone had seen our argument, but luckily, no one had been close enough to hear it. They actually looked slightly amused by the whole thing. Alice was especially happy. Her witnessing Jasper and me arguing was definitely a good thing. She was the one who would pick up on things the quickest, and it could only help my cause if she thought I hated the very person she warned me against.

James met me at the front of the building, and we went inside to enjoy the movie. We grabbed two cokes and a large popcorn before making our way into the theater. He let me lead the way as I climbed to the very top row. I knew Jasper would be pissed that he couldn't watch us, but it served him right.

When the others walked in, they searched the room until they found us. Their disappointment with our location was obvious. Emmett frowned heavily as he lead the pack up the stairs. They chose the row just below us. My brother sat in front of James while Rosalie was in front of me. The others followed with Edward sitting next to Rosalie while Alice and Jasper finished out the row.

I ended up enjoying the movie. Sci-fi usually wasn't my thing, but I was going to have to rethink my opinion after watching this show. Of course, my pleasure may have been amplified by the obvious discomfort Jasper showed throughout the whole movie. To anyone else, he probably appeared fine, but I knew better. With Alice to his left, he couldn't risk looking back at me, and it was killing him.

James was a perfect gentleman throughout the whole show. He didn't try to put his arm around me or hold my hand. I was glad. I felt guilty about earlier and didn't want to make the situation worse.

When the movie ended, James led me down the steps, and Jasper followed close behind me with the others trailing behind him. The lobby of the theater was now full, and we had to push our way through crowds of people so that we could leave. I heard Rosalie tell the others that she was going to the restroom, and she left with Alice. Emmett, Edward, and Jasper followed us into the parking lot.

I was rushed to the car by James who now found it imperative that we leave right that second. His sudden urgency made sense a second later when I realized that the others all came in one vehicle. If we made our escape now, they wouldn't be able to follow us home for several minutes since they had to wait for the girls.

My new awareness of the situation brought me up short. I looked back at Jasper who was watching us. He knew what was going on and was furious. For all he knew, James was taking me off somewhere instead of bringing me right home. I tried to mouth our destination to him, but I wasn't sure if he caught it.

James pushed me into the car in a hurry and then went around to his own side. We took off quickly and were on our way. When I glanced back, I saw that Jasper was now sitting in the SUV impatiently waiting for the arrival of the rest of his group. Alice and Rosalie were nowhere in sight, and Edward and Emmett were completely unaware of Jasper's anger.

"Did you enjoy the movie?" James asked, which caused me to turn back towards him.

"It was good," I said in a small voice.

His shoulders drooped in disappointment. "You don't want to go out again do you."

Bingo. No, I didn't want to go out with him again. I don't know how he picked up on it, but all I could think was hallelujah. I wouldn't have to let him down easy. He was already down.

"I'm sorry, James. It's just too complicated. I like you, but I don't think it's going to go anywhere beyond friendship. If it was, it would be worth the trouble Emmett brings to the table, but since it isn't, it just seems like a waste of time," I explained. "I am sorry. I hope we can be friends."

James nodded his head in understanding. I was glad he didn't seem interested enough to push the issue. He gave up quicker than I expected, and I was a little surprised by it. I should have been suspicious after all of his attempts to get close to me, but I was too relieved to care.

When we arrived back at my house, he dropped me off and then left. I was so glad the night was over. It was stressful and left me tired. I went up to my room and took my hair down. I was brushing it out when I heard the slamming of car doors. The troops had arrived, and I knew they would be looking for me. I trudged downstairs to meet my fate head-on. My having to answer to a bunch of spoiled jerks who didn't even consider me their friend was laughable in the extreme. The only bright spot was that I would get to see Jasper.

They were just walking in the front door when I took the last step down the stairs. Jasper's eyes found me immediately. The relief on his face was obvious. He hadn't been sure I was home until he saw me. All of the others appeared to be in a good mood, except for Emmett.

He walked up to me with a frown on his face. "Bells, what were you doing with that guy?"

"Don't worry. I'm not going out with him again so it doesn't matter," I explained, more for Jasper's benefit than Emmett's.

I moved around him and sat on the couch. Everyone joined me in the living room and started relaxing in different places around the room. Edward sat in Charlie's recliner with Alice in his lap. Emmett threw himself down on the love seat and was joined by Rosalie. Jasper joined me on the couch but made sure to sit at the very opposite end.

Why everyone was just sitting around, I couldn't understand. They hated being around me, and I didn't want to be around them. Well, that wasn't true. I didn't want to be around four of them.

I threw my head back on the couch. "Why are you people still here? Don't you have somewhere else to be."

Jasper laughed. "Wow, way to put out the welcome wagon. Talk like that will make us think you don't like us."

"I don't."

Alice perked up. "Come on, Bella Bear. You like us."

I raised my head and looked at her. "Bella Bear?" I questioned.

"I was going to go with Bitchy Bear, but it just sounded too tacky. It seems only fair to give you a name since you call Rose, Barbie Bear." Alice answered with her tinkling laughter ringing out. "But after tonight, I move we change Rose to Barracuda Bear. It's far more fitting."

Damn that Alice. Her crazy words had me joining in the laughter that rang out through the room. "So, what does that make you?" I asked.

"Oh, that's easy. I'm Bouncy Bear." Everyone nodded in agreement.

Figures. With her energy, it fit her perfectly. "What about Emmett?" I asked.

Alice stopped for a second and started thinking. "He already looks like a bear so we need a different animal. I'm thinking Grumble Bunny, but I'm as yet undecided. Edward is a hard one. I can't think of one. But, Jasper's name is perfect."

I couldn't resist. I had to know. "And what is Jasper?"

Alice grinned excitedly. She looked very proud of herself. "Jasper is Swear Bear."

I giggled at that. Nothing fit him more perfectly. Everyone started laughing. Jasper just sat on the couch glaring around the room at each of us, which made us all laugh harder. It felt so good to be around these people when they were being nice. I felt like I belonged with them. Like I had been a part of them for years.

When the noise died down, an uncomfortable silence filled the room. No one seemed to know what to say. I wondered at what caused the sudden change in atmosphere.

After a couple of tense minutes, Edward broke the silence. "Bella, I want to apologize for my attitude towards you lately. I've been a jerk, and I'm sorry. You didn't deserve it, and I will be better. I promise."

I was in shock. He apologized with such seriousness that I couldn't doubt his sincerity. I was touched that he would try to repair any ill feelings I had toward him. When I started to speak up and accept his apology, Alice interrupted me.

"I'm sorry, too. I'm not going to stop trying to manage your life, but I will offer you friendship to go along with it," Alice explained softly.

I smiled at her refusal to stop checking up on me. It was typical of her to be honest about her intentions yet still sound sorry about it at the same time.

Rosalie sat forward on the love seat and looked at me carefully. This should be interesting. She still hated me. It was obvious. "I still don't like you, but I will stop snapping at you like a turtle."

Yep, no apology there. Though, I appreciated what little she gave me. It would be nice to not have her anger directed at me.

"Thank you for apologizing. It means a lot," I said simply.

Emmett then got up and joined me on the couch squeezing himself between Jasper and me. He placed a heavy arm around my shoulder and looked down at me with the sweetest and softest look on his face. If Emmett got all emotional on me, I knew I would cry.

"I'll stop ignoring you if you let me drive your car," he answered with all seriousness.

I burst into laughter and was joined by everyone in the room. Leave it to him to break the tension. I knew he was saying he was sorry, and I was more affected by his joking words than anyone else's serious ones. Emmett really got me, and I loved that about him.

I fished in my pants pocket for my car keys and handed them to him ceremoniously. He got a childlike look of delight on his face. It was so cute.

"Just be careful," I requested.

Emmett returned to the love seat and nudged Rosalie playfully. He waved the keys in her face like a kid who just got a new toy the other kid wanted. She reached for the keys and barely missed them while he gave her a taunting laugh. The whole thing was comical.

Jasper spoke up to explain, "Rose is a car buff. She's been dying to drive your car for weeks."

I looked up to find Rosalie glowering at Emmett. "Can you drive a stick shift?" I asked her.

She rolled her eyes at me.

"If so, you're more than welcome to try it out," I offered.

Rosalie's eyes jerked over to mine. She looked surprised by my offer. Hell, I didn't blame her. I was surprised that I made it. Stupid Bella.

"No, thank you." she responded sullenly.

Alice broke what could have become another uncomfortable moment when she suddenly stood up and dragged Edward out of the recliner. "We should be going. Edward has a sleep over to get to, and Jasper has Maria waiting for him."

_What the hell? Who is Maria?_

I forced myself to remain calm and not react. If I ignored it, the pain in my chest would eventually go away. It might take the rest of my life, but it would go away. Death had a way of curing all pain.

Jasper stood up and walked towards me. "Yeah, she's waiting, but I haven't made my peace with Bella like the rest of you did. So, Maria will have to wait."

_Yeah, she's waiting._ His words were going to make my brain start bleeding.

He stepped in front of me and made sure I was looking at him before continuing. His eyes looked like they were pleading with me. "Bella, I'm not sorry for what I've been doing, and I'll probably keep doing it. But, I will stop glaring at you."

I knew that his words had another meaning that would go unnoticed by the others in the room. They made me feel a little better, but I still wanted to know just who the hell Maria was. Alice made it sound like she knew this girl. No one else even blinked at the name. They had to know her as well.

Emmett sat up and grabbed Rosalie's hand. "Bella, I'll be at Rose's tonight. Dad went out of town until Tuesday so if you need anything call me. I won't see you until school on Monday. You have my number right."

I nodded absently. "Go have fun. I'll see you at school."

After making their goodbyes, everyone began making there way out of the house. Jasper was the last to leave. When the others were out the door, he turned to look at me.

"Bells, just so you know Maria makes the best waffles in three counties. As soon as I get Edward and Alice home, I'm coming back over to tell her hi," he said with a wink.


	12. Chapter 12 I See You

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 12 - I See You

Jasper didn't even bother knocking when he arrived back at my house thirty minutes later. He just walked in like it was his own home. I had even locked the door, but apparently, Emmett passed out keys like they were candy. I was lounging on the couch reading a book when he arrived. He smiled at me warmly before moving to stand in front of me. I looked up at him and noticed that he seemed to be waiting for something.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm waiting for the question," he answered.

"What question?"

He raised an eyebrow and just stared at me. "Who's Maria?" he asked for me. "My friends made it pretty obvious that she really exists."

I shrugged my shoulders at him and turned back to my book. "I don't really care who she is as long as you aren't going over to see her."

It was the truth. As soon as Jasper mentioned waffles, I knew that he was coming to see me. Whoever Maria was mattered little as long as his future plans didn't include her. Being mad about her existence would do no good. Jasper had a past, and I knew it. Part of accepting him was accepting what he had done. It hurt, but neither of us could do anything about it.

Jasper sat down in front of me on the floor and took one of my hands away from my book. "You don't care. Bella, that doesn't make any sense."

My hand began to tingle as he started making the familiar circles on my palm with his thumb. Every time he did that I started feeling warm all over. It was unnerving how he could get a reaction out of me by doing so little.

"What do you want me to say? I don't like the idea of Maria or the other girls, but I can't do anything about them. Am I jealous? Yes. Am I mad? No," I explained. "But, here's the deal. You didn't spend last night with them, and you're here with me now. So you see, this should be my time. If we keep talking about them, it becomes their time."

I put my book down and turned to where I was facing him. "So decide, Jasper. Is this my time or theirs?"

Jasper stood up and pulled me off the sofa. He raised my right hand to his mouth and kissed it softly. "Neither. This is our time."

How did he always know what to say to make me feel better? I bit my lip and looked up at him. He was staring at my mouth intently with his eyes full of longing. He wanted to kiss me. He wanted it as badly as I did. I closed my eyes and looked down. It was easier to forget how I felt when I wasn't looking at him.

"Jasper, we need to talk about this friendship or whatever it is. We need ground rules. If not, I don't think we can continue. You're just too much for me," I told him honestly.

He sighed in frustration before dropping my hands. He took a quick glance around the room and looked nervous. "Can we get out of here? I don't like the idea of someone seeing my car out front. Let's go to the cabin."

Bad idea. Me and him in a cabin where no one could find us. Did I look that stupid?

Apparently, I did. "Okay," I said like an idiot.

"Grab some clothes and stuff and meet me outside," he said before turning away to head out the front door.

What the hell did I just agree to? I asked for ground rules, and in the next second, I made plans to leave with him. Jasper had me so wrapped around his finger it would take a chiropractor to straighten me out. I'm not even angry at his assumption that I would just go along with his plans. How could I be mad, when I so willing jumped every time he snapped his fingers? I was like a cocker spaniel waiting to be taken for a walk.

And walk I did. I walked right up the stairs and started putting together an overnight bag. My mind was clear enough to know that I needed to leave a note in case Emmett came home. Charlie could care less if I was here when he returned, but my brother was a different story.

After getting my bag together, I went downstairs and wrote out a quick note that said I would be at Angela's. It was a rushed plan, but I doubted anyone would even check on me. With my alibi in place, I walked out the front door and locked up the house.

When I turned around, Jasper was leaning against his SUV watching me. The expression on his face stopped me in my tracks. He looked like a lion who had just been handed a free baby zebra. I was getting in way over my head with this guy, and I just kept wading further into the water like the idiot that I was. This realization made me start rethinking my decision to go with him.

He pushed away from the vehicle and stalked towards me with determination. My wavering nerves must have shown on my face. I ducked my head so that I wouldn't have to look into his eyes. When he was inches from me, he stopped.

Jasper leaned down and whispered in my ear. "Bella, I'll be good. I promise. I would never ask for more than you're willing to give. You know that."

I couldn't talk. His breath on my neck had the same reaction it always did. I simply nodded and let him take my bag from my hand. He placed his free hand on the small of my back and led me to his car. I put all my focus on this huge SUV in front of me. It took my mind off of what I was doing. He opened my door and helped me inside.

It had black leather bucket seats that made me feel small. I hated it. It wasn't Jasper at all. This would have been the last thing that I would expect him to drive. It was too flashy and new for him. I would have expected him to feel at home in an old truck. They may lack style, but they more than made up for it in character. This thing felt cold and unwelcoming.

After he got in and closed the door, I asked, "What is this thing?"

"Yukon Denali."

"It's big," I said wrinkling my nose.

He smiled at my comment. "You hate it."

"It isn't what I expected from you. Don't get me wrong. It's nice. It just feels a little much for someone your age to be driving."

Jasper started the engine and backed out slowly. We were miles from the house when he finally began talking. "My dad bought it after we won state last year. It was more for show than anything. Everything he does is for show. This wasn't a reward. It was a message he wanted to send to everyone else. I rarely drive it, which infuriates him to no end."

"So, you don't like it?" I asked.

He glanced at me and frowned. "I don't like what it represents to him. If it weren't for that, it would be great. Though, I will admit it wouldn't have been my first choice. I would prefer something I didn't have to worry about tearing up. Give me an old truck any day."

It was odd how his thoughts seemed to mirror mine so completely. "My mom picked out my car. I came home one day, and it was just sitting there with a big red bow on it. I appreciated the thought, but it wouldn't have been my first choice either. I must sound like a huge ingrate."

"You don't sound ungrateful to me. Believe me, I know ungrateful. I live it every day. It's my biggest problem."

I shook my head at him. "Lie to yourself, Jasper, but don't lie to me. I know what's wrong with you and ungrateful isn't it."

I felt his mood change in an instant. He sent me an angry glare. "You talk like you know me, but you really don't. I'm not who you think I am," Jasper growled at me roughly.

"If that were true, I wouldn't be here," I replied simply.

We drove the rest of the way in uncomfortable silence. It was a first for us. I could feel his anger, but it held a different note than usual. There was another emotion behind it that I sensed but couldn't identify. Had it been anyone else, I would have been worried, but I trusted Jasper. With him, I felt I would always be safe.

When we arrived at the cabin, Jasper reached back and grabbed my bag before getting out and slamming the door hard. He then circled around to my side and helped me step down. His manner was rougher than usual, and he didn't say a word. With his hand on my back, he guided me swiftly to the front door.

We stepped inside, and he turned on the lights before dropping my bag on the floor. Before I even had time to register my surroundings, Jasper grabbed me hard and shoved me against the door. It was a replay of last night only this time he was angry. His leg again wedged itself between mine and held me anchored between him and the door. His hands were on my hips holding me tightly, and he left my arms free at my sides. I didn't move or say a word. I just looked at him.

His eyes were wild as he stood staring at me. I felt no fear. He wouldn't hurt me. My chin tilted up in challenge, and my eyes sent him a silent dare. I needed him to know that I wasn't frightened.

"You're not scared of me at all. Are you?" he asked.

I shook my head. "No, I'm not."

"You should be," his threatened.

I calmly raised my right hand to his face and pushed a lock of his hair away from his eyes. At my touch, his jaw tightened and his eyes closed. "I'm not scared because I know what you are doing," I responded soothingly.

Jasper's eyes opened. Curiosity had replaced the anger from a moment ago., "What do you think I'm doing?"

With a gentle tone, I answered, "You're trying to make me see you as you see yourself."

His posture relaxed, and he eased away from me slightly before slowly bringing his hands to either side of my face. With a light touch, he trailed his fingers along the curves of my face. When I smiled, he rubbed my lips gently with his thumbs.

"Why are you so good, Bella? How do you understand so much when I have told you so little?" he asked in a whisper. He leaned his forehead down and pressed it to mine.

I wanted to tell him so many things but didn't know if I should. I was starting to realize that my feelings for him were quickly getting to the point of no return. He presented more of a danger to my heart with every moment I spent with him. Soon, he would hold complete power over me. Everything bad in his world would be bad in mine. Everything good in his world would be good in mine.

"Bella," he whispered.

When he said my name, all of my reasons for keeping quiet left my head. His voice revealed his desperation. He needed to hear something from me. He needed words that would reassure him and offer him hope. I could not deny him.

"I see who you could be, but also who you already are. I am blind to everything and everyone but you. Nothing in my life has ever been as clear to me as you are. I never know what you are going to do next, but I always understand it. You are a mystery and a revelation all in one."

Jasper's eyes stared into mine with an intensity I had never seen. He then slowly lowered his head and pressed his lips softly to mine. It was a chaste kiss that slowly changed as the pressure between our lips increased. We began moving together hot and restless. His fingers slid into my hair and held my head with gentle pressure as he again pushed me back into the door.

My arms reached up to cling to his back, and I moaned with pleasure as he slowly teased and tantalized me with his mouth. I could feel my body responding with heat as my blood coursed through me wildly. One of his arms lowered, and he grazed his fingers along my neck. The soft touch made me tremble.

Our kiss slowed and gradually decreased in intensity becoming tender and sweet. The change in tempo made me relax slightly, and I enjoyed the new intimacy of our kiss. It felt like love and made me weak with a different kind of need.

Finally, Jasper broke from me slowly and ended our kiss. I opened my eyes and found him gazing at me in wonder. A smile formed on his lips, and I returned it with one of my own.

"We should probably start discussing your rules before things start getting out of hand," he said in a breathless whisper.

I licked my lips and nodded. "That would be a good idea."

He stepped away from me and grabbed one of my hands before dragging me over to the sofa in the middle of the room. I used the opportunity to gather my wits and started looking around trying to take in my surroundings.

The room was decorated in warm colors that invited thoughts of cool nights in front of the fireplace with a blanket in my lap and a book for company. There was a large brown sofa and a matching love seat. Both had checkered quilts draped along the back of them. I knew immediately that they were his grandmother's creations.

Old photographs hung on the wall displaying the history of his family. One was of a little boy who resembled Jasper, and I made a mental note to check it out later. Another was a more recent picture that contained Jasper and his friends. It was a personal touch that I knew he must have added himself. It was very telling. While the other photographs represented the past, that one represented his present and future.

I turned my head and noticed that the kitchen was behind me. It had white cabinets and a black granite counter top. The black checkerboard floor was the finishing touch and made me think of a 50's diner. The cabin had a unique charm that was comforting and familiar. I could sense that many happy memories lingered in the walls, and it made me smile.

Jasper waved a hand in front of my eyes to get my attention. "Hello, Earth to Bella."

I shook my head to clear my thoughts and turned to look at him. "I'm sorry. Did you say something?" I asked.

"Yeah, I've been trying to get your attention for a few minutes. You kind of zoned out on me."

I felt a blush stain my cheeks. "Sorry. I was just looking around and got kind of lost. I like this place. It makes me feel good," I explained sheepishly.

He gave me a friendly smile. "I'm glad. We'll probably spend a lot of time here. I'll get you a key made, and you can come and go as you please. I want you to feel like this is your place, too."

Jasper's words made me feel warm with delight. Nothing would please me more than to have this place to come to when I needed an escape. "Thank you."

"Bells, do you want to sit down?" he asked with a grin.

I realized that I was just standing in the middle of the room and had been for several minutes. Man, I really was out of it. Jasper sat down and pulled me into his lap. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head against his shoulder.

"Rules," he reminded me.

"Oh, yeah. You know having rules sounds kind of ridiculous. I think we should just let things happen naturally. If an issue pops up, we can sit down and discuss it rationally. Rules create a formality that I don't think either of us really want," I explained honestly.

He nodded in agreement. "Fair enough. I have an issue."

"Already?" I asked.

"Yeah, I don't want you dating," Jasper explained with a serious expression on his face.

Typical male behavior. What was he going to do next? Find a way to mark his territory.

"I don't make a habit of it anyway. You have nothing to worry about, but you should know that I expect that to work both ways," I informed him with a smile.

Jasper looked unaffected by my words. "Good. And just so there is no confusion, I haven't seen Maria in weeks. Her name is just a good one to use so that I have an excuse for disappearing sometimes. The others have met her and won't think anything of it."

"Thank you for telling me."

"You're welcome."

I remembered a question I had about earlier in the evening. "Why did everyone apologize out of nowhere?"

"We all had a talk. I told them that we needed to back off and stop being assholes. I didn't know they were going to say that they were sorry."

"So, they didn't mean it," I assumed.

He corrected me. "No, they meant it, or they wouldn't have said it.

His phone started ringing and interrupted our talk. After a quick glance at the name of the caller, he motioned for me to be silent and then answered. "What?". . . "Yeah, I'll be right there."

Jasper hung up his phone and looked irritated. "I've got to go help Emmett. Edward's starting up again, and Alice can't get him to calm down."

I moved off of his lap allowing him to stand up. "Will he be okay?"

"Yeah, it happens. He's actually gotten a lot better in the last few months. I just have to make sure that they get back home okay. They're all at the clearing. I'll be back before you know it."

"Be careful," I said as he walked out the door.

He sent me a sweet smile and then left.

With him gone, I took the time to explore the cabin. My first stop was the picture I noticed earlier. It looked to be a picture of a very young Jasper holding up a fish as he stood on the dock with an older man. The grin on his face was pure happiness. The man who I assumed to be his grandfather was squatted down next to him and looked so proud. The photo was in black and white as were the other ones surrounding it. The lack of color gave it a timeless quality that made me feel that it could have been taken yesterday or twenty years ago.

I moved on to the other picture that caught my eye. Edward was sitting on a picnic table with Alice sitting in between his legs. Her head was turned up at an angle so that they could stare into each other's eyes. Rosalie was leaning against the table smiling widely as Emmett stood turned towards her with an arm draped haphazardly around her waist. He was leaning down whispering in her ear, and she had her eyes closed as she listened to whatever he was saying. Jasper was sitting on the table but with a little distance from the others as he stared off into the distance. He had a small smile on his face that made me wonder what it was that caught his attention.

The picture was a perfect representation of the group. Alice and Edward wrapped up in each other. Emmett and Rosalie sharing a secret moment while still being among the group. Then there was Jasper. He was the only one aware of anything else going on outside of them. He looked relaxed and happy, but his separation was obvious. As usual, he was there but not there. It was odd.

I continued looking around and found two bedrooms and one bathroom. The first bedroom I found was the smallest and had a twin size bed. The walls were covered with dozens of drawings. Random objects that ranged from flowers to chairs to animals were represented. It was a hodge podge of images that held no rhyme or reason. No initials indicated who drew them but from the look of the paper they must have been years old.

The second room I entered was the bathroom. It was surprisingly large when one considered the small size of the house, and it also looked like it had been recently remodeled. There was a huge garden tub and a separate shower that was large enough to hold two people easily. The thought made me leave quickly and finish looking over the cabin.

The third and last room I found was the largest bedroom. It was significantly larger than the first bedroom and easily allowed for the king size wrought iron bed that was its centerpiece. The bed was huge with an ornate headboard in a weathered russet finish. It had no footboard which made it look even larger. With its gigantic pillows and autumn themed quilt, it practically invited a person to snuggle up and never leave. The walls of the room were paneled with wide slats of wood stained a warm chestnut color that gave the room a warm glow as light reflected off its surface. The room was too comfortable by half. I made myself back out slowly. This room presented me with too much temptation.

When I returned to the living room, I decided to go ahead and change into my pajamas and await Jasper's return. I picked up my bag and brought it to the smallest bedroom. I changed quickly into shorts and a tank top. I didn't have a robe so I slipped on an unbuttoned flannel long sleeved shirt that I always loved. It was much too large for me and reached my knees. I figured this would at least provide some of the coverage Jasper wanted me to have. After changing, I went to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.

I had packed a book and started reading it as I snuggled into the small bed. I read for about twenty minutes before my eyes started to droop with tiredness. I set my book aside and laid down. Within minutes, I was out like a light. It was a relaxing end to a wonderful day. Dreaming of Jasper would make it an even better night.


	13. Chapter 13 Apples

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 13 - Apples

For the second day in a row, I woke up with Jasper beside me. He was flat on his back, and I was lying on my side with my arm draped across his bare chest. I turned my head up and found him watching me. His eyes were still heavy from sleep revealing that he had just woken up as well. With his lips turned up in a small smile, he looked like he had a good night's sleep.

"Morning." His voice was still rough from sleep.

I responded by tightening my hold on his chest. "Good morning."

"I like this morning much better. Your brother isn't here," he mumbled.

His words made me chuckle. It was nice to wake up and not worry about someone finding us. It was too nice. This could become a dangerous habit. I knew that we wouldn't manage to keep things this innocent forever. Jasper wouldn't push me into anything, but I would fall all the same. If we kept things going, it was inevitable. As soon as that happened, things would change and not for the better. It worried me.

I tried to put some distance between us with my next words. "Why am I in here with you? Shouldn't I be in the little bedroom?"

Jasper closed his eyes and groaned in irritation. "I carried you in here when I got back. There is no way I am staying the night with you and sleeping in a different bed. It's not gonna happen."

"It would be smarter for both of us if you did."

"No."

I was getting frustrated. He couldn't possibly be blind to where all this would lead. Whatever this was between us, it was only going to last for so long. The closer we became, the more it would hurt when it ended. It sucked, but that was reality.

"We can't allow ourselves to become too wrapped up in each other. There's only a few ways this whole thing can end, and none of them are good. The closer we get. The worse it will be when it's over," I explained.

Jasper sat up suddenly and left the bed. He didn't say a word as he walked over to the dresser and pulled out some clothes before leaving the room. It was obvious that I made him mad again. I didn't regret my words. He needed to hear them.

I heard the shower turn on and decided it was time for me to get up as well. He had retrieved my bag from the little bedroom and set it on a chaise lounge in the corner of the room. His doing so was a message that this was our room. It amped up my worry and caused my stomach to twist. I was in too deep and didn't know how to get out. Worse yet, I didn't want out.

I brought my bag with me to the smaller bedroom and waited to take my turn in the shower. Jasper wouldn't like my change in location, but he would just have to get over it. I needed to protect my heart, and this was my only line of defense.

Ten minutes later, Jasper left the bathroom, and I took my turn. The shower was nice and helped relieve some of the tension I felt in my shoulders. The last two days had brought a lot of changes to my life and was stressing me out. Not for the first time did I question my sanity in this whole mess.

Rather than do anything with my hair, I left it to dry on its own and then dressed in my usual t-shirt and jeans. I then left the bathroom hoping that Jasper's mood had improved after having some time to think on my words.

I walked into the small bedroom and found that my bag was missing. He was really starting to make me angry. With a frustrated sigh, I returned to the other room, retrieved my bag and set it back where I wanted it. This was turning into a stupid game of move the bag.

I left the room and went looking for Jasper. I found him at the table in the kitchen eating a bowl of cereal. He looked up at me with a small smile and pointed to an empty bowl and spoon he had gotten out for me. Without saying anything, I sat down and made me a bowl. Jasper finished his just a few minutes later.

He finally broke the silence. "What do you want to do today?"

"What is there to do here?"

"I got movies. We could go on a walk. There's always the lake. You could stop being a damn prude and relax. We could listen to music. Oh, and there's talking. Girls love to talk," he smirked at me.

I whacked him in the arm and frowned. "I am not a prude."

"I love that you're sitting there all pissed off at me, when it's your own damn fault that you're mad in the first place."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "If you've got something you want to say, just say it."

Jasper shrugged his shoulders. "What the hell did you think would happen? I slept in your bed the night before last. Why wouldn't I do it here? You send out all these signals and then just change directions. You know what you want, but you don't have the guts to take it."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "I do these things for a reason."

"Look, I get it. You're afraid to get close to me. Fine. But, don't play some stupid game where you go back and forth on shit, and don't get mad at me when I make assumptions based on what you do."

He had a point. "I'm sorry. It was just trying to set some boundaries."

"You don't have to worry that I'm going to take advantage of you. I could have had you six different ways and in seven different locations by now judging from your inability to turn me down. I've set boundaries for myself. You can trust me."

I blushed furiously. Jasper was right. I had extremely poor control when it came to him, and he was never letting things between us go too far. My anger from before wasn't so much at him but at myself, because he certainly didn't deserve it. I couldn't even figure out why he did stop us from going further. It wasn't in his nature to deny himself, and I knew he wanted me. Most things about him were clear as day to me but not that.

"Why do you stop?" I finally asked.

A frown formed on his face. "I don't know. I just do. I thought it was because you were Emmett's sister, but I'm not so sure anymore. Everything about you is different. I can't explain it."

We stopped talking after that, and I finished up my cereal. Any feelings of anger and frustration I had were gone. I was tired of over-analyzing things. From now on, I would let things just happen. If I was going to do this, I was going to get everything out of it that I could.

* * *

Hours later, Jasper and I were driving to a neighboring town to get some groceries for when we were at the cabin. We had spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon out on the dock enjoying the sunny day. I knew that we wouldn't have many and didn't want to let one go to waste. He seemed to be of the same mind.

Our time was spent with him asking me question after question about my childhood. After I would get to the end of one story, he would demand another. It was if he needed to know every little detail of my life. I had always thought I was boring, but he seemed to find me endlessly fascinating. It was a nice change from feeling invisible to everyone. I was obviously not invisible to him. I was starting to wonder if he saw me the same way that I could see him.

When we arrived at the grocery store, he came to my side of the car and again helped me out. We walked hand in hand into the store. It felt like we were a couple. It was nice, but I couldn't help feeling nervous.

"You don't think we'll see anyone we know, do you?" I asked.

Jasper shook his head and gave me a reassuring smile. "We're far enough away from Forks. We should be good."

With his fearlessness, I wasn't surprised to hear his answer. He never worried about getting caught. He never seemed to worry about anything. I sent him a worried look, and he just smiled like he didn't have a care in the word.

He grabbed a shopping cart and started walking to the produce section. I didn't move. I just stood watching him walk away. When he noticed my absence, he turned around and gave me a curious look. It was nice to see him outside of school and the cabin. I liked it. It gave me a sense that him and I were real, even if I didn't know what we were.

Jasper crooked a finger at me, and I shook my head flashing him a smile. I had no clue what I was doing. I just wanted to stay there for a second and look at him. It was silly, but I had to do it. I knew that at school I wouldn't be free to enjoy watching him. I might as well enjoy the opportunity while I had it.

His patience finally wore out. "Bella?"

I walked over to him and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Sorry. I just like looking at you. You're so pretty."

He looked at me like I had lost my mind, which made me giggle. I was acting like a twelve-year-old girl, but I couldn't help it. Jasper made me happy, and I hadn't been happy in a long time. Just standing near him made me feel giddy.

"I will never understand you, will I?" he asked.

I smiled broadly and let out a big laugh. "Would you ever really want to? How boring would life be if we knew each other completely? I say that it would be very boring. So, could you please hold a piece of yourself back? I will spend my life happily searching for it but secretly hoping that I never find it."

"So, you want an unfinished puzzle. I'm a simple man, Bella. No pieces of me are so hard to find that you will need to even search for them."

I shook my head at him. "You, Jasper Whitlock, are the most complicated person I've ever met, and I relish each hidden piece of you that I find. Thousands of them lay around waiting patiently for someone to just take the time to look for them. You are anything but a simple man."

He stared at me like I had just given him the moon. My words hit him deep in his heart. Here was a man who everyone just accepted at face value, and here was me who looked for what was below the surface. For the first time, I realized that Jasper might be in just as much trouble from me as I was from him. He needed me. He just didn't know it yet.

My thoughts warmed me from within like the sun had just taken up residence in my heart. It was very freeing. Some of the burden I had been feeling about this relationship lifted like a veil. A new confidence welled up inside me, and I smiled the biggest smile of my life.

Jasper looked at me intently. "What is making you so happy?"

Of course, I couldn't tell him. "I just realized something. Someday, maybe, I'll tell you."

I then pulled on the front of the cart and led him into the produce section. Apples suddenly sounded very good right now. I just wondered if he would take one.

* * *

When we got back to the cabin, Jasper and I put away the few groceries that we bought and settled into the living room. It was late evening and our weekend was quickly coming to a close. Tomorrow brought with it a new day in more ways than one, but I pushed the thought out of my head and tried to focus on the present.

We were relaxing in the living room as we sat on the sofa. I was sitting with my back leaned up against the arm, and Jasper was sitting in the middle with my legs laying over the top of his. He absentmindedly rubbed his hands along the top of my legs as we tried to decide what to do with the rest of our day.

"Movie," he tossed out as a suggestion.

I wrinkled my nose and shook my head.

He thought for a second. "TV?"

"I'm not much of a TV girl," I answered.

Jasper gave me a wicked look. "Sex?"

I rolled my eyes and laughed.

He jokingly put his hand over his chest like I shot him. "You really know how to kill a man. Alright, how about a board game?"

What I really wanted to do was learn more about him. I was interested in why he rarely talked about football. It was odd that he never brought it up when it was such a big part of his life.

"No, what I really want is to ask you something," I requested.

He flinched in response. "What do you want to know?"

"Why don't you talk about football? Judging from what everyone says it's a big deal for you, but you only ever mentioned it that one day."

He moved my legs off of him and went to the fridge grabbing a couple of beers. After opening one and taking several long swallows, he sat down and looked at me. "All anyone cares about is football. It's all I'm good for to them."

"You know that's not true. Your friends could care less if you played, and I liked you before I even knew that you did," I explained honestly.

Jasper closed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm not talking about them or you. I'm talking about my dad and the school."

"Oh."

"It's funny, but my dad never paid me much attention until I started playing. Then, I was suddenly the greatest son in the world. At first, it was great, but then my freshman year we lost the last game of the season. It kept us out of the playoffs, and he didn't talk to me for a month. One day, I was the most important person in the world, and the next, I was invisible."

I should never have asked him. It hurt him to think about it, and I hated that I brought it up. Guilt shot through me as I watched him finish his first beer and crack open the second. My thoughts turned to Edward. I knew that he had a drinking problem, but no one ever mentioned anything about Jasper. I doubted he did, but I really wasn't sure.

He took another big drink. "The next year we made it to the playoffs but got knocked off in the semi-finals. He wasn't so pissed. It only took him two weeks to start talking again. I spent all my time practicing and preparing for the next season. All my focus was on doing what I needed to do to become the best. Junior year, we took it all the way to the end. We were the best. He bought me my new car, and I told him what a piece of shit I thought he was."

My eyes got big. Jasper took another drink and set the bottle down. "After I told him that, he got mad and informed me that I was only good for one thing. I hated him. I started doing everything I could to embarrass him. Skipped school, cheated, disappeared for a few days. He never even noticed. Nothing I do makes him see me. Now, it's football season again, but this year it's going to be different. I used to play for him. This year, I'm going to play for me."

He pulled me into his side and wrapped an arm around me. His words hurt me. I hated thinking about how his dad made him feel. Tears started welling up in my eyes as I started to get angry for him. "Your dad is an asshole," I said with a shaky voice.

Jasper turned to look at me. When he saw my tears, he brushed them away gently with his fingers. "Don't cry, angel. It doesn't matter," he tried reassuring me.

"Yes, it does matter," I said with trembling lips. "I hate that he treats you like that."

He kissed me gently on the forehead. "Well, I hate that your crying. I didn't mean to upset you."

"I just don't want you thinking that he is right. You aren't just good for football."

"I know that. It's just sad that he doesn't. You don't need to worry about me. I stopped letting his crap bother me a long time ago. I've got my friends, and I've got you now. Nothing else matters."

His words hit me like a brick. He including me in the things that mattered to him. It gave me even more hope that this could work.

Jasper interrupted my thoughts by patting my leg. "Go get ready for bed. It's late, and we have school tomorrow. One of us actually cares about that."

It was his signal that he was done talking for the night. I didn't blame him. He wasn't big on revealing anything about himself and probably regretted talking to me about his dad. I didn't regret hearing it. It was another piece, but this was one was given instead of being found.

I went to the little bedroom and got dressed for bed in another tank top and a pair of shorts. I again put on my overly large flannel shirt and returned to the living room. When I entered the room, Jasper looked at me and cocked an eyebrow. He couldn't possibly object to what I was wearing. It was virtually the same as what he saw me in this morning.

"What?" I asked.

He rubbed his chin and shook his head. "I'm just wondering where you got that shirt."

I fingered the fabric of my flannel shirt. "Jacob gave it too me."

His mouthed dropped open. "You're just screwin' with me, right?"

"Seriously, he gave it to me."

Jasper's eyes hardened with anger. "Take it off," he demanded.

"What? Why? I love this shirt," I said in confusion.

"You're not wearing a shirt around me that some guy gave you after doing God knows what with you. So, take the damn shirt off, Bella."

In what was quickly turning into a habit, I wanted to smack myself for being so stupid. He thought I slept with Jacob. Terrific. I was the biggest idiot in the world.

"Jasper, it's not like that. I told you that Jacob and I were more friends than anything else. I've probably kissed you more than I ever did him, and I was with him six months. Nothing else happened. We just weren't like that."

I took the shirt off and threw it on the love seat. "Are you happy now?"

His lips twitched into a smile. "Yes. You can't imagine how happy I am right now, but we'll leave that for another time."

I started to comment but was interrupted when Jasper's phone rang. We both frowned at the coffee table where he had left it earlier. He snapped it up in annoyance.

"What?" he growled.

The bad thing about listening to half a phone call was that you only got part of the conversation, and it was always the part that you didn't want to hear.

"I'm at Maria's . . . . I know they don't usually last this long, but she does this thing with her mouth. I can't even describe it. I think I'll keep her awhile."

I grabbed a pillow and hit him with it as hard as I could before stalking off to the other side of the room.

"What did you want anyway?" he asked with laughter in his voice.

Seconds later, he smiled like a rogue. "Sure, I'll take your sister to school tomorrow. It's no problem . . . . Yeah, bye."

Jasper hung up the phone and started laughing as he turned to look at me. He held an arm out and motioned for me to come over to him. "Come here, Bella."

"No," I pouted.

He smirked at me. "You came in here wearing another guy's shirt. I had to get a little pay back. Don't be mad. I swear I was just kidding."

Okay, I could kind of see what he was getting at, but I wasn't giving in this time. "You come here," I said with a flirtatious smile.

In what would be a first, he listened. Jasper walked slowly towards me with a seductive smile on his face. As usual, my body responded in an instant. I was determined that this time I wouldn't lose my head. He needed to see that I could control myself.

He stopped inches from me and gave me a challenging look. "Yes," he said drawing out the simple word.

I rubbed my tongue along my bottom lip, and his eyes darkened. I looked up at him through my eyelashes and motioned for him to lean down. "Come here, Jasper," I demanded in a husky voice.

He put his hands on my hips holding me still as he leaned down to where he was at my level. I raised my right hand and used it to run my fingers through his hair. His breath caught, and his lips parted. I moved my left hand up to his neck and lightly rubbed at a spot just below his ear.

"Bella," he moaned as he continued to lower his face to mine.

I tilted my head slightly and kissed his neck. He released a harsh breath and groaned loudly. I felt his hands leave my hips and expertly work their way under my tank top before moving slowly up my back. After taking a deep calming breath, I slowly kissed a line up to his ear.

I tugged lightly on his earlobe with my teeth and then whispered, "I'm ready for bed now, good night."

I then broke away from him and started in the direction of the little bedroom. Jasper was immobile for a few seconds before coming to his senses. In two short strides, he was on me. He picked me up like I weighed nothing and carried me in his arms to the larger bedroom. With his foot, he kicked the door shut behind him before striding forward and dropping me on the bed.

"You're sleeping in here if I have to tie you to the bed," he said sharply.

He then walked to the dresser and picked out some clothes before heading into the bathroom. I could have used the opportunity to escape, but he would have just gone to get me. Resigned to the situation, I pulled the covers back and settled into bed. I yawned loudly. There were far worse things in the world than sharing your bed with Jasper Whitlock.


	14. Chapter 14 Foot In Mouth

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 14 - Foot in Mouth

When we arrived at school on Monday, Emmett was waiting in the parking lot with the rest of the group. Everyone looked happy so I figured we were in the clear. Jasper told me we didn't have anything to worry about, but it was hard to make myself not feel a little nervous.

We agreed to not talk so that we could keep up appearances. After the weekend we had, it would be hard not to look at him or talk to him. Neither of us was looking forward to the day. On the drive over, both of our moods gradually went downhill as we left our world and slowly returned to reality.

When we came to a stop, Emmett opened my door and helped me out. He gave me a huge smile before handing me my car's keys. "I can't believe I didn't leave you the keys to my truck so you could get to school today. I hope that jerk of a friend of mine didn't give you too hard of a time."

I smiled up at my big brother. It was nice to have him start treating me like he used to when we were kids. "Don't worry about it. Jasper didn't complain. Of course, he didn't talk to me either, but I am starting to think he's just vocally challenged. It would be wrong of me to blame him for something he can't help."

I may have been laying it on a little thick, but I didn't want anyone to think that Jasper and I were any closer than we were when the group last saw us. No one even blinked twice at my words, which made me wonder if I was a good actress or if they just thought that there was no chance of us being together. The latter hurt just a bit, but of the two, it was the more likely.

Alice walked forward and looked me over from head to toe. I had to stop myself from flinching back from the appraising look in her eyes. I didn't know what she was looking for, but I wasn't going to give her any reason to find anything.

"What?" I asked nervously.

Around me, everyone started laughing except for Jasper. He had an irritated look on his face. Some how, he knew what she was thinking and didn't approve. I found myself more curious after seeing his reaction.

To my left I heard Emmett stop laughing. "Run, Bella. Run," he encouraged me.

Rosalie rolled her eyes at him, and Edward stepped forward and put his arms around Alice as if he were holding her back.

Alice ignored him and tapped her index finger on her chin. "Bella, don't take this the wrong way, but I think we should start working on your wardrobe. A little makeup would be good, too. You are really not playing up all of your assets."

I shook my head vigorously at Alice. "No. I like me the way I am."

"Of course you like you the way you are, I just think you would like you better if you made a little effort," she explained like it was obvious.

"No."

Alice pouted. "I'll wear you down eventually. Why not just give in now? You'll save us both a lot of time and energy."

"No."

Before Alice had another chance, Jasper spoke up. "Al, leave her alone. She doesn't want to be a clone like everyone else."

"Are you calling me a clone?" Alice growled.

Jasper raised an eyebrow at her and shook his head. "Everyone in this school is a clone of you and Rose. Bella is the only girl here who does what she wants instead of what she thinks you two would do."

I smiled up at him. "Thank you."

He gave me a quick nod before turning and walking away. We all followed behind him on our way to the front of the school. His words put an end to her plans. I was relieved. I smiled privately thinking that it was nice to see my hero use his powers for good.

With fifteen minutes left until school started, I went in search of Angela. She usually showed up early and would spend that time in the library. Her plans were no different today. I found her in her usual spot in one of the corners of the room. She was alone, which fit into my plans perfectly.

"Good morning, Angela," I greeted her as I took a seat next to her.

She smile warmly. "Morning. How was your weekend?"

I couldn't help the big grin that took over my face. "It was really good."

My reaction to her question got her attention immediately. "What did you do?"

"Can you keep a secret?" I asked.

I knew I could trust her. She was probably the nicest person that I had ever met. There was an innate goodness about Angela that most people lacked. I never once heard her say anything negative about anyone. It was a refreshing change from most of the people that I was around.

After explaining my arrangement with Jasper, Angela reluctantly agreed to help us. She never once warned me about him as Alice had. She actually seemed to have a good opinion of him. All she did was ask me to be careful. I agreed knowing that it was a lie.

* * *

Two hours later, Alice and I walked into third period Calculus five minutes late. She had stolen me away to the bathroom to discuss my 'potential'. It was an irritating lecture on the value of mascara. How my life could change by sticking a muddy wand near my eye, I couldn't comprehend, but she seemed to think it was important. I just nodded my head absently and listened as she went from makeup, to clothes I should wear, and then on to the magical world of shoes. Alice could have been explaining string theory for all it meant to me.

When we walked into class, I expected to see Jasper and was disappointed to find that he was missing. Calculus was the one class we shared besides Study Hall, and the jerk skipped. If he was going to do that, the least he could do was invite me along. If I had to suffer through school, he should have to as well. Alice also seemed surprised to see him gone, which was an interesting development. His group usually made skipping school a group activity.

I spotted him an hour later on my way to the library. Jasper was walking in from the parking lot with his head down reading a sheet of paper. I couldn't stop the secretive smile that formed on my face, or the blush that stained my cheeks when I saw him. Sensing my presence, Jasper looked up and caught me watching him. The slow wink he sent me made my heart flutter. I averted my eyes and quickly went inside the building. Being near him was too risky. All of my instincts were demanding that I go to him, but I couldn't.

Lunch didn't come soon enough. On my way into the cafeteria, I noted that my brother and his friends had already arrived. I was especially careful to keep my eyes from wandering to their table. After picking up a tray of food, I went to meet Angela at our table. She looked excited to see me, and soon, I found out why.

She slid an envelope over to me and smiled. "I have a present for you."

My hands clenched into fists as I fought back the need to grab the thin white piece of paper that sat in front of me. I wanted to rip it open and devour the contents. After waiting a minute to calm myself, I picked it up and carefully tore through the top. I found a key and a note.

B,

I've got plans with the boys this afternoon.  
I won't be able to see you, but I'll be thinking about  
you. Alice is going to try to force you to go with  
her and Rose. Have fun if you go, but don't let them  
mess with your face. You're beautiful without all  
that crap.

J

I picked up the key and rubbed my thumb over the groves in the metal. The key said much more than the note, and I loved it. If it wasn't the lamest idea in the word, I would get a chain and wear it on my neck. Heck, I might do that anyway.

Angela cleared her throat to get my attention. "What's the key for?"

My face split into a huge smile. I allowed myself a quick peek at Jasper who was listening to Alice. She looked like she was reading him the riot act about skipping school without her getting to come along, while he looked extremely pleased with himself. Of course, he felt that way. The sneak had skipped class to make me a key for our little home away from home. It was an absurd thing to do, but something he felt the need to do at the earliest opportunity. There was no way he knew how sweet that was. If so, he would never have done it.

"Bella," Angela said pulling my attention back to her.

"Huh."

She laughed softly. "You really have it bad."

"We're just friends. Really. I swear," I said trying to convince myself as well as her.

Angela shook her head. "Bella, you're glowing, and Jasper isn't much better. You have his complete attention. It's like he is standing next to you instead of across the room, and even though he isn't looking at you, it's like he's touching you. I've never seen anything like it. "

I looked down at the table avoiding her eyes. "You have it all wrong."

"I wish I did," she said sadly.

I decided a change in subject was needed. Angela and I focused too much on me sometimes, and we needed to put some of the spotlight on her. I knew she still had a crush on Ben Cheney. I had tried to convince her to talk to him, but she refused.

"How's it going with Ben," I asked.

Her eyes lit up. "He called me this weekend."

"Really. What did he say?"

"He left his Calculus book at school and asked if he could borrow mine."

I clapped my palms together in excitement. "Oh, Ang. That's great."

Angela cheeks turned a bright red. "He's my neighbor. I was just convenient."

"You are so full of it. Ben Cheney is Super Student. He's never forgotten a book in his life."

"You think so?" she asked hopefully.

"Of course, he just needed a reason to call you. Let me ask you this. Was Calculus the only thing you talked about?"

The corners of her mouth turned up into a small smile. "No, we talked about other stuff," she said shyly.

"And you say I have it bad."

"Stop it. I'm not near as bad," Angela laughed. "Ben is just so different from other guys. He is always so friendly and sweet. I love that he is smart. He's just . . . great."

We spent the rest of lunch talking and laughing about the boys in our life. It was a silly hour that wasn't the norm for us. Both Angela and I were pretty serious minded people, but it was nice to break out into giggles for a bit. Even still, I couldn't help but take a few peeks in Jasper's direction. Our eyes meet a few times sending chills down my arm. Angela was right. I really did have it bad.

Study Hall was an exercise in restraint. Being so close to him but unable to do anything was frustrating in the extreme. There was an uneasy tension between us that stretched across the room. It was a miracle no one seemed to pick up on it. I just hoped that after a few days of this it would become easier.

James provided the only problem of the hour. When he came through the door, I was already sitting at my desk. He took the usual seat in front of me and turned his whole desk so that we were almost facing each other. I groaned inwardly. The new angle of the chair made it easier to talk and would not go unnoticed by Emmett and the others.

"Bella, I know you said that we weren't really going anywhere. I get that, but I think as friends we should still be able to spend time together," he explained.

Emmett entered the room followed by his friends. The scowl on his face was hard to miss and was mirrored by Jasper and Alice. In contrast, Edward and Rosalie looked on in amusement. No one said anything, which came as a big surprise. When they finally got settled at their desks, they all slipped into their usual banter.

With only a few minutes left in class, James decided to continue our conversation from earlier. "So, I was thinking that if you don't have any plans after school we could meet somewhere."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the room went quiet. Everyone turned to look at us and waited to see what I would say. I sat there like a deer caught in the headlights. My mind went blank. I couldn't come up with a single excuse.

After a few seconds, Alice jumped in to save me. "Sorry, Romeo. Bella is going shopping with us girls."

Terrific. I would have almost rather gone with James and suffered the wrath of Jasper than have to go shopping. This sucked.

"She's right. We made plans earlier," I lied.

Not to be deterred, James piped up again. "Tomorrow then."

Emmett took his turn saving me. "Bella and I turn eighteen tomorrow. We are having dinner with our dad and some friends."

This sucked worse. Though I lived with Charlie, we hadn't spoken hardly at all in the time since I arrived. Dinner with him would be hell. Hopefully, Emmett was just lying.

James huffed loudly. "If I ask about Wednesday, will you be flying to Egypt?"

"No, she'll be waterskiing in Switzerland," Edward answered mockingly.

The others laughed, and I started feeling guilty. James was just trying to be friendly. Why did they have to be such jerks? Their treatment of James reminded me of how they treated me sometimes. I knew how much that hurt, and I was tired of watching them do it to someone else.

My mouth moved before my brain could act. "Actually, I am free on Wednesday. How about we make some plans with Angela?" I offered.

Birds sang, crickets chirped, and the bell rang for class to end.

* * *

On my list of favorite things, shopping with Rosalie and Alice would fall just behind visiting the dentist. Clothes just didn't interest me at all. I rarely noticed what other people wore and couldn't tell you what I wore half the time. I understood that other people weren't like that, but I just didn't care.

I watched as Alice held up yet another dress. "This is perfect."

It was a belted polo sweaterdress in teal blue. After trying it on, I knew immediately that I would buy it, and I wasn't even a dress person. It was conservative but still managed to look fun and flirty. The deciding factor was that it made me feel good, and I knew that I could wear it without feeling self-conscious. I also thought that it would have the added benefit of shutting Alice up. I was wrong.

"Ohhh, now that you're starting to warm up to this, we'll really have to start looking," Alice squealed.

I rolled my eyes as she drug me over to the next rack of clothes. Rosalie laughed at my discomfort, which caused me to send a sharp glare her way.

"That dress really does look good on you," Rosalie stated with no hint of sarcasm.

I was shocked. It was probably the first nice thing she had ever said to me. "Thanks, Rosalie."

She picked up on my shock and shrugged. "You're welcome. Thanks for letting Alice have her fun."

Letting Alice have her fun wouldn't be near so bad if I hadn't figured out her plan. I didn't miss the fact that her wanting to work on my appearance aligned with my having arrived with Jasper for school. She would know that he hated too much makeup and the overly styled looks that she was trying to push on me. This shopping excursion was not about friendship or clothes. It was about loading me up with stuff designed to turn him off and other boys on. She had already not so casually mentioned a few names of boys from school. I was ignoring her for the most part and only occasionally nodded my head as I pretended to listen.

We worked our way over to the lingerie section, and I picked out a few pairs of pajamas that would provide me some additional coverage for any future sleepovers with my secret friend. Unless Jasper had a secret lumberjack fetish, they would work perfectly.

Alice didn't approve of my selections. "You even sleep in boring clothes. I just don't know what to do with you. Just because no one is going to see you doesn't mean you can't be sexy."

She held up a frilly slip thing that made me snort with laughter. It was see through. If she only knew who would be seeing that, she would burn it and the rest of the rack she was looking through.

I shook my head vigorously. "No. I don't live in a bordello, Alice. I'm not buying that."

Rosalie gave a shout of laughter. "Don't you have that in red, Al?"

"Yes," Alice clipped out.

Great. I just implied that my friend lived in a whorehouse. "Sorry," I offered sheepishly.

We wrapped up the shopping trip and were now on our way back to my house. They were going to drop me off and join the guys for the rest of the evening. Everyone was supposed to the meet at my house and then head to the clearing. I was invited along but opted to pass. It sounded great, but I knew that Jasper was mad at me, which meant I would end up having zero fun.

After I made plans with James for Wednesday, Jasper left Study Hall without so much as a glance in my direction. I cursed my stupid mouth for getting me into trouble, but it was too late to do anything about it. Besides, it wasn't a date. Angela was going to be with us. Jasper would just have to accept that I could have male friends. It wasn't like he was my boyfriend. I could do what I wanted as long as I didn't date anyone. Besides, I was getting a little bit tired of playing follow the leader. My eyes were starting to open, and they didn't like everything that they saw.

"Bella," Rosalia said trying to get my attention.

I turned to look at her. "Yes."

"We need to talk about your little friendship with James," she explained.

Finally some answers. "What about it?"

"He's not a good guy. You need to watch yourself with him."

I saw that Alice was nodding her head in agreement. "What's the deal with this guy? Why don't you like him?" I asked.

Rosalie glanced back at me. "What did James tell you?"

I explained how James told me that him and Charlie were friends but that Emmett had a problem with it, which caused James to stop coming around. Alice and Rosalie exchanged looks.

"That's all true, but it's not the whole story," Alice explained. "At first, Emmett was cool with it, but then he found out what James was arrested for."

"What was he arrested for?" I asked. I might have known that James was innocent, but I was still curious about why he was arrested.

"He was accused of beating up his mom," Rosalie answered. "He denied it, and she ended up changing her mind about pressing charges."

This didn't make any sense. "Why would Charlie befriend the guy if he beat up his mother?"

"Your dad didn't believe her. James' mom has a history of mental illness and makes wild accusations all the time," Alice explained.

This whole thing was like a whirlpool of missing links. Nothing was coming together to make a clear picture. The only thing that helped was that James had told me he was innocent. "I don't get it. Does Emmett think that James is actually guilty?"

Rosalie looked out the passenger window and stared into the distance. "Emmett doesn't want to take the risk that it's true. He thinks the guy is bad news and doesn't want him around Alice and me. No evidence exists to prove that James is guilty, but all of the guys believe him to be capable of it."

I was starting to get angry. "So, all of you hate the guy because his crazy mother makes up some story about him. How is that fair? Isn't a person supposed to be innocent until proven guilty?"

"See this is why no one wanted to say anything. Emmett knew you wouldn't listen. He told us that you would defend James," Alice said in an angry voice.

This is ridiculous. "How can I not? Rosalie said that there was no evidence, and my own father, who is the chief of police, doesn't believe it."

"Bella, it all comes down to trust. We trust Emmett, Jasper, and Edward's judgment. If they say the guy is bad news, we believe them," Alice said speaking for both herself and Rosalie.

"Oh absolutely, trust the judgment of the three biggest troublemakers in school. That makes perfect sense."

The mood inside the car changed abruptly. There was a chill in the air that could freeze fire. I knew the second the words were out of my mouth that I shouldn't have said them. It was a repeat of Study Hall. I shot my mouth off before my brain could stop me. I knew beyond anything that I trusted Jasper, but I also knew that he was not infallible. He didn't like James, and it affected his judgment.

Rosalie started talking to Alice like I was no longer in the car. "I told you that you were wrong. She'll never be one of us."

That pissed me off. "Oh, I'm sorry if I don't blindly follow where I'm led. I like to make up my own mind rather than have someone do it for me."

What a joke that statement was. Here lately, I would have let Jasper Whitlock lead me off a cliff if he promised to jump alongside me. I was a hypocrite, and it burned.

"Just keep flapping those lips without the benefit of using your brain. You'll see what that gets you," Rosalie threatened.

"Yeah, you keep flippin' that hair like you're cooking pancakes. That'll teach me," I snapped back.

Rosalie turned in her seat and glared at me with hate in her eyes. "If you weren't Emmett's sister, parts of you would be buried throughout the woods. You should really shut your mouth before I accidentally forget."

I smirked at her. "Hey Rose, you know what the little doggy said to the big doggy? Bark, Bark, Bark."

She unfastened her seat belt and reached into the backseat to grab me just as Alice hit the brakes to pull into my driveway. Rosalie went flying back into the dashboard. Fortunately, she didn't hit it hard enough to hurt herself. Unfortunately, she hit it hard enough to make herself even angrier.

We got out on opposite sides of the car, and she ran screaming to my side to pummel me. For the second time in a week, we were in a fight. As before, we were stopped by my brother and Jasper. Curse my rotten luck. I was more than ready for a piece of that bitchy blond.

Jasper pulled me away from her and angled himself in front of me. It was a protective stance he didn't use the last time. Little details like this would give us away, but he was too caught up in the moment to realize it.

"Don't you touch her Rose," Jasper ordered.

_Just tape a sign to us you stupid ass. _My brain yelled.

Rosalie was screaming and fighting against Emmett's hold on her. "Let go of me. I'll kill that bitch. Dammit, let me go."

Her overly dramatic display had everyone's attention and no one even bothered to look at Jasper and me. The guy was honestly the luckiest man on the planet. He could step in a pile of crap and find a diamond.

Jasper turned and whispered in my ear. "Let's get you inside. Rose won't calm down until you get out of sight."

I nodded up at him and let him guide into my house. When I turned back to check out what everyone else was doing, I saw Edward watching us carefully. Our eyes meet, and I could tell that he suspected something.

When we got inside, Jasper threw himself on the couch and laid down. He used his fingers to massage his temples and let out a frustrated groan. "Why do have to make things so difficult? You fight with my friends. You date my enemies. What the hell are you going to do next?"

_Whatever I want. I'm not on strings, and you're not my boss. _

I sat down on the recliner and rocked back and forth nervously. "Jasper, I think Edward suspects something."

He let out another groan. "I don't give a shit if Edward suspects something. That's the least of my worries."

"I know you're mad at me about James, but . . ."

Jasper interrupted before I could finish speaking. "I'm not mad. Sure, I don't want my girl meeting some other guy, but I know why you did it. Hell, my idiot friends practically pushed you into it by making you feel sorry for him."

Him calling me his girl sent my heart soaring. I smiled at him like a fool. "You just called me your girl."

"You are my girl, and my girl keeps frustrating the hell out of me. I'm used to people doing what I want them to do. You come along and have a mind of your own and don't listen for shit. Not to mention, you're too nice by half."

I was still running through the field of flowers created by those two simple words that when combined made me feel like I touched the sky. I was floating on a cloud right now. It was heaven.

"Bells, are you listening to me?" Jasper asked.

I danced back down to the ground on winged feet. "Yeah," I answered in a higher voice than normal.

"Sure you were. What's with the spaced out eyes and the glow on your face?" he asked.

The front door opened and burst my bubble. Reality sucked.

I paid particular attention to Edward when he walked in the house. He looked us both over, and any previous suspicion from before seemed to evaporate. It was a relief.

Alice carried my bags in and set them in front of me. "I'm tired of the drama. Can we leave now?" she asked.

Jasper sat up on the couch. "Yeah, I'm bored. Let's get out of here."

After his pronouncement, the crew filed out like little soldiers. I was starting to wonder if they danced on command as well. It was pathetic how he decided everything for everyone. What was more pathetic was the hurt in my heart when he left so abruptly. His departure left me feeling cold and empty, but in a strange way, it left my brain free and clear.


	15. Chapter 15 Disasters and Denial

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 15 - Disasters and Denial

I've always hated birthdays. Today would be my eighteenth, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. I had a little over fifteen minutes before I could leave school and go home. Classes had ended for the day an hour ago, but I was waiting for this week's meeting of Mrs. Cullen's group to let out.

This week we were discussing Ayn Rand's novella _Anthem_. The themes of the book mirrored my concerns over Jasper and his friends. There was too much _We_ and not enough _I_ coming from that group. Sure, none of them were assigned numbers instead of names, but they still let someone else have too much control over them.

To be perfectly honest, the similarities were a stretch. I was just in a bad mood. Associating Jasper with a collectivist society was my way of striking back at his having spent the day ignoring me completely. Not once did I see him even look at me.

"Bella, what do you think of the choice of the name Prometheus?" someone asked me.

I looked over and realized that Ben Cheney was the person who interrupted my thoughts. "Oh, it makes sense. Prometheus stole fire from Zeus and gave it to the mortals. It seems fitting. Plus, I appreciate the Greek mythology connection to _Atlas Shrugged_."

There, that had to make it sound like I was at least paying a little attention, which I wasn't. Reading Ayn Rand was interesting but not exactly my cup of tea. I could appreciate the message, though I didn't necessarily agree with all of it. What I really hated was how long it took to get to the message. The maze created by her two biggest works was just a little too heavy and long for me.

When the discussion finally ended, I said my goodbyes to everyone and left. Angela walked with me to my car. She was busy talking about the incredible Ben Cheney while I focused on not slipping on the wet sidewalk. It had been raining most of the day, and I wanted to avoid any clumsy accidents. It had been months since my last visit to the emergency room, and I wanted to keep that streak going.

I said a final goodbye to Angela and was just fixing to leave when she pulled out a familiar white envelope from her purse and handed it to me.

"Jasper told me not to give you this until after the meeting," she explained. "I gotta go, now. Ben's giving me a ride home. Happy Birthday, Bella."

Five minutes later, I was still in the school parking lot with the envelope in my hand. I wanted to open it but felt scared. My confidence was shot from him having ignored me all day, and I was worried about the contents. After the way he had left my house yesterday in such a cold manner, I felt I had good reason. I finally decided to just get it over with and opened the envelope.

B,  
After dinner, meet me at the cabin.  
Prepare for another sleepover. Tell  
everyone you're staying with Angela.  
J

Jasper thought I would just jump as soon as he snapped his fingers. It was annoying. Not to mention, he assumed I would stay the night. He was right of course. I would jump, and I would stay all night. He knew it, and I knew it. The part that irritated me the most was that he knew how much I valued our time together and took advantage of that to always get what he wanted. I really needed to stop letting him control everything. It wasn't healthy, and it was only going to lead to more trouble.

* * *

I walked into the restaurant alone. It was a few minutes before I was scheduled to meet Emmett and Charlie, and I was nervous. When I gave the hostess my name, she informed me that I was the first of my party to arrive. She then escorted me to a large round table that had eight chairs. Sitting at this huge table all alone was uncomfortable to say the least. Luckily, it only lasted a few minutes. To my surprise, James walked up and sat down to my right.

"Happy Birthday, Bella," he said.

I smiled brightly. "Thank you. Uhmm. What are you doing here?"

James laughed. "I saw Charlie yesterday and told him that you and I were friends. He invited me to come along."

I was willing to bet the he saw Charlie yesterday only after going to look for him. James would do anything to get under Emmett's skin, and this would work all too well.

"That was nice of him," I lied.

Right after I said that, Charlie walked up and sat on my left. He looked over at me and nodded his head in greeting. No words just a head nod. Typical.

My dad seemed to have no problems talking to James. "Are you ready for the game Friday?"

James jumped on the subject with gusto. "Oh, yeah. It should be an easy win. We aren't expecting another challenge until we play Arnett Ridge next month. They have nine returning starters and made it pretty far last year. It should be a good game."

"Those boys play rough from what I hear," Charlie added.

My heart dropped out of my chest. I turned to Charlie. "What do you mean they play rough?"

My dad sputtered for a second from the shock of my actually speaking to him. He finally got his tongue under control after a minute. "They have a reputation for knocking people out of a game. They key in on the good players and take them out if possible."

I felt the blood drain from my face. Fear for Jasper, Emmett, and the others clouded my brain. James picked up on it immediately. He grabbed my hand under the table and squeezed it gently. With his right hand, he touched my face and turned it towards him.

"Bella, it will be fine. You don't need to worry. We have a reputation for doing the same thing, and it's completely unfounded. We would never do that, and I doubt they would either. Everyone wants a good clean game," James explained in a gentle voice.

A booming voice sounded behind us. "What the hell are you doing here?" Emmett asked having just walked up. "And take your hand off my sister's face," he demanded in a threatening voice.

James ignored him and continued looking in my eyes. "Charlie invited me."

After gifting me with a small smile, James dropped his hand from my face but kept a hold of my hand under the table. When I went to pull it away from him, he frowned and then released it. Being my friend was just something he was going to have to accept.

Emmett stalked around to the other side of Charlie and took a seat. A pouty Rosalie trailed behind. I then found myself staring into Jasper's blue eyes. He was doing a good job of disguising the anger he must have felt over James touching me, but his clenched jaw and stiff posture let me know that he was not happy. His mood would only continue to go down hill as the night continued.

After Edward and Alice showed up, the waiter came and took our orders. Dinner went by slowly. My dad made a point of talking to everyone at the table but me. It wouldn't have been so bad except for how obvious it was. Several times, I witnessed different members of our party glance between the two of us. It was making me more and more uncomfortable as the minutes ticked by at a crawl.

The only person who was oblivious was Emmett. He was so accustomed to it that he didn't even notice. Jasper wasn't so unobservant. As each minute went by and Charlie continued to ignore me, Jasper grew more and more angry. I expected him to lose his temper at any time.

The moment arrived at the end of dinner when Charlie told the waiter that we were all gathered in celebration of Emmett's birthday.

Jasper gave Charlie a cold stare. "Funny. I thought it was Bella's birthday, too. You know the daughter you have sitting next to you that you've been ignoring all evening."

The table went silent at his words. Charlie didn't bother turning in my direction. He locked eyes with Jasper and tried to stare him down. "Do you have a problem, young man?"

"Yeah, I have a problem. My problem is piece of shit fathers who ignore their children," Jasper answered in a harsh tone.

I decided to intervene before things went any further. "Jasper, it's not a big deal."

His eyes broke from my father and turned to me. "It is a big deal," he said before turning to look at my brother. "Emmett, you're an even bigger shit for sitting there and letting him do it."

After hearing that, I decided to leave. Staying would just make me cry, and I didn't want to do that. I threw my napkin on the table and left the restaurant. They could sort out the argument.

No one followed me. I got in my car and drove off without a clear destination in mind. If I went home, I would have to face Charlie and most likely Emmett as well. If I kept my plans with Jasper, I would have to see him, and I hadn't decided yet if I was mad at him or not. It was nice of him to defend me, but it wouldn't solve any problems. All it would do was make things worse.

I drove around aimlessly for an hour until I finally made up my mind. Jasper was the lesser of two evils. He also had the added benefit of being the only person who could make me feel better.

When I pulled up to the cabin, he was leaning up against the front door waiting for me. I stepped out of my car and slammed the door shut. Beyond that, I couldn't make myself move. I simply stood were I was and looked at Jasper.

His face was full of uncertainty. No doubt, he expected me to be angry, but I wasn't. I was just tired. Tired of my dad and my brother and everyone else. Tired even of the man in front of me who was slowly becoming too important to me. Parts of me were starting to get lost when I was with him. It was as if I could only be half of who I was. Initially, I had barely noticed and went along blindly. Today, I was missing myself. I was missing my strength. I was missing a simpler time when lies didn't rule my life and my head didn't swim with uncertainty.

Jasper pushed away from the wall and walked towards me. Seeing him move got my feet working. I moved forward and met him half way. We both stopped with just feet separating us.

He ducked his head. "I'm sorry that I upset you. I just couldn't sit back and not say anything. Your dad is a bigger ass than mine."

I smiled wryly. "Aren't we a pair? If both of our fathers are asses, what does that make us?"

"Lucky to have found each other," he answered softly.

The words caused my heart to swell, and my eyes to well up with tears. It only helped to further my pain. As the tears started to slide down my cheekbones, Jasper reached forward to wipe them away, but I stepped backwards out of his reach.

My bottom lip started trembling with emotion. "Quit saying things that make me like you more. Every word out of your mouth makes me want to love you, and I can't do that. All it will do is make me hurt more when this is over."

I wiped my own tears away. "I'm tired of everything feeling right and wrong all of the time, Jasper. It's getting to be too much. I hate feeling like this."

Jasper reached out for me again causing me to back up another step. "Bella, I know you're upset. Just try to calm down," he begged in a gentle voice.

Through the tears in my eyes, I watched him carefully. The expression in his eyes and on his face was not one I expected. "Why do you look scared?" I asked him.

He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "I'm afraid because I don't know what to say. I'm afraid that whatever I do say will make you leave. I'm so damn afraid of everything right now, but mostly I'm afraid because nothing feels right if you're not with me. If you leave, I know that nothing will ever feel right again."

His words and the emotion behind them drew me away from the edge that I had been stumbling towards. Had I of kept going, it would have ended things between us before they even had a real chance to get started. I couldn't do that. Not now that I was certain he cared for me as much as I cared for him. I ran into his arms and let him hold me.

Jasper wrapped me tightly into his chest and whispered calming words into my ear. I breathed him in and allowed myself to slowly let go of all my fears. After several minutes, I was finally able to look up at him without having to worry about losing it again.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"No more apologies from either of us. Let's just go inside and leave the rest of the world behind. This is our place. All of the crap can stay in Forks where it belongs. Here it is just us."

I nodded my head in understanding. Jasper stepped away from me and retrieved my bag from the car before escorting me inside. When we walked through the front door, we were back in our bubble, and I was lost again.

* * *

The next morning we left the cabin ten minutes apart. Jasper left first so that he could get a feel for what I might be walking into. We didn't discuss what happened after I left the restaurant last night, and I was only now regretting my lack of information. Once we had walked inside the cabin, neither one of us wanted to bring up anything that would have upset me again.

I arrived at school to find Emmett and his friends waiting for me in the parking lot. Jasper was with them and had a hard look on his face, which wasn't a good sign.

When I stepped out of my car, Emmett walked forward and looked me over. "How is it that you didn't come home last night, but you're wearing different clothes?"

My mind went blank. I had nothing to explain my appearance. Nothing. Why did have to pick today of all days to pay attention to what I was doing? Did last night encourage this new found interest?

"She stayed with me last night. That's my shirt she's wearing," a female voice explained from my right.

I looked over and was relieved to find that Angela had walked up next to me. I didn't know how she managed to be in the right place at the right time, but I wasn't going to complain.

Emmett still looked suspicious. "If she stayed with you, why didn't she bring you to school?"

A male voice spoke up to answer his question. "I brought Angela to school. She's my girlfriend after all," Ben Cheney explained.

This put an end to Emmett's questions. Frustrated with the answers he got, he shook his head and walked off without apologizing. His friends followed behind him with Jasper being the last to leave. When I glanced up at him, he winked at me before walking off to join his friends. I couldn't hide the grin that formed on my face. Just like always, he anticipated a problem and fixed it.

I turned to speak to Angela and Ben who were holding hands with each other. "Thank you both for helping me out. That was a close one for me. I'm sorry you have to pretend to be dating to cover for me."

"We're not pretending. Ben asked me last night," Angela said with a smile on her face.

"That's the best news I've heard in weeks. You two just made my day. In more ways than one, I might add," I admitted.

I walked over to my car and set my books on the hood. I tore a piece of paper out of one of my notebooks and jotted down a quick note.

J,  
You amaze me. Is there  
anything you can't do?  
B

I handed the note to Angela who promised to deliver it to Jasper in Home Economics. All three of us then walked to the front of school. It was funny, but I now I had my own crew of friends. It was a nice feeling.

When lunch came around, Angela slid me a familiar envelope. I grabbed it up and opened it immediately.

B,  
The only thing I can't do is stay away from you.  
You are an angel who could tempt the Devil himself.  
Unfortunately, we'll have to put some distance  
between us for the rest of the week. You were right  
about Edward being suspicious. Where he goes, Alice  
will follow. So, we'll have to be extra careful.  
J

I quickly slipped the note into my book bag. Being away from him was going to kill me. I couldn't possibly last a whole week. The thought made me lean down and bang my head on the table in frustration.

Angela laughed at me. "Stop that. With your luck, you'll give yourself a concussion."

She was right I would give myself a concussion. "So, how fast did Jasper have to work this morning to get you and Ben in on his plan? " I asked after raising back up.

"He met me in the library and explained your problem. I grabbed Ben, and we went out to do damage control. It was all very sudden. Jasper wasn't even sure that you would need our help, but he asked anyway."

When lunch ended, I left for Chemistry. After I arrived at my class, I discovered that Edward was already there. I cringed when I saw him. He could potentially cause a lot of problems for me.

As soon as I sat down, he started talking. "I know what you're up to, Bella."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

I was suspicious of him right away. He could be trying to trick me into admitting something that he wasn't really sure of. Playing dumb was my best bet.

"Look. You don't have to say anything. All you need to know is that I talked to Jasper and agreed not to say anything. Hell, I even offered to help him. It's the least I could do after everything he has done for me," Edward explained.

I gave him a blank look and shrugged my shoulders. "I still don't know what you're talking about."

"Alright, I'll drop it, but if you ever need my help, just let me know," he offered.

My curiosity got the better of me. "If we were doing what you seem to suspect us of, why would you help us?"

Edward turned to me and met my eyes with a serious look. "Jasper needs someone to be to him what Alice is to me. I think you might be that person. If I'm right, things will work out great. If not, shit will fall apart pretty quick, but I've decided that it's worth the risk. Girls like you don't come along every day."

His words made me smile, but I wasn't about to admit to anything. "I'm still lost, Edward. Maybe we should talk about something else."

We talked about what happened when I left last night. I hadn't wanted to talk to James about it but talking to Edward seemed natural. He had somehow managed to gain some of my trust even if I wasn't quite sure about him and his motives regarding my relationship with Jasper.

"After you left, everyone started arguing at once. Emmett yelled at Jasper, which caused Alice to jump in to defend Jasper. That got me started because Rosalie jumped on Alice. The whole thing became one big argument between the five of us. Charlie and James didn't join in. They just sat there listening to the whole thing, which pissed Jasper off even more," he explained in one big mass of words before pausing to catch his breath.

Edward continued the story a moment later. "The whole thing got out of hand. The manager of the restaurant asked us to leave. So, we took it outside. James left pretty quickly, but Charlie stayed. He told Jasper to mind his own business, and Emmett agreed with your dad, which started the whole argument over again."

I shook my head at the ridiculousness of the situation. "It sounds like it was a big mess."

"It was. After about twenty minutes, Charlie got fed up and left. With him gone, everything should have settled down pretty quick, but it didn't. Emmett and Jasper were so pissed at each other that I had to step between them a few times. When Emmett started using his brain, he realized just why Jasper was so mad. Your dad was treating you the same way Jasper's dad treats him. That made Emmett feel guilty."

"It's hardly the same, and Emmett has no reason to feel guilty," I said interrupting him.

After saying the words, I realized my mistake. I shouldn't know the story about Jasper's dad unless Jasper himself told me. Edward caught my mistake right away. He gave me an evil grin.

"I guess you're not as lost as you said you were," he commented wryly. "Don't worry. I meant what I said. Your secret is safe with me."

I groaned in frustration. "This whole thing is going to turn into a disaster. I don't even know why I even agreed to it."

"I know why you agreed, but I don't think you're ready to hear it yet," Edward said with a knowing smile.

When I started to comment, he interrupted me. "Denial should get you both through the next few weeks. After it goes away, you'll realize that disaster has already struck."

* * *

My Wednesday afternoon plans with James did not go as planned. This time it was him that canceled. He had some family emergency to go take care of. Angela and Ben canceled on me as well. With my schedule now clear, I decided to go to the cabin. I desperately needed to get away from the day I had. Being here was my favorite way to avoid the world.

Twenty minutes after school let out, I walked into my little home away from home and started working on the homework that I had been unable to finish during Study Hall. Chemistry was the only thing I really had any trouble completing in a timely manner. My brain understood what I needed to do. It just fell asleep every time I cracked open my book.

Just as I finished my work, I heard a car door slam outside. I ran over to the window and looked outside. This was my first time coming here by myself, and I was a little antsy about it. Fortunately, my visitor was my favorite person in the world.

I opened the door and gave Jasper a wide smile. "What are you doing here?"

He returned my smile with one of his own. "I've been looking for you all over town. This was the last place I looked."

"Why were you looking for me?"

Jasper walked up to me and placed both hands on the side of my face before leaning down and kissing me on the forehead. "Isn't that obvious?"

The words made me smile. "What happened to keeping our distance for the rest of the week?" I asked.

"I've got an alibi," he drawled.

He lowered his hands to my neck and ran his fingers lightly along my skin. It was causing me to lose my train of thought. So, I took his hands and walked backwards pulling him through the front door. When we were inside, I led him over to the sofa and pushed him back so he would sit down. He then pulled me onto his lap and started playing with the ends of my hair.

"Does your alibi have anything to do with Edward?"

"Yes," he answered before leaning down and nuzzling my neck.

The damn man was driving me crazy. I could already feel the familiar warmth spread through me. "Stop it. I can't think when you do that."

He brought his lips up close to my ear and whispered, "I know. That's why I do it."

I jumped up off his lap and went to sit on the loveseat. Jasper laughed at my retreat. "Ah, come back, Bells. I'll be good."

"Liar."

After he stopped laughing, Jasper stood up and walked into the kitchen. He returned seconds later and handed me a small box before returning to his spot on the sofa. "Belated birthday present. And I don't want any complaints about money or any other bullshit. This is more for my benefit than yours."

Predictable. He knew me better than I knew myself. Though, it was a mystery how he would know that I hated when people spent money on me.

I opened the box and peeked inside. "You bought me a phone. Why?"

"It's for my own peace of mind. I hate not being able to reach you. Not to mention, you are the only I know that doesn't have one."

"This is an unnecessary expense. What were you thinking?"

Jasper sat up and glared at me. "I was thinking that I didn't want my girl stranded on the side of the road somewhere without a way to call for help. I was thinking that the next time she disappears on me I could at least call to find out where she is."

For the love of God, could he stop throwing out words that made my heart swell. Jasper was going to kill me with all the pressure he caused in my chest.

When I didn't say anything, he continued. "I get anxious when you're not around me. I like knowing that you are safe. This will preserve my sanity."

What do you say to that? Cause I got nothing. My brain and my heart were battling it out as I sat there on the loveseat with a dumb look on my face.

"Bells, you're zoning out on me again. Say something."

I grinned like a fool and started giggling. When I glanced up at him, Jasper had a confused look on his face. I took slow steadying breaths before finally calming down from my weird emotional high. "Umm, thank you," I finally said.

"You are the oddest person I've ever met. One minute you're perfectly normal and then you turn into a mental patient. What the hell is wrong with you?" he asked playfully.

I crooked a finger at him motioning for him to come over. Jasper raised an eyebrow at my summoning of him but complied anyway. When he sat down on the loveseat, I moved to where I was straddling his lap, which earned me a seductive grin. With practiced subtly, he worked his way under my shirt and placed his hands on my bare back. A shiver ran through me from the added warmth.

"What do you think is wrong with me?"

Jasper ran his hands up and down my back. "Nothing. You're perfect," he growled before pulling me forward and kissing me long and slow.

It was heavenly. When I finally pulled away from him, my breathing was rapid and my body hot. His hands started massaging my back with gentle pressure. I closed my eyes and stretched like a cat. Being with him relaxed me and excited me at the same time. It was an odd mix that I couldn't understand but loved just the same.

A soft laugh broke me from my lazy enjoyment. "If you promise to climb on me every time I buy you something, you'll come home to a mountain of gifts everyday."

"It wasn't the gift. It was the reasoning behind it."

"Well, just promise me that you'll call me if you ever need me. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I'll come for you," Jasper promised.

I leaned down and kissed him softly on the lips. "I promise."


	16. Chapter 16 Gone with the Whiskey

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 16 - Gone With the Whiskey

The next week and a half went by at a torturous pace. Jasper and I were only able to spend a few hours together most days. Worse than that, we had only been able to spend two nights together, which frustrated us both. After the day at the cabin where he gave me my phone, we had made huge jumps in our physical relationship. I was pushing to go further, and he was continuing to stop us. I was starting to think that he didn't want me.

My friendship with Alice was getting back on track after that day I argued with Rosalie. Those two girls stuck together like glue. I wasn't about to complain though. The loyalty they showed each other was impressive.

James backed off the dating thing. He seemed to accept that we were only going to be friends. It was a nice change and allowed me to become more comfortable around him. Emmett and Jasper still gave him a hard time, but I decided that if he was willing to put up with it that it was his problem.

Angela and Ben were still going strong. They were so in sync with one another I felt like an outsider some times, which was fine. I understood how you could get caught up in someone and forget everything around you.

We won the football game the week of my birthday. It was not even a close game. The coaches ended up pulling Jasper and several other players early in the second half. It was a relief for me. I still hadn't managed to control the fear I had of someone getting injured.

It was now the third Friday in September. Tonight's game was homecoming, and Alice was throwing a huge party after the game. She insisted that I not only come to the party but stay the night as well. Apparently, it was some kind of tradition for all of her friends to stay over and then hangout all day Saturday. Jasper and I spending time together with the group was a bad idea, but us staying the night in the same house with them was worse.

The second that Jasper, Edward, and Emmett were pulled from the game, Alice grabbed my arm and starting pulling me to the parking lot. I waved a quick bye to Angela and Ben. Unfortunately, they were not planning on coming to the party. It would have made things much easier. The way things stood right now I would be forced to spend time with the very people I shouldn't.

I followed Alice and Rosalie who were both riding in Alice's yellow Porsche. This was my first time visiting Alice's house, and I had no clue where she lived. We turned off on a private road with a gated entrance. I didn't know what to expect though I knew her family had money. Apparently, they had a lot of money. I drove past four separate residences that each had huge front lawns. From what I could tell from the outdoor lighting that highlighted the landscaping, they were all huge.

Alice's house turned out to be the fifth one. I followed them as they turned down her drive. Like the ones before it, this house had a large front lawn that looked to be the size of at least a couple of football stadiums. Dozens of trees dotted the landscape many of which had lights hanging from them as decoration for her party.

My jaw dropped when I saw her house. It was a stately red brick Colonial with columned porches on each level. I cringed at the thought of a bunch of high school students tearing it up during the party. Alice must be out of her mind. I knew for a fact she was expecting a lot of people to show. They would destroy this place.

Before we left the school, she told me to make sure I parked in the garage. Both sets of garage doors were open when I pulled up. I parked next to her, which still left room for another two cars at least.

When we stepped into the house, I followed Alice and Rosalie into the kitchen. Alice picked up a clipboard off the island and walked around the corner into the living room. I continued following her and noticed that eight people were spread throughout the room holding their own clipboards. Three women made up the group and each wore a serious expression on their face. It was obvious they were here to work. The other five were men who looked liked bouncers. They were more relaxed and smiled as we walked in the room. I now understood why Alice felt comfortable throwing a party. These guys would keep things under control.

Alice looked down at her clipboard and started calling out a list of duties. As she covered each topic, she would make a mark on her paper. Security, refreshments, music, cleanup, and designated drivers were just a few of the subjects she went through. She went over the rules and made sure that each person could identify pictures of the people who were allowed access to all areas of the house. She was like watching a general prepare a battle plan. I was amazed. Alice took her parties seriously.

After informing everyone that the first guests should arrive in the next thirty minutes, she and Rosalie escorted me upstairs. Rosalie went on to her and Emmett's room while Alice showed me to mine. When we walked in, I noticed a set of clothes on the bed.

"I bought you these to wear tonight," she informed me pointing to a navy blue vest and a pair of jeans.

I picked up the vest and fingered the soft fabric. "Where's the shirt that goes under it?"

Alice bubbled over with laughter. "There isn't one."

"There's no way I'm not wearing that. The jeans are fine, but this isn't even a shirt. Hell, half of it's missing."

She rolled her eyes at me. "Tell you what. I'll compromise with you. You wear the shirt, and I will only spend five minutes on your makeup."

This girl was clearly in need of medication. "No."

"It's one night, Bella. Stop being a prude and just wear it," Alice demanded before stomping out of the room.

Now that pissed me off. I was not a prude. I threw my bag down on the dresser and laid on the bed. Ten minutes later, my door opened and Rosalie and Alice walked in looking more beautiful than ever. Rosalie was wearing a tight fitting tuxedo shirt with a black pleated mini skirt. The shirt was conservative enough unless one considered the fact that she left it half unbuttoned. Alice wore a formfitting red sweaterdress with a deep v-neck. It was really unfair that they could look so good after only ten minutes of effort.

Rosalie laughed when she saw me. "Told you," she said to Alice.

Alice sneered at me and left the room. "I'll be right back."

"You look just as I expected," Rosalie taunted as she walked closer to the bed.

I leaned up on my elbows and looked at her. "Well, you look fresh out of a calendar."

She frowned at me. I don't think she knew quite how to take my comment. It was not really intended as an insult. If Rosalie took it as one, that was her problem.

"How are you ever going to catch a guy if you keep dressing the way you do," she asked with amusement.

Funny. I sort of had one. Well, kind of. "I don't want a guy."

She smirked at me. "That's obvious."

Alice returned to the room carrying a liquor bottle and three shot glasses. She walked over to the dresser and poured a shot into each glass before passing them out to us. I sniffed mine and sighed. The smell of the whiskey made my head swirl. Toasted wood and warm spice. I loved it. I look a small sip and enjoyed the sweet smoothness of it. Jameson was some good stuff. I drank the rest down in one slow pull and groaned in pleasure. They could give me another shot of this anytime.

"Damn," Alice said after picking her jaw back up. "I didn't think you would drink it without a little peer pressure."

I turned to glance at her and Rosalie. They were both looking at me in shock. "What?" I asked.

"You drank that down like a pro. We weren't expecting it," Rosalie explained.

Alice took my glass and poured me another before handing it back to me. I threw it back like the last and set the glass on the nightstand. Getting drunk was not my intention, and they would probably keep refilling the glass until I passed out. I missed the taste of a good drink. Renee had never had a problem letting me imbibe as long as it was in moderation and always at home. She never made it feel forbidden making it much less tempting.

"What can I say? I like a good Irish whiskey," I said with a shrug of my shoulders.

"What do I have to do to get you to wear what I picked out for you?" Alice asked.

They would blame the liquor, but I had already decided to wear the clothes. I was sick and tired of everyone thinking I was a prude. If letting go for one night would get them to shut up, it would be worth it. I grabbed up the clothes and walked into the bathroom. The navy vest was low cut, and the bottom didn't quite reach my belly button. Paired with the low-rise jeans, it looked even shorter. Normally, I would never wear this, but I wanted to allow myself to be young for once. If I was to be honest, I didn't look too bad.

When I came out, Alice and Rosalie were laying on the bed giggling. "What the hell is so funny?" I asked.

They looked up at me guiltily. Alice's eyes bulged, and Rosalie whistled. "Holy shit, Bella. You look good," Rosalie exclaimed.

"I've changed my mind. You can wear your regular clothes," Alice said with a frown.

I rolled my eyes. "Why? You finally get me to wear something you want and then change your mind. What is wrong with what I'm wearing?"

Alice shook her head. "Remember that talk we had the first day of school. Well, that talk is the exact reason you should change into something else."

I burst out laughing. "I can promise you that Jasper will stay well away from me tonight." It was true. He would but only because he had to. The thought made me laugh harder.

"I say let her go. The boys in this town need a new distraction," Rosalie suggested.

"Yeah, bring on the warpaint. I'm ready," I said with a smile.

Okay, maybe the whiskey was loosening me up a bit more than I wanted to admit, but I was with friends. Besides, one night of fun wouldn't kill me.

When we walked downstairs forty minutes later, we were all two shots further along and holding onto each other like the best of friends. The house had filled up while we were upstairs, and we were greeted with cheers as we entered the living room. It was ridiculous how popular these two were when they never even talked to anyone. People nodded to us as we walked through the room. Alice and Rosalie ignored them and started dancing to the music that was pounding in heavy beats throughout the house.

I hung back and watched them, as did everyone else in the room. A separation existed between them and the rest of the people. No one was within six feet of them. It was as if an invisible barrier kept everyone out. Both of them moved together with the music and traded off lyrics as they sang to each other. Instead of dancing suggestively like many others in the room, Rose and Alice danced playfully and laughed with joy. Their fun was contagious, and I found myself laughing along with them.

My body began to move with the music as I allowed myself to relax and enjoy the atmosphere of the party. I was actually having a good time. It was a new experience for me being at a party, and I enjoyed watching what everyone was doing. From what I could see when I walked down the stairs, people were spread all throughout the different rooms. Half were talking in little groups as they watched everyone else. The other half was dancing to the music that was now pulsing with a new heavier beat.

I decided to take a stroll through the house and check out the rest of the party. After making a tour of the bottom floor, I noticed two of the bouncer guys from earlier were stationed at the front door with serious looks on their faces. They nodded at me as I walked by, which prompted me to smile at them in return. The one on the right smiled back at me. He then walked forward towards me.

"I'm Laurent. I haven't seen you at one of Alice's parties before. You must be new to the group."

I looked up at him and couldn't talk for a second. God, he was good looking. The whiskey from earlier was starting to talk as I looked him over with a smile. Laurent was about the same size as Emmett though not quite as built. His dark hair fell in waves around his face and framed stunning green eyes. The dimples in his cheeks made me want to pinch his face.

"I'm Bella. Emmett is my brother."

Laurent frowned slightly. "You would be related to the one that's bigger than me."

"And why would that matter?"

He smiled flirtatiously. "Cause when I ask you out he might kick my ass. Wait. Before I do that, how old are you?"

I bit my bottom lip and turned my head to the side. "Eighteen, but that doesn't matter because you can't ask me out."

"Why is that?" he asked moving closer to me.

I noticed that the guy Laurent was supposed to be working with had a frown on his face as he watched us. I was probably going to get Laurent in trouble if I kept talking to him. It was time for me to move on to another part of the party.

"It was nice talking to you. I'll see you around," I said as I started to step around him.

He moved in front of me blocking my path. "At least give me your number."

"I can't do that I'm sorry," I said.

"Boyfriend?"

"No boyfriend. I just can't date right now."

Laurent's smile returned to his face. "If you don't have a boyfriend, you can do what you want, and any girl that looks like you should definitely be dating."

I couldn't just do what I wanted. In truth, I didn't want to. Laurent was good looking and attractive, but my whole world was about Jasper. He was with me all the time even when he wasn't right beside me. He consumed my thoughts. Picturing his face made my heart beat faster, and my hands clinch in frustration. Even now I could feel my body start to warm from the realization that he would be here soon. We wouldn't be able to physically touch, but we would still be connected.

"Bella, are you okay there?" Laurent asked. "You kind of zoned out on me."

I looked back up at him and blushed. "I'm sorry, but boyfriend or not, I can't date right now."

He nodded his head. "Maybe the next time we meet that will have changed," he said hopefully before returning to his post at the front door.

I gave him a wave and returned to the living room. Walking around didn't sound as appealing anymore. When I arrived, Alice waved for me to join them, but I shook my head. She frowned and walked over to me.

"Come on, Bella," she pleaded before pulling on my arm and leading me to the middle of the living room.

Rosalie looked at me with speculation. "What were talking to Laurent about?"

Alice's eyes flashed over to me. She looked pleased. "He talked to you."

She glanced in his direction and smiled. "He's cute. What did he say?"

And let the matchmaking begin. I knew that gleam in her eye, and it signaled trouble ahead. "He didn't really say much," I answered.

Both girls looked at each other and seemed to share a private conversation. When they suddenly smiled at each other and nodded their heads, I knew that something was up.

"I'll be back," Alice called out as she started walking across the room.

I turned to Rosalie and begged for an answer to my questions. "What is she doing? She's not bringing him over here is she?"

She nodded her head and smirked at me. "Alice has been looking for someone like him since the first day of school. I'm surprised neither of us thought to introduce you to him. Laurent is already practically a member of our group."

"Really? Wait, why is she looking for someone for me?"

"She has this stupid idea in her head that Jasper is interested in you. Everyone's noticed that he hasn't been coming to any parties. The only girl he's been seen with is Maria and that was a while ago, but she does live in another town. Half his time is spent driving to see her," Rosalie explained. "But Alice still thinks he's after you. I've told her that there is no way that is happening, but she won't listen."

What the hell was that supposed to mean? "Wow. Way to build my self-confidence," I pouted.

Rosalie shrugged her shoulders. "Don't feel bad. You're just not his type."

Funny. I seemed to be exactly his type. Not that she knew that. "Yeah, he's not really my type either," I lied.

Alice walked up to us with Laurent trailing behind her. She gave me a mischievous grin as she approached. "Laurent's been reassigned to Bella duty for the rest of the night. You two behave for a minute. Rose and I need to go upstairs to pick up your liquid courage. We'll be back in a minute."

They left us and walked up the stairs. I peeked up at Laurent who was staring at me with a flirtatious grin on his face. My stomach twisted with nerves. I didn't know what to do.

"Let's get out of here," he said as he grabbed my arm and starting leading me in the direction of the kitchen. My mind was blank on how to handle this situation.

When he reached the empty kitchen, he turned me around to where I was facing him. He then lifted me by the waist and set me on the counter. My mouth dropped open when I realized what he had done. This guy had more nerve than Jasper.

"I guess it's too much to hope your circumstances have changed in the last few minutes."

I started laughing. This was just stupid. Did I have some kind of spell on me that attracted the opposite sex? Until I moved to Forks, I had been invisible to everyone but Jacob, and I was mostly invisible to him as well. First Jasper, then James, and now this guy. What the hell was I doing different?

A female voice spoke up behind us. "What circumstances would that be?" I heard Alice ask.

My eyes turned up to Laurent and begged him to stay silent. "I asked Bella to dance, and she turned me down flat," he lied for me.

Rosalie and Alice seemed to fall for it. Rosalie poured me a shot, and I took it gladly. My approach to drinking seemed to be taking an abrupt change. Liquor sounded like the best thing in the world right now. Hopefully, it would make that knot in my stomach go away. I threw back the shot and closed my eyes in pleasure as I leaned my head back. It was really good stuff.

When I opened my eyes, Laurent was looking at me with a devilish grin. I blushed and turned my attention to Rosalie who was pouring more drinks for the rest of us. Alice passed them around and everyone but me drank theirs immediately. My brain was already fuzzy from my previous drinks.

"Well, Rose and I are going to go dance. You two have fun. We'll leave the bottle with you," Alice said as she started walking away. She stopped just at the edge of the kitchen and called out, "Laurent, be nice to my friend."

Alice then danced off arm and arm with Rosalie who looked hesitant about leaving me. She stopped at the edge of the doors but was pulled away by the smaller girl.

Terrific. I downed my drink and slammed the glass on the counter next to where I was sitting. I couldn't believe that they abandoned me. My friends really sucked.

I closed my eyes and began nodding my head with the music. My body was starting to get more of that warm fuzzy feeling from the whiskey. It was relaxing. I rolled my head to pop my neck and then opened my eyes.

"You haven't been in Forks long have you," Laurent asked me.

I absently noticed that he had moved closer to me though he was still a foot away and not touching me. The thought relaxed me further. He seemed like such a nice guy. I sighed heavily and looked up at him. "No, I've only been here since the middle of June. Why do you ask?"

He moved a little closer to me and spoke a little softer. "If you had lived here longer, I would have noticed. You're pretty hard to miss."

"Would you see if there's any water in the fridge?" I asked wanting to put some space between us.

When he turned around, I looked at his shoulders and noticed how broad they were. Laurent was so nice to look at. I felt my lips turn up into a small smile. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-one," he answered as he returned with a bottle of water for me. After twisting off the lid, he handed it to me.

I drank down half the bottle before handing it back to him with a grateful smile. Rather than put the lid back on and putting it aside, Laurent drank the rest of the water.

He looked down at my lips. "Strawberry lip balm."

For a second, I was confused but then it dawned on me that he tasted it on his lips after sharing my water. There was something entirely too intimate about that thought. Ordinarily, I would have been embarrassed at the realization, but I busted out with laughter instead.

"Would you prefer a different flavor?"

Laurent moved in closer to me and breathed in next to my hair. "No, it matches the smell of your hair."

My fuzzy brain appreciated the comment while my heart wanted to know just what the hell I was thinking. Listening to my heart over my brain was not my usual course of action, but tonight it won out. "I should go find Alice and Rose."

"I'm making you nervous, aren't I?"

I nodded my head and looked at him with half closed eyes. Seeing his face cleared my mind of its thoughts. Handsome men distracted me too easily.

"How do you know Alice?" I asked out of nowhere.

Laurent leaned in closer when he answered my question. "You could say I've known her and Jasper my whole life," he answered with an odd smile.

Jasper. I miss Jasper. I leaned my head back into the cabinet behind me and stared up at the ceiling with a smile on my face. Thoughts of him danced through my head. If I closed my eyes, I could picture his face perfectly. He should be here by now. Why is he not here?

"Will you help me down?" I asked the big guy in front of me.

I was definitely feeling the whiskey. Laurent grabbed me by the waist and lifted me down. When my feet were firmly planted on the ground, he wrapped an arm around my waist and walked with me into the living room.

"So, have you decided to give me your number yet?"

No. Why would I do that? "Sorry. I told you. I can't date right now."

Laurent laughed off my refusal. "Did you take a vow of chastity? Cause you don't strike me as a nun."

"I like their outfit. Habits are this year's mini skirt."

I looked up and noticed that he was staring down my shirt. To be fair, it wasn't a shirt it was a vest that was too low cut, too short, and had practically no back. Of course, he was looking down my shirt. Now that I noticed where Laurent's eyes were directed, I wanted to look down my shirt. When I did, I chuckled as I noticed that my chest was very well highlighted tonight.

After turning my attention back to him, I waved a hand in front of his face breaking his line of sight. "They look lovely tonight. Don't they."

"Yeah, they do," he admitted without a bit of embarrassment.

I rolled my eyes at him and started searching the room for my friends. I spotted Alice and Rosalie quickly enough. The innocent dancing from before was gone with the whiskey. Emmett and Edward had joined them. Both boys had beers in their hands as they danced extremely close to their girlfriends. All four were completely oblivious to the rest of the room, which meant I was probably free to do what I wanted.

It took a minute for that to click. When it did, my body tensed up immediately. I jerked my head to the opposite end of the living room, and my eyes met Jasper's. Seeing him was the best part of my day. I smiled at him and started walking forward but realized that something was holding onto me.

I glanced back and saw that Laurent still had a hold of my waist. Like an idiot, I had completely forgotten about him. "I'll see ya later. I see a friend of mine," I explained.

When I started forward, I still made no progress. My eyes found Jasper's again, and I shrugged my shoulders in frustration. Jasper didn't move. In fact now that I looked closer, I realized that he looked wrong. His jaw was clinched in a hard line, and his eyes were narrowed. His eyes traveled over my body, and he did not look pleased with what he saw. I tried to give him an apologetic look, but his attentions weren't on me any longer. Jasper was now focused on the person who still had a hand around my waist.

My brain cleared enough to realize that this could be bad. This could be really bad. I was about to find out just how bad. Jasper was now walking towards us with hard eyes and a determined stride.


	17. Chapter 17 Three Buttons

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 17 - Three Buttons

Laurent leaned down to talk to me. The music was much louder in the living room than the kitchen. Before he could say anything, I turned to him and found his face right next to mine.

"Let's go back in the kitchen," I suggested knowing that Jasper would follow us into the empty room. The important thing was that whatever was said needed to be away from as many prying ears as possible.

I was rewarded with a huge smile as Laurent led me back to the kitchen completely unaware that we were going to be interrupted. "Absolutely."

He led me back over to the cabinet I had been sitting on earlier. When he removed his arm from my waist, I backed away and bumped into a wall that shouldn't have been in the middle of the room.

The wall wrapped a possessive arm around my chest and held me securely. I rolled my head back and looked up into angry blue eyes.

I smiled like a drunken fool and sighed his name, "Jasper."

His eyes softened a bit when he looked down at me. My heart did a wild flip-flop, and I relaxed into him. "I missed you," I told him honestly.

Laurent's voice interrupted my serenity. "I understand now why you can't date. Circumstances being what they are."

Jasper's eyes narrowed, and he turned his head up to glare at Laurent. "Circumstances being what they are, if you ever touch again, I'll break your fucking face," he growled.

"Will that be before or after Emmett murders you? Cause he is going to kill you. You know that, right? Hell, you're having sex with his sister."

That was just rude. "Hey. Hey. Hey. I'm not having sleeping with him. Jasper is a gentleman."

Laurent burst out with laughter. "I'm not stupid. This guy couldn't keep his dick in his pants with super glue and a chastity belt."

Great. All I needed was another person pointing out what a whore my . . . friend was.

"She's telling the truth, asshole. Bella and I are just friends, and I would appreciate you keeping all of this to yourself."

"Oh yeah. I'll keep it to myself all right. It'll be a whole lot more fun to watch after you fuck her. Emmett might let you live now, but when you sleep with her, you're as good as dead," Laurent smirked.

Jasper started to move me to the side so he could get to Laurent, but I kept a tight hold on his arms. "Don't," I ordered him. "It doesn't matter what he says. Let's just go upstairs."

Laurent shook his head and turned to leave. He stopped at the door, looking back at Jasper. "Try to make this last through the season. If her brother kills you, we can't win state. So, keep your head straight and give this town what you owe them. Oh and Bella. If you're smart, you'll stay away from this guy. He's playing you."

After he left, Jasper pulled me through a door in the far corner that I hadn't noticed. He led me up some stairs and through the halls of the second floor. Neither of us talked. I could tell he was angry, and I was otherwise occupied. I kept thinking about Laurent's final words and was getting more pissed by the second.

_Give this town what you owe them._ Jasper didn't owe them shit, and I was getting tired of all the people that thought he did.

When we walked into my room, he slammed the door behind us and walked across the room to the doors leading out to the veranda. He walked outside, and I let him go without following. I could tell he wanted to be left alone.

I threw myself on the bed and listened to the thumping music coming from downstairs. The sound of people yelling with the song made me smile. Alice's party was a success. I was happy for her. I wasn't so happy for Jasper. He had been outside for several minutes, and I was getting tired of waiting for him. I decided enough was enough. We got very little time together as it was, and we weren't going to waste it.

When I went outside, Jasper was leaning against the railing of the balcony as he stared into the night. I said his name trying to get his attention, but he ignored me. Not to be deterred, I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around him. He put an arm around mine and squeezed one of my hands.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"I hate to be reminded of things," he answered vaguely.

The answer could refer to so many different things. I went with the statement that bothered me the most. "You don't owe this town anything. It doesn't matter if you win."

Jasper scoffed at my assumption. "Football is the last thing I'm worried about, and winning doesn't mean shit to me right now."

Okay. Strike one. "Laurent was just watching out for me tonight. He didn't do anything."

"I already knew that."

Strike two. I really suck tonight. "Emmett won't kill you."

He turned around and looked at me. "How much did you drink tonight? You're usually much more intuitive than this."

Strike three. I mentally added up my intake. "Just enough to relax me. Can we go inside now? It's cold out here."

Like I was going to him the truth. I was having a hard enough time acting normal.

We returned to my bedroom, and he kept his distance from me. Jasper's mood was odd tonight. He was more distant than I had ever seen him. I was unsure how to proceed.

"Alice has a nice house doesn't she," he said in an attempt to break what was becoming an uncomfortable silence.

It wasn't a topic I expected, but at least he said something. "It is nice. What do her parents do for a living?"

"They don't. It's all old money. They haven't worked a day in their lives."

"I'm surprised they let her invite all these people here."

Jasper laughed at my comment. "They couldn't care less. Hell, they're hardly ever here. The housekeeper is the one who takes care of Alice. Right now, her dad is in Europe for the rest of the year with his new girlfriend. Her mom has been gone for the last week visiting their home in California."

Was Edward the only person in their group with parents who cared about him? It certainly seemed like it. Maybe that's why they were all so close. They had to create a family because none of them really had one.

"How long have you known Alice?" I asked.

"All my life. I live just down the road. People in this little community stick together."

His answer wasn't what I expected. Jasper lived in a house like this one. It didn't make sense. His dad was a superintendent. There's no way he made that much money.

He watched me carefully. "You didn't know that I lived around here, did you?"

I shook my head. "I know your dad is the superintendent, and I know that we visit your grandparent's cabin. I know Rosalie is your cousin, and that your mother left you some time ago. Other than those things, I don't know anything about your family. You never talk about them."

"I don't want to talk about them now either."

"We don't have to."

We stood there staring at each other for several minutes. It wasn't unusual for us. We could do it for hours. I liked watching him, and he seemed to enjoy watching me as well. Eventually one of us would speak, though neither of us needed to. Our being together seemed to fulfill something within us that nothing else did. The only problem with doing it tonight was that my eyes kept wanting to close.

_Just give in to tired. It matters little._

I decided to get more comfortable and slipped off my shoes and socks throwing them into the corner. I sat down on the floor and stared up at my friend with an inviting smile. Jasper rolled his eyes at me before taking off his shoes and sitting on the floor behind me. I leaned back into him and relaxed as he wrapped his arms around me.

Jasper finally spoke after several minutes of quiet. "You talk in your sleep."

I smiled at him. "I know. What have you heard?"

"You say my name."

That made me laugh. "Anything else."

He paused before answering. "Just a few things. Nothing important."

I could tell he was lying. Something I said bothered him. "You're lying. What did I say?"

For several seconds, Jasper didn't answer. "I'm not lying. The only clear word you say is my name, but the way you say it drives me crazy. I've noticed it from the beginning. It's your voice. I don't know what it is, but every time you say my name I want to touch you."

His words made my chest start to feel that familiar pressure around my heart. I forced myself to laugh so he wouldn't see how he affected me.

Jasper held my hands and rubbed then gently. "I'm serious. Every time you say it, I want to drag you off into a corner. I don't know how you do it. I've heard it millions of times and by thousands of people but hearing you say it makes me crazy. It's tormented me from the first time I heard you say it."

I moved out of his arms and stood up to where I was facing him. He stood up as well and ducked his head. It was like he was embarrassed by his words.

"When did I first say your name?"

"It was the second day of school. You tripped, and I grabbed you before you could fall. You said 'Thank you, Jasper'. It was like you hit me with a brick. After that, I thought about you all the time, and I couldn't keep my eyes off of you."

His words left me stunned. What do you say when someone hands you a gift like that? Easy, you ask for another one. "What about the second time?" I asked challenging him.

Jasper stared into a corner avoiding my eyes. "That day I walked to your house in the rain. We were driving around, and you said 'Jasper, do you not want to go home'. After that, there was no way I was going home. It's why I suggested we keep driving. I was hoping to hear you say it again."

"And did I?"

"No, you didn't. I was very disappointed."

I laughed, "I'm sorry, Jasper."

Oh, hell. I shouldn't have said that. He turned to look at me and raked his eyes over me from head to toe. My saying his name really did affect him. I half expected his seductive smile that always made me warm, but instead, he frowned at me. "Don't let Alice dress you anymore."

"Do you not like it?" I asked self-consciously.

He groaned in frustration and rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. "I like it too much."

I bit my bottom lip and looked up at him. "Really."

Jasper lips turned up at the corners, and he nodded as he stared at my cleavage. With my mind still fuzzy from the alcohol, I threw caution to the wind and stepped closer to him. "What do you like about it?" I purred.

His eyes darkened as he fingered the bottom button on my vest. "There's only three buttons."

My breath caught as he unfastened the one he was playing with. He ignored the other buttons and moved his hands to my bare waist. With teasing gentleness, he rubbed his thumbs along my abdomen before moving his hands under the vest, grazing my skin with his rough hands. I groaned out his name and leaned my head back as I arched into him.

"Damn, Bella."

Damn was right. Cause damn, I felt good, he felt good, and together we felt great.

I looked at him in open invitation. "Two more buttons, Jasper," I reminded him.

That earned me his seductive smile, which made my toes curl. He cocked an eyebrow at me and removed his hands from my chest. With too slow movements, Jasper undid the middle button before returning his hands to my stomach. The little tease. He moved his hands up and down going higher each time. When his fingers grazed the bottom of my breasts before moving down again, I thought I would die.

His hands stopped, and I growled at him. "One more button."

Jasper shook his head at me. "No more buttons. You're drunk."

He was right, but I wasn't about to give up. I pushed his hands away in agitation. I then moved mine to his long sleeved shirt that was conveniently unfastened as usual. In a calculated movement, I pushed it off his shoulders but didn't remove it completely. When it was around his back, I used it too pull him into me. Jasper groaned and moved his face next to mine. He wanted to kiss me but was holding back. When I tried to press our lips together, he pulled back.

"Kiss me," I demanded.

"No."

_Stubborn ass._ I finished taking off his shirt, which left him in a white t-shirt that hugged his chest. He stood perfectly still. It was so frustrating. I finally moved my hands to the bottom of his shirt and started tugging it upwards. Jasper's hands grabbed mine and pushed them away.

"Stop it," he growled.

I shook my head at him. "I'll stop when I want to," I declared before moving my hands back to his shirt.

After hearing my declaration, he looked at me speculatively. "Fine, but you asked for it," he warned.

Jasper took off his shirt and threw it on the bed. Before I even had a chance to enjoy the show, he pulled me into him and kissed me. It was rough and demanding from the start. He was trying to scare me into stopping, but it had the reverse effect. I responded with urgent need. Too many days had gone by that left me feeling unfulfilled.

When his mouth wandered to my ear, and he whispered, "One more button."

"Oh, yeah," I moaned.

Urgent fingers struggled before finally managing to unfasten the small disk. He jerked off my vest throwing it across the room. When his hands returned to my stomach, I shuddered. He slowly massaged my abdomen with more pressure than before. As his hands moved up to cup my breasts, I gasped. His thumbs flicked over my hardened nipples, and I arched my lower body into him. With expert knowledge, his hands roamed over my body stirring my blood in a mad rush. His eyes stared into mine as if he were asking for permission. I bit my bottom lip and nodded slowly up at him as my hands ran over the hard muscles in his back.

Jasper's mouth returned to mine in a deep kiss as he slowly backed me into the bed while his warm hands moved to the front of my waist. He broke our kiss and stared into my eyes as he unfastened my jeans. With my jeans loosened, I had expected him to push them down but found myself gasping with pleasure as he slipped his hands inside and circling them behind me before grasping my backside and pulling me into him.

"Are you sure you want to do this, love?" he questioned.

Was there any doubt? "Yes."

He seemed to debate internally before slipping his thumbs under the fabric of my jeans and then pulling them down my legs. When he backed up and gave me a little room, I stepped out of them and pushed them across the floor out of the way.

Jasper sent me a wicked grin and trailed his eyes up and down my body in a slow caress. "God, you're beautiful."

With him looking at me that way, I didn't doubt his words. The tiny hint of embarrassment I was starting to feel drifted away. Of course, the fact that it was mostly dark in here helped.

"We shouldn't do this," he said in a husky whisper.

"Yes, we should."

He took something out of the back pocket of his jeans before moving his hands to the front and slowly unfastened them. We stared into each others eyes as he pushed them down. I was afraid to look, and he knew it. My cheeks burned bright red, and he smiled at my embarrassment. When I heard the tear of the condom packet, my breath caught, and my eyes moved to the corner of the room.

He started chuckling softly. "It's going to be alright, love."

I nodded my head but kept staring into the corner. He stepped forward and put his hands on my hips. With slow deliberation, he removed my underwear. I threw my head back and moaned as his hands ran over the inside of my thighs. He raised back up and grabbed me by the waist setting me on the bed. I backed up to where I was laying in the middle of the plush covers.

When I felt the mattress give a little as Jasper climbed on the bed, I lifted my head to watch him. As he crawled over the top of me, I leaned my head back onto the pillow and crossed my arms over my chest. My sudden shyness made him laugh. He rolled his eyes and grabbed my wrists. With gentle, slow movements he unfolded my arms and brought them over my head where he held them together with one hand. I cocked an eyebrow at him, which made him chuckle.

"Don't you trust me, angel?" he asked before leaning down and giving me a slow, deep kiss.

His free hand trailed along my neck and chest. When he cupped one of my breasts and began caressing it tenderly, I gasped in pleasure. "Yes, I trust you."

Jasper moved his lips to my left ear lobe pulling it lightly with his teeth. I arched my back and pressed into him feeling him shudder in response.

"Damn, I've wanted you like this for so long," he said in a breathless whisper. I noted with satisfaction that his breathing was as rough as mine.

He lowered more of his body onto mine, and my hands clenched into fists as his weight pressed me into the bed. I tried to lower my arms, but he tightened his grip on my wrists preventing me from moving. The warmth of his breath on my neck traveled over the same trail his fingers had. He placed light kisses down my neck whispering my name each time. This was getting to be too much.

"Jasper, please." I begged.

He used a knee to nudge my thighs apart, and my legs opened instinctively allowing him to settle between my thighs. With a growl, he removed his lips from my neck and captured my mouth in a searing kiss. His right hand ran down my body in a gentle caress until coming to a stop between my legs. He touched me with exquisite care using his fingers to bring me to an even higher level of need. I was panting underneath him begging for more when I felt him shift his body and move his hand to my hip. His weight pressed me into the bed, and I reveled in this new pressure.

Our night came crashing down a second later. Without warning, he suddenly rolled off of me and looked at the door. A hard knock sounded. It was like a splash of cold water.

"Fucking hell," Jasper spit out angrily.

I jumped off the bed and ran to the door with my arms crossed over my chest. "Just a second," I called through the door.

When I glanced behind me, Jasper was pulling on his jeans. I rushed over to mine and threw them on quickly. I put on his t-shirt before moving back to the door.

Jasper followed and put his hand on the door holding it in place in case whoever was out there decided to open it. He nodded at me to go ahead.

"Who is it?" I asked.

"It's just me," Edward whispered loudly. "Look, I know he's in there. Open the door."

Jasper pushed me behind him blocking me from view before cracking open the door. "What the fuck, Cullen?"

Edward was not happy. "You stupid bastard. What the hell are you thinking? Beyond that, what the hell are you doing? Where's your shirt? And why the fuck are your pants unbuttoned?"

"It's none of your damn business. Now, what do you want?" Jasper demanded.

"I brought Alice upstairs to bed. I offered to check on you and Bella since Al is too damn drunk to walk on her own. She had me check your room first. I told her you were with some chick," Edward explained.

Jasper hung his head. "Thanks for that."

"Can you thank me by getting the hell out of there? And what happened to not letting things get out of control? You promised not to touch her. And hell, Jasper, Alice already told me how much Bella had to drink. What the fuck are you thinking?"

Jasper turned his head back and looked at me with deep regret. "I know. Just give me a minute, and I'll leave. Go on, and take care of Ally."

He closed the door and ran his fingers through his hair. When he turned to look at me, I was shocked by the look of pain on his face. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

He frowned at my questions. "Yeah, I hurt, but we're not getting into that."

I was horrified. "Why didn't you tell me you were injured? What happened? Was it the game?"

"No, God dammit. It's not the game," Jasper growled at me.

"Then . . ."

Before I could finish my question, he put a hand over my mouth. "Are you really that naive?"

I looked up at him in complete confusion. What was he talking about?

Jasper in return looked at me with horror in his eyes. His mood had changed abruptly in the last few seconds, and I was at a loss to explain it. He walked across the room and picked up his shirt throwing it on quickly before grabbing his shoes. When he reached the door, Jasper turned to me with cold, dead eyes.

"You're too good, Bella. Someone like you has no business being with me, and I need to stay away from you," he stated coldly before attempting to open the door.

I put an arm out and grabbed him. "Don't say that," I pleaded.

"We're done, Bella. I can't see you anymore." He then shook off my grasp and left.

My first instinct was to cry, but my eyes refused to cooperate. My second was to get angry, but I couldn't manage to do it. The problem was that I didn't believe him. No one could say the things he said and act the way he acted and then end things so coldly. We weren't done. We hadn't even gotten started. Jasper would get over his little fit, and things would return to the way they were. I was certain of it. I was so certain that I calmly changed into my nightclothes, washed my face, and then went to bed. Sleep found me immediately. I was that sure of us.

* * *

I walked downstairs late the next morning and found Alice and Rosalie in the breakfast room. They were sitting at the table drinking coffee and eating toast. Neither of them looked any worse for wear after the party from last night. It was a little irritating how beautiful these girls were. I knew I didn't look anywhere near as fresh this morning.

Alice smiled up at me. "Good morning, sleepy head."

I flinched at the chipper sound in her voice. Was she one of those annoying people who never suffered through a hangover? Speaking of hangovers, what the hell kind of friend would get you drunk and then leave you with a strange guy? A painful answer triggered a frown on my face. It dawned on me that Alice was a false friend with an agenda.

"Don't listen to her. We only just got down here," Rosalie reassured me.

I struggled to remember what it was she was referring to before finally giving up and sitting down at the table. I grabbed an apple out of bowl in the middle of the table and ate it in silence while everyone watched me.

"You're awful quiet this morning. Did you not have a good time last night?" Alice finally asked when I finished my apple.

_Do you really care? No. You don't. _My feelings regarding her had taken a dramatic change in the last few seconds. I was looking at her through new eyes and didn't like what I saw.

"I'm sorry. Good morning," I said belatedly. "I never talk much in the morning, and last night was fine."

Rosalie winked at me. "Last night was more than fine."

I heard a deep rumble of laughter behind me. "I agree," said Emmett as he walked up and kissed his girlfriend.

They were so good together. I might not always like the girl, but she made my brother happy. He was always so at ease with her. It reminded me of when he was younger.

"Morning, girls," he greeted Alice and me before walking into the kitchen.

Just as Emmett walked into the kitchen, Edward walked out. He had a plate heaping with food. It made me cringe. The thought of eating a heavy breakfast made me feel sick.

"Morning, Bella," he said as he took the chair between Alice and me.

Alice looked at me. "There's plenty of food. Sal's in the kitchen and will fix anything you want."

Sal must be the housekeeper that Jasper mentioned last night. "I'm good, but thank you."

Emmett walked out of the kitchen with his own plate and sat next to Rosalie. "Did you behave last night?" he asked me.

_Not by choice._ I rolled my eyes. "Of course."

"Bella met Laurent last night," Alice informed him. "They seemed to hit it off."

Edward looked at me with confusion. "Really?"

"He's a good guy. I like him," Emmett declared.

I liked him too until Jasper showed up, and the guy started acting like a jerk. "He's okay, but he's not really my type," I informed them.

Rosalie burst out into laughter. "He sure looked like your type."

"Well he's not. Can we talk about something else?" I asked.

Alice saved me. "What do you guys want to do today? I didn't plan anything for once."

"Like it matters what we suggest. Jasper will change our plans if it's something he doesn't want to do," Edward answered.

"Well, we'll just wait until he gets up and decide then," Alice suggested.

Rosalie and Emmett looked at each other with secret smiles. "You might have to wait for that," Rosalie said.

That got my attention. Jasper wasn't a late sleeper. I knew that from experience. Why would we have to wait?

"Wait. Why?" Alice asked for us both.

Emmett grinned at her. "He's not here. About twenty minutes after you went to bed, he took off with Lauren Mallory."


	18. Chapter 18 Animal Crackers

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 18 - Animal Crackers

_He took off with Lauren Mallory_. _He took off with Lauren Mallory. He . . . _

Alice interrupted my repetitious thoughts. "You didn't say it was Lauren Mallory that he had in his room," she said to Edward.

"It couldn't have been. She never left the living room," Emmett told her.

Edward looked angry. "You guys must be wrong. There is no way he left with Lauren."

He was right. It was a mistake. Jasper would not have done that. It didn't matter what he was mad about.

Rosalie laughed at Edward. "We're not wrong. I saw them leave with my own two eyes. Besides, it wouldn't be the first time he had two girls in one night. Hell, two isn't even his record," she said.

In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to die. Nothing else would make the pain stop or the words disappear. Nothing. My world was over.

A loud noise sounded to my left. I felt cold liquid splash all over me, and curses sounded around the table. "I'm so sorry, Bella," Edward said loudly trying to get my attention.

The cold liquid woke me from my daze. Edward had knocked his orange juice over. I looked at him and saw concern in his eyes. "You should go change. We'll clean this up." He was offering me the escape that he knew I needed.

I nodded my head in understanding and ran up the stairs to my room. When I arrived, I leaned against the door and slid to the floor. How could he leave with Lauren Mallory? After what had almost happened between us, he dumped me and left with another girl.

_How? Why? What did I do?_

When I felt my eyes well up with tears, I began a color mantra in my head. _Yellow, blue, green, don't cry. Yellow, blue, green, eyes stay dry. Yellow, blue, green, I hate that guy. _Was it stupid? Yes. But, it was also effective. My brain had to have something to focus on because losing control wasn't an option. I had to stay strong. After all, I had survived the loss of my mother. Surviving Jasper should be a piece of cake after the year that I've had. He didn't deserve my tears. I could do this. I just had to forget him.

I repeated my color lines over and over until I finally felt the little switch in my head move to the off position. It was a familiar feeling. I used that switch often much to my mother's horror. Renee always told me that it was unnatural to turn emotion off, but I had always had a unique ability to control myself at the most desperate of times. Small bursts of tears wouldn't kill me, but I didn't think I could come back from a major breakdown. Losing that much control frightened me. If I had to let myself die a little inside to prevent a total breakdown, it was worth it.

After taking another shower and changing my clothes, I went back downstairs. Hiding out wasn't an option. Alice would search me out if I didn't show up soon. I returned to the breakfast room and saw that everyone had moved into the neighboring family room. All of them were spread out through the room as they watched television.

Alice saw me first. "Hey, Bella. We saved you a seat," she said patting the spot next to her and Edward on the sofa.

I flashed a fake smile. There was no way I could do this. The moment Jasper finally showed up I would lose it. I had to get out of here. "I think I'm going to take off, Alice. I don't feel too well."

Emmett sat up and looked at me with worry. "What's wrong? Are you okay? You never get sick."

_I'm not okay. I'm barely hanging on. I want to jump off a cliff and feel the air rush by me as I plummet to the ground._

"Yeah, it's just a headache. Don't worry about me," I then jumped up and made my second escape. No one argued. There were benefits to being on the outskirts of the group. No one really cared if you stayed around.

* * *

While driving home, my calm demeanor started to falter. I needed to refocus. Letting that cold bastard tear me apart was too painful to contemplate. I needed to channel all of my hurt into anger. When Monday came around, I wanted him to see that he couldn't affect me. I was stronger than he was, and I would prove it.

My first step in proving that was one very important errand I needed to do before I went home. I drove to the cabin and prayed the whole time that Jasper wouldn't be there. Seeing him would make my heart break, and I couldn't allow that to happen.

When I drove up, I breathed a sigh of relief. He was nowhere in sight. I walked into the cabin and looked around. I was really going to miss this place. The last few weeks had been so wonderful. It was too bad I would never be back.

I walked to the bedroom and left the phone he gave me on the bed. After that, I went to remove every trace of me from the cabin. I grabbed my clothes, everything I left in the bathroom, and the book I had left on the coffee table in the living room. He would have nothing to remember me by in this place. With a quick glance around the room, I walked out the door.

I stopped half way to the car when I thought of the key. There was no way I was keeping it. I removed it from my key chain and went back inside. This was going to hurt more than everything else. I started to lose my nerve the closer I got to the bedroom. My plan was to leave it next to the phone. When I stood there in front of the bed, my hands started shaking. Putting this key down was the final nail in the coffin.

I raised it to my lips and kissed it before setting it on the bed. It was probably silly to be so bothered by such a little thing. Keys were not important. They were just keys. My heart knew I was lying. This key was a symbol. It was us. And with it gone, I knew that Jasper and I were done.

The ride to my house was slow. I didn't think I would ever get there. The whole time I kept thinking about everything that had happened. I needed to rationalize the problem and come up with a solution to all my questions. Since asking Jasper for an explanation of his behavior was out, I had to reason through this on my own.

I knew that Jasper cared about me, but I also knew that he wasn't the nicest person in the world. His leaving with Lauren made our splitting up a permanent thing. He would know that I wouldn't look over that. His doing so sent a clear message that we were through. If he hadn't done it, I would have accepted him back. I was certain of it. Jasper would know that as well.

Questions ran through my head as I considered everything. What if he left because he was the exact person Alice described? Was he pretending the whole time? Did he ever feel anything for me? How could he say the things he said and not care about me? Was he just a coward and afraid to feel anything for someone else? Why did he even get mad last night? What did I do?

No sure answers came to me. I couldn't come up with one thing I could declare as truth. Why I was bothering to look for truth when it came to Jasper, I had no idea. No one would ever really know him because he never let anyone in so that they could try.

I thought my day couldn't get any worse. I was wrong. When I got home, Charlie was there. The second I walked in the door he scowled at me. In the week and a half since the birthday dinner, we had managed to avoid each other. It wasn't hard. He was rarely home, and I hid out in my room when he was home.

"Aren't you supposed to be gone all weekend?" he growled at me causing me to flinch.

A throat cleared to my right indicating that we were not alone. I looked over and saw James standing in the kitchen. I hadn't noticed his car outside, but in my defense, I wasn't exactly paying attention. My mind was pretty damned distracted today.

"Answer me. Why are you here?" Charlie demanded rudely.

What the hell was his problem? Did he feed on weakness? The man had to sense that today was the day to jump all over me. He couldn't have picked a better one. A week ago I would have jumped for joy if he acknowledged me, even with a rude question. Today was different.

"Like it or not, I live here," I told him.

Charlie narrowed his eyes at me. "You're eighteen. I can kick you out anytime I want."

"Charlie, maybe you should just settle down," James suggested nervously.

"No, I don't think so. Bella needs to hear this."

"What do I need to hear?" I asked.

Charlie stood up and looked at me coldly. "I don't want you here."

I felt my eyes begin to tear up. It was just too much for me to deal with. First, Jasper and now this. I looked over at my dad. "Do you really not want me here?"

He shook his head in disgust. "I never wanted you here. You look just like her. Every time I look at you, I want to slap you."

The words were a slap, and he knew it. My mother had loved me so much and showed it everyday of her life. It left me unprepared for the way I was treated in this town. My father hated me. Emmett couldn't decide from one day to the next whether he should talk to me. His friends were no better. And then there was Jasper. He stabbed me in the heart and twisted the knife.

"Say the words. Tell me to leave." I requested in an icy tone. "But, be damned sure of what you want because if I leave I will not come back."

Charlie looked at me and frowned. "I can't tell you to leave. I may not want you here, but if you leave, Emmett will go with you."

I turned away from him calmly and walked up the stairs. It would give him too much pleasure to see me cry, and I refused to give him that. A plan began to form in my head. I would get through the next nine months by keeping my head down and my mouth shut. Once high school was done, I would leave this house and never come back. In my mind, Charlie wasn't my father anymore.

And if all else failed, I could always go with Plan B, which would take me to the Cullen's. I knew that Esme and Carlisle would take me in. Plan C was not so great, but I would at least keep it in the back of my head. It would take me directly back to Jacob. His father would take me in without any hesitation. I didn't want to go that route but would do so if I had no other choice. In fact, if it weren't for Emmett, I would leave now, but I couldn't do that. I loved my brother and would do anything to be close to him even if it meant putting up with Charlie. Emmett would keep me here for now, just as he would keep Charlie from kicking me out.

* * *

It was now Monday, and I had spent the better part of two days in an emotional fog. I refused to cry. I refused to feel. All I wanted was to do was find something that would make me feel good again. When the bell rang announcing the start to class, I walked through the halls with my head down. I was afraid that if I looked up I might see him. Avoiding Jasper would be impossible, but I was willing to try. When I arrived to English class, the room was mostly full.

Unfortunately, the first person I saw was Lauren Mallory. I had forgotten she was in this class. It stung seeing her. She was surrounded by other girls and had a smug look on her face. They were asking her questions, which she answered louder than necessary.

"How was it?" one girl asked.

The question made me flinch. The answer made me gag.

"The rumors are true. He is a god," Lauren answered with a bright smile.

"Will you see him again?" another girl questioned.

Fat chance. Lauren had a better chance of spontaneously regrowing her hymen. Slut.

"Jasper's not the kind of boy you date. He's good for one thing and one thing only. Okay, that's a lie. He's good for two," the whore answered as if she was giving a lesson.

What a bitch. Killing her was starting to seem like the only option. Seeing her blood splattered on the wall might allow me to get through the day. And where the hell was Rosalie when you needed her? She could dice that skanky blond with only her eyes.

In a bad repeat of two weeks ago, my mouth moved without the benefit of my brain backing it up. "Hey, Lauren. When did it become cool to brag about being used as a public receptacle?"

The room went silent, and Lauren's face turned red. "I wouldn't expect you to understand, Bella. You're probably still a virgin, aren't you?"

When did virginity become a bad thing? "You're right, I wouldn't understand. So do you think you could you answer some questions I have?" I asked sweetly. "Like, did he flush when he was done? Cause, I would like to know that you're ready for the next guy that enters your stall."

Her mouth dropped open. "Did you just call me a toilet?"

It wasn't my most original insult, but dammit, my brain was fried from the shit that was swamping my life.

"Didn't you just admit that you acted like one? Accepting bodily fluids from a guy you don't even know kind of makes you sound like one."

Lauren sat in her desk with a look of horror on her face as different people laughed from around the room. Her friends no longer looked at her with envy. It should have been a sweet moment for me, but it wasn't. All it did was make me hurt more. If I cared about a person who treated others with such little regard, what did that make me?

Calculus cemented my hurt. I was one of the first people to arrive in class and had the pleasure of watching Jasper stroll in right before the final bell rang. It was the first time I saw him since that night. My heart pounded hard, and my face flushed a deep red as he walked down the aisle to his desk. He didn't even glance at me.

I spent the whole class staring at his back searching for some sign that he was as affected by everything as I was. I picked up nothing. It was as if I never existed in his world. Jasper was relaxed and almost gleeful. He talked to Alice throughout the class and laughed like nothing was wrong. Each sound was like a needle being stabbed into different parts of me. I hurt all over from the pain of losing him and the realization that he wasn't who I thought he was.

When lunch came around, I joined Angela and Ben at our table. They both looked at me with pity in their eyes. We avoided the subject completely. In a repeat of the first day of school and everyday that followed, the whole cafeteria took notice when Jasper and his friends walked in the room. Once they sat at their table, the atmosphere returned to normal. Every day in this school was like a bad rerun. I hated it. Leaving town was starting to sound like a better idea with each passing minute.

"Bella," Angela said trying to get my attention.

My eyes were focused on my food. It was the only safe thing to look at in this school. Food never broke up with you. It lured you in with sweet smells and luscious flavors. It put meat on your thighs and fat on your butt, but it never broke up with you. Food was a guarantee. It would always want you, even if you didn't want it. Right now, I really didn't want it. I couldn't even find the will to pick at my food.

"Bella," Angela tried again.

"What?"

"He's staring at you again."

"Sure he is."

"He really is and has been for the last five minutes," she insisted.

"Humph. Typical."

I didn't bother looking up. Instead, I raised my right hand and flipped him the bird.

"Oohhh, he did not like that," Angela informed me.

"I really don't care what he likes."

It was true. I didn't care about what he liked. I cared about what he loved, and it wasn't me.

"He's still looking. I think he is waiting for you to look up at him," Angela continued.

I rolled my eyes. "Then he can keep waiting. I like looking at cold corn. It makes me happy." I kept my eyes on my tray and counted the small yellow kernels.

Angela gave up on me and started talking to Ben. It was about time. Her play-by-play was really unnecessary. I knew what Jasper was doing, a dumb blond with a sharp laugh and a dull wit.

When I walked into Chemistry twenty minutes later, I took my seat next to Edward. As soon as I sat down, he started talking about the one subject I wanted to avoid.

"I know you don't want to talk about him, but you need to know that Jasper regrets what happened," Edward informed me.

I turned to look at him. "I don't want to talk about this."

"He told me that he loves you."

Against my better judgment, a little flare of hope sparkled bright in my mind. It found its own little corner and hoped to expand into neighboring areas. Too bad I didn't take drugs. I would gladly kill those hopeful little brain cells because they made me ask a question I didn't want answered.

"What else did he say?"

"He said that he got scared and bailed on you. Lauren was in the right spot at the right time."

Only a guy would think that that explanation would make everything okay. "So, you're saying that Jasper got scared and slept with some random girl. But his loving me makes it okay."

Edward smiled like I had just given him a thousand dollars. "Yeah, that's exactly right."

Again, only a guy would think that that made things better. I shook my head at him. "That doesn't change anything."

"How does that not change things?"

"He broke up with me and then immediately slept with another girl. How the hell does him loving me fix that?"

"You're not listening. I told you that he got scared. He didn't mean what he said. There is no way he can stay away from you. You're the only person who makes him feel good about who he is. You don't realize what you've done for him," Edward explained.

"I don't care."

"Liar. Jasper wants you back. It will just take him a few days to admit it to himself. After that, there will be no stopping him. He already considers you his. Once he stops being such a damn coward, he'll come after you."

"Well, how nice for him that I'll just be waiting there for him to sweep me off my feet," I said sarcastically.

Edward missed the point. "Exactly."

"Does he have your balls in a death grip or something? There is no way you believe any of the shit coming out of your mouth."

He had the grace to look shamed by my words. I wondered if it finally hit him that so much of his opinions were determined by Jasper. There whole group was like one big cult. Jasper was their god, and all things about him trumped everyone and everything else. It was disgusting me now more than ever.

Hell, I was disgusting me now more than ever because I was just as bad as they were. I was quickly coming to the realization that who I was today was not the girl I was when this started. So many of my decisions were not in line with who I was. I became focused on becoming the girl that I thought Jasper needed instead of staying the girl that I was. She would never have let him lead her around or make all the decisions. She would never have pushed the boundaries of our physical relationship. She would have known that I wasn't ready. She wouldn't have gotten her heart broken because she was smarter than who I had become.

I glared at Edward. "Unlike you and your people, I don't live at his convenience. Just because he decides he wants me doesn't mean that I'll take him back. The world doesn't revolve around Jasper Whitlock. It would be nice if you and everyone else would realize that."

Okay. That was a lie. My world did revolve around the jerk. It was my biggest problem, but one I was willing to work on. No longer would I be at his beck and call. I wasn't one of them. I was better than that, or at least, I would become better than that.

When I walked into Study Hall, James gave me a concerned look. It brought back my little issue with Charlie. I had completely forgotten about the scene James witnessed on Saturday morning. As I took my seat, he angled his desk so that we could talk. It was frustrating. All anyone wanted to do was talk, and all I wanted was to hear the sweet sound of silence.

"How are you holding up?" he asked.

I laughed bitterly. Charlie was the very least of my problems. He didn't even register on my Richter Scale. "I'm fine. No worries."

"There is something I need to talk to you about."

If growling were an acceptable form of communication, I would have done it. Why did everybody want to yap at me? It was like I was surrounded by annoying puppies, and they would not stop barking.

James continued to drive me up the wall with his next statement. "It's about Charlie."

All I heard was Charlie. The rest of the words went in one ear and out the other. "James, let me make this clear. I Don't Want To Talk About Charlie." I practically shouted every word. He needed to get my message loud and clear.

James flinched like I slapped him. "What do you want to talk about?" he asked carefully.

I picked a subject at random. "Animal crackers."

He gave me a blank stare. "You're serious."

"Oh, yeah. Why not? What I want to know is why they are called crackers but taste like cookies?" I asked in my snarkiest tone.

James flinched back from the venom in my voice. I couldn't blame him. I was, after all, showing my bitch side today.

The door to the classroom opened, and Emmett and the others filed in like good little soldiers. Jasper walked in behind them with a huge smile on his face. I had never wanted to punch a person so bad in my life.

"So, what do you think? Are they cookies or crackers?" I asked in a nicer voice as I tried to ignore the other people that were seated to our right.

"Crackers."

I shook my head. "No, they're neither. They are a small piece of a global conspiracy to confuse children and leave them open to suggestion."

"What?"

"Think about. Half of the shapes are pretty ambiguous. The elephant and the camel are easy, but can you really identify the other animals with any degree of certainty?"

James seemed to be getting into the odd conversation. "What would be the benefit in giving children unidentifiable crackers?"

"The power of suggestion. You can tell a kid what shape that you want them to see, and they will agree. Why? Because they have bigger shit to worry about like the color of their Kool-Aid. As long as the cracker you give them tastes the same, it doesn't matter what it is. The important thing is that you're slowly training them to accept everything that you tell them."

"For what purpose?"

"Marketing. If a kid believes that the most expensive shoes make him run faster and jump higher, he will harass his parents until he gets what he wants. The shoes are essentially identical to the cheaper shoes, but it doesn't matter. The kid wants what he is told he should want from the commercials that he watches on television."

I heard Alice laugh and glanced at her. She and most of her group were listening to our conversation. Jasper was the only exception. He seemed overly interested in the book he was reading. It was probably a manual on how to be the biggest asshole on the planet. On second thought, he didn't really need a book on that particular subject.

My eyes returned to James. His confusion was obvious. "What else is involved in your little cracker conspiracy?" he asked.

"Self-esteem and the ability to learn. Take two students who are equally capable of learning a variety of subjects. You tell one that they are a superior math student but a poor speller. You tell the other just the opposite. If they hear it enough, you build up a negative association with the subject that they are supposedly not good at. This makes them become the very thing that you suggested despite their true abilities."

"Yeah, I get that, but what the hell does it have to do with animal crackers and global conspiracies?"

"Animal crackers are the gateway drug to a future of being told what you want and who you are. It all starts when a little girl asks for a rhino cracker, and you give her a moose cracker. You tell her it's a rhino, and she just goes along with it. It starts with cookies, moves to toys, and then lands on makeup. Eventually, we lose the ability to truly decide for ourselves because we are trained to accept the old bait and switch. Hell, most people don't even know when it happens."

James looked at me like I had grown an extra head. "You think too much, Bella. And you just ruined animal crackers for me."

It was a shame he didn't figure out that my lecture on mind control was actually a subtle slap at the other people in the room. James would have loved my thinly veiled barbs if I let him in on the joke.

I choose another subject that I picked out of a dark, musty corner of my brain. I wanted to use it to send an even stronger message to the one person I knew had understood everything that came out of my mouth.

"Just wait until I start talking about the evil that is Casper the Friendly Ghost," I said with an evil grin that mirrored the feelings of my newly blackened heart.

Alice giggled and moved to sit next to us. Rosalie joined her, and they both turned their chairs to where they were pointing at us. "Don't mind us. Please continue," Alice encouraged.

_Sure, I don't mind. I love when the people I insult are so stupid that they encourage me to continue my game. Dumb bitches._

"Okay. You got me. What's wrong with Casper?" James asked.

"It's a cartoon, right? And cartoons are entertainment for children, right?" I asked.

James nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah."

"So, what's entertaining about the ghost of a dead ten year old boy?"

Their jaws dropped open.

I looked at them sadly. "See. That's the problem. No one ever looks at it like that. What kind of message are we sending with this cartoon?"

Rosalie decided to contribute. "The whole point is that he is a friendly ghost. He wants to make friends. His age is what makes him relatable to his intended audience."

"Good point. It just seems to me that it would be dangerous to have our children relate to a dead child? A child who lures us in with his friendliness and exposes us to a world darker than what we realize. He's charming and cute, but he's dead. Nothing lives in him. He is an empty shell who glides in and out of darkness."

"Now, you've ruined Casper for me. You really suck, Bella," Alice pouted.

_Yeah, well you suck at being friends with people. You two-faced pixie bitch. You only thought I didn't realize who you really are. Let's leave drunk Bella with a strange guy. Let's only offer half a friendship. Let's throw down like animals. I know I can take you._

James knocked me out of my dark thoughts and back into reality. "What are you going to do now? Ask us to picture Mickey Mouse naked?"

"Now that you mention it. . ."

The bell rang and interrupted another topic that I could use to jab sharp knives at the asshole who sat just a couple of rows away from me. I really wanted Jasper to hear me compare the whore like nature of mice to the overly slutty behavior of certain teenage boys.


	19. Chapter 19 Family

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 19 - Family

My Monday showed no sign of improving. When I arrived home late in the afternoon, I found James sitting on my front porch. He had said he needed to talk to me and was obviously not going to take no for an answer. Rather than send him away, I decided to listen to what he had to say. What could it hurt? I would soon discover that it could hurt a lot.

We were sitting in the living room not saying anything. I wasn't feeling chatty, and he seemed to be trying to get up the nerve to speak. I was just starting to get impatient when he finally opened his mouth.

"I have to tell you something, and I know that you are going to hate me when you hear what I have to say."

Hate was a strong word, and I only applied it to a very few things in life. I hated fog. Most of my almost car accidents occurred on foggy days. I hated bananas. The texture of them was just nasty. I really hated Lauren Mallory. She could get stomped to death by stampeding wildebeests, and I would cheer happily. Like everyone else, I cried for Mufasa, but that death seemed appropriate for her. Lastly, I hated Jasper Whitlock with a blind, raging passion. The guy broke my heart and stomped it mercilessly. If James thought he could compare with foggy days, bananas, random whores, and blond assholes, he was going to have to try really hard.

"Just say what you have to say," I told him with a false smile.

"You know that I became friends with your father years ago. It was during a really rough time in my life, and he was the only person who showed me any sort of interest. I started spending a lot of time with him and eventually saw him as a real father figure."

James stopped talking and looked at me. He seemed to not want to continue. I could see from the expression on his face that whatever came next was the bad part. Shame and regret were coming off of him in waves. I was suddenly reminded of my earlier instincts regarding James. I had thought from the beginning that something was off about him. It looked like now I would be getting my confirmation.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry for what I let him convince me to do. I thought it was the right thing, and when I figured out that it wasn't, it was too late to really do anything about it."

I tried to reassure him. The sincerity on his face told me that he truly meant his words. Whatever he did, he regretted it deeply. "It's okay. Just tell me."

"Okay, but let me say a few things first."

"Fine. Say what you need to say," I offered hesitantly.

"All this time, I've felt so guilty. I thought if we became friends that it would help you forgive me. I tried to not push it too hard because I wanted you to like me."

James ran his fingers through his hair and groaned in frustration. I was starting to get worried that whatever had happened would be bad, very bad.

"I backed off the dating thing knowing that I didn't deserve you. You don't need some guy who the whole town thinks beat his mom." He stopped and looked at me desperately. "I didn't. I swear. She hits herself. The Chief even saw her do it. He was the only one who ever really believed me."

I stopped him there. "I believe you. I know you wouldn't do something like that."

"I didn't do that, but I did do something else." James ducked his head in shame. "I was just a stupid kid when I agreed to help the only person who had ever helped me."

"What did you do?" I asked softly.

Regret washed over his face. "Call your brother's cell phone," he said in a whisper.

It all hit me at once. I understood what he was telling me. The call was unnecessary, but I walked across the room and made it anyway. It would provide the confirmation that would crush the rest of my heart. I dialed the number and was not surprised when a ringing came from his jacket pocket.

He pulled out the phone and in a perfect impression of my brother's voice answered, "I'm so sorry, Bella."

We hung up the different phones at the same time. I stared across the room at him and saw tears slide down his face. As bad as I hurt, he was hurting, too. It didn't matter. I hated him. He robbed me of my brother.

"How long?"

He flinched at the question. "Four years."

"Get out," I ordered him coldly.

James left without protest. It was the one thing that might have saved him. Had he of said another word, I don't think that I could have controlled myself. Never had I been so furious. Never had I wanted to hurt someone so badly. White, hot anger dripped off of me in sheets as I held myself perfectly still. If I moved, there was no guarantee of what I would do.

Part of me understood his motives. He wanted a father. He would have done anything to get the approval of the one man he looked upon as a true dad. Could I say that I would have done the same? No, I wouldn't have made the same choice, but I could understand why he did.

Our friendship was over. It would be impossible to look beyond his actions. I thought back on some of the conversations I had with 'my brother'. All of the questions he asked about my life. My relief whenever 'Emmett' would take the time to talk to me. The mixed signals I would get. It all formed one big mess in my mind. So much of what had happened since I moved to Forks was a result of the actions of James and his false father figure.

Charlie. How could that man be my father? How could he deny his own son a mother and a sister? How could he live with himself knowing what he did? It was sickening how low my father would stoop to create distance between his children. What kind of monster would do that?

My brain split into two parts as I considered my options. One side screamed for a release of some kind. I desperately needed to confront Charlie with the truth of his actions, but in the end, I knew it would do no good. He would never regret what he had James do. It would only provide me with another instance of my father showing his lack of feeling for me. I had enough of those. The worst thing I could do to Charlie was to take away the one thing he loved, which was Emmett.

I had a hard decision to make. Should I tell Emmett the truth? If I did, would it do more harm than good?

Tears started running down my face as I focused all of my energies on my brother. What would he do if he learned the truth? He would hate Charlie and be very tempted to try to kill James. Emmett would then be forced to face the consequences of his actions. I had to decide if the truth was worth the pain that it would cause him. He deserved to know, but I didn't think I could give it to him. My brother loved our father. Losing that relationship would hurt him beyond anything. I didn't think that I could cause him that pain. I loved him too much.

Emmett was the true victim in all of this. Not only was he denied a relationship with me but with our mother as well. His actions after her death now made perfect sense. He would have been mourning a woman he hated yet still loved so much. The thought that any chance of reconciliation between the two of them was lost made me cry harder. He must have been so confused by her actions prior to the accident. The packages she sent him always held some kind of funny note. The presents were always picked out with such care after hearing him talk about his life, a life that wasn't his.

His opinions and feelings about Renee and me now made such perfect sense. How could Emmett not see his mother as a flighty, irresponsible person after receiving odd presents and then not ever hearing from her? How could he not treat me with such cold disinterest when I suddenly appeared in his life?

He couldn't. It was beyond my comprehension that he had some how managed to treat me as well as he did. It was then that I realized just how much my brother loved me. That knowledge helped provide me with the answer I sought. I had to tell him the truth. There were enough lies in my family. I wouldn't allow this one to stand between us any longer.

I picked up the phone and dialed Alice's number. She would either be with him or at the very least know where he was.

"Hello," she answered.

"Alice, is Emmett there? I need to talk to him."

"He's right here. Hold on."

. . . . . .

"Bella. Are you okay?" Emmett asked.

I started crying again when I heard his voice. I needed him so much. "Emmett, I'm okay. I just need to talk to you."

"You're not okay if you're crying. Where are you? I'll come get you. Just tell me where you are."

My voice was shaky as I answered. "You don't have to come get me. I'm at home."

"Just calm down, baby girl. I'll be right there," he promised.

We hung up, and I moved up to my room to wait for him. I didn't want to risk being downstairs if Charlie showed up.

Emmett arrived minutes later. He must have broken all speed records to get to me. When he saw me, he wrapped me into his arms. "You scared the shit out of me. What the hell is going on? Did someone hurt you?"

"No, I just need to talk to you."

He rubbed a soothing hand over my back. "Then, what the hell are you crying for?"

I stepped back slightly and looked up at him. "It's bad."

He led me over to my bed and sat me down. Emmett then sat so that we were facing each other. "Tell me what happened."

Now that it was time to talk, I was suddenly very nervous. I didn't know how he would react and was getting more and more nervous by the second. He could see it clearly.

He grabbed my wringing hands and held them still. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. It will be okay."

I shook my head. "It won't be okay, and you are going to be so mad. You have to promise me that you won't do anything. Promise me, Emmett."

A gentle hand reached up and brushed away the new tears that were spilling over. "Of course, I promise. I would do anything for you. You know that."

I took a deep breath and started telling him the news that would crush him. "When I lived with mom, we used to call you a couple of times a week."

His brow furrowed in confusion. "Charlie never told me that you called."

I ducked my head. "We didn't call the house. We called the cell phone number that he gave us. He said it was yours."

"Bells, you never called me."

"I know. Charlie set it up so that we thought we were talking to you, but we were actually talking to someone else. He must have told them enough to make it convincing. It wouldn't have taken much. You refused to talk to us that first year, which allowed enough time to elapse so that it wouldn't have been so obvious."

Emmett's face betrayed his doubt. "I don't understand. Where did you come up with this idea? There is no way that dad would have done that."

"James told me that Charlie convinced him to do it. It went on for the last four years."

All talking stopped as Emmett considered my words. After a few minutes of quiet, I could tell that he was starting to believe me. "Did you really call me?"

I looked into his sad eyes and nodded my head. "We both did. Mom always looked forward to it. She would call every Sunday and Wednesday, and I called a few times a week."

Tears started forming in his eyes. His next words would insure that I would hate my father for the rest of my life. "You didn't forget about me."

I threw my self at him and wrapped him in my small arms. "No, I didn't forget about you, and she didn't either. We always loved you."

We finally found our way back to each other after so many years. Time melted away as we became the children we once were. The love we shared never left. It was only hidden by the hurt that existed on both sides. Rather than react with the anger that I expected, Emmett focused all of his attention on his first priority. To my surprise, it was me.

His anger came later after hours of missing memories and untold stories were exchanged between the two of us. The storm arrived suddenly and was brought on by the arrival of our father. Emmett had already promised to leave James out of this, but he made no such promise when it came to Charlie.

"Get some clothes together," my brother instructed calmly before leaving my room to confront our father.

I had reluctantly agreed to let him handle the confrontation. Emmett was no fool. He knew how best to handle the situation. The worse thing he could do to Charlie was leave, which was exactly his plan. We would be staying with the Cullen's. He had already called and made the arrangements.

Other that telling Esme and Carlisle, we were going to keep the information about James quiet. It was Emmett's decision. He didn't want anyone to know our family business. To be honest, I didn't either. Even his friends were going to be kept out of the loop, which was a surprise. I thought he told them everything.

A loud thud sounded below causing me to grab up the bag that I had put together and rush downstairs. I hadn't heard any shouting or even any loud words being exchanged, so I didn't know what to expect. What I found was Emmett standing over Charlie who was sprawled on the ground holding his jaw.

"That was for my mother," Emmett ground out through gritted teeth before stepping forward and kicking him in the ribs. "And that was for my sister."

Charlie curled his arms around his chest and scooted across the floor trying to get out of harm's way. He was too focused on his pain to say a word. His only concern was in escaping the giant who stood in front of him.

I was surprised that my brother was so calm despite the anger that I knew was boiling inside of him. He delivered his kick and the words that followed with cold deliberation. Emmett was in complete control of himself.

He heard me enter the room and turned to look at me. The reassuring smile on his face let me know that he was going to be fine. All that he had gained overshadowed whatever anger he had. He may have lost his father, but today, he got back his mother and his sister.

I set my bag by the front door and walked to my brother's side. We stood side-by-side over Charlie who was moaning loudly.

Emmett grabbed my hand and looked down at our father. "I punched you for my mother, and I kicked you for my sister. Now, I'm leaving you for me."

We turned and left. Emmett never talked to Charlie again. As for me, I never talked to him or saw him again. That part of my life was over.

* * *

We arrived at the Cullen's with a bag in each hand. Esme and Carlisle stood at the front door with Edward by their side. They were now our family and would continue to be for the rest of our lives. Carlisle took Emmett up to his room while Esme showed me to mine. No words were exchanged. They knew we would talk when we were ready.

The next morning dawned bright. It was a rare sunny day, which seemed appropriate given the circumstances. I wandered downstairs after getting dressed and was greeted by Carlisle, who was in his robe and pajamas making pancakes for my brother and Edward. All three of them were laughing as Esme looked on with a small smile on her face.

The scene was surreal to me. It was the first evidence of true family that I had seen since coming to Forks. Everyone was in their places, the doting father, the proud mother, the smiling little brother, and the big, older brother with the syrup on the front of his shirt. It was too pretty and too perfect. I didn't feel like I fit in at all.

This was the life that Emmett was meant for. The thought warmed my heart. Seeing him smile after such a disastrous day was surprising to say the least, but it didn't slip my notice that the smile didn't quite reach his eyes. He might have been putting on a show, but I could see that he was hurting. It wouldn't take long, though, for the feelings to match. My brother would be fine. He would move beyond Charlie because what he gained was so much better than what he lost.

Rather than attend school that day, Esme suggested that Emmett and I take a day just for us. We both agreed to her plan without hesitation. A day with my brother sounded like a perfect kind of heaven. I had wanted to do that for so long.

After breakfast, Emmett and I cleaned up the kitchen while everyone else left for work or in Edward's case, left for school. We then ended up in the living room where we continued our conversations from the day before. After a couple of hours, I came up with an idea that I thought would really help us start to move on from what happened. We were going to visit Renee.

Our mother was buried in a cemetery in the small town of Daingerfield. It was a two-hour drive that went quickly while I told Emmett stories about hair-brained Renee. I started with the sewing class she took that ended with a single pillow and a five hundred dollar sewing machine that she never used. I told him about the random way she would pull me out of school to take me bird watching. I ended with a story about her trying to feed our neighbor's cat and then learning it was a wild skunk. The smell seemed to float in the air for weeks after she was sprayed.

When we arrived at the cemetery, Emmett sat by the grave for an hour before I finally joined him. We held hands while he finished telling her about his life. After he finished talking, the clouds opened and rain started pouring. It was a fitting end in my eyes. Renee always loved the rain. She said that it cleaned the Earth and allowed new life to grow. I seriously doubted that she was in heaven whispering suggestions to Mother Nature, but I felt sure that she would love that it was raining on us now.

Emmett and I raced to his truck and turned on the heat to help get us warmed up again. When I reached over and brushed off a leaf that was stuck to his shirt, he grabbed my hand. "Thank you for telling me the truth. I knew Charlie wasn't perfect, but I never thought he would do what he did. I'm so sorry that I didn't see him for who he really was."

"I'm sorry that I didn't come visit you. Mom wanted to, but Charlie always had one excuse after another. Plus, we remembered how angry you were about the divorce. I think in the end she just decided that it would upset you more if she pushed the issue. She didn't worry, though. She always told me that you would find your way back to us. She was such a free spirit that she wanted you to do it on your own schedule. It was the only thing we ever really argued about. I always told her that she was wrong for not putting her foot down and coming to get you."

He shook his head sadly. "I wouldn't have listened. Charlie had me convinced of so many bad things about both of you. When lies are all you hear, eventually, you come to believe them."

"That may be true, but Renee should have tried."

"So, they're both screw ups. It doesn't matter, though. I'm not going to let this shit hurt me anymore. All it does is give Charlie power, and I'm not going to do it. All that matters now is you and me. You're my family, Bells. Everything else is just details."

Emmett was right. We could keep wallowing in all of the stuff that hurt us, or we could move on. Our father would want me to hurt, and I wouldn't give him the satisfaction. I had my brother back. The rest as he said was just details. "I love you, Emmett."

"I love you, Bella."


	20. Chapter 20 Flour and Ashes

**First Love Lost**  
Chapter 20 - Flour and Ashes

The rest of the week was a blur of change. While our school interactions remained much the same, Emmett and I now spent every morning before class together. He would then go off and join his friends. We also moved more of our stuff over to the Cullen house. I still didn't feel like I fit in with the family, but I was trying to hide my discomfort.

I think part of the problem was the Jasper issue. I had that one secret that I was still keeping from Emmett. It wasn't so much that I didn't want to tell him. It was just that I thought he had had enough turmoil in his life. The Jasper story could wait. Besides, it still hurt too much for me to talk about him. It made little sense, but the Charlie issue was easy compared to the Jasper issue. I guess it comes from knowing that my father had never cared for me. I had unfortunately convinced myself that Jasper did.

I don't know if it was a defense mechanism or what, but when I was not at school, my world returned to normal. All thoughts of the blond god with the small heart became quieter and less painful. When I was at school, my world became Planet Jasper all over again. My school week followed a similar pattern to Monday. I saw him, and my heart broke. He saw me, and I was invisible.

At least one good thing happened, Lauren finally shut her trap. I still wanted to kill her, but motive and opportunity were working against me. The Lauren Factor was quickly growing more painful with each day as my imagination painted a vivid picture that made my whole body flinch.

As the week continued, I noticed that Jasper seemed to be deteriorating slowly. He skipped all day Wednesday without any of his friends joining him. Edward was worried, but everyone else just laughed it off.

On Thursday, he showed up for school but couldn't be bothered to show up on time to any of his classes. I couldn't understand what his problem was. I saw him more than ever that day, and every time it was like seeing a different person. One time, he was laughing like an idiot with Emmett. Another time, he was pushing people out of the way and glaring at the different students who walked by. The worst was when I saw him leaning in to some girl he had pressed up against a door. As Jasper whispered in her ear, she giggled like an idiot. His little display insured that Lauren was no longer alone on the list of people that I secretly needed to kill to maintain any sort of control.

By Friday, his loyal group of friends were finally showing their disapproval over his sudden change in personality. Gone were the shared jokes and private conversations. Each of them began to subtly distance themselves from him. Jasper didn't even notice. It was unreal watching someone disappear into someone else entirely, which was exactly what he seemed to do. I didn't know this person I saw, and neither did anyone else. One thing was sure; none of us liked him.

The game that week did not go well. We won but not by the usual large margin. There was no team unity. Our players even started to argue with each other on the field. Edward had to separate Jasper and James twice in the first half. After the second time, the coach benched James who threw his helmet on the ground in disgust.

The real turning point occurred in the third quarter. Jasper was tackled and kicked the opposing player in the chest as he tried to get off of him. The refs called a penalty on Jasper for unsportsmanlike conduct, which was his third. With this one, they finally ejected him from the game. In response, our stands went insane booing and hissing the call, which was absurd. Jasper deserved what he got.

With him gone, our team started getting serious and ended up winning the game. James was put back in and scored the final two touchdowns of the game. One of Angela's biggest complaints about our team was that he was underutilized. After watching him play, I had to agree. Though I was still very angry with him, I was glad for him at the same time.

It was strange, but I felt a strange kinship with the guy, even though he had done something so wrong to my brother and me. I think my brother felt it as well. Emmett kept his promise to leave James alone, which I was glad for, but it didn't stop my brother from having a long conversation with him about what had happened. They both came out of it unscathed, and James made sure to keep his distance from both of us.

After that night, Jasper went from bad to worse. The first three days of the next week he attended class but would only show up for the last ten minutes. His appearance became more haggard. If he slept more than a few hours a night, I would be surprised. Darks circles marred the skin under his eyes, and he wore the same clothes both days. The worst part was that no one tried to stop his behavior. Teachers and administrators ignored it completely. The students continued to look at him in awe.

On Tuesday and Wednesday, I decided that I had to help him. I was still pissed about Lauren, but my worry for him was overriding my anger. I approached him twice trying to talk, but he ignored me as if I wasn't there. Only at lunch did he ever look at me. He would watch me the whole time, but I would never meet his gaze. Even when I tried talking to him, I couldn't look at him. It was cowardly of me, but I was afraid of what I would see.

Jasper wasn't the only one affected by our separation. The control I had on my emotions the first week slipped away with each passing day. A burning hole in my chest opened up and progressively increased in size with everyday that went by. My appetite all but disappeared, and I stopped sleeping. The latter was helped along by the nightly phone calls that started after the last game. It was a wonder that the Esme and Carlisle never said anything, but I think they were so accustomed to Edward's friends behaving oddly that they didn't even blink at the thought of late night phone calls.

At midnight on the dot, the phone would ring. When I answered it, no one was there, but I knew it was him. Rather than hang up, I would curl into a ball on my bed and hold the receiver to my ear. Neither of us ever spoke. Eventually, he would hang up, and it never failed to make me cry. Our separation was slowly eating away at my soul as I began to weaken again. The worst part was that I couldn't seem to stop the slide.

On Thursday of the second week, an incident occurred that proved things where not going to get any better. Jasper skipped the first half of school and only showed up for the first time at lunch. As usual, he watched me while Angela provided the play-by-play.

"He finally showed up. Alice is talking to him, but he's ignoring her."

"Please, stop," I begged.

Angela shook her head. "Nope. I'm hoping you two will get smart and realize that you belong together. Until that happens, I'll keep pushing the issue."

I tried to ignore her and stared down at my tray. Why did it have to be carrots? Orange food was the worst. It reminded my of a cheap blond with a fake tan who giggled and picked fights with new students. Lauren was the bane of my existence. Her shrill laughter never failed to make me see red. I was desperate to see her blood. The only way I made it through English was to imagine the different ways I could dispose of her body. Today was a wood chipper. Yesterday was feeding her to pigs. The thought of tomorrow made me smile. Plus, the idea of bacon didn't hurt. Pork fat could work magic on anyone's mood.

"Oh, this isn't good," Angela sounded worried.

_What now?_

"Some freshmen are standing in his way again. They're right in front of his table."

A loud bang reverberated through the room that had suddenly gone completely silent. "What was that?" I asked nervously.

When Angela's eyes got big, I finally looked up from my food. Jasper had kicked his chair across the room. He then walked up to a kid who was a foot shorter than him grabbing him roughly by the collar and lifting him off the ground. The poor kid was scared out his mind. His face was pale white, and his eyes were frightened. When I realized that no one was going to help him, I moved my chair back and started to stand up.

Angela grabbed my arm and whispered, "Don't, Bella. Emmett is getting up. He'll take care of it."

Emmett stood up and put a restraining hand on Jasper's shoulder. With the room so quiet, everyone could hear what was said. "What the hell is wrong with you? Put him down. He's just a kid."

Jasper ignored my brother and continued glaring at the boy. "Stay the fuck away from my table," he demanded in a cold voice. "Do you understand?"

When the boy didn't answer, Jasper lifted him higher off the ground. "Nod your head, or say something."

He didn't understand that his victim was too frightened to talk or move. Edward finally got up and pulled the boy away from Jasper.

If there was any doubt in mind before that this school was seriously screwed up, there wasn't any now. What the hell kind of place lets a student attack another student and go unpunished? Teachers watched with interest, but no one made a move to do anything. It was the most screwed up thing I had ever seen in my life. There were truly no boundaries for Jasper. He could do whatever he pleased, and it was becoming readily apparent that that was just what he did. It was disgusting and wrong.

Worse yet, he didn't even look remotely concerned. This was exactly what was wrong with him. He knew he was untouchable and took advantage of it at every opportunity. The only people who could call him on his shit were at his own table. The final cracks began to form in their group when one of them finally had enough of his crap.

With the kid gone, Emmett pushed Jasper from behind. "Have you lost your fuckin' mind? What the hell are you doing?" my brother shouted.

Jasper spun around and got in Emmett's face. "You are the last person who should be pushing me right now, Emmett."

_Oh, shit._ This was not good.

"What's that supposed to mean?" my brother asked.

Jasper smirked at him. Just when he started to say something, Edward stepped between them pushing them apart.

Emmett backed off immediately. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but you need to put a stop to this shit," he shouted angrily.

"I already did," Jasper replied before turning and walking away from his friends.

The noise in the room never did pick up again. People were stunned by what had happened, but it was obvious that the apparent rift in the group shocked them more. All eyes were on my brother and his friends as they sat at their table in silence. They all seemed to dull in front of my eyes. Whatever spark they had was extinguished when Jasper walked away from them. I knew then that damage had been done today, and I was left wondering how much.

When I arrived in Chemistry class, Edward was waiting for me. He whispered in my ear to follow him, and I did. We walked through the school and went to the parking lot. After we got settled in his car, he turned to me and started talking.

"You need to stay away from him, Bella. Don't try to fix this." His voice was serious.

I closed my eyes trying to fight the tears that threatened to spill over. "How am I supposed to do that?"

He ignored my question and asked one of his own. "Has he tried to contact you?"

"He still calls every night but doesn't talk. He'll stay on the phone for several minutes and then hang up."

"Has he come to the house at all?"

"You know that he hasn't. Why are you asking me these things?"

Edward rubbed a hand along the back of his neck. "I want to know how much distance he is keeping from you. After what happened today, I don't think it's safe for you to be around him."

"Don't be ridiculous. He would never hurt me. He wouldn't have even hurt that kid today at lunch. All he was doing was trying to scare him."

He shook his head at me. "You don't know that for sure."

"Yeah, I do. Jasper isn't like that. You know that as well as I do."

"No, I don't know that, but what I do know it that what happened today only made things worse. Emmett will never accept you two together. It put an end to any chance you might have had."

_We had no chance from the beginning. _

"Fine with me. We weren't going to be together anyway. Have you not been paying attention to what he has been doing? Why would I want to be with a guy who acts the way he does and has a different plaything every night?"

"When are you going to stop believing everything you hear? Those girls lie thinking that it makes them look better. With the exception of Lauren, Jasper hasn't slept with any of the girls at our school."

I shook my head. "That's not possible. Not even Rose and Alice believe that."

"That's because they're just like everyone else around here. They assume that when they see him with someone that he must be sleeping with them. He is extremely private about his life so I don't bother to correct them. Hell, even Emmett thinks Jasper is some kind of man whore," Edward explained.

I still found it hard to believe. "I don't get it. Where . . no wait. Who. . . Ahhh. I don't know how to ask what I want to know."

Edward smiled at my struggles. "Here's the deal. Jasper has a few girls like Maria that he always met up with in the past. They weren't girlfriends. It was just mutually beneficial meetings between like-minded people. He didn't want a relationship and neither did they."

"I don't see how people can believe the rumors if he's never seen with anyone."

He cocked an eyebrow at me. "This coming from the girl who argued so strongly about animal crackers and the power of suggestion. People believe what they are told to believe. Besides, he hasn't left Alice's house for longer than thirty minutes all week. All he does is stand on the balcony of that room you stayed in. When it gets too cold, he sits in bed drinking all night."

That's just terrific. Why doesn't he just put an announcement in the newspaper? It would be less obvious. "What does everyone say about that?"

"They're hopelessly blind. I thought Alice would figure it out, but him leaving with Lauren eliminated all of her fears where you were concerned. She thinks all of this is related to Maria. Rose and Emmett never thought he would be interested in you from the beginning. Your name hasn't even been mentioned."

Hearing Edward's explanation did nothing for my ego. Was I that far beneath Jasper that no one could picture us together? It was pretty insulting.

Edward must have sensed my thoughts. "Stop thinking you're not good enough. You're too good, and it's killing him."

I shook my head. His words made no sense to me.

He sighed heavily. "You still haven't figured it out, have you? Not that I can talk. I only just realized what he's doing."

"What is he doing?"

"This whole thing, all of it, is his fucked up way of helping you. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the thing with Lauren was a lie, especially considering how hung up he is on you. All he had to do was make you think he slept with her. He didn't actually have to go through with it, and even if he didn't, Lauren would lie and say that he did."

_Not possible. _I couldn't allow myself to believe that. It provided me with too much hope. "You don't know what you're talking about."

Edward tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "Jasper doesn't think like anyone you've ever met. If he thinks hurting you is the best way to help you, he will do it. In his mind, he is destroying who you are, and he's probably right. Look at what he has done to all of us. None of us in the group have a mind of our own, and he doesn't try to stop controlling us. But, you changing into someone other than who you are is his worst nightmare."

It made sense in a sick, twisted way, which lined up perfectly with Jasper. He was always working an angle. "I don't know how I feel about what you said. All of this is confusing me. I don't understand."

"This stuff you're seeing is a hint of who he really is. He doesn't care if he hurts people, Bella. He will throw everyone to the wolves if it suits his purposes. For some reason, he won't do that to you. That's why he is pushing you away because you're the only person he thinks is worth saving. All of the rest of us don't matter, or he would do the same."

"So, what do you think I should do?"

"My suggestion is for you to take this as a gift and run far away. If you stay here, you'll take him back, and when you do, you'll regret it because he will eventually hurt you. That is why Emmett won't be okay with you two. He knows that Jasper is damaged beyond what you can fix. You just haven't realized it yet."

I was actually starting to agree with him. The thought made me feel like a real bitch, but I couldn't help it. It was finally dawning on me that I didn't know Jasper near as well as I thought I did.

There was one more thing I wanted to know. "If this is how you feel, why did you try to help us stay together?"

Regret shadowed his face. "I thought you could make a difference. I thought you could change him, but I was wrong."

Edward was right. Nothing would change Jasper.

"When did you suddenly grow a mind of your own?" I asked.

"It's amazing how much different your brain works when you stop letting other people tell you how to think. It doesn't hurt that I haven't had a drink since the party." He glanced at me and smiled his crooked grin. "I'm getting myself back, Bells. You should, too."

He was right again, but I couldn't resist one last attempt at helping Jasper. "Is there any way we can help him?" I asked.

"We can't. All of us have tried, and it only made him worse."

"What happens now?"

He was silent for several seconds before finally answering. "After what happened at lunch, I don't know what will happen. Study Hall will answer a few questions. He'll either show up or not."

Jasper didn't show up. He left school and didn't come back. When Edward and Emmett came home, they explained that Jasper was nowhere to be found. I wondered briefly if he had gone to the cabin but didn't mention it. If Jasper wanted his friends to know about that place, he would have told them. If they showed up out of nowhere, he would be furious.

When the phone rang at midnight, I rushed to answer it. Rather than stay quiet, I tried talking to him.

"Jasper. Talk to me," I begged.

nothing

"Please, talk. You're scaring me."

silence

"Fine. Don't talk. Listen."

I searched for something to say. It couldn't be serious, or he would hang up. Finally, I settled on a story from my childhood that I hadn't told him. He always liked hearing about my past.

"When I was seven years old, my family went on a camping trip. We were traveling through Texas. I loved it there. The sky was blue, and the weather was hot. We set up camp right next to a lake so clear that you could see the pebbles that lined the bottom. Emmett and Charlie rented a boat and went fishing while Renee and I went swimming. I met this little boy who made me laugh. He had the funniest accent. All of his words were drawn out and slow. I asked if he was stupid, and Renee swatted me for it. The little boy just laughed and told me that I didn't talk right either."

I smiled at the memory. It was the best summer that my family and I spent together. After that year, our family began to slowly fall apart, but I would always have the memory of how close we once were.

"We splashed and played all day until his mother came to get him. They lived in a huge house on the lake. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Her blond hair was in two long braids that hung on her shoulders, and she had the prettiest blue eyes. They were lighter than yours, and they seemed to sparkle when she laughed. The little boy made her hug me before they left. He said it was because no one smelled as good as his mama. When she hugged me, I held on tight. She smelled like strawberries. To this day, I only use strawberry shampoo and soap because it makes me think of her and her son."

I pulled a lock of my hair to my nose and breathed in deeply. It brought me right back to that time. I loved it.

"The trip wasn't all good. I burned my feet in the ashes of the fire. Charlie put out the fire at night before we went to bed. In the morning, I woke up before everyone else and looked at the ashes. When I saw them, they made me think of flour. I know that probably sounds odd but just listen. Renee used to put flour in the freezer and then let me run my hands through it. I always loved the feeling. I still keep a bag in the freezer just in case I decide to play with it. It sounds silly, and it is. But when I do it, I picture my mom standing there next to me laughing."

My story gave me an idea. "Hold on. I'm going to go get it."

I set the phone down and ran to the kitchen. A minute later, I was back upstairs.

"Are you still there?"

nothing

"Fine. Don't talk," I pouted. "Okay, I'm going to open the bag. Uhmm. It feels like water. It's as cold as ice, but it doesn't sting. It's smooth and soft, and when I rub my fingers together, it feels like lotion. But lotion doesn't feel this good. It's too greasy. When I do this, I always think that this is what it must feel like to run you're hands through the clouds. Do you remember that first day at the dock? Well, when we were picking out shapes in the clouds, I was imagining this feeling."

I stopped talking for a minute. I remembered why I didn't tell him at the time what I was thinking.

"You probably think this is pretty stupid. Don't you. Anyway, back to my story. When I saw the ashes, I thought of the flour and assumed that it would feel like that. It didn't. I hopped in with both feet, and a gray cloud surrounded me. My screaming would have brought the dead to life. Everyone came running out of the tent. Charlie grabbed me out of the ashes and set me on a fallen log. Emmett sat by me and held my hand while Renee doctored my feet. I wasn't burnt badly, but it hurt something awful."

I started rubbing the bottom of my left foot with my flour-coated fingers. The cold was so different from the heat I felt that morning.

"I was so scared that Charlie would be mad at me, but he wasn't. After sitting down in front of me and drying my tears, he told me that sometimes you have to get burnt so you could learn to avoid the flames, and that now I would know not to play with fire. Renee disagreed with him. She said that sometimes you have to walk through fire to get what you want, and that because I came out on the other side okay I wouldn't have to fear the heat when I had to do it again in the future. I didn't understand what either of them meant at the time, but I always remembered their words."

I paused for a second before continuing. I expected to hear the click of the phone when he hung up, but it didn't come. Since Jasper was still on the line, I continued.

"Now that I understand what they meant, I prefer Renee's reasoning. Anything worth having involves a little risk. Besides, isn't life more fun when we occasionally allow ourselves to dance with the devil?"

silence

A second later, he hung up the phone. A second after that the tears started and didn't stop.

I cried for Charlie, who would never love me. I cried for Renee, who was always too flighty and joyful. I cried for Emmett, who had missed so much and only just now had back. I cried for Jasper, who was my own personal devil. Lastly, I selfishly cried for myself. In my heart, I knew that I was a Charlie. If given the choice, I would avoid the flames because it hurt too damn much to get burnt. I was a coward, and in its own way, that knowledge was a fire that burned me worse than any other could.


	21. Chapter 21 Eye Contact

**First Love Lost  
**Chapter 21 - Eye Contact

When Friday arrived, I had hoped to see an improvement in Jasper. I didn't. He was now ignoring his own friends as well as everyone else around him. The first two classes of the day passed by with little contact between Jasper and me.

It wasn't much different for anyone else. He completely ignored Alice. She tried talking to him when she walked into Calculus, but it was as if she wasn't there. Her words of warning from the first day of school returned to my brain in a painful rush. I did the exact thing that she said I would. I destroyed her family. If I was perfectly honest, I had to admit that I only helped in the destruction of her family, which probably needed to be destroyed anyway. Besides, Jasper was the one who choose to distance himself from his friends. Most of this was on his shoulders. I refused to take all of the blame. Call me rotten and selfish, but it was the truth as I saw it.

My fourth period class brought with it an uncomfortable talk with Esme. Tuesday was the usual meeting of her group after school, and I had forgotten it completely. She only mentioned it in passing when I saw her at home that afternoon. Attendance wasn't mandatory by any means, but my absence was noted. Apparently, that wasn't the only absence that had drawn attention.

"Bella, can I see you in my office?" Esme requested.

I followed her inside and sat in one of the chairs in front of her desk.

"We missed you at the meeting on Tuesday."

"I forgot," I reminded her.

"It happens. I wouldn't have thought much about it if you didn't seem to be a little off here lately."

Great. I was hoping she hadn't noticed. "I'm fine. No worries. It's probably just all of the business with Charlie."

Esme crossed her arms over her chest. "That's what I thought until I had a talk with Mr. Banner an hour ago. He told me that you and Edward have been skipping class or leaving it altogether. Is there something you would like to say about that?"

I couldn't very well tell her that my first thought was to wipe the Earth of Mr. Banner's existence. She might think that I was serious, which I kind of was. Why did he suddenly decide to grow a pair and talk to the group mother that was played by the lovely Esme Cullen? The answer was simple. Edward and I didn't have any real power. Jasper was the one with the influence, and the teachers had started to take notice of the rift in the group.

I gave her an innocent smile and made my excuse. "I was having some problems, and Edward was helping me work through them."

"Would those problems have anything to do with Jasper Whitlock?"

_Damn, she's good. _"No, why would they?" I lied.

"Bella, I know that Jasper has been having some problems, which coincidentally started at the same time you began acting differently."

I had nothing to say.

Esme's eyes seemed to be searching mine. I was determined to give her nothing.

She continued with an understanding look on her face. "He is a very charismatic young man. A person could find themselves drawn to him fairly easy and not know what they are really getting in to until it's too late."

_If you only knew. _"Is there something you want to ask me?"

"I'm not trying to upset you, but I will not deny that I'm concerned. Jasper isn't someone you want to mess with. If you dive into that pool, you may not be able to swim. Just be careful, and if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here."

My guard lowered slightly. I was tempted to talk to her. My discussion with Edward had left me with more questions than answers, and trusting Esme wasn't a problem. She was one of the few people who truly cared for me.

"Everyone talks about him like he's so dangerous, but he's not like that at all. I don't understand why people don't see what I see," I told her.

_Did I just say that? I'm starting to spout out crap that I don't even believe. I know Jasper isn't good for me._

She moved to the chair next to mine. "My concern is that he isn't who you think he is or who I think he is. Every time I talk to him, it's like meeting a different person."

"You don't like him, do you?" I asked.

She smiled sadly. "Oh, I like him. I just don't trust him."

I listened to her words and considered them carefully. It would be stupid to disregard her opinion. She had seen more of the world than I had and possessed a deeper understanding of people than I probably ever would.

In all honesty, her concerns matched my own. Did I really know who Jasper was? Was I ready for the kind of relationship that I would have with him? We weren't the kind of couple who started slow and took our time. If we got back together, our relationship would be even faster this time. Everything about us would be a mad dash to the finish. It all felt like too much too soon and left me frightened, especially considering how it ended before.

It was now lunchtime, and I was in the cafeteria with Angela staring at my vegetable of the day. Green beans were a nice change from the carrots and corn.

As I stared at my plate, Angela continued with her favorite past time, the Jasper commentary of the day. "Bella, I think you should try talking to him again."

"No. All he does is ignore me."

"Well, he's not ignoring you now. Would you please look at him? I'm getting tired of the same old thing every single day. All he does is watch you. It's making me nervous."

She was nervous. What a laugh. "If Jasper makes you nervous, how do think he makes me feel? It's no fun being on the receiving end of his attentions."

Ben joined us. "Oh, boy. It's rerun Friday. I really think we should look into a restraining order," he suggested. "The guy is slowly flipping his lid."

He might have been right about that, but I wasn't going to admit it. "Don't be mean. He's just having a rough time right now."

_Quit lying to yourself, Bella._

Angela rolled her eyes. "A rough time of his own making. Now, his friends aren't even talking to him. He's sitting all alone today. They didn't even bother to show up for lunch."

When Ben agreed with her, I frowned at them both. "You have no idea what got him on this path."

Angela shook her head at me. "Seriously, Bella you need to pull your head out of the sand. The guy is in love with you, and it's driving him crazy that you're not together."

I wanted to disagree. I wanted to close my ears and erase the words from my head, but I couldn't. The truth was that I knew he loved me. I also knew that it wasn't enough. The one thing I needed most was something that he could never provide me, stability. I had never had any, and I needed it desperately. Jasper was a constant earthquake. When I was with him, my feet were never on solid ground. They were slipping and sliding underneath me and changing all the best parts of who I was.

"Angela, you don't know what you're talking about," I lied.

She groaned in frustration. "Okay then. Look at him. Instead of being a coward, raise your little head up, and look at him. It's written all over his face. I don't see how people are so oblivious to that fact."

Oblivious was easy. Anyone with two functioning eyes and a brain could see that I was totally out of his league. No one could picture us together. The idea of Jasper and me being a couple was laughable at best. At worst, it was a disaster. We were together for only a brief amount of time, and it had already turned into this mess. A retread would probably leave one of us dead.

"Bella," she said trying to get my attention. "Save my sanity, and look at him."

_No. _Seeing him weakened my resolve. I could control my thoughts better when I wasn't lost in him.

Lost was the perfect word. I was as lost as everyone else when it came to Jasper. He blew into my life and transplanted me into a world of tangled vines. This world of his threatened to pull me down into a place too dark to make my way out of. I couldn't let myself do that. I had to be strong, or I would lose who I was. I wouldn't make that sacrifice, not for Jasper or anyone else.

Angela slapped her hand on the table. "Look at him."

_Okay. Now, I'm starting to get pissed. Was she trying to push me into rush hour traffic? Clumsy Bella just got hit by a car. Stupid Bella just got blown away by the wind speeds of a hurricane. Violent Bella just punched Angela in the face._

My hand started to curl up into a fist. It was tempting beyond belief. I was tired of the pushing and the pulling. I was sick of this damn school with its sheep and its fucked up hierarchy. I had had just enough of everyone thinking that they knew what was better for me than I did.

I wanted to scream at the walls and dare someone to stop the rampage that my brain was starting to rationalize. I hated violence as much as the next person, but damn. A few of these people needed a hard slap and brutal beat down. There was no end in sight for me and the nightmare that my life was becoming. I was starting to hate everything and everyone around me. Putting up with this shit was going to end me.

This whole town needed someone mad enough to hold their middle fingers up high and deliver a clear and cold _'Fuck You'_. Jasper was the biggest ass out of all of them. He was the captain of a sinking ship and was going to bring everyone down with him.

My mind was starting to delve into dark plans that were best left alone. Rather than let that happen, I had to stand up tall. I was going to give the devil his due. I was going to look at him and show him that the games were over and the decision made.

My heart fluttered in my chest, and my stomach tightened with nerves. I had managed to avoid eye contact with him ever since that night. Even when I tried to talk to him I didn't look at him. After talking to him last night on the phone and not getting a response, I was even more hesitant. After taking a few steadying breaths, I finally raised my head, and I failed miserably.

The world faded in the background as I stared into his pain filled eyes. He was hurting so much, and it was written all over him. Minutes went by unnoticed as we watched each other from across the room. No one else existed in that moment. The school could have collapsed around us without our knowing. Seeing him brought back all the feelings I had been trying to avoid. I wanted so bad to touch him, and his eyes held the same need.

Angela shook my arm to get my attention. "You have to breathe, Bella."

I glanced at her in confusion. "What?"

"Breathe."

I needed to get out of this room. It was too crowded and too loud. In a mad rush, I gathered my things and ran out the door. I walked through the halls of the school and tried to figure out a place to go when I finally settled on the classroom that I had visited with Alice and Jasper. When I stepped into the room, I felt my body start to relax. There was no one here that I needed to hide my feelings from. The stress of that was hurting me almost as much as being away from Jasper. A flicker of a memory danced along the seams of my mind.

"_Defy their expectations, just like you do mine." _Our journey began in this room. How ironic.

With slow steps, I walked across the room and leaned against the far wall. I closed my eyes and visualized his face. It had been a mistake to look at him. All it did was prove to me that I was not anywhere near being over him. I could live to be a thousand, and I still wouldn't be over him. I had thought my anger had made me strong enough to handle him, but it wasn't. Would anything be enough? How could a person I've known two months affect me so much? I survived eighteen years without him, but now, I could barely make it from one day to the next.

The sound of a door closing made me open my eyes. I wasn't surprised to see him. Part of me was expecting Jasper to follow me here. When I heard the click of the lock, my heart dropped. I thought of Edward's words from the day before but pushed them aside. Jasper wouldn't hurt me, at least not physically.

He walked across the room slowly as if he expected me to take flight. The thought was tempting, but I knew my feet wouldn't cooperate. When I wanted to run, they planted themselves into the floor. When I wanted to stay still, they moved of their own volition. My feet were probably the smartest part of my body when it came to him. Right now they understood that the best way to provoke him would be to give him something to chase.

When he stopped in front of me, only a few feet separated us. I avoided looking up at him. Eye contact would lead us down a bad path.

"What do you want?" I asked.

He smirked. "The same thing I've wanted since the first moment I saw you."

"You'll get nothing from me."

"That's not true. We both know you'll give me whatever I want." Arrogance coated his every word.

"Not anymore, I won't," I told him honestly.

I heard him laugh softly. "That's not true," Jasper insisted.

"If you want something, go ask Lauren. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to see to your needs."

He stepped closer and placed his right hand on my neck. With gently pressure, he ran his thumb along my jaw. "Are you jealous, Bella?"

I moved to the side and knocked his hand away. "You don't get to touch me anymore."

"Not fair. Touching you is exactly what I want."

It was not going to happen. The Jasper I cared about was gone. This replacement was not going to get to lay a finger on me. At least, that's what I tried to tell myself.

When I ignored his words, he groaned in frustration. "Why won't you look at me?" he asked.

The truth. We were in a place where we are all alone and unlikely to be discovered. If I looked at him again, I wasn't sure of what I would do. All of my carefully built walls would likely crumble. Even in his current state, Jasper was the best and worst sort of temptation for me.

"How am I supposed to win you back if you won't look at me?"

I couldn't look at him, and I couldn't let him win me back. Jasper had already hurt me once. What was stopping him from doing it again? Any hopes I had for us were driven away by that fear. Adding to it was the issue of me. I didn't like the girl I was when I was with him. She was weak and blind. She would let him lead her to a cliff and jump alongside him. She was a fool. There were more reasons for me to run than to stay.

"Bella, are you zoning out on me again?"

"No."

It was the truth. I wasn't zoning out. Like the flip-flopper that I was proving to be, I was now contemplating just how stupid this guy was. If he had come in here and acted like My Jasper, things would have been so different. Instead, the arrogant jerk showed up. Why couldn't he say something that would push my fears away? Why couldn't he make me stronger? Why was it that all the times before he had known just what to say to me? And now when I needed him the most, he only said the wrong words.

"Then why aren't you talking to me?" he asked.

Rather than speak to him, I turned away and stood by one of the windows so that I could look outside. This guy would never understand how I felt. He wouldn't care either.

"Good call, sweetheart. I wouldn't want you to talk. You'll just change your mind in five minutes anyway," he taunted.

_What the hell does that mean? _

"You're really not going to say anything. How is that possible? You never seem to run out of that self-righteous bullshit you like to throw at me. When are you going to realize that you're not morally superior to me? Hell, you're just as fucked up as I am. You just hide it better," he said with disgust in his voice.

I continued to ignore him and focused my attention off into the distance. Had I of been smarter, I would have left. It would have saved me from hearing his next words.

"Do you know what is so disappointing about you, Bella? You can't decide what the hell you want. From one day to the next, I don't know whether you're going to pull me in or push me away. You say you're concerned, but you won't help me. You answer my phone calls, but you won't look at me. Last night, you tell me a story that encourages me to risk everything to be with you, but then you don't hold up your end of the bargain. So, do you think you could make up your goddamn mind before you drive me crazy?"

All my previous anger turned to shame. I was pulling him in and then pushing him away. I played with his heart just as surely as he played with mine. Tears started to trail down my face as his words continued to slice at my heart. It wouldn't have hurt so much if the things he said weren't so true. It was infuriating to know that he was right about me. I fought for control over the pain he was causing me and tried to bring back my anger from earlier. It would hopefully provide me with the means to come out of this whole confrontation unscathed.

After I showed no sign of acknowledging him, Jasper turned me around to where I was facing him. When I finally looked up, I was ready to give him back some of what he gave me.

"You could have left the act outside the door. You're friends aren't here, and neither is the rest of the school. I know who you are, and it's not the prick standing in front of me. So, if you want to talk to me, cut the crap."

Jasper started laughing, which only fueled my anger.

I stuck my index finger in his chest and pushed hard. "You act so pissed off and damaged by this town and the things these people expect of you. The whole time you play your little games and never let anybody see you. Who are you, Jasper? Do you even know, or have you gotten so lost in your own bullshit that you can't find your way out?"

He stepped back from me and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to hurt you? It's who I am. I can't change, Bella. I can't be good."

_You could be, but you won't. _

More tears threatened to spill over as I began my last stand. "So, you think I'm the disappointment. Well, do you know what is so disappointing about you, Jasper? You have the whole world at your fingertips, and you're going to just throw it all away because you're scared of letting someone care about you."

His eyes hardened with anger, and he took a step forward narrowing the separation between us. I wasn't the least bit intimidated. His act may work on everyone else, but I didn't buy it.

I continued my taunting speech. "In ten years, you're going to look around and realize that what you have isn't even a fraction of what you could have had. You'll regret all of the stupid shit you've done, but it will be too late for you to do anything about it. A beer in your hand and a random girl on your arm will provide little comfort in place of all that could have been. Your life could be so great, but it won't be. It will be a cold bed and an empty heart."

Jasper's jaw clinched. "At least, I'll let my bed have a little warmth in it. Your bed will be a freezer with sheets," he hissed.

"Sheets that you'll never touch though we both know that you would kill to get between them," I responded scathingly. "All you can get are girls like Lauren who use you for the attention you bring them. They don't even respect you. All you are is a stud horse for a bunch of empty headed, vain bitches."

"Shut up, Bella," Jasper ordered. "You don't want to push me."

My heart wanted me to reach out and bring him back to me. I couldn't let myself do that. Deep inside I realized that the only thing that would ever save him was to lose all that he valued. Nothing else would wake him up. Nothing else could come close to making him see all that he had. If I wanted to help him, I would have to hurt him, just like what he did to me.

"Do you know what all of this makes you, Jasper? It makes you stupid and careless, but worst of all it makes you weak. The tight control you maintain over your little world is because you're too scared to let anyone in who challenges you. Your weaknesses built this fantasyland that you live in, and they will be your undoing. Because you never learned the skills to survive in the real world, and you won't let anyone in who can help you."

He stepped forward and pressed me into the wall, but I ignored him and kept on. "You may be strong enough to take what you want, but you're too damned weak to allow yourself to keep it."

"God dammit, shut up," he yelled.

I kissed him.

It was sweet and honest, two things he was missing in his life. But most of all, it was love. I loved him so much, and this was the only chance I would ever have to show him. Tears streamed down my face as I moved my lips gently against his. Jasper brought his hands up to cradle my face using his thumbs to brush away my tears. When I pulled away from him, he pressed his forehead to mine and stood as still as a statue as he leaned into me.

"Why are we doing this to each other?" His voice was rough with emotion.

"I don't know," I sobbed.

"You have to take me back. I can't survive without you," Jasper begged. "Please, Bella. I need you."

Fresh tears formed in my eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't."

We had no future, and I wouldn't pretend that we did. It was time for me to leave before things got even more out of hand. If I stayed longer, we would end up back where we were before this whole thing started, and neither of us would ever learn. These last two weeks would be repeated time and again as we allowed each other in and then both got scared again. I wasn't ready for this love that I felt for him. It was too strong, and I wasn't ready to let it rule my life.

Jasper slammed his hands into the wall on either side of me. "You still can't make up your fuckin' mind. The phone call, kissing me, and now everything you said. You pulled me in again, and now you're pushing me away. Make a damn decision, and stick with it."

Decision made. I ducked under his arms and put some distance between us. "I can't be your friend, Jasper. We'll keep pulling this shit over and over again until it destroys us both. I deserve better and so do you."

As I left, he called out my name. In an odd way, the moment mirrored the one where he left me. Only this time, I was the one walking out the door, and he was the one left broken. Jasper yelled my name one more time before I made it to the door, but I gave no indication that I heard him. Seconds later, I flinched when I heard a loud crash behind me. I started running and didn't stop until I was out of the building. Running was now my favorite sport and would dictate so much of my future.


	22. Chapter 22 Lessons

**First Love Lost  
**Chapter 22 - Lessons

Eight Weeks Later

Lessons I learned during a season of dreams:

1. Sheep populate schools.  
2. I learn more by being quiet. Oh, and blond girls universally hate me.  
3. Don't take people at face value.  
4. I love rainy days.  
5. Jasper 101 is my favorite class.  
6. Calculus can test your integrity as well as your brain.  
7. My strings can be pulled just as easily as everyone else's.  
8. Study Hall can change lives.  
9. I always say 'yes' when I should say 'no'.  
10. Quiet moments are the best moments.  
11. Dating is not for me.  
12. Be wary of boys who always know what to say.  
13. Apples are my favorite fruit.  
14. My foot fits in my mouth too easily.  
15. Denial is a river in my head.  
16. I'm not a party person.  
17. People knock on doors at the worst times.  
18. Animal crackers are part of a global conspiracy.  
19. Trust your instincts when they tell you something is wrong.  
20. Sometimes lessons from our childhood will not make sense until later in life.  
21. Love is not always enough. I run when I'm scared.  
22. Stories don't always have a clear-cut ending. Loose ends happen. Questions go unanswered. Friends are lost and found. Life goes on. Love never dies.

* * *

I made sure to sit by myself when I arrived at the Tacoma Dome. The team was going for their second consecutive state championship, and I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Eight weeks had gone by since anyone in Forks had seen me, and I didn't want that to change. Emmett and the Cullen's knew I was going to be here, which was enough for me.

When I ran away from Jasper, I left Forks and returned to Jacob. Him and his friends accepted me back into their clique without missing a beat, and I forgave him for his lies by omission. Jacob and I agreed that we were better as friends, which helped with the transition. I was now living with him and his dad as I prepared to graduate high school and then move to college.

Before I left, my brother and I had a long discussion about my relationship with Jasper. Emmett was sad to see me go but relieved as well. My not being with Jasper was the best gift that I could give him. We now made a point to talk everyday. It was good to finally have my brother back. The only distance between us was in miles not misunderstandings. We met twice a week in a town midway between Forks and my new home in Seattle. Each visit brought us closer together. We slid quickly and easily into our old relationship. It was as if no trouble ever kept us apart.

My brother continued to keep his promise to leave James alone. I think he understood that in his own way James was as much Charlie's victim as we were. The two of them would never be friends, but they were no longer enemies. James completely distanced himself from my father. I was sad for him but could not bring myself to offer him my friendship.

After I left, Jasper begged Emmett for information on me but eventually gave up. He was now just going through the motions as he survived from one day to the next. The only thing that seemed to bring him to life was playing football. No one understood his motive, but I did. It was the one thing he could control.

As for me, my life was a constant swirl of emotion. Jasper and I came together out of nowhere, and we burned out in a flash that even I didn't predict. I was reminded daily of the pain, which took on the form of a burning hole in my chest. I was a weaker girl when I left Forks than when I arrived, and it was partly due to my relationship with him. We weren't good for each other, and that knowledge was like a kick in the stomach that I felt every second.

It didn't take me long to realize that the cruel words I threw at him that day in the classroom were not just a description of him. They described me as well. Had it not been for that, I would have returned. I would have begged him to forgive me. My knowledge provided me with the strength that I needed to stay away from the one person I wanted most.

Though it may have been short, I reveled in the fact that for a time I had Jasper, and it was magic. He was everything to me. Beauty. Love. Hate. Sunshine. Rain. Air. If I closed my eyes, I could hear the sound of his voice and picture his face. I may have left Forks but important parts of me were still there. In a few months, they would be somewhere else. Why? Because he carried them with him.

The cheers in the stadium erupted as the scoreboard wound down. They had won. I knew they would. The crowd stayed on their feet as the players shook hands and the trophy was awarded. When our team stood in front of our pocket of fans, they joined hands and began singing the school song along with the crowd. I watched from my little spot and smiled when I saw my brother. The look on his face was pure joy. I was so proud.

Jasper had no smile. His face was blank, and he stood apart from the team. As usual, he was surrounded by people but still all alone. That was a lie. The truth was that we were an isolated pair even with the distance that separated us. We were Jasper and Bella. He was my first love, and I was his.

When I couldn't handle watching any more, I gathered my things and stood up. It was time for me to leave. In a move that I would later come to regret, I walked to a spot that brought me closer to him. I took one last look, and that was when it happened. His head snapped up, and our eyes met.

His name was a whisper on my lips. "Jasper."

All I saw was him. I could feel his touch and hear his heart. He was like staring at the sun. So bright, he burned my eyes. So strong, I could feel his heat. Lightening flashed when he smiled, and my breath caught. My love for him was restless and reckless.

Was I wrong to run from Jasper? I wasn't sure. The only things I could have said with any degree of certainty was that I was selfish and rotten and bad. I was alive and awake and in love. For a time I had Jasper, and like a fool, I thought it was enough. How could it not be when he was everything?

How did it come to this? My only excuse was that I got lost. No map presented a sure path. No path assured me of happiness. Life was a gamble, and I didn't work with the odds. My only saving grace was that I knew enough to realize that too much too soon would wreck both me and the person that I loved. We were in no way ready for the relationship we would have had together. An unfortunate truth was that the things we want most could come at the wrong times. If we're lucky, we find them again a second time. If not, we live with the past and hope for a brighter future.

I returned his smile. It was the last gift that I could give him.

"Be safe."

"_I will._"

**Author's Note: The next four chapters are Jasper POVs. **


	23. Jasper POV 1

**Author's Note: The Jasper POVs are a significant departure from what I usually write. They were written with the assumption that you are familiar enough with whichever chapter they cover that you will know what is going on. I left these short on details and description. He is not a details guy. If it's not important to him, he doesn't notice it. Simple and easy. Also, they are not a perfect illustration of everything going on in his head. They are simply parts taken out of days of his life. Don't make the mistake of thinking that what you get here is all that he is. I wanted to maintain some of his mystery but still give you a better taste of who he is.  
**

**Love him or hate him. Here is Jasper.**

* * *

**First Love Lost  
**Chapter 1 - Legs

There were few rules I lived by. One, drive sober. Two, fuck safe. Three, play perfectly.

That was it. Those three simple rules were my only guide for living right. Other people had God and the Ten Commandments. I had my three simple rules. Right or wrong, they always helped keep my shit straight.

Today, my shit was wrong. Rule three was kicking my ass.

Practice was crap. No one would dare say it, but it was crap. My footwork was fucked, which threw off everything. My accuracy. My timing. All of it was absent.

Five-step drop. _ Not today._

Crossing pattern over the middle. _Good luck with that._

Saracen could hit the 18-yard deep out. _Screw him. This ain't NBC, and my fuckin' arm hurts. _

My velocity was as shit as my accuracy. When given a choice between the two, I preferred the second. Today, I could have thrown a rock at my lake and missed.

What was wrong with me? Hungover and dehydrated were good places to start. Suffering from a bad case of don't fuckin' want to play was a good place to end.

School started in a week, and my first game came two weeks after that. I had plenty of time. People just needed to get off my ass. Did I let them down last year? No. Would I this year? No.

Everyone had a need. It was my job to provide a solution.

_Little Johnny needs to win so he can get that scholarship to FU._

_My store needs the business from the shirts we sell when you kids play good. _

_If we don't get to the semi-finals, I'll get fired. I need to feed my kids. _

_You have a legacy to live up to. Your dad won state. Your grandpa won state. You've done it once, but you need to do it again._

_The school gets a lot of money out of these games. We need that money._

_You'll let everyone down._

_You'll be a failure._

_It's all you're good for._

I took a hard hit and got knocked to the ground. A large hand was held out in front of me. I knew that hand. "What the fuck, Emmett?"

"Sorry."

_No, you're pissed that you're sister came to town. You've been taking it out on everyone for weeks. _

I had an image in my head of a fat chick with a mullet and sideburns. She was Emmett's twin. How pretty could she be? Not pretty at all.

Practice ended. For me at least. I left. Too hot. Too tired. Let the rest of them sweat it out. I had shit to do.

I laughed off the coach's complaints and left the field. He could piss and moan with the best of them, but it mattered little. I did what I wanted, and I wanted to go to sleep.

My cabin was quiet and isolated. Here I could escape from everyone. I would rather die than let someone into my space. It was the only good thing I had. No one saw it, and no one ever would. They would ruin it.

I took my nap and woke up feeling worse. My solution was easy. Alice. She had some shit that would fix anything. Her jumpy, happy act was worth putting up with for what I could get in exchange. Why she pretended to be so fuckin' happy was a mystery. We all knew she was a stone cold bitch.

Everyone was there when I got to her house.

Rose was pissed at Emmett. I didn't blame her. What the hell kind of guy wants to make amends with a sister who hadn't talked to him in years? Not a guy who could be in our group. Loyalty first. Family last.

Emmett asked the same question he did everyday. "Can't I just invite her over? You guys might like her. Hell, we can go to my house. You can meet her there."

No one agreed, but they wouldn't say it until I said something. Follow the leader was their favorite game.

My head started to hurt. I snapped my fingers at Alice, and she brought me something. What? I had no clue. It made me feel good, and that was all that mattered.

I downed the pill with a bottle of beer and waited for Emmett to finish his whining. If he didn't shut up soon, I was going to have to cut him off. We couldn't have this weak ass shit in our group. Next thing you knew, we would save puppies and start to recycle.

Rose would pout if I made her dump him, but she would do it. She always did what I told her. Kickin' her sweet ass out of my house was too scary a concept to contemplate for the Prom Queen.

The whining continued. "Our mom died. My dad won't talk to her. She's got no one."

I threw my bottle at the fireplace. It shattered. Everyone jumped. A red streak ran down Rose's leg.

Fuck. _I cut my cousin._

"You stupid bastard," she yelled. "What the hell?"

The blood made me smile. The need to speak made me frown. "Emmett, no one cares about your sister. She's a bitch, and we don't want to know her. Edward, put your future doctor ass to work and fix her fuckin' leg. Alice, quit laughing. This shit ain't funny. Rose, you look good in red. So, shut your mouth."

I was tired. My friends were pussies. And the world sucked.

The next day, the world looked better. It was probably the legs. I liked legs. The feel of them wrapped around my waist. The secrets they held between them. Legs were nice. The pair I was looking at were the nicest yet.

These were new legs. I would have recognized them if they weren't. The girl wasn't tall, but her stems were long. She looked young, though. I liked my girls at least a few years older than me. They weren't clingy or needy. High school girls believed in love.

And love was a waste of time. Sure, it got the legs to spread and the girl to give but other than that it was too much work. Love left. Always. Every time. Without fail.

The passenger door opened, and Alice got in. "I found that CD you were looking for."

She handed me the disk. _Rick Springfield. _"What the hell is this?"

"That's what you asked for."

"No, goddammit. It's not."

The giggle was going to get her slapped. "You said . . ."

I had to interrupt. This was important. "_Jessie's Girl_. What the hell would I want this shit for?"

"I thought it was what you wanted."

"Dusty Springfield. Dusty," I enunciated. "Damn, Alice. Have you gone stupid?"

She pouted. "Well, why would you want that?"

_Cause my grandmother listened to her. _

I threw it at her. "Burn this."

We headed to the clearing. She kept quiet, which was smart. I was pissed, mostly at myself. I was tired of this town and my friends and everything. Nothing changed. Nothing happened. Everyday was the same.

It started off with me waking up and peeling Maria off of me. The bitch drooled; it was disgusting. Half the time she snored. It was annoying.

Breakfast was cereal in a chipped bowl. The milk was off more often than not. Sometimes it was lumpy. That was always fun. If you needed a fork to drink that shit, it was wrong.

An hour's drive took me back to Forks. Practice. Lunch. Practice. Beer.

Everyday was the same. Nothing good. Nothing fun.

I pulled over to the side of the road and watched Alice struggle to get out of my truck. I was hoping she would fall. I needed a laugh, and she hadn't busted her ass in weeks. No, luck. She didn't fall. I didn't laugh.

The trek through the woods was long. I took a rougher path knowing she would follow. She always tripped at least once when I did that. One time she got a busted lip. It shut her up for a few days. I was hoping for a repeat.

I heard a thud. _Bingo._

"Ouch. Fuck."

I ignored her and kept walking.

Ten minutes later, Edward saw me first when I entered the clearing. "Where's Al?"

I shrugged. He knew the game and stalked off in the direction I came from.

_His girlfriend. His problem._

Rose grew some balls. "You really suck for that. It's a bitch thing to do."

"I suck for no one. You suck for money. Now who's the bitch?"

Her boyfriend heard me. Emmett wouldn't do anything. No one ever did. I pushed buttons. I hoped for a fight. I hoped for an end. They gave me nothing. No one ever stood up to me. I was begging for it, and no one ever gave me what I really wanted.

Hell, no one ever gave me shit. No gifts. No love. Nothing. I had everything and nothing. How was that possible?

* * *

I saw her again today. Legs. She was walking along the street in Port Angeles.

Long, brown hair. Blue t-shirt. Faded jeans. She looked comfortable. I liked that. It made me imagine her at home. She was cooking me dinner and feeding our kids. It was a ridiculous thought. Maria made me dinner, and I didn't want kids.

She walked into a store. I had been about to leave until I saw her. Now, I would wait. I wanted to see her again. I was curious.

The clumsy girl tripped when she came out of the store. It wasn't funny, but there was a guy laughing at her. I was happy that he did it. Kicking his ass was going to be fun.

I watched her walk into a bookstore. She looked like the type that would stay in there for a while. Good.

I got out of my truck and followed laughing boy.

Twenty minutes later, I returned to my truck with sore knuckles and a satisfied feeling. Things were finally looking up. I kicked a kid's ass, and Legs just left the bookstore.

My stalker tendencies played out for the rest of the afternoon. She was fun to watch. She smiled easy and laughed loud. I loved it. Every person she passed looked twice at her. They saw what I saw. A pretty girl with a big heart. It was written all over her. She was good. A person couldn't help but see it.

I was pissed when she got in her car and started driving out of town. I couldn't follow her. It would be too obvious. She would spot me pretty easy if I tailed her the whole way home. I knew she lived in Forks. I would see her again.

* * *

First day of school.

Alice was playing savior for Emmett's sister. It was a change in attitude that shocked even me. Where did this need to be friendly come from? I assumed she was running some kind of game and let it slide. If she was off torturing mullet haired beasts, she wasn't trying to stick her hands down my pants.

Her hand was used for emergency purposes only, and I wasn't dialing 911 today. I was looking for Legs and hoping she would put her palm to use.

I hadn't seen her yet, and I was starting to get real happy about that. If she wasn't a student here, she was fair game. I never dipped my dick in the local pool. I was strict in my habits. It kept me clean and helped prevent the D word. Daddy was not good. Not good at all.

Hell, her hand was breaking the rules, but I would make an exception. Her mouth would be better, but it could wait for the second day of school. She was a lady like that.

I walked out of Home Economics in a good mood. I was even whistling. It was a good day. My new toy wasn't at school. No one was getting in my way. Angela told me a joke about sandwiches. I felt . . . happy.

I hadn't been happy in weeks. My friends were starting to see it. They were getting tired of my shit. I hadn't always made my feelings so obvious until now. The last few months had just kicked my ass. They missed my smile, but I couldn't give it to them. I didn't feel it, and they didn't try to fix the problem. I fixed everything that went wrong in their lives, but showing me a little attention was just too much work.

Edward and I walked through the halls. Rose and Alice lined up on either side of us. They liked this part of the day best. Walking into the lunch room was the reason they came to school. It was pretty pathetic if you asked me. Who cared what the chumps at this school thought? I didn't, but I didn't care what anyone thought.

Liar._ If you didn't care, you wouldn't try to give them the one thing you could. _

Not true. _I play because I like it._

Liar. _You play because it's the only good thing you can give anyone._

The girls took their places in front of us and pushed through the doors. We followed and let them have their moment in the unflattering fluorescent lights. They would cry if they knew it made them look like overly made up corpses. That shit only looks right in a Tim Burton film, and Johnny Depp ain't here. Lucky bastard.

Alice and Rosalie pranced off, and Edward and I went to fetch the food. We liked lunch lady four. She had a nice rack. It was a shame about the mustache.

When we joined the girls at the table, I sat by Alice and pondered the mysteries of cafeteria food. It looked like food, but it tasted like shit. How could a person screw up corn? It shouldn't be possible, but it was.

I sure as shit wasn't going to stare at my food. So, I looked up and let my eyes trail over the room.

Same.

Same.

Nose job. Not a good one.

Same.

What happened to her face? Not good.

Same.

Same.

New.

_Wait. Who was that?_

I looked back. _Legs._

She was here. She was beautiful. She was going to be mine. Hand today. Mouth tomorrow. We would get to the other soon enough. I would have to make an exception for her. Some girls were just worth it.

I stared at her for a few minutes. What was making her frown? Something she saw was making her unhappy. I couldn't have that. My girl needed to be happy. Her not smiling was just unacceptable.

The room disappeared. I don't know where the hell everybody went, but the fuckers were gone. It even got quiet. All I could hear was her breathing, and I was too far away for that to be anything more than my imagination. All I could taste was her, and I hadn't even got that far yet. All I could see was her, and she was staring right back at me.

_Fuck heaven. I just found joy. _

Could a person's whole body smile? Mine was.

I nudged Alice. "Who's that girl?"

"Emmett's sister, Bella."

_No._

Joy left. Hope left. Off-limits. I couldn't have her.

So many reasons. So many. The first and biggest was Emmett. He would kill me. He knew who I was, and I was not good enough for Princess. Even without that stopping me, there was the small matter of football. He gave me time. If I can't pass, we can't win. I had to win.

A door slammed. Emmett. He was mad. He looked at Legs and relaxed a little.

_Yep. He'll kill me if I touch her._

He stomped over to the table. "We have to talk to her. Lauren Mallory already wants to kick her ass."

_Lauren couldn't kick her own ass._

Edward opened his mouth. "Good. Maybe it'll make your sister less of a bitch."

I frowned at that, and Alice saw me. Great. Now, she knew that I liked the new girl.

Edward's hangover must have fried his brain. "Your sister sucks. When are you going to recognize that?"

Emmett's fist. Table. Loud noise. Everyone was watching.

I had to talk. I didn't want to talk. I never wanted to talk. "Alice already took care of it, and even if she didn't, we keep our shit quiet. So, put the fist away, and shut your mouth."

_Yeah, lower your head. Weak. Grow some balls, Emmett. Then I might respect you._

My friends sucked. It took so little to control their world. I hung back, spoke little, and dictated their lives. A fool would think I was upfront and in your face. A fool would miss that I got more accomplished by being quiet and letting my actions dictate those of everyone else. I was the leader in this group, but I spoke the least and spent most of my time trying to slip into the shadows while I pulled the strings.

The girls in school looked at Edward. He was better looking and friendlier. It made him more approachable. I was glad. After Edward, they looked at Emmett. He was just hard to miss. Big guy, big smile. Even when he was an asshole, people liked him.

The boys all looked at the girls. Rose was where most of the eyes landed. It was easy to see why. She was like fire. A person could get transfixed by that girl. Once you looked, it was hard to stop. Then there was Alice. She was like wind. She blew in all directions, and no one knew which way would come up next. Her spirit was wild and intoxicating.

Me. I tried to be invisible, but it didn't work. People liked a mystery. It made me more appealing. It made them look at me, but none of them saw me. I was there, but I wasn't. The more I tried to fade; the more they took notice. I wanted to be a shadow, but the sun wouldn't cooperate. It was sitting high in the sky, and the shadow was gone.


	24. Jasper POV 2

**First Love Lost  
**Jasper POV – Parts of Chapters 4 and 10

Football practice. Again. It was raining and cold. My arm was stiff from a hard hit I took in practice the day before. I wasn't the only one having it rough. Everyone was sucking, which made me just one of the crowd for a change. It felt good to blend in. I wished it happened more often.

The blending stopped a few minutes later. He was here. My dad. The superintendent. The prick. He hollered my name and waved me over.

The sounds around me stopped. All eyes were back where I didn't want them. On me. Always on me.

_Thanks, dad. Fucker. _"What do you want?"

He waved his arm out across the field. "What the hell are you doing, Jasper? Is this what you call working hard? You look like shit. You're bringing everyone down to your level. If you can't play, get off my field."

I never made excuses to him, but I made one today. "My arm hurts. Have you seen my shoulder?"

It was bruised up pretty bad, even by my standards.

He didn't care. He never cared. "I don't care if it falls off. Get out there. Play right, and don't make excuses. Hell, take more of the pills that Alice gives you. Just play up to your potential."

Our school didn't have a 'say no to drugs' policy. We had a 'say yes to winning' edict passed down from the town and the people who thought that they mattered.

I was last. The others were last. We didn't matter. None of us did.

_We'll let you do what you want, if you give us what we want._

"I thought you wanted me to stop doing that shit," I reminded him.

The old man had the sense to look a little ashamed. Then he grabbed my sore shoulder and squeezed it.

_Fuck me. _I wanted to howl, but it was the first show of fatherly support he had shown me in years. I needed it, even if it hurt.

His brand of support was some seriously fucked up shit. "I want you to stop, but if you're in pain, you do what you need to do. This town needs to win. You need to win."

I _needed_ to get his fuckin' hand off my shoulder. "I'll do what I can," I promised.

Practice ended. I ignored my friends. My mind was in a bad place. I felt used up and tired. I usually fought it off with anger and a pissy attitude. Not today. Today, I was dead. I needed to feel good, and nothing made me feel good anymore.

_Seeing her makes you feel good._

_Bella._

I didn't know her. Not really. All I knew was that when I looked at her the split in my head went away. The two parts of me that fought all the time merged into one person. I liked that person better.

_Go see her. No one will know. They're going to Alice's._

When I got to the parking lot, I saw my truck. It was a flashy piece of shit. I hated the thing. Driving it to Bella's would make me feel dirty. It wasn't me. It was all a part of the lie.

I walked in the rain. It was cold, but I wasn't bothered by it now. My destination was making me warmer.

She answered on my first knock. I surprised her. Those big, brown eyes of hers widened. I could get lost in them if I wasn't careful. They never lied, and they never asked me for anything. They belonged to the one good person that I knew.

"Did you walk here?"

_Pretty eyes. Dumb question. I'm soaked girl. What do you think? _"Yeah. Now, how 'bout you let me in."

She didn't invite me in. She stared at me. I wanted to knock on her forehead to see if anyone was home, but that would be rude. I didn't have the energy for rude today.

I pushed past her and walked in the house. "Nice manners you got there. Can I have a towel at least?"

The towels she brought smelled good. They felt even better. Soft, warm. She must have just taken them out of the drier.

"What are you doing here?"

I sat on the floor and let myself relax. "I wanted to talk to you."

"You walked here in the rain so you could talk to me. Don't you have a car or a phone?"

_Could she be any less inviting? Damn. I was trying to be human for a change, and she was making it hard._

"Yes, I have a car, but I didn't drive it to school. I usually ride with Edward and Alice. I didn't call because I wanted to see you."

My words sounded good, and they were the truth, mostly. We didn't have a reason to see each other, but I couldn't not see her. I had to.

She picked up on the first part. "Why? It's not like we have a reason to see each other."

The words hurt because they were true. I wanted a reason to see her, but I didn't have one, not one I could have said anyway. Telling a girl you were obsessed with her and couldn't keep your eyes off of her didn't make for a solid conversation. It made for a restraining order.

"Look. I'm just going to leave. I shouldn't have come here."

I stood up. Walking away from her was like walking to a funeral. I didn't want to go, but I had to.

"Wait."

The girl was good. I showed up out of nowhere acting strange, and she offered me a ride. Too good. Too kind. She was not for me, but I couldn't stay away.

We left. _Damn. Even her car smells good. _

Silence settled around us. I liked that she didn't chatter a lot. We could enjoy the quiet. Words were overrated. People spoke all the time, but none of them ever said anything.

Talking about the weather was bullshit. It was raining again. We knew it. Why did people bother to point it out?

School was another dumb topic. No one liked it. We went because we had to. Why bother talking about it when we didn't want to be there?

Food, I could talk about. I liked to cook. No one knew that. No one knew me.

"Jasper, do you not want to go home?"

She said my name again. It was the second time. I hated my name. I heard it chanted in the stands, spoken in disappointment, screamed in ecstasy, and as a question when someone needed something. It was never just said plainly with no expectation. It was never just one person speaking to another. It was never the way Bella said it.

If I stayed with her today, she would say it again. I needed to hear it. "No. Can't we just keep driving? Neither one of us have anywhere we need to be."

We pulled over on some deserted road. No one was around. I had her all to myself. That was not good for her. Not good at all.

I watched her. Her eyes were closed, and she was leaned back in her seat. Bella looked relaxed. I wasn't. I was too busy thinking about all the things I wanted to do to her. I would trail my fingers down her skin to see how soft it was. I wanted to know if she tasted as good as she smelled. She would. I had no doubt.

She opened her eyes and woke me out of my thoughts. "Why are you always watching me?"

_I'm not so much watching you as imagining you underneath me. Don't say that. Lie. Tell her something good. _"I like looking at you. You don't try to be like everyone else. I know that when I look at you I am actually seeing you."

It was a sweet lie. She would believe it. Girls liked that shit. It didn't hurt that I always knew what to say to people. I could con anyone. I was part of who I was. Other guys weren't much better.

Look at James. I bet poor, sweet Bella hadn't figured out the deal between him and her dad. I did a week ago. Fuckin' Charlie. Such a prick. I wouldn't give up the game, though. I had too many reasons to keep her weak. Girls with daddy issues were easier to work. You could tell them anything. They wanted love, but I would show her something a lot better than love. I just needed to get to her before James. He could have her when I was done making myself feel better.

"Are you dating James?"

I surprised her. Now she probably thought I was jealous. "No. Would it matter if I was?"

"Yeah, I think it would." _But not for the reason you think._

It got quiet again. I knew that I was confusing her. It was my intention. It would keep her interested. I was baiting the hook and waiting for her to bite. One thing would help that along. I needed her to think this was about her. Not about me. It was the biggest lie of all because it was always about me.

_She closed her eyes again. No more hiding behind the mask. _

With her eyes closed, it was easier to think the bad thoughts. When her eyes were on mine, she saw too much. Right now, she couldn't see that my attention was firmly on the parts of her that I wanted to play with most. She would be fun, but I wanted more than a day. I wanted at least a month. To make it last that long, I would have to pretend I cared. It wouldn't be too hard. Hell, I think a part of me did care.

I grabbed her hand. Simple touches were the most meaningful to girls. Stupid fools.

She opened her eyes again, and I was back to good. "Why did you really come to see me?" she asked.

I always mixed lies with truth. It made a person more believable. "I was in a bad mood after school and hoped that you could help me get over it."

"Did I?"

I smiled. She didn't ask the other question. "I'm surprised you didn't ask what put me in a bad mood."

"If you wanted to tell me, you would."

And I would tell her because it would move things along. My fish was going to bite. Poached Bella for dinner in a few weeks would taste good.

"My dad came to watch our football practice today. He wasn't happy with what he saw so he pulled me aside and lectured me on the importance of meeting his expectations."

"I didn't know you played football."

The words were beauty to my ears. She didn't know about football. Was it possible that she liked me for me?

_No. No one likes you for you. You're an asshole._

We talked more, but it was hurting my head. I was starting to see her as a person. I didn't want to see that. I didn't want to know that she was as good as I thought she would be. It would mess with my game, and right now, roping in Bella was my favorite sport. It would pay dividends later on. I could have just taken her now. It wouldn't take much. Girls always gave me what I wanted. She was different, though. She deserved at least a false sense of love. It would make this better. I was always looking for better.

* * *

I woke up in heaven the morning after my second game. Bella was wrapped around me.

The stupid girl let me stay with her. Unbelievable. More unbelievable was that I didn't even touch her. Even beating that was the night before when she agreed to start spending time with me. It was all going to be a secret, which fit with my plans. Getting my ass kicked by her brother was pretty low on my list of shit to do.

She was shocked as hell when she woke up and remembered I was there. I thought she was going to scream. I had to keep her quiet. "Shush. Emmett and Charlie got home about an hour ago."

Now, she thought I was crazy. She was probably right.

Pillow fighting in the morning was fun but not when a dad and a brother were down the hall. "Dammit, Bella. Stop hitting me."

A knock on the door. A death in my heart. _Emmett's going to kill me._

Or not. My girl could lie. Good. She would need that skill if she stuck with me.

They left, and I asked her a very crucial question. I had to know if the girl was as dumb as she acted. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"Well if you hadn't made it so abundantly clear that this is an everyday thing for you, I wouldn't have gotten so mad. You Stupid Ass."

_Lie you dumb bastard. She doesn't need to know about Maria or the ones who came before her. _"I assure you this is not an everyday thing for me. I've never stayed the night with a girl."

"Really?"

Her pitiful, beautiful eyes made me feel like a dick. I lied to her, and she believed me. Telling her the truth was not an option. I would never get what I wanted.

_You could have had it last night. Why did you stop? Cause I'm stupid. _

_No, you stopped cause you like her. Now, lie some more. _"I swear and let me tell you that if I had I would have done a hell of a lot more than sleep next to her. So, yeah. This is completely new to me."

Ahh. Shit. Now, she was going to cry.

I wrapped her in my arms and continued on my path to hell. "Bella, everything with you is new and different. Nothing you and I ever do will compare to what I have done in my past."

I brushed her tears away and guilt started to fuck with my heart. She didn't deserve some guy like me screwin' with her, but I couldn't stop. If she knew who I really was, she wouldn't have anything to do with me. Lying was my only option. The truth would kill any chance I had.

We ended up at my cabin a few hours later. I don't know what the hell I was thinking. This was my place. Taking her here was unacceptable, but it was somehow unavoidable. Nowhere else felt right for her. The was the best of me, and that was the least I could offer after deciding to use her so terribly.

_Use her_.

The decision was made. I was going to keep this girl around because being with her was the only time I felt human and good. What she felt for me was all based on lies, but she didn't know that. By the time she did, it wouldn't matter.

Besides, I was giving her the gift of knowledge. Just a minute ago, I told her about Emmett's crying fit after their mom died. Her knowing that didn't really make a difference for him or her. I would still work my magic behind the scenes to make sure he stayed away from her. Them getting close was not an option. He would kick my ass, and I needed to stay healthy.

_Damn, I am one selfish bastard._

The selfish bastard in me got worse when I took her down to the dock. I went from being the biggest prick on the planet to also being the biggest fool in the world. Every word out of my mouth that convinced her to trust me had been a lie. I said whatever made her trust me and like me. After the dock, that shit was gone. I meant my words, and they fucked up my world.

It was seeing her there surrounded by all the beauty I had in my life and realizing that she surpassed it all. My lake, my trees, my land. None of it compared to seeing her standing on her own with her face tilted up taking in the sunlight.

I had listened to her sad story about her mom and was unaffected. I had seen her cry and only thought about how to make it stop. Her pain meant nothing. Her suffering didn't register. I was immune to sad. My story was just as fucked as hers. If she wanted sympathy, she should have found a better guy.

But this sight in front of me was what ruined all my plans. It was seeing her alone and standing tall. Her strength dragged me to the ground and held me down under its weight. The detached air about her challenged me to make her need me. Other people had always needed me but not this girl. It was the most perfect sight I had ever seen.

The view I saw was not supposed to have me in it. Had I have been better, I would have let her go in that moment, but I didn't because I wasn't better. I was at heart a selfish, cruel animal who would always put my own needs first. I knew it, and she would learn it soon enough.

I walked forward ruining her perfect world. I wrapped my arms around her sealing her fate. She was mine now. I was going to have to keep her, at least until she needed me as much as I needed her. Then she wouldn't be strong. She would be weak like me. Then I wouldn't need her.

* * *

I would always need her. I loved this crazy, brave girl with the odd thoughts and the peculiar dreams. She told me things that made little sense, but it always made me smile. If a person just looked at her and made assumptions, they would never know the little things.

They wouldn't know that she hated blue butterflies because they made her think of funerals. No one else knew that her favorite word was 'moxie' because it just sounded good when it rolled off the tongue. People didn't know that she was scared of water even after learning to swim. They wouldn't know that she loved bluebonnets even though she had never seen one in person.

All these things made my girl different and special. Her thoughts were scattered sometimes. Her actions were random all of the time.

We would be walking out by the lake, and she would pull away from me and start twirling in place. She would always fall, and I would always race to catch her. The first time I was too late, and she landed in the wet grass. No tears came. Only laughter. I laid down beside her, and we both got wet.

Everything she did enchanted me. I was even thinking the word _enchanted_. If that didn't say love, what the hell did?

My girl made me feel human. She made the days brighter and the nights I spent away from her longer. I laughed easier and smiled all the time.

I would always need her.


	25. Jasper POV 3

**First Love Lost  
**Jasper POV – Chapters 17 and 18

_Fucking hell. What am I doing? _

The blond sitting next to me kept giggling and twirling her hair. The shit was grating on my nerves. If I wasn't using this bitch to con some fuckin' people, I would kick her out of my truck while it was still moving.

Her head hitting the pavement was just the image I needed.

_Shit. Now, she's gonna talk._

"Are we going to your house?"

"No."

"Where are we going?"

_Hell, sweet cheeks. People like us go to hell._

My head was starting to ache. Why of all the girls at the party did I pick Lauren Mallory? I hated this chick. She wasn't even pretty.

"Jasper."

I flinched. My name out of the mouth of anyone but Bella was like nails on a chalkboard. It wasn't the sound. It was the expectation. It was the fake ass way people kissed my ass. It was the way everyone wanted something from me. It was all that was wrong with this place.

Bella never wanted shit from me. She was the only good person I ever met. Was it possible to hate someone and love them at the same time? Cause that was how I felt about that girl.

I loved her. Sweet smile. Kind eyes. She didn't pretend to be someone else. She was just her. Bella. Beautiful heart. Beautiful mind.

I hated her. From the first moment I saw her, I wanted to find some way to close her eyes permanently. She saw too much and knew too little.

"Where do you live?" I asked the girl to my right.

The giggling started again. Was the question that fuckin' funny?

I hit the brakes and came to a squealing stop. "Get out."

Finally, the noise stopped.

"What?" she asked.

_Deaf and stupid._ "Get out."

"But."

I interrupted her. "But nothing. Get the fuck out."

We were in town. Her house couldn't be too far away. The bitch could walk.

I barely registered her stepping out and slamming the door. She was gone. That was all that mattered.

I had hoped that kicking Lauren out would make things better. It didn't. As annoying as the bitch was, she kept my mind off of my screwed up reality. Was doing the right thing supposed to hurt this damn much? If so, I was never going to be good again. This shit fuckin' sucked. Every mile that went by was taking me further away from what I wanted most. Hell, it wasn't even the sex at this point. That stopped being the goal after the first day at our cabin. I just wanted the girl. Fuck want. I needed the girl.

An hour passed, I was now in Port Angeles. It had just what I was looking for. I needed to feel good. One person could guarantee that. Maria.

I pulled to a stop and walked up to the old house. I only ever had to knock once. Some people knew not to keep a man waiting.

Knocking was just a courtesy. I owned this house. It was a good setup. I let her live here for free, and she let me in when I wanted to get laid. Bella may not have been about sex anymore, but that didn't apply to other people.

"You look like shit," she said simply.

"Don't talk."

I pushed by her and stalked inside. The whole place smelled like cat piss. I hated it, but at least, the liquor cabinet was always full.

A quick glance around the room had me adding up the cost of fixing this place back up after I kicked her out. I promised her six months. She had one left.

There were three good things about Maria. One, she used her mouth for something besides talking. Two, she was always available. Three, she wasn't Bella.

I didn't have to listen to her complain that it had been a month since I visited last. I didn't have to listen to her bitch about wanting more than I could give. She kept her thoughts to herself and her mouth occupied.

For the first time, I really looked at her. She was the right height. Her hair was the right color and the right length. So what if her eyes were dead and her heart empty, that shit didn't matter in a dark room.

I walked into her bedroom and started taking off my clothes. As long as I was keeping her here, I might as well use her. Hell, it was what I came here for in the first place. She followed me inside and shut the door behind her.

The rest of my night just got started.

Or not.

She said my name and tried to kiss me. Her hands ran across my chest. The smile on her face was fake. The sound was bad. The smell of her breath was worse. It wasn't Bella touching me. It wasn't Bella smiling at me. It was all wrong.

I couldn't do it. Having sex with her just wasn't happening.

The more she touched me, the worse I felt. What the hell was wrong with me? I tried closing my eyes. All I saw was Bella. I tried shutting my ears. All I heard was Bella's voice saying my name.

Maria was getting impatient. "Come on, Jasper."

The wrong voice saying my name again made it worse. I pushed her away. "Don't."

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

_I don't fuckin' know. _I had to leave. I couldn't stay. All I wanted was Bella, and Maria would never be Bella. No one would.

It was late when I left. The hour long drive sounded like four. My energy was gone. I stayed at a cheap motel. It was a fitting end. Me in a dirty piece of shit motel. It was just what I deserved.

The next day, I walked into the cabin more pissed than I was when I left Alice's. My head was pounding out the rhythm of my heart, and my stomach was hurting like I got punched. Nothing felt good. It only got worse.

My feet stopped. Something was off. I looked around the living room and couldn't figure it out. Everything was where it should be. I started walking through the place trying to figure it out.

Kitchen. The bowl _we_ kept fruit in had only one apple left. She always bought apples. Never bananas or pears or oranges. Bella liked apples.

I moved to the little bedroom. A memory hit me hard. She hated our 'move the bag' game.

My eyes wandered over the drawings that were covering the walls. The last addition was the one that always held my attention the longest. A flower. It was the last picture my mom drew for me. I picked that flower the day before we left for Texas that summer.

When we came back without my mom, I wanted to tear all the drawings off the wall, but Gram wouldn't let me. My grandmother just held my hand and told me that as long as I kept the pictures on the wall I still had my mom.

It was bullshit. My mom left us high and dry with a note tacked on the fridge saying that she wasn't coming back. I didn't have a mom anymore, and I didn't want one either. When Gram died a year later, I wanted to rip the pictures to shreds and burn the pieces, but I couldn't. They were as much about her now as they were my mother.

I slammed the door closed behind me when I left the room. I hated being in there. Seeing Bella sleeping in it that night I came home from taking care of Edward's drunk ass had pissed me off more than anything had in years.

I glanced around the living room again and still couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong. The place felt different. Something was missing. What was it?

The wall of pictures caught my gaze. They were all there, and not a one was crooked or out of place.

Here was one problem. I had all these pictures of these people but not one single shot of the person I wanted most.

_Bella._

I lifted the picture of my friends and me off the wall. As I studied it, I threw myself on the old sofa.

It had been raining that day. Alice was pissing and moaning about the picnic table getting her ass wet. For all that bitch lacks in sincerity and kindness, she could sure take a convincing picture. Her looking lovingly into Edward's eyes was the biggest fucking joke on the planet. He was a stand in for what she really wanted. I knew it, and she knew it. No one else ever said a word about it, but they knew it, too. The half second it took for Laurent to take this shot was the only time that day she even looked at Edward.

Bringing some truth to the scene were Rose and Emmett. They were the real deal. Him whispering in her ear was just like them. They had their private jokes and their own language. It was disgusting and beautiful at the same time.

Then there was me. That small smile on my face was from me spotting a homeless guy taking a leak. He pissed on his shoes. It was disgusting.

I laid the picture down, and it hit me. Her book was gone. Where the hell was her book? I looked on the floor thinking I must have knocked it down. Nothing. I looked under the cushions of the sofa. Nothing. I searched the room top to bottom. Nothing.

More hit me at once. I started to panic. If her book was gone, what else was gone? I ran to the bathroom.

Strawberry shampoo. Gone.

Body wash. Gone.

Hair brush. Gone.

The earrings she left by the sink. Gone.

My heart started to fail. It was gone. All of it was gone. Where the hell did it go?

I was hit with another shot when I ran to the closet.

Clothes gone.

I searched the dresser.

Gone.

My hands clinched into fists, and I knocked all the knick knacks off the dresser top.

Gone.

A glint in the dresser mirror stopped me. There was a small ray of light that was peaking through the curtains. It was reflecting off of something on the bed. I turned to see what it was.

I grabbed the objects. What I saw sent me to my knees. The phone mattered little. The key mattered. It told me the one thing I needed to know and hated to know.

She had been here, and now, she was gone.

* * *

Sunday.

I didn't sleep last night. Thoughts of her ruled my mind. Her eyes. Her face. Her voice. I didn't sleep, but somehow she still haunted my dreams. I kept thinking over and over again about the night that I realized I loved her.

It was her birthday. She sat quietly in her chair knowing that she would be ignored. Even Alice's cold heart was breaking over what she saw. Rose was itching to say something to Charlie and would look at me for permission, but I turned down her silent request. It would only cause problems for her and Emmett. Edward was as bothered as everyone else, but he wouldn't say anything. He was too busy sneaking drinks out of his flask. The other player at the table was James. He sat quietly back in his chair observing the spectacle that he helped create.

Later that night, I stood outside our cabin waiting and hoping she would show up. Every minute that clicked by felt longer than the previous one. Her not having a cell phone was seriously pissing me off. What if she got in a wreck, broke down, or was mugged? This shit was just not working for me. I had to know that she was safe.

It wasn't until I saw a flash of headlights that fear released its hold on me. She was here.

When she stepped out of her car, I didn't see my Bella. Gone was the strong girl that I always saw. In her place stood someone just as lonely and scared as I was. Unlike me, she kept her pain inside and let it eat away at her. I threw mine out at the world and tried to punish everyone else. We were both wrong, but maybe together we could meet in the middle and become right.

That was the moment that I knew I loved her. The realization had been a long time coming. I think I loved her from the first time we had a real conversation, but I didn't know it until I allowed myself to really see her. It was then that she became more important to me than anyone or anything. I would do whatever it took to make her safe and happy.

_Safe and happy. _The two words brought me back to my current reality, which was a shit storm I created with my need to keep her safe from me. The happy part I failed at. I had to find something to make her happy again.

* * *

I stood waiting outside Calculus class. From this angle, I could see Bella clearly. Her eyes were on my desk, and she looked smaller than I had ever seen her. The realization made my heart thump harder in my chest as guilt ran through me. It was a new emotion for me, and I didn't understand it. I knew I had done the right thing. So, why did I feel guilty? The answer was simple.

I killed a part of her. All parts of her were good and honest and pure. And I killed one of them.

A pain started in my chest. It was an unfamiliar feeling. I named it Dumb Fucker because that was what I was, and that pain was the defining part of my life.

The bell was about to ring. I needed to clear my head. No emotion. No pain. Nothing. I could feel nothing.

The door opened easily enough. I was going to be okay.

_She doesn't matter. I hate her. She is nothing._

My desk was ten steps away. Each one had a phrase assigned to it as I slowly descended into hell.

_Mr. Varner is a prick._

_Don't look at Bella._

_What the hell is that smell?_

_Ah, Jessica Stanley, again._

_Don't look at Bella._

_Damn she's beautiful._

_Her hair looks nice._

_Strawberries._

_James is staring at my girl again._

_I'm gonna have to kill that bastard._

I laughed and cackled like a fool throughout class. Every time I did it, I felt another piece of me start to come together. Where the strength was coming from, I couldn't say. It was like siphoning gas. I was stealing fuel from someone. It mattered little who it was.

Walking into the cafeteria for lunch was easier. I knew she was there, but I didn't care. She didn't matter. I hated her. She was nothing. Those three thoughts now ruled my life, and every time I thought them, they became more true. The guilt was pushed firmly aside as I began to believe my own lies.

The sheep quieted as we walked to our table. Fucking ridiculous. We were all so far from perfect that it would scare the shit out of these kids. They were all better than us; they just didn't know it yet.

Edward was a drunk. Emmett had daddy issues. Rose hadn't kept a meal down in two years. Alice popped pills that she bought from her maid. And then there was me. I encouraged the demons that ate at my friends.

I bought Edward his booze. Someone had to. The kid couldn't dry up. He might grow a brain and figure out that he was the best of all of us.

Emmett was easy to lead around. Until the night of their birthday party, I encouraged him to hate his sister. Was it hypocritical? Yes, but it made it easier for me to sneak around to see her. After that night, the encouragement stopped.

For a while, not a week went by that I didn't tell Rose that she looked like she gained a few pounds. That one actually made me feel a little guilty. I stopped doing it a year ago. She was family, after all.

Alice's parents gave her a shit allowance. Covering her habits was starting to eat away at my pocket book, but it was better than the alternative. A medicated Alice made for a happier Jasper.

All of this made up the better part of my existence until I got distracted by a smart mouthed brunette who walked around with her heart on her sleeve.

_Bella._

My eyes found her. I always knew where she was.

She was staring at her food. The girl did like to eat, or maybe there was something in her food. Corn was not that damn interesting.

I continued to watch her. It was my favorite thing. While I did it, I usually imagined all the things I wanted to do with her, not even perverted shit but good stuff.

I wanted to hold her hand and walk in the moonlight. I wanted to take her to Europe and go on one of those cheesy castle tours. I wanted to buy her a gray cow. The silly girl told me she always wanted one. Hell for a smile, I'd buy her a whole herd. We would have to negotiate on the baby elephant, though. Them bastards get big.

Now, that was classy. She just flipped me off. No cow for you today, little girl.

I walked into English class, and a solution to my girl's happiness problem hit me. James. He was going to tell her the truth if I had to threaten to kill his mom.

Getting him to leave class was easy. He liked to think he was different, but he wasn't. All it took was telling him to come outside with me. He would follow my orders just like the rest.

Our conversation in the hall was short. "Two choices. You tell Bella the truth about the phone calls, or I tell Emmett."

James shrank in front of me. No defiance. No denial. Nothing. He was caught and knew it. It was simple. Bella could help clear the path for him in Emmett's eyes, which might save his ass, or I could insure that he was fucked.

I could have easily told my theory to Emmett myself, but I knew that this was the solution that would cause Bella the least amount of hurt. She would stop Emmett from losing his temper. She would get something she needed, her brother, and eventually, she would be happy again. She deserved it.

The decision was made. James would tell her, and I would sit back and pretend I didn't know a damned thing. It would be hard knowing that she hurt and not being able to fix it. Emmett would help her. It was _his_ job to take care of her now, and this time he better not fuck it up.

* * *

Study Hall.

She was talking to James. He was acting friendly, but I could see the strain in his eyes. I wanted to punch the bastard for what he would be telling her. Thinking about hurting him put the first genuine smile on my face that day.

Shit. Bella saw it. I just killed another part of her.

Or not.

_Who the fuck talks about animal crackers? Only her. _

I was laughing inside as I cracked open a book that I stole off some kid. Anger management. Yeah, you managed that well when I jacked your shit. _Pussy._

The book's subject matter didn't interest me. I was too busy listening to my girl bitch slap the room.

If I didn't love her before, I sure as shit did now. Clever girl. She was slicing and dicing everyone and not a single person knew it. That was what made her brilliant. That was what made me love her. That was what made her mine.

One point was off, though. These kids were eating their crackers _and_ drinking their Kool-aid. If they didn't recognize what that referenced, they were well and truly fucked.

_Dead ten-year-old boy. Now, I love her more._

Wait.

Did she just call me dead? I was an empty shell who glided in an out of darkness. Screw you, Bella. It wasn't like I didn't warn you. I always said that you didn't listen for shit.

Speaking of shit. Edward at football practice was a big pile of it. That stupid bastard. He was going to ruin everything.

"I talked to Bella for you."

"Did I tell you to do that?"

"No."

"What did you say?"

He lied to her. I could tell. "I told her that I talked to you."

Killing my friend wasn't an option. "You lied to her. How bad?"

It must be bad. Edward was putting some distance between us.

"Speak, Edward. I don't have all day."

"I told her that you said you loved her and got scared and bailed on her."

A baseball bat. His skull. Two things that needed to meet in the middle.

I had to leave. It was the only thing that saved him.

He shouted behind me. "I was trying to help you."

Too late kid. I already helped myself.

Edward didn't know what I was doing. He couldn't. Hell, he wouldn't understand it if he did.

All of those pretty parts of my girl that I loved. Her warmth, her spirit, her honesty, her love. I would kill all of them, and the more it happened the less I would care.

I was already starting to make myself hate her. Hurting her would be the next step. I hurt everyone. It was what I did best. My friends were just too damned dumb to see it. They weren't even my friends. They were toys I played with because they were shiny and pretty and always did what I told them to do. I didn't even feel bad about it because they used me just as surely as I used them. We were all guilty whether we liked it or not.

Bella started out the opposite. She was innocent and good, but by the end, she would be just like us. I couldn't let them kill my girl. I couldn't let me kill her, either. I had to let her go. It was the only good thing that I had ever done. So what if it hurt. It was better than the alternative.


	26. Jasper POV 4

**First Love Lost  
**Jasper POV – Chapters 20 and 21

Tuesday. Day three of disaster.

James must have told her because Bella and Emmett were living with Edward. No one was talking about why. Rose didn't know the story. Alice didn't know the story.

It went against all of our rules. _My rules._ No secrets unless they were mine. No decisions unless they were mine. It wasn't something that was said. It was something that was understood. They knew that. It mattered little that I knew what was going on and had helped orchestrate it. Edward and Emmett should have told me. It pissed me off that they didn't.

Pissing me off more was that Bella was hurting more today than she was on Monday. Emmett was watching her carefully, which helped but not much.

I hated that she was in pain and wanted to fix it, but I knew that I couldn't. I had to tell myself multiple times that she would recover from this. She would be happy again. Any other option was unacceptable.

When that failed to work, I started repeating the three phrases that put my head in the right place. _She doesn't matter. I hate her. She is nothing._

The day ran out, and I was at home. My _real_ home. Dad summoned me. What a joke.

Cigarette smoke filled the study. He was making my house stink. Bastard.

"You have a drug test tomorrow," he warned me. "Can you pass it?"

That shit was funny. "Can I ever?"

"What am I going to do with you?"

_The same thing you always have. Nothing._ "You take care of the piss test. It is your job. We made a deal."

My dad wasn't a dad. He was a dick. "The deal was that you would try to stop."

_I did stop. Mostly._

He kept at it. "You know you're only good at this one thing. Don't blow it. You could be great someday."

_Can you be great if you're only good at one thing? I don't think so. _"Are we done here?"

His right hand waved dismissively. "Go."

That hand was going to be the death of him someday.

Today was good.

I walked up and grabbed his hand twisting it to an unnatural angle. "Don't wave me off anymore. That shit pisses me off. And quit smoking in my house."

I ignored the howling. He would heal. It wasn't like I broke it. Dr. Cullen could fix that shit just fine. Look what the good doc did for his nose. You could hardly tell that I broke it for him last year. Besides, the dumb bastard hit me first.

The cabin was my destination. Peace. Quiet. Home.

She was gone.

The place felt empty. The peace was gone and the quiet too loud. It wasn't a home. It was four walls and a roof.

No book.

One apple.

No picture.

An extra key.

A useless phone.

_Key and phone._ Those were gifts. A person wasn't supposed to give back gifts. This was our cabin. She needed to know that. This was our home. She needed to feel that. If she did, maybe I could again.

_What does it matter? She's gone, and you can't have her back._

_It matters._

I put the key, the phone, and the last apple in a shoe box. Edward was meeting me at the clearing.

The wait was forever. I needed him to do this for me. It wasn't like I asked for much.

_Unwaveringly loyalty, drunken antics, and a distraction for Alice. _It wasn't much.

Someone pissed him off. Edward was walking up to me like I fucked his mom.

"What do you want?" The boy grew some balls. He asked me a question.

I handed him the box. "Give this to Bella."

The asshole opened her box right in front of me. "I didn't say open it. I told you to give it to her."

He dropped the box on the ground.

"What the fuck, Cullen?"

"Do you know what she's been through the last few days? Do you even care? I'm not giving her some box of shit that's going to make her feel worse."

_You don't care._ _She doesn't matter. I hate her. She is nothing._

"You're really not going to ask." Edward walked off.

He was disgusted with me. I couldn't blame him.

I was alone. Again.

He was gone, or at least, he would be soon.

_Good for him. I knew he could do it._

The apple had rolled out of the box and was laying in some mud.

Her apple was dirty. He got her fuckin' apple dirty. That little prick.

I was furious. I hated him for getting wise when I still needed him stupid. I hated me for letting him get away with it. I hated that apple for rolling out of her box and daring to get shit on itself, and I hated her for liking apples.

I picked it up and threw it against a tree. Pieces of it flew everywhere.

_Great. I broke her apple._

* * *

The rest of the week was a blur. I didn't feel anything. I didn't hear anything. People talked to me, but all I heard was a buzzing noise. They weren't there. Not really. I laughed when it seemed right. I frowned when it felt appropriate. I didn't know what I was doing. Nothing made sense. Nothing was right.

The body still worked. The brain still told me to do shit, but the heart failed. It didn't work anymore. The bitch was broke.

Only one thing made it tick again.

_Bella._

Lunch was the only hour of the day that I felt anything. She stared at food. I stared at her. I still thought about the things I wanted to do with her.

I wanted to buy her books and read them over her shoulder. The castle tour was still on. We could name the cow, Daisy. She could have her elephant, but he better shit outside. She could have whatever she wanted if she would just look at me.

No eye contact. No sign that she knew I was alive. No sign that she might love me. I had nothing.

She was gone.

I started calling her. I felt like a stalker. Hell, I probably was one. I watched for her everywhere. I couldn't breathe right until I saw her. My heart didn't work until I knew she made it to school in one piece.

The pain in my chest only released its hold on me when I was sharing a room with her. It left me, and I could feel all the pieces of me come back together. All it took was having her close to me. When she left, they fell back down and shattered into even more pieces. Each time, it took longer to put them back together.

Bella was different. She was weakening in front of me. If I kept my distance, she seemed better. When I was closer, she faded. I was draining her with my presence so that I could find the strength to pick through my own shit. I was a leech. I was a blood sucker. I was taking her life even as I tried to stop. If she didn't leave soon, there would be nothing left of her.

_She has to leave. _

Things got worse. I got much worse. I felt like hell. My eyes were bloodshot, and my heart was gone. I was staying with Alice. She was yapping at me and wouldn't stop. I was trying to make the pain disappear. Her pills and my booze helped but not much. Nothing helped except for seeing Bella or hearing her breathing on the other end of the phone.

I needed to hear that sound. It was the only thing that stopped the madness in my head. It was everything.

She tried to talk to me this week, but she wouldn't look at me. My favorite lines came back. _She doesn't matter. I hate her. She is nothing._

If she had looked at me, I would have faltered, but she didn't. I was glad.

I fucked up today.

My eyes were on my girl, and some piece of shit kid blocked my view. I told him to move, but he didn't hear me.

The chair was supposed to take the brunt of my anger. It didn't. The kid did.

He was so light. He didn't weigh any more than a chick.

I picked him up so easy. I wanted to throw him but stopped. Breaking people physically wasn't usually my style. It was over too quick and left me unsatisfied.

I ignored Emmett's growling. What was he going to do? I owned his ass. If he fucked with me, I would ruin him. He knew it.

My request for the kid was simple. "Stay the fuck away from my table."

Being piss scared must have rendered him mute. "Do you understand? Nod your head or say something."

Then, he was gone. Fuckin' Edward. He was always sticking his nose where it didn't belong.

_Cock blocking bitch. _This was all his fault. If he didn't interrupt us, I would have stayed with Bella.

_Then it would be too late_. I would never have let her go. I would have wrecked her because it was all I ever did. She deserved better. She was better.

Someone pushed me. Emmett. He was the last person who should be pushing me, and I told him so. He didn't get it. He demanded that I stop.

"I already did."

I left. It was over.

Bella - gone

Edward - gone

Emmett - gone

Everyone was leaving me. They always did. Bella would go unpunished. I wanted her to leave.

Edward and Emmett would have been safe, but they broke the most important rule.

_We keep our shit to ourselves. _

The whole school saw the crash. It was a matter of pride to get a little back. I couldn't let them slap at me in public. It made me look weak, and I wasn't weak.

It would have to wait until after football was over. I still needed them for something. Once that was over, I could do what I wanted to them.

No more staying with Alice. They would be there. That left the cold, empty cabin. I used to love that place, but she destroyed it when she left.

This was her fault.

Midnight meant another call. She wouldn't speak. She never did. I didn't either.

An angel said my name. "Jasper. Talk to me."

My throat closed up. I wanted to speak but couldn't. No air. No words. Nothing.

I was scaring her. She still loved me. Not good. Not good at all.

_Texas. Lake. Little boy. Strawberries._

I wanted to be that little boy, but I wasn't. My mom smelled like citrus. Her eyes were green. She never braided her hair. I wanted to be that little boy. He could have Bella, and I never could.

Bella. I could smell her now. Strawberries. The best smell in the world. It was bliss. Nothing was better.

_Flour._

Absurd. Who played with cold flour? Did she leave any here?

I kept the phone at my ear as I checked. It was there.

It did feel nice. It was like touching her. Smooth and soft.

Clouds. Being with her was like touching the clouds. My feet were never on the ground.

It wasn't stupid like she thought. It was simple and honest. It was Bella.

She jumped in a pile of smoldering ashes. Fucking typical. Only her.

Renee was a dumbass, and Charlie was a coward. Who was I? I was the devil tempting angelic girls into dancing within the flames. Who was she? She was just Bella. Always Bella.

I would do whatever it took to make sure she didn't dance. This devil was putting her firmly on the shelf. If she hurt, I hurt. If she lived, I lived. If she died, I died.

_No little girl. You stay out of the fire. I won't let you play._

* * *

I couldn't talk to anyone. The words were gone. The need to speak just wasn't there. I had nothing to say. No one would listen, anyway. I was the walking dead. No one saw me. No one heard me. I was gone. A faded ghost of a once bright star. I finally had what I wanted, but it mattered little because she was gone.

_You get what you want, but you lose what you need._

Alice was starting to figure it out. She pulled me aside. "It's Bella, isn't it? She did this."

No words. Just a look was all that was needed to confirm her suspicions.

She stomped her tiny foot, and thunder rattled the windows. Pissy pixies could fuck up the world. I needed to stop her, but the energy wasn't there. Too many pills. Too much liquor. Too much of everything. I was drowning in my vices. It would take a lot to wake me out of this coma.

I couldn't look at Alice anymore. I walked away.

Lunch was a private affair. Alice and Rose left. Edward and Emmett were off doing whatever it was that former friends did. I didn't care.

And then there was My Bella.

She looked angry. Angela was giving her the daily play-by-play and wouldn't shut up. Bella wanted to punch her. I could see it in her eyes.

_Do it. Hit her. Be like me. You can stay if you just hit her. _

She didn't, and I was disappointed.

And then the world stopped turning. Whichever god controlled the volume turned the sound down completely. A few others must have gotten in on the action because all I saw was a pair of chocolate eyes and a sad girl who loved me.

There was my eye contact. There was my girl. I needed her. It was over. I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't care that being with her would destroy her. I didn't care that it was wrong. I was going to keep her. I was going to make her stay with me.

She left the room. I followed. People got in my way, but I pushed past them. My name was a whisper on everyone's lips, but I ignored the sound. I had to get to her before she disappeared. She could leave, but she had to take me with her. Simple solution to an impossible situation. I should have thought of it before.

I rounded a corner, and she was gone. No trace. Nothing.

_Let her go. If you can't change, let her go. _

The words were right, but I didn't care. I couldn't change, and I couldn't let her go either. I was a selfish bastard, but I was keeping her. She was mine.

It hit me. Our room. It started there. It could continue there.

_Defy their expectations, just like you do mine. _She thought I was better than I was. Someday, she would be right but not today.

My legs dragged, and a voice sounded in my head. It wanted me to stop, but I ignored it. Another told me to go and take what was mine. It sounded smarter, so I listened to it.

I locked the door behind me. Interruptions were not welcome. This was between me and my girl.

We exchanged words. They didn't matter. I didn't hear them. I didn't even know what I said in return. My attention was elsewhere. All I did was watch her. She was here. I could see her and smell her and hold her. She was here.

And then a pause broke me out of my trance.

Why did she stop talking? I needed to hear her voice. The pain came back when I couldn't hear her.

Why wasn't she looking at me? I needed her to see me. I faded when her eyes were not on me.

None of it was right, and all of it was making me fail. The pieces started to crumble. I had to get them back. I grasped at them desperately, but they kept falling.

_Words. Use your words. Wake her up again.  
_

"Why aren't you talking to me?"

nothing

_Make her mad. _

"Good call, sweetheart. I wouldn't want you to talk. You'll just change your mind in five minutes anyway."

silence

_Hurt her. Break her down. She'll need you to pick up the pieces._

"You're really not going to say anything. How is that possible? You never seem to run out of that self-righteous bullshit you like to throw at me. When are you going to realize that you're not morally superior to me? Hell, you're just as fucked up as I am. You just hide it better."

nothing

_It's not working. Challenge her. She loves a challenge._

"Do you know what is so disappointing about you, Bella? You can't decide what the hell you want. From one day to the next, I don't know whether you're going to pull me in or push me away. You say you're concerned, but you won't help me. You answer my phone calls, but you won't look at me. Last night, you tell me a story that encourages me to risk everything to be with you, but then you don't hold up your end of the bargain. So, do you think you could make up your goddamn mind before you drive me crazy?"

silence

_Un-fucking-acceptable. _I jerked her around roughly.

Nothing. She was giving me nothing.

Then, I felt it. The fire. It was there. She was awake. She would bring me back to life. I could feel the power starting to come back.

Her eyes met mine, and the power evaporated. It was like smoke on the wind. I could smell it, but I couldn't catch it. Bella kept her power, and I was shut off.

"You could have left the act outside the door. You're friends aren't here, and neither is the rest of the school. I know who you are, and it's not the prick standing in front of me. So, if you want to talk to me, cut the crap."

It was a slap to the face.

I woke up a tiny bit. Somewhere inside me a familiar feeling rose up. I hadn't felt it since that night I left her. I didn't want to feel it now. I laughed thinking that would push it away.

It worked. I felt nothing.

_Ouch. The girl just shoved her index finger through my chest cavity. Like my heart didn't hurt enough._

"You act so pissed off and damaged by this town and the things these people expect of you. The whole time you play your little games and never let anybody see you. Who are you, Jasper? Do you even know, or have you gotten so lost in your own bullshit that you can't find your way out?"

Somewhere in the middle of her speech, the feeling came back. I wanted to tear my hair out. I wanted to yell in frustration. The feeling needed to stop.

I had to make her understand. She needed to know the truth. "Do you think I want to be like this? Do you think I want to hurt you? It's who I am. I can't change, Bella. I can't be good."

_You could be, but you won't. _

Tears. When did she start crying? And why did I only see it now?

I was hurting her. I was killing more of those beautiful parts of her that I cherished. I wanted to pick up the pieces of myself that littered the room and offer them to her in exchange for the ones I killed, but they would only fester inside her and die. All parts of me did that because unlike her I was made of shards of a broken mirror that didn't even start out beautiful. They were even less beautiful when they were broken. I was ugly and bad and nothing good lived in me except for her love.

She punched me this time. It was a hard shot to the face. "So, you think I'm the disappointment. Well, do you know what is so disappointing about you, Jasper? You have the whole world at your fingertips, and you're going to just throw it all away because you're scared of letting someone care about you."

I wasn't scared. I didn't get scared. Who the fuck did she think she was? This was the Bella I hated, the one who threatened to rip my soul out.

I had to shut her up. I stepped forward trying to intimidate her. It didn't work.

This time she stabbed me. "In ten years, you're going to look around and realize that what you have isn't even a fraction of what you could have had. You'll regret all of the stupid shit you've done, but it will be too late for you to do anything about it. A beer in your hand and a random girl on your arm will provide little comfort in place of all that could have been. Your life could be so great, but it won't be. It will be a cold bed and an empty heart."

_Until you came and wrecked my world, my bed was very warm. _"At least, I'll let my bed have a little warmth in it. Your bed will be a freezer with sheets."

I shouldn't have said that. It wasn't true. Any bed with Bella in it would be warm. It would be home.

_Not home_. _You don't care. She doesn't matter. I hate her. She is nothing._

Bella wasn't stopping. "Do you know what all of this makes you, Jasper? It makes you stupid and careless, but worst of all it makes you weak. The tight control you maintain over your little world is because you're too scared to let anyone in who challenges you. Your weaknesses built this fantasy land that you live in, and they will be your undoing. Because you never learned the skills to survive in the real world, and you won't let anyone in who can help you."

I stepped forward again. The words took root in my body. I felt like they were eating away at me from the inside. I was bleeding out on the floor and nothing would stop it.

She slid the knife in and twisted it coldly. "You may be strong enough to take what you want, but you're too damned weak to allow yourself to keep it."

"Goddammit, shut up."

She kissed me.

It was sweet and honest, two things I was missing in my life. But most of all, it was love. I could feel her love for me. It was there in her touch. It was in her tears. It was in her, and she was giving it to me. No one had ever given me anything except her. She gave all of herself to me, and I stomped her into the ground. I didn't deserve her. She was too good.

I pressed my forehead to hers and tried to stay still. My emotions were everywhere. Hate mixed with love. Want mixed with need. Anger mixed with joy. She brought all things out of me and held them in her hand.

I was going to beg. "You have to take me back. I can't survive without you. Please, Bella. I need you."

I was offering her my soul. She could have it and do what she wanted with it. All parts of me belonged to her now.

"I'm sorry. I can't."

It was all I heard. I said something back and hit the wall, but none of it mattered. She had just taken my heart and squeezed all the life out of it. I watched it fall to the floor as she walked away from me. She was gone and so was I.

_You don't care._ _She doesn't matter. I hate her. She is nothing._

_You do care._

_She does matter._

_I love her._

_She is everything._

**Author's Note: The sequel to this story is up. Thank you so much for reading.  
**


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